The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Get a different therapist. You need to get one with whom you 'click',and hopefully has some experience dealing with people with trauma, preferably something like your issues/trauma. When I started getting awful symptoms (after my LCIS diagnosis) I went through the referral system of a psychological institute. I chose the first person on the list. The referral person said if this person didn't work out **for any reason whatsoever** then give her a call back. This first therapist on the list has worked out well.
You will not 'click' with every therapist. My current therapist had a 3 session 'trial period' to see if we would get along (this was for both of us, but I was horribly afraid of 'being rejected'.)
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Elizabeth--I, too, am religious, and have access to counseling with my pastor, but he is a man and I don't think any man can truly comprehend the emotional impact of bc. I am currently looking for a therapist, and found this site:
http://www.apos-society.org/survivors/helpline/helpline.aspx
Sorry it's not posting as a link. It's a site of the American Psychological Oncology Society and there is a phone number and an e-mail link to find counselors trained in supporting people diagnosed with cancer. I've sent in my info and expect to hear back today or tomorrow.
I'm 4 years out and I haven't "gotten over" it yet. Can't see that I ever will. My "new normal" includes ongoing fear of recurrence or discovery of mets. I'd really like my "old normal" back but that will never happen.
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3jays - I love the bus! Will picture it in my mind whenever I hear a stupid comment.
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NOBODY -- BIT NOBODY would expect someone suffering from PTSD to get "over it." If we don't have PTSD who does? We were emotionally and physically assaulted for goodness sake. The very definition of PTSD is:
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.
And we were wounded on top of the emotional distress! And everday we see the scars ol our trauma. Who wouldn't get down?
BTW - my PCP told me, after my tissue expanders failed, that "at my age, I wasn't looking for a husband anyway." I guess he was trying to be re-assuring - afterall I was "too old" to find a husband, "too old" to attract a man, and "too old" to care about how I looked. Why not put me on an ice floe and send me down the river and be done with me?
I should have asked him if he would like to have his balls removed, after all he was married and had three children
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I don't think this is the dumbest comment I've had but it has me very upset and down.
I saw a good friend yesterday. She asked how I was doing. I told her that I saw the radiation dotor last week and everything was good. I told her that I am triple negative and that I see one of my doctors every three months. She told me that her husband's sister had BC when she was in her thirties. It was cured but in 15 years it came back. She died when she was 47. Then she asked me how old I am. I'm 47. First I thought that I could be dead at my age. Now I am convinced that I have less than 15 to live and that I will die at the age of 60. I know I don't have an expiration date on my butt but I am terrified. I wish my brain wouldn't focus in on what peole say. It echoes over and over again.
Do we ever "get over it"? I don't think I will.
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veggy- we all have different breast cancers, treatment and futures. That person's story likely was quite different from yours and treatment is different than it was in her time. It's as relevant as your idiot friend telling you of someone being hit by truck at 47. Why oh why do people feel they have to tell us every rotten story in their feeble memory banks?! And why do they wait til we are vulnerable to tell us these things?! I hope you can replace her story in your head with something better. And I know how difficult that is.
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I also have a friend, a best friend, who is stage four and is not doing good at all. I am seeing her deteriorate down to skin and bones. Between her and that horror story I am almost convinced. I have been trying to tell myself that her medicine has changed over the last 15 years and the techniques and medicine are better. Now I have to readjust my thinking somehow. It doesn't take much to screw me up.
Thanks.
Valerie
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Awwww, Valerie, big hugs to you and best wishes for peace and comfort for your friend. Sometimes the posts on this thread are funny, and other times they are unbelievably sad. Still, Lassie's post is so true - everyone is different. I hope you can focus on that.
Two of my closest friends and my mom's brother died at age 39. I turn 39 this week, and I have this fear that it will be my time. I know it's irrational, but still...Apparently I need to take my own advice!
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Veggy and Cowgirl - Although it is difficult to hear these insensitive comments, please remember as Lassie said - all cancers are different and everyone responds to treatment in different ways.
I hope that you both feel better as the days go by. Soon you will be wondering where the time went when you celebrate your 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th etc birthdays.
I haven't started any threads yet but perhaps it would be a good idea to open one to help each other celebrate each and every birthday! Haven't seen one along this line yet. What do you think?
Sending ((hugs)) & smiles!
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I haven't been on this board for a while, but I need to vent. My best friend's brother's stupid wife just sent me a message that said, "Hey good luck tomorrow! I want to have my boobs done too, because they hang to my belly button..." Well, she said it spelled wrong and with grammatical errors that I can't replicate since I'm not that dumb...
I have my exchange tomorrow. I'm going to go cry. Stupid &itch.
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Eema, when will people understand reconstruction is NOT A FREAKING BOOB JOB???!!!! That drives me crazy. Yes I think it's okay for those of us with cancer to joke about it amongst ourselves, but coming from someone healthy it's just unbelievably obnoxious and ignorant. I mean, I jokingly refer to myself as "The Uniboober", but really have been having balance/muscle/neck issues due to a DD on one side and nothing on the other...can't wait for reconstruction!
Best wishes for a smooth exchange tomorrow Eema.
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I haven't had anyone say the boob job comment to me, but I have told people that I do plan to grow a pair!
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This will sound very mild compared to some of the insensitive comments some of you have endured on this thread, but when a close friend of mine said this to me, I was stunned.
After I had my lumpectomy and I told her about the pathology results, she asked what was next. I told her I refused Tomox and mastectomy out of the gate because I have DCIS Stage 0 Grade 1-2 and that they found no malignancy (was upgraded to DCIS based on cell architecture and comedo). The next day after she'd discussed this with her daughter (neither of these woman have had bc), she called me and said why on earth would I not do rads or Tomoxifin and why were they not giving me chemo. I understand her concern and when you see a GF doing something you feel (with knowledge) might harm her, you say something. But she was clearly not informed and frankly, right after we go through our surgeries and our pathologies are revealed we are vulnerable - it's a shock no matter what you think you knew to hear the final diagnosis. I wish people would simply be supportive, ask informative questions (if they are close friends) and forego the long looks and assumptions based on what they think they know. We are still friends but I have to say I don't see her as smart as I once did.
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One of my sisters reported that one of her good friends was diagnosed with breast cancer. I asked what kind and she repeated BREAST CANCER! I said I heard her the first time - what kind of BREAST CANCER did she have? This was after my diagnosis and bilateral mastectomy!
Now for a positive story - my grandmother was diagnosed with a breast cyst - not malignant and when she got her house in order they would book her into a hospital. Never one to procrastinate, she insisted they take it out NOW. It was malignant and they removed her breast (and in those days her muscle so there was only skin over her ribs). This, I believe, was when she was 50 years old. She died at 81 of septicemia from a fall which had absolutely no connection to her breast cancer.
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Eema--Its too bad she is so insensitive and superficial to reduce what you are going through as a boob job. She clearly misses the boat. I wish you the best with your exchange. I was glad to have that "brick" removed from my chest and my chest feels much better now. I hope you do as well. Take care
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I worked for a guy who, when he wanted to take the wind out of someone's sails said
"You CLEARLY don't know what you're talking about."
I think we should use this whenever someone talks to us who "CLEARLY don't know what they're talking about!
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Kathleen:
I am so with you about the comments re we should care how we look because of our age or our chances of attracting a man. I actually got that comment from the 1st PS I talked to! I guess I wasn't supposed to care about my outcome because I am almost 60 (age 59 to be exact), overweight and alone. I guess my prospects of ever finding a man is slim to none, but who ever said that is was why I cared how I ended up looking? I am not, having reconstruction because of any man! It is for me. So I have some semblance of normalcy when I take a shower or get undressed at night!
Phyllis
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blue cowgirl--happy birthday to you this week! I was diagnosed at 40 and heard the "good thing you caught it early" comment over and over and those saying it didn't even know what stage i had. Mine was found on my first mam before any spread to lymph nodes but people make stupid, generalized comments.
i did have someone ask if i was sure i had a mastectomy. she told her boyfriend there was no way i had one because i still have boobs! Granted, I had heavy expander bricks for boobs but she was convinced i didn't have a mastectomy! like i wouldn't know??!!!!0 -
Kathleen and Phyllis,
those comments made by those in medical profession are so wrong and insensitive. I'm glad you are choosing what you want for YOU..confident, strong women! Don't let those senseless jerks take your confidence or smile away.0 -
Eema: Will be thinking of you as you go thru your exchange tomorrow. I am so happy for you getting thru this next milestone.
Phyllis
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angelfromabove... oh yes the good thing you caught it early your young youll bounce back crap!!! I was 41 and I didnt realize cancer went easy on you if you were younger!
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Eema... best wishes tomorrow!!!
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Angelfromabove, yes, why on EARTH does anyone assume BC was "caught early"??? I can't tell you how many times I heard that one. I'll admit, I knew next to nothing about staging before my diagnosis, but I was at least aware that finding out you have breast cancer in your 30s or at any other age doesn't always mean you "caught it early", for goodness sakes.
I wouldn't consider this bus-worthy at all, but the same people who say the whole "caught it early" thing are invariably the people who say, "it's not so bad because you're so young and healthy." Well actually, it is generally more agressive the younger you are, and when you have cancer in your lymph nodes you are far from freaking healthy!
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for sure, i totally agree about the young and your so healthy comments. and i learned the same about the aggressiveness and diagnosed at a younger age. I guess I have always kept my mouth shut when I don't know much about a subject matter. But some people must feel compelled to say SOMETHING...even if it is stupid. I think the girl questioning if i actually had a mastectomy is the stupidest comment said to me so far. i was seriously like, do you think i'm making this stuff up??? rrrrrr!!!!!
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Valerie--I am sorry to hear how your friend is doing. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers. There are so many emotions and hurtles to go through and it is very understandable to have the emotions you are experiencing. It is okay to have days like that. Big hug to you!
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Angellfromabove - Thanks for the hug. Tomorrow I want to go and spend some time with my friend. I have been so busy since the weekend.
Eema - I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.
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I have to add my thoughts on the boob job comments. Who would plan their "boob" job which involves removing your nipples? Those comments are so stupid it hurts.
Elizabeth
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Angelfromabove, the mastectomy thing...Unbelievable. Who *thinks* like that? And even scarier, who thinks like that *and* shares their thoughts with others, out loud??? People are so freaking weird! Some days I feel like the only "normal" people who behave appropriately are the ones with cancer? Could there be a correlation? LOL
Veggy, sending warm thoughts and prayers for you and your friend.
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I have to mention this even though it came from my daughter. I had told her about my diagnosis about one week prior. She was visiting. I was puttering in the yard and I asked if she could help me move something. She said, "I can't. Do you know how upset I've been since you told me you had breast cancer." I felt like saying, try being in my body.
Or if I end up with bmx with recon, the comment," oh just think you'll have a nice perky set."
I like the ones I have. How rude!
I also would think,in my head, that I wish I could take off my breasts (they get heavy and sore) little did I know that stupid thought would become a reality.
Sometimes, you just don't think.
Also, as many have said. It amazes me that if you mention you have cancer, smeone has a story of someone who died from cancer. There are so many more who living their lives the best they can with uplifted spirits and hope and making it.0 -
Bluecowgirl--You make me laugh! Amazingly enough, some of the most positive and strong things to come my way were from my boss..who is a man! I ignore the ignorance and focus on the positive. This thread has given me some laughs. The wit and charm of the women out there, even going through all of this!
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