The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
-
AStorm - You know the manager probably knew about your coworker's mother and meant to say something like pimple or boil, but something in his peabrain over-rode it and he said JUST THE WRONG THING. I think that happens alot of time, in people's heads they are thinking DON'T SAY This, Don't say THAT and yet what they are trying to avoid is exactly what spews from their mouths.
Julie E
0 -
Julie, ... which is why we should say less, listen more, send flowers.
0 -
Agreed!
0 -
I love that - say less, listen more, send flowers!
0 -
flyingduchess -
I have had a horrible day and your story made me laugh. I am sorry that you had to experience the embarrassment but, so glad you felt like you could tell us!!
Olivia
0 -
Flyingdutchess - that is HORRIBLE!!! What a moron! I would have crawled under a bench or ran out the door! You poor thing. That employee should have been reported.
0 -
O.K. I have to vent a little as I'm still upset about something that happened over the weekend. Had company on Sat. - a friend I've had for 30 years & her husband who has been friends with my husband since they were 10. Of course we were drinking & I said something about cancer & my husband responded with "Oh here we go, are you really going to play the "c" card? To which my girlfriend responded, "Yeah, doesn't it get old?" (Her husband has been suffering with some medical issues for the past 10 yrs. or so.) I responded that I don't think I complain too much about it. She said neither does her husband, but it gets old. I was so pissed off at both my husband & her. This was the friend who was with me when I found out I didn't have to do chemo. I guess maybe she thinks you have cancer & you get over it like a cold. Not to mention my husband! Maybe it's like when my mother died and he didn't quite get it until his father died. I just feel very hurt.
Sue
0 -
Sydney, that is horrible. It is good we have this place to vent, where unfortunately we all get it. I finally had to tell a friend that has basically ignored all I've gone thru in the past 6 months and continually talks and emails about her own problems to leave me alone, well a little nicer than that, but not much, she doesn't get it!, geez, off the bus!
0 -
Olivia and Colorado,
I worked for Google and had the same kind of expectation that I resume long hours after returning from dose dense chemo and double mx and DIEP. That's on top of a 3 - 4 hour commute into the city. I didn't even have the strength to relate my side of the story to them. I just hired a lawyer to do my talking. Clearly they were trying to get rid of me. Well, I'm unemployed now but I did get a few months of severance. And I'll always have the knowledge that even the best of the best of America's companies don't really give a darn! So, my advice to you is to get knowledgable about state and federal labor laws, and consult an attorney if you don't want to expend any more time and energy worrying. You need to know what your options are! Good luck!!!
Sue
0 -
Sue -- I am so there with my family! My husband acts like I had a virus. Sometimes I think it would have been different if I had chemo so they could see me suffer physically. After watching the finals the other night, my husband told me about Mickelson's touching tribute to his wife (who has bc) and then in the same breath commented that we need to start playing golf again. I replied that I can't imagine doing that right now. That is all I said. Inside my head I'm thinking 'how is that athlete's wife's bc more real to him than mine?' I had a BMX and nipple surgery was less than 3 weeks ago. I don't think my pecs are ever going to feel normal. He said he read that I'm supposed to get exercise AND that I'm over the cancer now and should stop using it as an excuse. I haven't slept well in weeks because I have nightmares about looking like a monster and I wake up and worry because I kind of do right now. I'm dealing with this day to day but it ain't over for me!
Then this morning my teen daughters had a knock-down drag-out fight over something stupid. When I reminded them that I need less stress in my life and suggested they find a more civilized way of dealing with conflicts, my 18 year old accused me of playing the card. I calmly explained I wasn't complaining or being a victim, I was trying to get their cooperation so that I don't have to be a victim of recurrence. She said I shouldn't tell her that because she would blame herself if I got sick and THAT is unfair. I wonder if there is a Poor-Me-Spoiled-Rotten-Self-Centered-Daughter card.
I think my family doesn't understand what I am going through because they don't see any physical signs (no one, not even DH has seen my chest) and I DON'T COMPLAIN. I always tell everyone how lucky I am. But I think that when people are really self-centered (e.g., most MEN and teenage daughters) they resent having to think about someone else or put that person's needs first before their petty issues. The therapist says maybe they are really worried and are avoiding reality. They don't want to be reminded. I paid her to tell me this.
Ok, that's my rant for the day. Now I can go study!
0 -
My sister came with me to the UK when i was coming to start my treatment. Upon getting back, one of her colleagues asked her this about me "Is there any hope for her?" What response can someone give to that?
I was livid when she told me...how insensitive can people get?
0 -
Sydney6 - I think that is one friend you do not need to invite back to dinner and I hope your husband figures out what he said was pretty awful and maybe he shouldn't drink anymore so that kind of stuff doesn't fall out of his mouth. Otherwise, you may have to consider yourself.................
"married to tony"....LOL!!!
0 -
AStorm,
Show your husband your chest. Take your DH to your next visit to your surgeon and have your surgeon 'splain it to him. Make your husband go with you to the oncologist and have the oncologist 'splain it to him. As for your daughters, they maybe need to see your scars too.
Why are you protecting them from reality? Of course they cannot understand if you are always the brave protector. Stop it! You need to be cared for and to get the care you need you have to let yourself be vulnerable.
I was always the caregiver and strong one for my husband. It was very difficult for me to show my vulnerability and tell him what I needed him to do to be my caregiver. Finally I did just that and I let my husband into what it meant to me to have cancer.
I wish you well and send you much loves and hugs. {{{{AStorm}}}}
0 -
AStorm - Teenagers can be so rotton! I have an 18 & a 19 yr old. On Saturday I offered to take my 18 yr. old daughter shopping for a prom dress. She said she was going with her girlfriend the next day. They slept at my house that night & the next morning I offered the friend a cup of coffee. She told me her mother was picking the two of them up to go prom dress shopping and was bringing them coffee. This was the morning after my friend & husband were so insensitive. I was so upset all day Sunday & told her when she got home how hurt I was. I don't think she cared one bit.
Last year 3 days before my surgery I came down with shingles. I was in so much pain & could barely function. My son started giving me crap about his college applications. (Maybe that's why you don't put off doing them until the deadline!) I finally did say, "Are you kidding me!" (OK there might have been a swear word... or two in there.) They just don't get it.
Chainsawz - I don't think I'll be calling her for quite awhile. Still haven't really discussed it with my husband, but it WILL come up.
Thanks for all your support ladies. Don't know what I'd do without you.
Sue
0 -
Notself -- thanks for the hugs... and the boot in the butt. You're right. I've been thinking about exposing myself since I wrote that comment this morning. I guess I just worry because right now they have an excuse, sort of, but if they really understood what I'm dealing with and were still insensitive it would be even worse. When I was at the hospital after the bmx, the nurse told my husband he should watch when she emptied the drains and he made a terrible face so I told the nurse I would be taking care of myself. And that is what I have done. And this was after my daughter drove me to the hospital for the bmx because he didn't want to miss work. I drove myself to my MRI, the onco, and the PS, even to surgery (he came to pick me up). He did take me in for surgery a couple of weeks ago because the hospital required someone be there and I insisted that it be him. He did go to one doctor appointment just after I was dx'd when the gen surgeon was trying to convince us that everything would be just fine... just a bump in the road. I think he got the message he wanted to hear and doesn't want to know. But obviously I resent this and I'm tired of traveling this road by myself. Thank goodness for my bc sisters!
0 -
AStorm,
BIG HUGS!!!!
Olivia
0 -
AStorm/Gail....YES, show your husband your chest right away....your daughters, too!! They need to see what you are enduring and you need to let them know when you are uncomfortable and they need to see you struggling to do your exercises, etc.
My husband saw my chest the first time I saw it....in the bathroom of my hospital room...in the mirror. I cried and cried and cried. And he held me in his arms, with tears in his arms. When we got home, I showed my 17 y.o.daughter....my boys (ages 18 and 12 didn't want to see)...my husband helped me do the drains - actually he did them all for two days, until I began to do them, then my two younger kids wanted to help out!!!
But they see me stretching, massaging my chest or armpits, or whatever. I try not to complain, but I don't try to be a martyr either.
Somehow your kids have to learn empathy and sympathy and this is a great way start!!
blessings...robin
0 -
Ok, maybe the ALLTIME DUMBEST thing was what I said myself: "I'll be taking care of myself."
0 -
ha, Gail.....this is the time to let others take care of YOU!!!!
It was hard for me to surrender to that, actually.....but I did
and you know what? It's been good for all of us......I guess I like to be in control, and it was hard to give up that control, but by doing so, it gave everyone a chance to give me a little TLC, and gave them a chance to feel as if they were doing something......0 -
{{{{{AStorm}}}}}
0 -
Gail/Sue - that sucks! I can't imagine people being so insensitive!!!
My boss has been really great about my BC thing. However, I think he and others have felt that I'm ok - back to normal - because I act like I'm normal. Anyway, I could feel the sudden realization in my manager's voice when I told him I'm now getting a hysterectomy/ooph. It was like - OMG! she really has something wrong with her.
0 -
Astorm, I agree, show your husband and each daughter individually your breast. I'm guilty of protecting everyone else too, I hold it in. My DH who has been a huge support was in denial at one point and acting like ok, you're done all is fine now. Well, I suggested to him the old line of how would he feel having his balls cut open, hollowed out, filled with a plastic ball and stitched back together (in a very loving way;) He said, okay, I get it. It was difficult for me to say that to him, but it worked and now I am able to be more open, and that makes a huge difference for him and me. Get it out before your relationship suffers too much more.
Hugs to each and every one of you that have been hurt by a friend, family member or a stranger.
0 -
Ok, ok. I showed DH my chest last night and it wasn't a big deal. I was afraid he would say something stupid so I told him not to say anything, just look. He did tell me that he didn't marry boobs and he still thinks everything is going to be fine. So I explained to him that vanity may be my focus right now, but it is not my only concern. My SIL passed away a couple of years ago from ovarian cancer. My FIL finished his chemo (lymphoma) the same week I was diagnosed. I didn't even to tell his family until I got the scarey path report from the lumpectomy and we knew it wasn't going to be that simple. I don't like to be pitied. But I worry about recurrence and the tamoxifen too, and mostly I worry about my daughters who have cancer on both sides of the family (I'm neg for the BRCA change), but I don't want to scare them. Talking about it actually helped, which surprised me, though I don't know if his attitude will change.
0 -
AStorm everything you have said has hit so close to home for me. Bless your heart. Everyone seems to think...the cancer is gone, chemo and rads is over...what's the big deal? Don't you just wish it was that easy? It has been 18 months since I finished chemo, 8 months since I finished Herceptin and I am struggling everyday to get out of bed and get my son off to school. I am so exhausted and so want to feel well again and NOONE gets it. My husband does try I think, but I guess I have just wore him out. He doesn't seem to have the compassion for me he once had. He is always nice, but I get the feeling he thinks I am milking this thing. I have never been a lazy person and don't want to be now. I want to go out and play with my precious 10 yr old son and go on trips and have fun again.
I am scared all the time, not only about recurrence, but that I will never be me again. I can live with not having my breasts, but I can't stand this feeling I have of total exhaustion and not really having anyone to talk to. Thank God for you ladies. My friends were so good during my active treatments, but now I barely see them. I feel like they are scared to get too close because it may come back and they don't want to get too close. Maybe it is all in my mind. It just seems like I am so alone with this now. When someone does say something to me it is always "lucky you...you will always have perky boobs" ARGHHHHH I want to scream!!!!!!! Thanks for letting me rant!
Susan
0 -
Susan -- yeah, I don't want to hear the perky boob comment ever again. I am mourning my loss and I think that is normal. Maybe husbands just don't want to accept any uncertaintly and they want everything to be the way it was. I don't think anyone who hasn't been where we have come from can really understand. So, very glad to have this forum.
HUGS to {{{SUSAN}}}
0 -
I am new here and haven't posted alot. I have commented on some posts hoping my experience would be helpful. My husband was a real jerk. I was diagnosed 8/25/08, on his birthday. That didn't set too well with him. I ruined his day. He didn't say it but I have been married to him long enough to know "it is all about him". Anyway, as I began my chemo, he never went with me. He did have to work so my sister came to help me. I would get really sick from chemo and he would say, "take another pain pill, you'll be okay" and then laugh. He would tell me to exercise when I couldn't get off the couch. I asked him to put a handle on the tub so I could get out and he said no. He didn't want any holes in the fiberglass. One time he did go with me for my first infusion of taxol. I told him it would take a long time and to go do something, no he decided to stay. It was a very long day, due to my having a doctor's appt right afterward. As we waited for the doctor to come in, he complained about how tired he was, how hungry he was, why was the doctor so late getting to the room, on and on. Needless to say, the fight began. I have and will never forgive him for the way he treated me all through the chemo, bilateral mx, and radiation. He is one also that thinks that all is well and I am no longer sick and should get over it and go on. I find that really difficult since I have triple neg BC. I am doing well, much better than I was, but as all of us, we still have this haunting in the back of our minds of the beast coming back. I was also very healthy, and they made me sick with the chemo. I was VERY angry about BC and still am. I couldn't go to support meetings. I went to one and I told a lady that I just couldn't relate. I did not like the BC Octoberfest. I thought I was strange but I am so happy to know I am not the only one that feels/felt this way. All the hoopla of happy because you are a survivor kind of bothered me because people would say, "well, breast cancer is the best cancer to have due to cure rate". I am with you all.....what are you thinking? I am fine? No problems? I just get very nervous and upset when I am going for the 3 month checkups. I get upset when I have a pain somewhere, I don't sleep well, I can't sleep on either side very well because of the port on right side and lymphdema on the left. I haven't sleep in my bed for two years. I slept in a recliner forever it seemed. Now I will go to a PS and see about reconstruction. That really makes me nervous but I am not happy with having to buy special clothes, prosthetics that are heavy and hot, just down right uncomfortable! Goodness, I have vented enough! I will stay tuned and hope everyone does well. I have some stories too. Some are funny but mostly they are similar to the stories you all have shared here. Take care, my Sisters
love and Hugs to all of you precious ladies!
Sharon from Memphis
0 -
{{{{{Sharon}}}}}}
0 -
(((((((Sharon))))) you have definatly made me cry. I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. I feel guilty for even complaining about my husband. Like I said he has always been there and been kind, just not as compationate as I need him to be. What you have described from your husband is just mean and self-centered. Is he still your husband? I don't think anyone could blame you if you said no. Please know that I and I am sure lots of other ladies here are here to listen whenever you need to rant. I wish I could give you a real hug, but the cyber one will have to do. Your feelings are not strange. Lots of us feel the same way. I am with you about the support groups. I tried one and it was not a good enviroment for me. I am sure they help a lot of women, but I got the same feeling from these women that I get from so many. It's over...move on. It's really hard when you even get it from other survivors.I guess we all have different experiences and if you got through it all easy you can't understand those of us that had such a hard time.
Anyway I wish for you many blessings and good days in the future. I would be glad to talk if you would like to pm me.Hang in there.
Susan
0 -
Sharon: I am so sorry for all you have had to go though! Sometimes family is the least considerate because they expect you to do everything, even if you can't.
notself: I was offended by your suggestion.
I have ain individual insureance policy and didn't get insurance through work since it was less expensive. With a disabled husband, we need my salary to keep a roof on our heads. It is hard some days though since sleep at night is a struggle because of tamox waking me up all night long!
0 -
Gosh ladies I feel I must defend my wonderful husband. Next week we will be married 37 years. He's had several medical episodes (heart attack@ 49 years old and knee replacement in 12/08 right after my BMX). He has been with me every step of the way. He was with me when my mom was diagnosed and died of bc. He did her funeral (he's a chaplain). He went with me to every appointment and every chemo. He's the one who jumped up on a brand new knee and ran when I couldn't breathe (allergic reaction to taxotere) and passed out. He took days off to be with me after chemo when I wasn't all there. We probably didn't say 2 words to each other, but I just needed him to be there.
I'm in Vegas on a trip now. He didn't come with me and I miss him terribly. Did have a sales clerk say something stupid to me last night. She noticed my Verra Bradley purse (BC design). She commented on it and asked if I had bc. I told her yes, I'm an 18 month survivor. She then proceeded to tell me it was because of what I ate. I unloaded on her as tactfully as I could. In the south we say "bless your heart" which isn't a compliment. I blessed her heart.
Hang in there ladies, we are there for each other when others cannot be.
0
