The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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I was the one who said "I may have lost my breasts, but I found my balls!" as I worked in an all-male office. They told me I fit in better, too!
I had a pacemaker put in yesterday and OH MY!! the questions thrown at me by all the nurses as they're prepping me for the surgery!! Did you find the lump orWhy did you do both sides? When was it? Did you have to do chemo? Radiation? The questions just went on and on. I smiled when they put the oxygen mask on...I mean seriously? I'm here for my heart! Not a breast cancer symposium!!!
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People are so curious about every little detail! I think they're looking for something they can point to and say, "Aha! That doesn't apply to me, so I'm safe."
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denial.......not just a river in Egypt.......
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One of the very first people I confided in (a close friend) said, "I don't feel too upset by your diagnosis. Another one of my friends had breast cancer, so I know I can get through it."
Another one: "I'm glad this happened to you and not to me. I would never be strong enough to deal with it."
By the way, these are close friends and they're not dumb or insensitive, either. It's just that sometimes the first thing that comes to mind isn't necessarily the best thing to say!
Another friend, who came over with her husband and kids just a couple of hours after I got home from the hospital (not even 24 hours after the surgery), said, right in front of my kids: "So, what's the prognosis? Is it terminal?"
And today, a guy I've known for many years, someone who paints for us regularly and is a family friend, well into middle age, met with me on the street, looked at my flat chest (the drains were hidden, fortunately), and said, "Wow! Look what they did to you!" And he started to laugh.
None of these things upset me because I know that all of these people care. But it made me realize that I probably say very dumb things to other people all the time. Now I'm afraid to open my mouth!
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riley702 - Very astute. I never thought of it that way, but we do that so often with the bad things you hear on the news, and analyze it so you can say something so awful would never happen to me. Makes you think of what others say in a new light.
It's interesting, at least to me, that it's the acquantainces' comments that sting the most. Just because I think a lot of its uncalled for, like they feel obligated to say something, but more often than not it's either offensive or hurtful.
You're right, Sandyflats, that it's the close friends who say the stupid things that, at least for me, I'm more understanding of. At least I feel more comfortable smacking them upside the head!
Last week, a very dear friend told me how lucky I was that I lost all of my hair, because she's always thought it would be fun to be bald but she never had the guts to cut off her long & thick hair. Oh, yes, I'm a lucky, lucky girl. Really?0 -
CS, tell her she should be so lucky. And then smile evilly.0
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Time to grab your scissors and ask "Do you feel lucky?" while channeling Clint Eastwood.
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Oh! I should absolutely take my clippers with me next time I see her.
"What? You weren't serious? But it's so....liberating! Freeing! Everyone should do it at least once!" while giving my best innocent blink-blink look. Because losing all of one's hair is just the best thing ever.0 -
How about this for stupid???
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and just told me if he could, he would "bang' my friend's daughter, (who is in her early 20's, has many problems, has been sexually abused, is really slutty).
He tells me I am fat, ugly, disgusting, retarded, worthless, and a giant "carbuncle on the ass of society." ( yes, he is quite abusive, in may ways.)
He is sitting ere telling me i am a fucking asshole, a dummy, and the computer will be confiscated and locked up for my "ham-handed pounding of the keys":)
I type with 2 fingers now because I can't feel the rest, sorry.)
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1vamom - I've got baseball bat in hand, where is He??
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1vamom--where's the nearest women's shelter?If I were close enough I would come out and drive you to it myself, and then go back and explain to the ba$#ard just how idiotic and stupid he is. Let's see if he's got balls enough to go after a woman who is (1) angry, (2) healthy, (3) angry, (4) relatively strong, (5) angry, (6) well able to defend herself, (7) angry, and (8) has already called the police. And on top of that, is angry!
You do not have to put up with his $hi##. It is abuse. No abuse is tolerable or deserved. Let him go bang the slutty girl, get whatever disease(s) goes with that behavior, and live with the consequences. Don't stay and let your 6 year old continue to learn about how men behave from this jerk.
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You go NM!
1vamom heed the advice!0 -
1vamom - there's no more room in your life for that kind of bull$hi#.......Cancer has taken care of that for you. Time to kick him to the curb with yesterdays trash. If you cant do it for yourself, do it for your 6yr old, who has this imbecile for a role model!
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1vamom, I am sorry he has such a low opinion of HIMSELF! Well maybe not sorry! The others are so right! He does not deserve YOU or your daughter!!! This is NOT how anyone should be treated. Believe me! Had my mother left her first husband sooner maybe my brother would not be 1/2 the messed up soal he is today! Gentle Hugs if understanding! Please get out for You & your Daughter!
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ivamom
I truly hope you muster the strength and courage to either kick this asshole out or move yourself. I'm sure this isn't the first time he has shown his true colours but you have to know you deserve more out of life than putting up with his BS. My "DH" has been very insensitive at times throughout my TX (mostly about money) and I am putting things into place to move on in the very near future. I can't imagine how miserable you must be nevermind stressed out.
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Thanks all, a few things,
1. his house, I (and OUR daughter are on medicaid) so I very literally have nothing but the clothes on my back, a ratty car, and about 10.00.
2. he threatens constantly to evict me. (Yes, he's too stupid to get that it isn't possible in a domestic situation to "kick" a woman and 6-year-old on the street.
3. While going thru chemo, (2010) I was on steroids, had a completely incompetant MO, told them I needed an antidep. of some sort, she told me to take my mental health "issues" elsewhere, I laid down one sunny day and tried to die, so this guy went to the magistrate, swore that I hit him, poison him, terrorize him, and whatever else, he had me thrown out on the street, when i called to beg for mercy and help, he had me LOcKED IN JAIL for 4 days in a suicide suit, naked. Now I have a charge for Violating a "protective order!!!"
4. My mom was just diagnosed with Parkinson Disease, and is deteriorating fairly rapidly.
5 I am homeschooling my daughter to deal with ins. address issues, and because she and I LOVE it. He is threatening me (with his lawyer) that he will turn me in and have me charged with multiple felonies, such as medicaid fraud, truancy isues, etc.
6. I am very close to exploding.
7. he's standing here rigt now, threatening me, and if I don't answer, he will take away HIS computer.
8. I hate this man.
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1vamom
Can you get yourself and your kids to a shelter. You will get somewhere to live, clothing, food and likely pro bono legal assistance to deal with this bully. You really have nothing to lose.
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It is far braver to GET THE HELL out of that house, than it is to stay! It is far harder to get to a shelter than it is to stay. It is YOUR choice, but please listen to the advice you are hearing. There are shelters every and he can't touch you. You could still home-school your daughter, but perhaps she'd benefit from the normalcy of school. GET OUT. Take what you can in a suitcase and walk away. You will be stronger for it in the end.
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Id rather live in the street with my kid than live with this A-hole! Get out - find a shelter, a couch, your mom, your church? I cant imagine this is good for your physical recovery, let alone your mental/emotional recovery. Please ask for help......If I had a friend in this situation, I would take them in in a heartbeat! Sending you strength to change your reality, and clarity to know you and your child deserve so much more in life.......
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If necessary forget the suitcase! Grab your child and ID and GO!0
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I am not sure why I am responding but .... Get out!!!! You are better off in a shelter. What on earth is this kind of relationship doing to your daughter's emotional stability. If not for you, get out for her. She has a chance still but if she stays in a house with that much emotional abuse then she will be scarred for life. Is that what you want for her?
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I've been trying to comment on this since it was posted, but I'm afraid that what I say is going to sound very harsh so in the nicest way I can come up with...
Your child has to come first. Keeping her in a situation like that is unacceptable. Even if he is nice to her, watching her mother being treated like that is mental abuse. There are places that will help you and there is no excuse to stay somewhere you and your child are abused. Please, if not for you, get out for your daughter.
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My neighbor knows I am going through treatment for breast cancer, and when she saw me with my new short hair cut she yelled across the street - "I just can't get used to your short hair!" Thank God I was quick on the draw and shouted back "You don't have to - because it's falling out!" People!?!?!?!!!!!!
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1vamom-- I hear what you are saying. I know it is hard to think about walking out with nothing but the child in your arms and the clothes on your back. This is how abusers control their targets. The legal threats, etc, are another intimidation tactic. He doesn't want to have to break in a new target, so he's scaring and manipulating you into staying by making you think you have no resources, no power, no protection. What he doesn't know is that he is WRONG. You have resources: Your child and your crappy car, and if the car isn't running you have your feet. You have your knowledge that you are being abused and the will to make it stop. There are shelters everywhere, and they are set up just for this kind of situation. You will meet other women who left their abusers with nothing but the clothes on their backs. You will find support services to help you get a job, a safe place to live, and legal representation. You do have power--our legal system is set up to provide services and protection to victims, and you are a victim. You can access these powerful programs through any shelter, or find them in the yellow pages, or even on notices in public ladies rooms. You do have protection under the law, and through shelters and organizations that have formed to protect abused women and their children.
I know walking out with only the clothes on your back and your child in your arms is a hard thing to do. Call the center where you are getting bc treatment and speak with a social worker. He/She can and will connect you with the help and protection you need. Walk into any police station and ask for help, you will get it. Walk into the nearest business, ask them to call 911 for you. But you can do it. Show your child what a normal woman is truly like and capable of under the most oppressive situation. And, please, do it before he starts in on your daughter. Most abusers of adult women also abuse female children in the house. Don't let that happen to your daughter.
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1vamom--one thing I forgot--your abuse, happening in front of your daughter, is emotional abuse of your daughter. If you really cannot get yourself out, call Child Protective and get your daughter removed for her sake.
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1vamom
Please let us know that you're OK. NativeMainer great advice!
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Came to post a dumb thing said to me and found vamom needs support. Pleasse let everyone know you are all right. You are being held up and encouraged, not chastized, the women here want to help you. You have nothing to look back for, nothing. If the crappy car stays where it is, oh well, less chance of him locating you. At a shelter you are safer, safer than when hiding with friends or family. You get a chance to get on your feet, collect the disability you need and get healthcare as needed, they have clothing for you, meals, emotional support and the way to move you forward with newly found energy and selfcare.... without you needing to look back. You will be able to arrange time with family and friends as you become more secure and not an easy target. There is no reason to look back, all the reaasons to look forward. There is another world out there, away from him. I hope you reach it, godspeed to you and your daughter.... freedom.
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Leaving an abusive relationship takes courage - so does facing a dx of cancer. You need strength and support mama, to get thru this - clearly not what you are getting now. Funny thing about cancer is it brings clarity and focus in to your life....whether it is appreciation for what you have.......or insight to know you arent getting what you need, which is love and support. I hope you gather your strength, ask for help......and find the way to be strong in both your battles .......No judgement from me - and Im sure from any of the ladies who posted here - some of us have been there......we all support you!
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Absolutely no judgement made or intended!
I lost a close cousin to domestic abuse/violence. I am passionate about not letting that happen to another woman and her children. If I sounded judgemental, I apologize. I am not judging you or the situation. I get intense, because I remember my cousin's situation, how hard it was for her to try to leave her abuser and eventual murderer, even with the help of a large family. If she hadn't gone to meet him to tell him face to face she was filing for divorce she would still be alive. Her 3 children, now all adults, all have emotional and psychological problems from the witnessed abuse and the murder of their mother. I just do not want that horror to happen to any other family.
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vamom,
I have sent you a private message - I just wanted to share my own story with you of my journey when I left my own abuser. It is possible, and help is out there.
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