The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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What killed me was that it was hard on HIM! What does he think I feel when I look in the mirror every day?
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so glad I kept it all from everyone. Jeebus
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This doesn't really fall under "dumb" but...I had a few very close friends who were in my "inner circle" (those with whom I shared my biopsy and cancer news from the beginning). Although they cared deeply and are wonderful people, they did not call or text or email at all. When I would bump into them by chance, they'd ask (in a whisper) "How are you doing?" And when I filled them in, they expressed relief and every time said something like "Oh good...I didn't want to BOTHER YOU by calling/emailing/texting and I knew that you'd let me know if there was something to tell or you needed me."
I hope my response wasn't taken wrongly, but I didn't have time for a lot of tiptoeing around. So I replied in my most patient voice, "Remember you only have 1 me to contact. I have a LIST of friends and a very large family and I may not be contacting everyone. Even if you call/text/email at the 'wrong' time,' keep in mind that I just won't reply immediately but at least I know you're thinking of me and I WILL get your message and reply as soon as I can. So BOTHER ME! PLEASE!"
It didn't help. They thought they were being sensitive and kind. I felt ignored. (But not hurt - my priorities are bigger than this.)
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Oh and another one...when people would hear about my breast cancer or run into me for the first time since treatment (lumpectomy, SAVI brachytherapy and now AI's for 5-10 years), they say, thinking it's a right thing to say: "You don't look sick at all!" As though it's a compliment.
Well, I never WAS "sick." I just had some nasty cells and they are now, presumably, GONE.
Their comments make me feel like I need to prove that I have/had cancer or that it is/was serious.
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I remember when a coworker had BC and was doing chemo back in 2001. I brought her a box of evelyn crabtree aloe soap. At the time it was my favorite soap and it feels so good on the skin. I told her it is very gentle soap and I thought she would like it. Well she tried it and loved it. She said it was so thoughtful and simple and that no one else at work did anything. Well when I got diagnosed in 2011 she reminded me of how nice that was. If it wasn't for her I think I would have collapsed. I was terrified and she talked me through and told me encouraging things. She is still cancer free and she did a double DIEP it convinced me to do it, but I did one side.
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PatsyKB, I absolutely love your reply to them! Perfect
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InnaB2018:
I haven't unfriended anyone before but I think he would be my first. His comment is a good indicator that his relationship with you is more about him than it is about you than it should be...more specifically, all about him.
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OHMYGOD, InnaB2018. I can't BELIEVE he actually said that. Oh wait, yes I can. (There's always someone for whom it's all about them, isn't there? Reminds me of when my mother in law was dying and we, living in the same town, and my husband's sister - an hour out of town - were on deck, with her constantly. My husband brother, out of the country but with all the money in the world and the ability to go anywhere at any time? Oh, he couldn't BEAR to see her "like that." I guess he figured we loved seeing her in distress and dying? So...although she was truly holding out hope she'd see that rat again before she died, my mother in law passed away without ever seeing him again. Of course, he wanted everything as we were going through her home, but that's another story....)
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If breastfeeding were the pre-emptive cure for cancer, I, too, should not have it. My daughter LOVED nursing and nursed for two years.
I sometimes worry about taxing the goodwill of my friends and neighbors who offer to help. With the possible prolonged length of this disease - maybe another five years, now that I've got a recurrence, I don't want to tap them out. Anyone else worry about your friends/family's compassion fatigue?
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I know, Jojobird. I nursed my three kids for a total 4 years--that should have given me at least some immunity. Never took HRT, although I did take BCPs for about 3 years and I took Clomid for infertility for about 2 years. Of course, I got a late start on getting my period (15), having first child (30), and going through menopause (57), so i guess breastfeeding couldn't overcome all that. And there are those pesky gene mutations (PALB2 & Chek2.) But maybe it was working in the hospital all those years. Twenty-five years of night shift, I was bound to pick up some cancer. It certainly dicked with my sleep cycle and gave me sleep apnea. Hey, Maybe it was all the Coke I drank to stay awake! Or maybe it was all the wear and tear my first-born inflicted on this household (he's unmedicated bipolar). Hmmm....
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Unfortunately a 40 year old woman who works for the BBC has died from breast cancer. I read the comments on the news story. One man says stupid woman she should have had mammograms. Well needless to say I chewed right into him. If it were only that simple we would all have our breast cancers detected at the earliest moments. People really piss me off. Medicine is not as advanced as the commercials portray and screening are only good to a certain extent. I will scream and yell to do anything I can to enlighten the masses.
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Meow13:
At the risk of sounding paranoid, those comment sections are full of Russian agents who get paid to seed discontent in the west.
Russian Web Brigades/Troll Farms
If you see a particularly stupid or incendiary comment in the comment sections of a news story or on Facebook or similar sites, you have probably encountered one of them. If they manage to engage someone they get bonuses.
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I know you can tell right away. Sometimes if you look the commenter has tens of thousands of comments.
That guy may have been a troll.
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Meow - Such comments get to me too. Whilst this idiotic creature might have been a Russian troll, he may not and may be just out for a reaction or he may even believe his stupid theory. Whatever way I wish he could be made to listen to all of Rachel and her fellow 'You, Me and the Big C and Me' podcasters episodes, whilst simultaneously undergoing the male equivalent of a mammogramm (if only there was one!).
We move towards the Pink October, where many people are convinced that if only cancer is found early it could be cured! Well it may be a good thing, and mean it may not come back for some extra people. Maybe the increased survival is early detection. There are some that it wont prevent it going further. What we need is more publicity and fundraising for the cure for the only type of breast cancer that kills metastatic!
Rant over.
Back to Rachel Bland and her podcast. I would definitely recommend it as its three lovely ladies talk honestly and from the heart of their experiences, of cancer - not all breast cancer. Here is a link to the BBC page where you can download episodes or subscribe to their podcast.
Sarah
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I didn't know about Rachel until this week.... I've read her whole blog and my heart breaks for her, her husband and the small boy, so small... She was my age... It went so quickly downward with her, I am so afraid whether I will be granted to see my children enter school... ohmy. well, the dam broke and I cried and cried... which I somehow wasn't able to.
The russian troll farms... how interesting. I didn't know. But it really fits into the picture. It's so easy to sow doubt. For example the anti-vaccination notions - how simple and how effective. No need to use any novel weapons, just sow some doubt and the good old diseases will do their work. Thanks for the link
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If I'd had a mammogram every week none would have seen my tumor. Very high up, under pec muscle. Wonder if that guy would call me stupid to my face?
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One comment struck a cord with me. A man wanted to know why tumors can't be destroyed that he sees advertisements for targeted therapy destroying the cancer cells. I see this too, advertisements making it seem like cancer cures exists and are being used. Unless you are going through it and being told what treatment options there are for you you would think harsh chemotherapy and radiation are a thing of the past.
It has been 7 years since my diagnosis but my options were mastectomy (necessary), chemo AC & T or possibly another chemo CMF and anastrozole or similar hormone therapy.
I am thrilled for those you can have truly targeted therapy that have minimal health related side effects. But the advertisements suggest harsh chemo is a thing of the past.
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Wc3, I just believe after being involved in nursing, what will be, will be. They're may be a rhyme--- to the scenario, we can work on the scenario, outcome not so much.
I traced the cancer gene to my paternal grandmother. I was interested in a bilateral prophy b/c my twin had BC, and multiple other on the paternal side. I was the sixth, another cousin was quickly behind me. Of 21 women, 3 aunts/ 19 first cousins, we are now up to 10/ 21 having BC. Some premenopausal, some postmenopausal. Some double hits for other cancers. Of the male cousins it's been lighter, but they are starting to accumulate. I think the total now is 26(7) of 53 blood relatives have had a primary cancer.
The common factor was farm exposure to pesticides in the early 1900's. In those times the whole nuclear family of both the maternal side, and then the nuclear family of my dad was heavily exposed to pesticides. In the early days of pesticides, they had no clue about pesticide exposure. .
Plus, as Irish---celtic, we since learned we carry the gene for hemochromatosis. That word in general is associated with alcoholism(sic). But it has much more far reaching affects than that. It's associated with cancer. Multiple types. 1:200 people carry the gene(s)
Diverging------just missed a night rocket launch-----chit.--------dogs alerted and I didn't move fast enough. It was way up. The fun is seeing it go from ground up. Then dogs alerted again , have to wait for news stories.
Anywhooses, We talk about causes, we talk about survival. It's all a crap shoot to a degree. Genetics, drugs, unknown drugs that influence the scenario, unknown drugs that make it better or worse. I could go through much.So many unknown clue's why one us of survives and the other didn't.
Personally, I will always be curious about my survival from 2009, when the pathology report said "Ploidy 1.79" unfavaorable outcome". SO, what made the difference? No sleuth to figure it out. Was it the rapidness of getting the surgery done. Was there a surgical approach? Was there a drug? Was Toradol used? Was it b/c I took Melatonin? Was it b/c I took a betablocker? Was it b/c I used lot's of wine? Nicotine? Was it timing? Was it praying?...………..why with a path report that said "unfavorable outcome" in 2009, am I writing this? No clue...……………...I am, however, tired of losing folks...
Happy to be here
even though I wasn't predicted to be here0 -
Sas-schatzi--About the "unfavorable outcome" that kind of comment is based on statistics. And statistics only apply to groups of people. The only stats that apply to an individual are 0% and 100%.An individual either does not die (0%) or does die (100%) from cancer or it's treatment. With the "Ploidy 1.79" maybe a certain, relatively high percentage of people with that die within in 5 years, but there is no way to know if that applied to an individual until the 5 years goes by, then it's Hey, she didn't die, she's a 0%! Totally a crap shoot, sometimes.
Meow--Those TV commercials about targeted therapies are deceptive in a number of ways. First, to qualify for them a person generally has to have "failed" at least one or two "traditional" chemotherapy protocols. IF that targeted therapy is even available to the general public outside of a clinical study yet. Insurance often does not pay as these treatments are still considered "experimental" by the insurers. And they are not cheap. Lastly, the side effects can be horrendous, as bad or worse than "Traditional" chemo. But we won't hear about that until the drugs become more commonly used.
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Friend: "You must be loving having super short hair for the summer!"
Me: "Yeah, you should try it. Why don't you cut yours this short?"
Friend: "Oh no, I don't have the face for it. But you have cheekbones!"
Me: "Yeah, it's also fun explaining about the hair to people who ask about it."
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{{{StubbornDog}}}
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1 great thing happens during Pinktober: Panera has the yummiest bagels ever made shaped into a ribbon. Cherries, cranberries, vanilla and brown sugar...food of the gods right there ladies!
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Today at work: "You're going to feel horrible. You're going to be so sick! My sister-in-law and niece were deathly ill. You call me when you feel so horrible that you can't get out of bed. I'll come over."
Um... no thank you... I got this...
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Hi Pilsie You can excuse your work place friends as dumb but what about people who are doctors like my GP ? When I met her first time after my diagnosis she made a very serious face and told me that I should be prepared for a rough 2018 and my treatment will take a huge toll on me with chemo and radiation .This is when I was at a very early stage of diagnosis after biopsy and there was no way to decide my line of treatment . I met her with a positive face and ended up breaking down inside my car . I was able to skip radiation and chemo after my final pathology report from surgery . I sometimes feel some people take sadistic pleasure .With the word Cancer they start visualizing all the worse things that cam happen to you
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Wow! I agree, your GP should know better.
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This isn't a "dumb" thing, but it made me laugh. I teach middle school and I currently have a drain from having an infected TE removed. I have hidden it pretty well for several days but finally a student noticed it and asked what it was. I explained that I had surgery a week ago, and when they pressed me on it, I said that I had cancer earlier this year and will have a few surgeries this year but that everything is fine. A student asked me what stage the cancer was was and when I said, "Stage 1", she said, "Oh, good, that's nothing."
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Lula--wow, those sound YUMMY!I will have to check them out.
Piksie--come over and do what?Take the next round of chemo for you?
Dhanno--some people do just go for the worst case scenario, don't they? GP really should know better, though.
Ready--I wonder where that student got her info? Hopefully not from someone in her family having gone through bc treatment.
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A friend of my sister’s was diagnosed with TNBC in Moscow, Russia. She had a surgery and went to see an oncologist. A nurse at the hospital said to her: what’s the point? Nobody lives longer than 2 years with this diagnosis.
She is 7 years out and is going strong.
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Good for your sister's friend! And boo to that nurse!
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Piksie, some people have no clue. Ya, I'm sure it would be so helpful to have such a negative pessimist help you out at home...NOT. I was diagnosed with DCIS and decided on the bilateral mastectomy. One of my annoying co-workers did that to me the day before I was going for my surgery. She acted supportive and concerned at first but then told me about her sister in law who had a mx and then found out her DCIS was actually invasive and how sick the chemo made her and yadda yadda yadda. I just stared at her and walked away.
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