The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Sometimes I wonder why medical people ask about your bc experience if it has no impact on treatment for your current issue. They could just tuck that little factoid away and then they wouldn't have to risk making an insensitive or inappropriate comment. Here's my BC awareness tip to the world: Say less, listen more, send flowers.
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"How did that go?"? Seriously??? It was frickin' great. I'd recommend it to anyone.
[forgot to add:] <sigh> <with rolling eyes>
otter
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During my second round with bc, my radiation onc. started me on a anti-depressant. We worked together at the time and she said she knew me well enough to know I was having a hard time and that I was basically dealing with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I came home and told my DH what the RT onc. had said to me and that she had started the new med. He looked at me and said (and I quote) " So, you're depressed.... that's what is wrong with you." Well, I was DEpressed and now we are "DEvorced" and have been for almost 5 years. I went on to have round #3 with BC during our separation period just before the divorce was final. So, that year I lost three boobs- the two I was born with and the one really big one I was married to. Just celebrated my third wedding anniversary with my new wonderful DH who is a true blessing to me.
I think having BC #2 probably gave me the courage to finally leave a toxic relationship (we had been married almost 27 years). You can't fix mean and stupid and after a while it gets really hard to love 'em either. Oh, I forgot to mention I went off the antidepressants one month after I moved out and got a place of my own.
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Joke I heard Garrison Keillor tell. God made woman with three breasts. Then removed one. Woman stood before God, holding the breast in her hands and asked, "what do we do with the extra boob?" And God made man.
Hope that brings a chuckle, Rita. I can't imagine what it would be like if I were going through this with my first husband. I'd be taking care of him, I guess. The second time around (marriage) can be mighty sweet.
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Way to go, Rita! I also found that there is life after DEpression and DEvorce. We've been together 21 years. I didn't marry the depressing one though. My father died on Good Friday so I always think about that weekend this time of year and how it ended my engagement with the depressing one. My mom called our house on Thursday evening to tell me my father had been admitted to the hospital and they didn't expect him to make it through the weekend. Unfortunately she spoke to my fiance who didn't tell me because we were going on a rafting trip and he didn't want to ruin the trip. When I spoke to my mother on Sunday and Dad had just passed, I was furious of course. Fiance had the nerve to say that my father had been dying for a long time... and made another comment about how he was better off since he had been sick for a long time. Why ruin the weekend?
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retrievermom - give that dog a great big hug for me. I am a 2 cat person but regularly run/walk with my BF's chcoclate lab and I love her to death.
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AStorm,
I can't close my mouth which has opened in horror at the insanity of your former boyfriend.
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I really cant stand when people tell me, look at the bright side, you will have 20 year old perky boobs (as if there is really a bright side to having BC), I would much rather prefer my 40 year old saggy boobs then to have endured an MX. When I told my mother-in-law I had breast cancer she said "my grandmother died of BC", thats a topper for saying something stupid!!!
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AStorm-
have you ever looked at that weekend as a gift from your dad? Perhaps if it hadn't played out as it did, you wouldn't have had the opportunity to see what a self-centered a**hole your fiance was before you got married?
totally amazing
- was his name Tony by any chance?
Julie E
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bobcat: You can't hug this puppy. She is literally non-stop on the go. For cuddles, I call my Golden boy up onto the bed with me. My dogs have helped through many medical issues/procedures over the years, and I know cats can do the same. Heck, I knew a pet therapy group that included a turtle!
What do you say when someone asks, "well the prognosis is good, right?" That one stopped me in my tracks.
Gail: Too bad you didn't know his character while your were out rafting. Could have thrown him into the rapids.
I was snappish with someone yesterday. I'm not steady on my feet, my shoes were wet, my dog was on leash, and this gal comes up very close with her loose dog. After I snapped, I calmed and told her I was afraid of falling on top of everything else. She told me I needed to change my mental image. I stood there with my mouth open, and she said, "I know you have a lot on your mind." Yes, my fear of falling when your stupid dog gets in my dog's face.
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Retrievermom ... I, too, am afraid of falling and I am glad I don't have to walk a dog. In this area you must have your dog on a leash - unfortunately, Utah does not have a state-wide leash law. That's irresponsible and stupid of her.
Astorm ... My mouth is hanging open too! Just how self-centered can one human be?
Mine came from my doctor ... I was in the hospital one month after my bilateral mastectomy with an infection from the tissue expanders which had become infected. I had a meltdown and he came in to talk to me. What he should have said was I am so sorry. As we discussed earlier, with your diabetes you might want to think about reconstruction. What he SAID was "if you remember, I warned you about reconstruction with your diabetes (it sounded suspiciously like I told you so) and, after all, at my age it wasn't like I was out looking for a husband!). Oh joy, so now I am breastless and old and my chance of marital bliss is null and void.
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Gail - glad you found out about "Tony" before you married him. I like Julie's take but know you are thinking of your Dad today. I lost my Dad suddenly 18 years ago and I think of him every single day - he's always with me.
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retrievermom said: "After I snapped, I calmed and told her I was afraid of falling on top of everything else. She told me I needed to change my mental image."
Suggested response: "Oh, you are sooo right! My new mental image is of YOU falling on top of everything else, including the wet dogs. Thank you! That's sooo much better!"
The End
(otter)
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Julie, I've always recognized that weekend as a gift but never made the connection with my Dad.. Come to think of it, his one little bit of advice when I was going through divorce (pre-depressing boyfriend) was that I should put that relationship in the past and find someone who put me first because that is what he and my mom had always done and they had a good life even when things came up (like her BC). He set the bar a little high and it took me a long time to find that person but thank goodness I waited - can't imagine what choice comments the loser would have for me these days! No, it wasn't Tony but I think there may be more than one of these guys bobbing around and I managed to date most of them.
rm, that is one cute puppy! I have a mini dachshund puppy (5 months). He plays hard and then crashes hard. It's probably a good thing I didn't have the revelation while on the river. I think it's still illegal to throw your idiot boyfriend under the raft!
bobcat, yes, daily. On Good Friday I think about the loss and on all the other days I try to think about the gift of having had him in my life. Maybe Julie's comment will allow me to see Good Friday as a gift too. Wow. My mom is gone now too and she had bc at my age (AND SURVIVED, thank you) so I really have been thinking about her a lot and how strong she was and some days I really need her.
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That reminds me of what someone said to me when she found out my dad had been diagnosed with lymphoma......it was an agressive form of lymphoma at that. She looked at me seriously and asked, "is he going to be all right?"
duh......I hope so!!!
My SIL, also after my dad's diagnosis, asked me "is he going to make it?"
argh.....................
thankfully, neither one of them have said anything to me about ME since my BC diagnosis.
(and for the record....my dad died after five months.....sigh.)
blessings...robin
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I agree, I might have been inclined to throw him overboard- again, you can't fix mean.
I forgot to say that my ex. called my Rad. Onc. and asked her if I had gone crazy, how he had tried so hard to help me during my bouts with BC (that is a whole other story- never raised a hand to help). The first woman he dated when we separated was dx. with BC while they were dating. They broke up needless to say. I have recently found out that he made the comment that they broke up because he got rid of one woman who had BC, why would he want another one? Real charmer, don't you think? I feel sorry for his new wife, what happens if heaven forbid she has to join our club.
God bless all of you,
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I must say I've had a lot of laughs tonight reading these! We thought our families put the "fun" in dysfunctional! Everytime we are around them, we say we don't live by them for a reason (except my mom moved in with us!).
Since my dx I have had a couple of insensitive things happen. One was my PS nurse who commented that I "chose" to do reconstruction after I winced and commented the fill was painful. Yea, I chose to get my boob chopped off. Fun, fun, fun!
Then my boss, who I imagine thought she was being nice, gave me a book that is a diary of someone who had BC....annd DIED!!! Is that supposed to cheer me up and help me? No....worry me....yes!
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And I thought my family was dysfunctional! Not that they are any prize. BC has taught me one good thing - lower your expectations, get over it, it is what it is ... as long as I was co-dependent I wasn't going to get anything more from my family than "too bad - now let me tell you about MY problems." I guess, in a way, its better this way. Those people are so inept they would probably killed me with their 'help."
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So, here's my latest "dumb" statement.
I was telling someone at work who hadn't seen me in a while about my dx. Of course she starts on "my sister had this kind of cancer, and that kind of cancer, and I watched her go through it"...on and on. THEN she closes by saying "you know Sharon you just have to remember those cancer cells are in there going munch munch munch, so like I told my sister, you have to live each day to the fullest". WTF---munch, munch, munch!!! I know she didn't mean it to come out the way it sounded, but I have to say it really messed with my head. BTW, this was just a few days ago so the sting is still fresh, can you tell?
Take care,
Sharon
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Cancer is NOT Pac Man! How dumb was that statement???
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Pupfoster1 - My heart goes out to that fool's sister.
Haha - had to edit because I wrote your name Pubfoster instead of Pupfoster - isnt Foster some kind of fancy ale??
Julie E
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Barbe - the cancer isn't Pac Man but the chemo should be. That's what goes munch munch munch on the cancer cells. Maybe we should write a children's book to explain chemo. Oh wait, my kids would understand the real discussion.
I know it is sad that we have to have a thread like this and every day I am truly amazed at the comments of our so called friends and family. I was lucky and didn't really have anyone say anything bad. Now my SIL, on the other hand, really annoyed me. We went on a family vacation last summer to celebrate getting through treatment, etc (SIL's idea). I was 7 months out of rads and still not feeling great. We all went to Myrtle Beach - my family, my brother's family and my parents. The daily activities were more than what I was used to since I had done chemo and rads for the whole year prior. At home I usually take a nap every day and vacation was no different. I needed one even more. I was also trying to limit my sun exposure and didn't care to spend the whole day on the beach. One day while I was taking my nap, SIL told my girls (13 and 10) that naps are for babies and 70 year olds. The girls were upset by that comment. She just doesn't get it and never will. So if you look at the vacation in the lowest way - SIL got a free week at the beach courtesy of me and my BC. We will never go on a family vacation again.
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Hi girls,
Thanks Barbe, you are right cancer is NOT Pac Man! And yes, Jelson there is a Foster's Lager---lol! That made me laugh, thanks. And Julie, it's funny you said that about the chemo because when I told my husband how it had unnerved me he said the same thing! That I should have told her that's what the chemo is for to munch away any cells still there. SHEESH!
Hope you are all having a good weekend!
Sharon
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Actually, while I was going through chemo I kept the mental image of Pacman to help me get through it.
Munch munch munch indeed!
Leah
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Right on Leah!
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I work for the VA and take care of veterans. While I was going thru chemo, I was in such despair about my chemo because I was so allergic to it. My supervisor said once to me "just think of it like little soldiers coursing thru your body to kill the enemy." From then on, I envisioned the green berets and army rangers doing secret ops inside me to kill the enemy.
When my sons went through alcohol/drug rehab, one thing they taught me was "no expectations, no resentments." This really has helped me with family, etc. I work real hard not to set myself up with any expectations from anyone other than my DH. He's the absolute best.
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Dear mbtlcsw01
Thank you and all those who provide such wonderful care for Veterans like my husband and brother and through ChampVA to me. My only wish for health care is that all Americans can have the care and compassion that is found throughout the VA.
Metta
notself
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Metta, thank you, your husband and your brother for all of your service to our country. I'm also a 30 year Navy wife.
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I just realized I have something more to add to this thread.
Some of you know that I am "on hold" with my treatment right now, because in order to get on the state's BC program, I need the cancellation letter from my former insurance, and it takes them five freaking weeks to process that. Anyway, when I was on the phone with them and they gave me the wonderful news, I said "how in the world can it take you five weeks to process a paper, when it is a matter of life and death?". The women at the other end says "I don't want to hear that" - with the tone of a kindergarten teacher. I can tell you that I felt my shackles raising like a porcupine, and with a poison voice I told her "you know, I definitely don't want to hear that it takes you lazy people five weeks to process a damn letter, so what do you suggest we can do? For example, I suggest that you pass me through to your supervisor, what about that?".She suddenly mollified, and started with "Ma'am, you know how the federal government works" and I said, "well, no, apparently I don't know how it works these days. In my days, we were really breaking our asses off to earn our pay and would definitely have emergency protocols in place when there was a serious situation. Guess nowadays the federal government has gathered together all the lazy and insensitive people to hire."
Arrrg!
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Good for youy, DAY!!!!!! Excellent comeback!
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