The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Phyllis ... thanks for understanding, I was 61 at the time. I am now 64 and still think there might be hope of finding a soulmate.
Veggy ... I, too, will pray for your friend. She has a really good friend in you.
I am getting somewhat acclimated to my chest but I don' t think I will ever get used to it. When I first saw it I almost fainted. I had tissue expanders put in at the same time as the bilateral mastectomy was done. However, before I could get out of the recovery room I developed a bleed (PS said first one he's seen in 20 years - how lucky can I get) and then had to go back into both breasts to (1) stop the bleed, and (2) check for other bleeds. When I woke up my one breast (the one that started it all) looked like an old orange - all wrinkled and prune-like and heading toward my armpit (always wanted a boob there). The other one looked like no mastectomy had been done - just the end squared off - I kept asking if they were sure they did a mastectomy on that side! The PS thought the tissue expander had come out from under the muscle - which rarely happens - and exactly what are we stretching if it is no longer where it needs to be? After a month it got infected and another PS took them out and cleaned up the mess. I feel so lucky I had not one but two "rare occurrences." I feel so special!!!
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its bee hard for me to deal with the scarring, taken awhke.. i had problems during surgery with my breathing, and the Genius that did the removal, BMX;; left one opne with minimum closing.. then, i had to do the dressings with my DH at home.. dealing with it was really hard; and im still not comfortable with him seeing; after that trauuma.. i finally developed MRS , and THEN the hospital tells me to get a nurse at , its covered!!!GRRRR
anyway; i guess im not as nice as you guys, almost from the beginning, when someone starts to tell me their fav. story (she said sarcastically) i put the talk to the hand up; and tell them I'm not listening to anyones' story.. i have my own to worry about.. i've even started scens ( and i don't care) when they try to continue.. i find that the most hurtful; listening to what i don't want to hear!!!!
i had a hairdresser in the beg; and thats' the comment i can't seem to erase...
she told me that my long red hair, and my big boobs were my trademark: and how would i ever live without them....OUCH.. the bus wasn't enuff for her, she went in the bonfire!!!!!
to make it worse, losing my hair to the hypothyroid has been traumatizing, to say the least!!!!
but, we DO go on, sometimes, just because we have no choice... ive been so down lately, i was sick of myself..today, i got a call to tell me i have bacterial pneumonia, and to take this antibiotic.... guess that MIGHT affect my mood, ya think??hahaha ya just gotta laugh, sometimes, cause there's no more tears left!!!
Good luck with the surgery tommorrow Eema" veggy, im praying for your friend, and for you who still is there for her!...................3jays
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Eema ..., here's wishing you an uneventful surgery today.
3Jaysmom ... I think the key is you WILL live - red hair, big boobs, or not. How insensitive of that hairdresser. And good for you - don't put up with their crap. It is so frustrating when someone crosses the "line" and you're left having to clean up the mess. And its even more frustrating to have multiple health problems. I pray those antibiotics work quickly. Take care.
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I have to dig a little deeper in myself and find the courage (or don't care attitude) to put my hand up and stop the conversation when people tell me a cancer story. I'm already living two stories...mine and my friend's. I don't need anymore. I'm off to my friend's house this afternoon. Thanks everyone!
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Hugs to you, veggy, and everyone else here. Yes, we absolutely have the right to tell people to STOP telling us their horror stories and all that. And yes, it does take courage to exercise that right. So let's all try to remember that, as tough as it might be at the time. Being in a positive state of mind doesn't mean being passive.
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Orangemat .. I love that - "being in positive doesn't mean being passive." I'm going to steal it - okay?
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No need to steal, it's free! Or as I like to say, plagiarism is the highest form of flattery.
Oh, but just make sure you get the quote right... looks like you left a word or three out!
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ok...here's one...not - how are you feeling - but - so what's your prognosis.....really?
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I can't stand when someone tells me what they would do if they were in my situation. Even just little things like, "If I had to have chemo, I'd just shave my head before my hair could fall out."
Well, y'know, I always thought I'd do that, too, but when it actually happened to me, I felt differently. The thing is you DON"T KNOW what you'd do until you're in it.
patti13 ~ Don't you just hate people sometimes?
(((Hugs to everyone in this thread)))
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I read this thread often and it still shocks me sometimes what gets said to us while we are in the midst of treatment etc . . . I know for me, most everyone is very supportive even in their own sometimes awkward ways. Yesterday, though, someone said something that was so brazen that I most certainly thought it would deserve the "bus." But, by the end, I realized that things are not always how they seem . . .
I was in a locker room getting ready to go swimming when a women standing across from me, almost yelling, said "who did yours?" I didn't realize that she was talking to me until she lifted up her shirt to show me her reduced breasts and her scar from her tummy tuck. I actually, very patiently I might say, explained that mine were the result of breast cancer and a mastectomy. I tried not to be too offended but my anger was mounting at her brashness. She went on to explain that she had been diagnosed with a brain tumor and, as a result of the tumor had gained a lot of weight. After they removed the tumor she had lost so much weight that she had to have surgery to remove all the excess skin hence the breast reduction. Okaaaay . . . I thought. But then she shared with me that she struggles with daily seizures and that she might be having surgery to implant a device to reduce the seizure activity or have part of her brain removed (?!?). Wow. I paused at that moment, realizing that my preconceptions/judgment about her and her motivations were the problem, not her. It made me realize that things are not always how they seem . . . she was on her own long journey of recovery.
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I have reached the point that I stop the person telling the "my friend, family member, etc.... had cancer" story that I don't want to hear it unless the story has a long and HAPPY ending. That usually shuts them up in their tracks. I did have to walk out of the breakroom at work one day when a co-worker was going on and on about her son and hospice. She has not brought up the subject again.
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BikerBabe1,
What you just wrote... Very insightful (hope that's the right word)... The kindness of stopping to think where that person is coming from... I really like what you diid. Thank you.0 -
Bikerbabe1: I sure like what you did too. Thank you for sharing it with us. Maybe I can try to learn from your experience.
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Got this e-mail today from my sister. Wow, clueless!
Cancer is a
strange cell.
You can go
along for years in remission
and then one
day it pops its head up again.
If you ever
have it you will never be free of it.
Pray for the
day there will be a permanent cure.0 -
Gee, mammalou, nice way to make you feel secure about your health!
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Mammalou, WTF?!?!?! As if we all aren't paranoid enough about mets, what we *really* need is to be reminded of it in free verse. In an email. Egads. If anyone sent me this, I think I would kick them. No, really.
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Well I finally got some balls for the first time in my life and sent her an e-mail back. I told her that it probably wasn't a good e-mail to send to someone who has been battling breast cancer for the last year and who already has many sleepless nights and lives in fear everyday. I caught my DH heading for the address book to call and yell at her! Whatever! I can't even say it upsets me, except I wonder how someone in my own family can be so clueless.
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Dear Mamalou,
I thought my sister was a jerk! (see previous post) Now she's sending me articles about which antidepressants I should start taking. Maybe if some of these ignoramuses spent some time thinking about how they are perceived... they would leave us alone in our quest for healing.
My best to all, Valgal
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Mammalou, I bet when she replies she tells you how helpful she thought it would be. Valgal's sister, too.
Sigh. It would be nice if people would just think every now and then.
Leah
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Mammalou, Sorry your sister is clueless!!! Did she draft this ....like look at the poem i wrote for you?? UGGG!!! My 12 year old son shows more empathy!! Good for you for sending her a reply. I was told from my running friend 3 weeks after mastectomy that "I had cancer and the doctor cut it out and that I no longer have it. What more is there to it? The surgery is over!". I was like...Whatever!!!!
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And you could tell your sister that the poem doesnt even rhyme!! LAME!
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Angel, my husband said the same thing to me, repeatedly. "You're healthy now, it's over, be happy about it." At first I was in too much shock (of the experience as well as over what he was saying to me) to be able to process my thoughts coherently and explain to him that NO, it's not over just like that. It's not that simple. He meant well, of course. And that was how he was processing it himself, so that he wouldn't go crazy over the fact that his wife got the dreaded "C" and he was helpless to do anything about it.
So I guess that's my point: these people have issues with it themselves, and so they say these things to us because (subconsciously) that will make THEM feel better. I'm sure most of them aren't even aware that's why they're saying these things to us. When I confronted my husband about it (and also about the comment he made to me THREE DAYS AFTER MY UMX that I was just "faking my positive attitude" to everyone else, since I'd complain of pain and such to him all the time), he had this blank look on his face, like he couldn't fathom that he was projecting or whatever.
Studying yoga has taught me to have compassion for other people, even when they're being cruel to me. Doesn't mean I have to taking lying down though.
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"Well at least you already have small boobs, so it's not like you are going to miss them than much. Imagine if you had big ones like me, that would be really horrible." Said to me by a relative
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oh yes the its over comments all the time little do people realize its never over its the gift that keeps on giving... hence the ultrasound I had due to bleeding due to Tamoxifen which was kind enough to give me endometrial cysts and thiickening of the endometrium that my doc now wants to monitor... oh yes its over all right! I think the issue is , that they need it to be over, it just doesnt work like that though. ok I am on a roll tonight but that and the fact that family and friends feel the need to email me and call me to say " oh hey btw I got my mammogram done and all is good" .. ok dont get me wrong I am happy that all is good honest but you never felt the need to announce it to me before why now???
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Mamalou- I think we all need to pitch in and write a special poem to your sister.....
Fitzdc- Unreal.....
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Mammalou.....................I am an only child.....................after hearing a comment like that from a "so called sister"..............I'm glad I am................how heartless................WTF was she thinking........................just be glad she didn't make you a poster for your wall.
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Fitzdc....NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Say it ain't so!!! That one blows me away.
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it sure has taught me to take a moment, and think about what I"M about to say, about, well, anything, now.... i like orangemats attitude. i try to send good vibes, but don't take it lying down, either... don't confuse my lovingkindness with weakness.. a fav saying i have......3jays0
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fitzdc
I'm sorry someone would say something so heartless. We all miss our breasts as well as our peace of mind of a long, cancer free life. Unfortunately I had numerous similar comments said to me that I must be so happy now that my breasts were smaller. (you mean Missing). I really wanted to kill some people or at least scream at them.0 -
I think we should have a ready-made answer for all those smug people who think they're helping us by reminding us of our own mortality.
How about "Well thank god I'm being closely monitored. At least I'll know if I have a recurrence. The people I feel sorry for are all those women who have a ticking time bomb in their breasts and don't know it. You know mammography didn't pick up my cancer, right? By the way, when was the last time you had an MRI? Never? Oh...well...good luck. I'm sure you don't need to worry too much."
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