The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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:-)
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Ksusan--shouldn't have had a BMX, just faddish and unnecessary? "So women whose breast cancers can't be reached by lumpectomy should leave the cancer in place to kill them? You think it's better to die than have a mastectomy?" "So I should have left the cancer in place to keep growing since it couldn't be reached by lumpectomy?" "So I should have left the cancer untreated and die since a lumpectomy couldn't get it?" People can say the craziest things, and it's obvious they don't know ALL the facts.
Icietla--LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the pic!
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I have tended to say, "With the extent of the cancer, lumpectomies would have left my breasts looking like Mount St. Helens." All of us in the northwest have a vivid image of that.
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New pet peeve: As I get through this whole cancer treatment ( still have more to go). I've been going to some of the threads with newbies trying to be supportive. It's so frightening at the beginning and I found that when someone piped in who was out a ways and told me how they got through it helped so much. So many of my worries and fears didn't come to fruition and hearing good news helped. What wasn't helpful was the stories where someone was driving, working out, going to work or off pain meds three days out from a double mastectomy or running a marathon while on chemo. I get that this can be encouraging but the down side is it can make the rest of us over do it. More power to them, but I think they are the exception not the rule. In response to these super women I tried to get off pain meds WAY too soon a couple of times. It took me a good month until I was entirely off opioids(sp) and able to manage the pain with Tylenol and in retrospect that was fine. I don't want this to be construed that I'm going after anyone on this forum. This is a beautiful supportive environment and I expect the good news stories are written just as that: good news but I think they can be hard on us mere humans trying to get through this cancer fight.
petty rant: i shared a photo to a group of friends of me ringing the bell in the infusion room on my last day of chemo last week. Everyone in the group except one of my sisters congratulated me. Just now that sister asked me when my next chemo is going to happen. She has been unable to keep any of my dates straight. She asks and I tell her over and over when things are happening and she promptly forgets. I have a giant support network including another sister. This dopey girl complained to my mother that she feels left out in my treatment. How can she possibly not understand why?
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I love what this picture says!! I have something similar on my phone homepage - She wears her scars like a warrior for they're a reminder that she's alive.
As for Agent Orange, I never knew it was used in this country! And the government will never ever admit that maybe, just maybe, it caused so many horrible diseases. And we are paying such a high price for that.
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Snickersmom, sadly yes. My father worked for the Forest Service and had been working on a grant for cross pollination. They published a report at the collusion involving various tree species. He would spray agent orange to kill off sections they grew, we lived in the farm house on the property. At the time 1960 to 1964 the chemical was not known to be harmful to humans or animals. You can imagine how he felt after learning of the harmful effects. My father passed away recently and wanted me to know I was exposed, he died of a brain aneurysm. That was in western Massachusetts.
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Ksusan--I bet that puts a pause in the conversation!
Rachelcarter35--I'm with you, the sharing of people who were further down the road was hugely helpful, but the women who could run marathons and such during treatment were a tad intimidating. Don't get me wrong, I was and am glad they were able to do that. I just didn't believe it when they said ANYONE can do it. How old is the sister who is having trouble keeping track of your treatment info? Old enough to have some early dementia going on? Or so afraid it will happen to her that she unconsciously blocks the info?
Meow--so many times a chemical is introduced into use and it's not until later that the damaging effects are discovered. The people originally using the chemical must feel horrible when the info comes out, but they couldn't act on what wasn't known at the time.
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Someone told me after my mastectomy, "Yeah, I'm in a lot of pain, too - I had a hemorrhoid pop up." Oh, sure, that's EXACTLY the same!
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I find it very helpful to hear about a range of experiences. It gives me a context for my own experience and alerts me to areas where I might want to involve my treatment team or change my strategy. I agree with NativeMainer that I appreciate most when people describe their own experiences and don't overgeneralize to suggest that eyeryone has or could have the same experience.
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I am amazed at how different people's experiences are. It has been really good for me to share with everyone.
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dear BC friends!
I can't believe the dumb things people say! Thank you for validating those things that irk me, it helps to make those comments sting a little less and helps me realize well meaning people say stupid thing.
Thanks All!
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ok, I did whine about this the other day on another thread but guess I’ll add it here too. My niece who has not really offered me any support the past year since I was diagnosed stage IV calls to tell me she lost her job. Rough, I get it. And then ends with, “ Its been a really rough week.” Never asks about my week - I had scans, blood work, oncology appointment, zomata infusion, a real picnic. Some people have the empathy of a rock!0
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KatyK, that's exactly right. Some people completely lack empathy and are only concerned with themselves. I hope you are doing well and hanging in there.
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Thank you for the reminder on trying too hard to be inspirational. I was "fortunate" "lucky" after all. (wth!?) But cancer sisters get a freebie/get out of jail card any time they need it. Healthy people who call me lucky - I want to slap. Hearing from ladies who during treatment had infections, dirty margins, rougher trips are so humbling.
One "friend" who sent me a late night text (loooong) one about her friend who was just diagnosed and was concerned, wanted to know what to do, to say, to not do - never replied back after I reached out to her 2x. Sometimes I wonder about people...other times I try not to give a damn too much.
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Geez, I had absolutely no idea that agent orange was even used in this country! When I read your post to my husband a few minutes ago, he just sat there at a loss for words. He said he knew about Korea and Vietnam but I don't think any of us ever dreamed it was used in this country. How sad that your dad had to tell you that you were exposed to it. I lived in Connecticut for most of my life, so I guess I was exposed to all the stuff they sprayed on the orchards near where we lived. Sad that we always find out too late.
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I don't have any idea how to categorize my husband's remark to me. I had a BMX over a year ago. We talked about reconstruction before I had surgery and he said whatever I wanted to do was fine with him. I didn't want reconstruction and we were both good with that. No bras of any kind are comfortable so I have gone flat almost all of the time.
So this morning when I was getting dressed, I was complaining about my Buddha belly and I asked him if I should wear a sports bra. He said "well, I think you look younger when you wear foobs!" Really???? After over a year of going flat, NOW you tell me that?? I was absolutely stunned. I asked him if he meant I look more "normal" and he said no, younger.
Has anything like this happened to anyone out there? And what do I do now? Frankly, I wanted to tell him to stuff it, but I just wish I could understand.
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It's possible he's changed his mind. People here change their minds down the road either to recon or go flat. Not sure what I'd do. If intimacy is good then I'd bring the comment back up. If not screw him and wouldn't care what he thought. I don't have a good tolerance for guys who are insensitive, esp spouses. Probably why I love being single.
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He usually is pretty sensitive and has been very supportive of me right from the day I was diagnosed. We aren't kids - I'm 71 and he's almost 75 and we've been married for 36 years. It just came out of nowhere and I can't quite figure out why he would have said it.
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In that case I'd ask if he's feeling ok. He said something uncharacteristic of him. Why. Only way to know.
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Hi , just wanted to share as I am also part of a Alzheimer's support group I've come to the conclusion that the people who don't get it never will unless it happens to them. I, for one already had a sister diagnosed with BC, and to whom I thought I was being supportive quickly realized I could have done much better after I received my own diagnosis. I learned quickly how much she went through as I was trying to understand cancer, what causes it, what treatments there are, etc. etc.
Some people who look for ALZ support can't seem to grasp the concept that their loved one has a brain disease that effects the cognitive abilities, their executive functioning, and yet they will still TRY to reason with a person with this disease. It will never work. I realize it is an instinctive skill, but they need to learn new ones to properly take care of someone with this.
Anyway, I've been pretty forgiving of people, most times I hope they just don't ask, other times I want to educate them. My favorite: Are you all done your treatments? I just answer, all good which I am, but really I'm not, I worry and I'm hating everything about this even though I feel well and am doing well!!!
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when I got diagnosed I contacted my best friend from my childhood...her mom died from breast cancer, I was small and I lived the whole sickness with my best friend...it was hard. Anyways I am in another country now and contacted her..she told me: I would recommend you to evaluate your life and see what you need to change. I am sure the cancer of my mom had emotional reasons...
how can someone be sure of that? Even now 9 months after diagnosis I worry thinking it was my fault...and remembering what she said
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another comment ..this is one was from my husband. I am not sure the comment was bad or good. One day maybe 10 days before surgery i was really depressed, cried and cried for hours. I am only 33...i had other plans for my life and I was scared.
so my husband comes and tells me: My love, my life, I know only you can really understand what you are feeling but if I knew I had only 5 years more to live I would be making love to you every day...and so enjoying my last years
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Valentina, you did nothing to cause your breast cancer. The most positive and mentally and emotionally healthy women get breast cancer. We don't know what happens on the cellular level of our bodies. We don't know that our immune system may miss a few wacky cells that grow to become cancerous. If we had control of such things we would not have breast cancer. Who would knowingly sign up for cancer? I think your friend had a traumatic childhood watching her mother die from breast cancer. She may be speaking from her own fear of getting BC and trying to reason why it happened to her mother.
Are there steps we can take to improve our quality of life and decrease the chance of a recurrence? Absolutely! But there is no guarantee these changes will make a difference. Stress brings on inflammation in our body and inflammation lowers are immune system which may allow those random cells to misbehave. So, I eliminate toxic people and toxic situations from my life. I think that might be what your friend was getting at in reference to her mother. Keep loving your childhood friend and just because she said it doesn't make it true.
Regarding your husband...remember your cancer diagnosis happened to him too. I think he was lovingly trying to say, “be positive". No one can dictate your feelings, emotions and response regarding your cancer diagnosis. You own them and that is why a breast cancer diagnosis feels very isolating and lonely, even when we have supportive family and friends. And he can't possibly know what is going on with your hormones while taking Tamoxifin.
This is a tragic occurrence in our lives. Grief and depression come with the diagnosis. Cry your eyes out...throw a tantrum...it's okay and we are here for you.
Blessings...
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Bella - you are absolutely right! I just had my 1 year anniversary and I'm still waiting to wake up from this awful nightmare. Like you, I try to stay away from toxic things and people. I was recently told how "lucky" I am because I don't have to have mammograms anymore. Really???? I'd give anything if I could have one now!
I'm in The Villages, just south of Ocala. Do you ever get down this way?
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I do go by there on my way to Tampa, although I haven’t been in awhile. I will reach out to you next time I am headed that way and maybe we can meet up for coffee, tea, or wine..
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Rosabella - I finally got my husband to tell me what he meant by saying I look younger when I am wearing foobs. He said well, since you were a teen you had breasts and as you got older, they started drooping and sagging and if you didn't wear a bra, they were hanging low (he didn't mean it to be nasty; just saying it generically). So now that I don't have them and I'm flat, he thinks my chest area looks like it would if I were in my late 70's or 80's. Makes no sense to me at all. When I told my therapist, she said to tell him now I look like I have the chest of a 12 or 13 year old! Well, maybe a bit younger than that, but I l
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thank you so much bella2013 😊
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regarding Alzheimer's, my aunt pisses me off. Still criticizes her husband when she knows he has it. Worst disease imo.
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