The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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My brother in law calls up my husband and tells him in a spooky tone to stay positive and not to stress as it will release cortisol and do furthur damage .
What the hell .We are not allowed to stress after such a big diagnosis .I invited BC because I am a negative person ?
I gave strict instruction to my husband that if he ever picks up his phone again I will divorce him . There are people in this world who so far are untouched by harsh realities and uncertainties of life which makes them feel that they are Gods Chosen ones and take liberty to shame not to fortunate ones .By brother in law in one such person .BC gave me the chance to purge him out of my life
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Not sure if I talked about one of the worst outcomes of cancer, but I have had wine, so I will b/c I was shocked..
Dear husband and I were dx'd 3 months apart. The next two years were hell. Basically, b/c of drug affects and doctor/nurse errors.
I didn't get out of bed much for the year after DH GReg died. Then when I did, I experienced something odd. Even before the end of that year. If I talked to a man, wives were very strange and protective. My twin warned me about this, but it took several situations to convince me she was right.What I found was, I was some sort of threat. I withdrew. Basically a hermit now. I have a BF, so it would seem I wasn't a threat to their spouse. DUH, I've never been a flirt, I've lived my life in uniforms. 12 years in Catholic school uniforms, then the rest of my life in suits(prim and proper), then nursing uniforms all around not wearing suits.
The funny thing, but I thought also very very nice. The first date that Donnie and I went on, I wore something that showed some cleavage. I was 62. I was 62. It was my first attempt at showing cleavage . Hahah I was 62. He was not happy. He said cover that up. I said why?He said that only belongs to me . Oh--before anyone gets crazy . Our first real big date was after we were mostly living together.
I thought it was so special. He lead a rough and tumble life. I won't recount here, but it screamed to me that he respected me. I was his gal. He liked that I didn't wear revealing clothes.
I do feel an irony though. I look at those that do either in person or on TV. I am completely straight.. But when someone wears a shirt that allows cleavage to be shown, the eye is drawn to it. Errh, them.
What ticks me off on TV is when men are wearing a tie and a suit, and the women are wearing a cleavage shirt. Duh. The point is the focus is? On Tv shows where the women don't do boob shots, I am very much more respectful of the women.
If you evaluate lot's of TV shows, that are either current or in residual, we find many different presenting "modalities".
I consider the non cleavage better.
Am I a prude?
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KSusan,
Love it!!! Thanks for the loophole 😉
Vickki
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Let me share an experience i had this morning: i went to my PCP for my pre-op testing. I needed an EKG, so I forewarned the young lady that i had had a BMX and my chest looks pretty bad. Her response was:"Oh, that's okay. I had a breast reduction, so i know exactly how you feel!" Seriously....i was so dumbfounded that i just sat there while she prattled on about her perky 22 year old breasts. Yeah. That's totally like losing your breasts to freaking CANCER.
I didn't say anything at the time, but I'm going to call the PCP and have her deal with this young lady. I'm sure the girl was just trying to make conversation and mistakenly thought that we shared a common breast issue. But her comments were thoughtless and would have been hurtful to me at an earlier time in my journey.
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Most dumb things people say or do are motivated by good intentions or by fear, but still, I find it a bit irritating to receive links to newspaper articles about BC every October. I never get my medical info from those sources, and why is that person assuming I am interested in these random reminders of BC. But it's one of the ways that person tries to show they care.Before October I'd better remind them it's been quite a while since I was treated for BC.
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Poodles--unreal!I'm sure you are right, she was trying to be reassuring, but at only 22 years old I'm sure she doesn't know any better. Although if she is working in the medical field she should have had SOME education about interacting with patients, but maybe they don't appropriateteach patient interaction anymore.Good for you for calling the PCP, and I hope the young lady is spoken to gently but firmly.
Oxygen--I hate the whole "Pinktober" thing every year, too. But people do mean well, and I try to keep my eyes on that fact. . .
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My cardiologist, who has been a "friend of the family" for over 40 years said to me as he was preparing my surgical clearance for my exisional biopsy (ordering blood tests and doing an EKG) and when I showed fear said to me in a very flippant manner, "Well if you have breast cancer you'll just have to deal with it." This is a guy I used to baby sit for when I was 15 and he was 8 years old. He is our family doctor for heart checkups as my father and my husband's father died of heart attacks in their 50's. So we started seeing a cardiologist (him) at a young age due to our family history. (My grandfather and my father's brother also had heart attacks in their fifties.) I was so shocked at his flippant statement I didn't answer him. Meanwhile his wife spends her entire life spending all of his money on designer clothes, etc. Idk maybe I'm too sensitive? My husband refuses to look for a new cardiologist, he says the guy we use is 'convenient'. He is thorough when he does my ekgs and echocardiograms and my husband's stress tests. I guess I just have to put up with his comments and his constant bragging about the latest material thing he just bought....anyone else have a doctor who brags about their new car, their vacation house, etc.?? Just curious.
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Ugh, yes Pinktober
I know it's all supposed to be about awareness and raising money, but people wearing pink shirts talking about saving melons or whatever seems so stupid now. I don't know why it irritates me so bad but it just does. Quit calling them tatas, melons, etc if you've never had breast cancer.
Mustlovepoodles, that gal was insensitive. I'm sure she was trying to relate but so so dumb. I had a brother in law once tell me getting tased hurts way more than having a baby (he had to get certified when he was a cop). Her saying what she said is that dumb.
I recently went to the dermatologist and the nurse went through my health history, saw my surgery info, addressed that, had me change. She then must've forgotten that quick when she came back because she goes, oh I forgot to ask, are you breastfeeding? I just looked at her and she became super embarrassed and said "oh ya."
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jenn- docs are not the most socially aware and confident people. What he said about BC is the unvarnished truth. Could he have prettied it up and said it better? Absolutely! But most docs lack that ability.
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Nursepatient, that doctor who said to you that he's a "boob guy" is a total BOOB. What a jerk. You would think that someone who went to medical school would be more sensitive....
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Lulu73, I'll be sure to tell him the same thing if his wife God forbid gets breast cancer or has to have an excisional biopsy or other serious medical problem. (Actually I doubt I would say anything, I believe in KARMA plus I would feel too bad.) Then again if I said something snarky he is so busy sht*pping other women he probably won't care. He really turned out to be a total cad. We were once at a bar-b-que at his house (he wanted to show off his new million dollar home so he threw a party) and his wife was actually walking around telling all the women at the party how her husband cheated on her, he's a total philanderer.....I guess I have to take it where it's coming from, a good doctor who happens to be a narcissistic jerk and thinks that he's God's gift to women. And he could not be more confident, he thinks he's God's gift to the medical community. Unfortunately his wife has emotional issues, I don't want to go into detail here about her diagnosis.
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docs are human too with all the faults humans have. The only difference between us and them is the schooling and degree. And some of them let that go to their head and forget that they’re human along the way. Don’t put them on a pedestal.
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Lulu, you probably wouldn't be surprised to find out that he's been estranged from his parents for over 5 years, I mean his parents haven't seen their grandkids in over 5 years. (and they only live about 25 miles away). Now his parents are big troublemakers, they cannot get along with their son's wife (it's a long story) but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. (My mother is still friends with his parents though).
The whole family is strange imo. His 75 y.o. father is also a big braggart, he has also been a bragger, that's where the son got it from, dear old dad. Anyway we no longer hang out with them socially, they only hang out with people who they can use for some favors. My mom is friends with the parents for nearly 50 years but there is constant drama with these people, so much so that they could have a reality show.
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I think some doctors are just charm school dropouts. No excuse just fact.
My BS is one of those guys. He’s very efficient and one of the best in town but he clearly lacks sensitivity which is odd considering the vast majority of his patients are women.
I had a lumpectomy. When the Path report came back it showed a micromet in my SN. He was surprised. He said they had to dissect and re-dissect to find it. I was stunned. Then he said it would get me chemo. I said I didn’t want to do that and he said “no one is going to hold a gun to your head.” Gee thanks for the compassion.
As it turned out my MO ordered the Oncotype test and my score came back low so I dodged chemo. Fact is it wasn’t his call anyway. He tried to be funny sometimes to calm me down but somehow it never struck me as that funny.
At least his staff is awesome.
Diane
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ksusan, I am so sick and tired of judgmental people. When I told my sister in law 20 years ago that my sister had been diagnosed with Leiomyosarcoma at the age of 37 she replied, "well I get a pap smear every year." She was too ignorant to know that a pap smear wouldn't usually pick up a uterine leiomyosarcoma growing in the uterus and that it is an extremely rare cancer esp. in a woman in her 30's who wasn't even on a drug like tamoxifin and had never had any kind of cancer diagnosis. It just appeared out of the blue, no one knows why. (I've asked every doctor since it happened whether there is a hereditary component, they don't know the answer). All kinds of cancer happens to people everyday. These people who make these comments think, "that will never happen to me because of .... (whatever reason they rationalize to themselves)."
And getting a tattoo did not cause cancer nor was it retribution from God. Unbelievable!
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Cancer has brought so many gifts. I've discovered what good people my friends, newish husband and children really are through this. My baby sister who has always been a little cold has never expressed her love more. I realize how valued I am at my work. So it's a little weird to bitch but my pet peeve is being told one more time that a positive attitude will make all the difference. The funny thing is I think a positive attitude does make all the difference but unless you have cancer yourself please don't tell me what kind of attitude I should have.
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Hi jenndenino5… I had the same experience with my BS .While he was discussing my report he said the same thing .You have cancer and you learn to live with it .I felt so bad .He said the truth but at the same time it made me feel ashamed of my condition. I did not like it .The lady GP I see was the worst .When I met her after my diagnosis This is what she says- I hope you do understand what a big diagnosis cancer is . And then she started her blah blah .....how I should be prepared for chemo and radiation .While doing this she was staring at my breast as if some twin towers will be demolished .She thought she was counselling me but she made me so miserable that I held my tears but I broke down inside my car .The only reason I am not changing to a new GP is because she is the one who told me to get a mammogram .So I am grateful to her in this aspect and have to overlook her silliness .
As Lula pointed out some people just dont have the tact and skill to express themselves so we need to forgive them and move on .
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Nursepatient35:
I would have asked your brother in law at what point in his life as a man has he given birth to a baby?
My OB/GYN is a great guy and has been in practice for decades but still has no idea how menstrual cramps actually feel.
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"anyone else have a doctor who brags about their new car, their vacation house, etc.?? Just curious."
Yes, and I always respond, "You're welcome". Works every time!!
Vickki
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Sometimes awesome staff and technical genius is worth putting up with the horrible bedside manner.
Rachel--the "be positive" line just about drives me crazy! I did not give myself cancer by having a negative attitude.And don't tell me how to feel unless YOU have bc, too!And even then, it better be pretty darn like mine and your life pretty darn like mine was at that time! And quit expecting me to be a militant "Get your mammogram it will save your life" bandwagon rider, either!
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Vslush- love it!!
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Just a brief background--my BC was found only because I insisted on a second opinion. I'm glad I did, but it went from "lumpectomy and radiation, and you'll be finished before summer" to "lumpectomy, port, chemo, Herceptin, and radiation"--from about 4 months of "stuff" to over a year after all the genomic testing. I think one can be grateful for good care and still mightily frustrated and angry, too, especially since I have to work FT and drive an hour each way for all visits/treatments. (We live in an isolated area with one treatment center within a 60 mile radius).
OK, so chemo is over, and I'm down to radiation and 6 more months of Herceptin. I went today for the mapping and making of my mold at the radiation center. They saw I had a tattoo on my back (I chose the location so I could hide it during work hours) and remarked how pretty it was.
When they told me they will be tattooing my breast tissue with a lancet and ink, I was quite unhappy--they didn't offer a choice. One of the most unpleasant things I've gone through thus far was the radioactive tracer injections before the sentinel node part of surgery--it was way worse than the needle biopsy, so I am skittish about "needles" and "breast." I was really miserable, and they told me, "You can maybe have a pretty tattoo done on your breast, too, using your dots!"
Well....yay me.
Dee
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Rachelcarter35 - yes, yes, that's what maddens me and I'm totally numb when people say stg about positive attitude! I feel like I may break down any moment from the images in my head (SEs of chemo, reccurence, DH with kids at my funeral, DH trying to explain "lady things" alone to our daughter in about 8 years...) and people brag about like "you have to think positive, it's all the difference". Actually, I believe it's about them - they don't want to hear about anything worse than a rtg done. they want to hear positive things. like - - Yes, I'm fine, the chemo is just boring appointments, otherwise it's nothing, the op went wonderfully and everything is as before, I'm just tired (that's an acceptable negative SE in conversation), then I will just take wonderfull pills and all will be rosy and great.
actually, I think I might need some ammunition - - - what do you, ladies, say to people who just preach about positive attitude?
of course I realize I need positive attitude... but hell I'm soooo tired already from acting normal when I feel my life has come to s**t. of course I behave the whole waking day of my kids like I'm the normal mother who just needs to sit down some more... And then somebody starts me on positive attitude when in reality they want to wave their hands and scream "I don't want to hear anything!“
oh crap, I'm still pretty new to this cancer world. I guess I will need some more adjusting
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JaBoo - you might enjoy this blog about "what does telling a cancer patient to 'just stay positive' really mean" http://nancyspoint.com/what-does-telling-a-cancer-...
Fwiw, if people get in my grill about being positive, I tend to say "why? Studies show it doesn't make any difference". You can also say "I need you to STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO FEEL" if you're feeling extra punchy
I like that blog post image header: "Be real. Be you. It's enough."0 -
astyanax- thankfully the tats for rads are just a very small dot...at least they were 30 years ago. One at the top of the field and one at the bottom centered to the field of rads. I lost my bottom one with DIEP.🤭
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I am going to have a root canal done by a specialist tomorrow and the consultation appointment the dental assistant asked me if my breast cancer was in remission. I guess she was wondering if I had cancer present or undergoing treatment, I said I think so. It sure is an unsettling feeling that we don't have anyway of knowing for sure.
What she said wasn't dumb at all , it just all still seems to be unreal. The whole cancer diagnosis seems unreal.
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Astyanax66--the fact that they did not give you a choice is wrong. You have the right to refuse any part of treatment. The standard of care in most places now is moving toward not tattooing but using a permanent marker and touching up the marks periodically. If I were you I would file a complaint about being forced to have a painful and traumatic procedure done without consent. No choice = no consent. And insist they pay for the laser removal of the marks after rads is done.
JaBoo--YOU do not need more adjusting. YOU are the person living with cancer and cancer treatment. Try asking them when they had breast cancer, what stage, what grade, what specific treatment they had. When they say they don't have bc, say "Oh, you were telling me what to do like you had been through it all before. I thought you had real experience with bc." or "Would you come with me on my next appointment? My Oncologist could use your experience and expertise, he/she isn't telling me I can cure myself by being positive." or "Is being positive all you needed to get through (insert medical condition the person has or had)? How well did it work? Did it keep you from needing to go to a doctor or get any other treatment?" or "What research is that based on?" or (my fav) "I am positive. I am positive any feelings I have are real and I am positive my feelings are normal." I HATED being told that I wasn't even having cancer the right way because I wasn't feeling the right feelings!!!
Moth--great article!
Meow--at least the dental assistant didn't ask if the bc was cured. Some education is getting out there. It is very unsettling to not be able to know for sure.
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I had lunch with my mother-in-law and my sister-in-laws (her daughters). My MIL tells them that my hair is curly because I had surgery. (I had chemo). Then one of my SILs tells me how a few relatives were born with curly hair and then their hair became straight. I just said "Oh". (What else could I say?)
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JaBoo, my answer has been - I am a pretty positive person to begin with so why the hell did I get cancer anyway? I will usually keep talking so it doesn’t, turn into awkward silence, usually about the side effects.
OMG, the sentinel node mapping shots hurt like holy hell! I cried, the female radiologist giving me the shots cried with me. Once the tears started to flow I could not stop them. I do not understand why they cannot numb it
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BellasMomToo--nothing else you could say, really. Who cares why someone's hair is curly or straight? These days a person can go to a salon and get any color, length, straight, curly, or anything else for their hair, it's all a matter of choice and money!
Cocopeach--I'm with you on the sentinel node mapping. There is no reason not to numb the area or wait and do that after someone is put to sleep.
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