The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Goldfish--I like the "new subject" suggestion. Look directly at the woman's husband, then directly at her and say it.If the situation calls for a bit more delicacy (others present who do not know your medical history, in a larger group,or very public place, where a lighter touch is appropriate) "Not a subject for mixed company." and change the subject, preferably back on to the person who asked. At some time when it is just you and your female friends you should tell them you don't like to talk about your breasts or bc in front of their husbands, or people you don't know.
Or to be totally crude and disrespectful, turn to the woman's husband and ask "What do you think, does (wife's name) need a boob job, too? It's cheap if you get breast cancer first." I could never say this but I would certainly think it loudly!
Or, when there are just the women present, "What do you like about my new boobs?" and for everything they say they like you counter with the truth. Perky = it took (number of surgeries, including biopsies, as big a number as you can make it) surgeries to get them that way.Size = still can't get used to the sudden change in size.Will never droop = I have the risk of bc popping up in my lungs or brain for the rest of my life. Cleavage = no feeling.
Showing recon photos--VERY BEST idea ever!
Philly--the repressed emotions and stress causing bc is a common belief. No where near true, and since medicine cannot say what does cause cancer with any confidence in the first place, they have no place telling us what we did to give it to ourselves.
Wanderweg, KatyK,
It is so very hard to see people disappear from our lives just when we need them the most. As time goes by I have found that the people who disappeared while I was in active treatment ultimately ended up being people I didn't need or want in my life anyway, for various reasons. A very few have come back into my life, but on different terms. Family that doesn't seem to care is the hardest.
WC3--I was told it was because numbing the area or giving sedation made the procedure longer and required extra staff. I asked for it to be done after I was put to sleep and was told that the extra time it would add too much time in the OR and too much time under anesthesia. Funny, when I had recon the surgery was 21 hours and 45 minutes, and no one ever said a word about it being too much time under anesthesia.
Chicopeach57--Yup.
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NativeMainer:
I read a while back that doctors and hospitals take women's pain less seriously. When I was a teenager a doctor did a colonoscopy on me without sedation and I was screaming in agony. I think he was on the drugs he was supposed to give me. When my mother mentioned it to him a year later he claimed to have no recollection and expressed shocked that he would do a colonoscopy without sedation.
I had a surgical procedure a few months ago where I had to have a tube inserted through my ribs in to my chest and they typically use lidocaine but it wasn't working so I asked for twighlight sedation and got some push back. I don't understand what the deal is. I don't think I was being unreasonable for not wanting to feel my chest being impaled.
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There is a lot of research showing that female pain reports are taken less seriously than male pain reports in the medical literature, and yet we are taught that pain is whatever the patient says it is, occurring whenever the patient says it is, and satisfaction with the level of pain control is a big item in quality care surveys and reports. And I know from working in hospitals that anesthesia is considered an added cost to any procedure. Added cost of drugs, supplies and equipment, and most expensively for additional staff since there must be one person (nurse, doctor, anesthetist or other trained person) whose only job is to monitor the patient and nothing else. That person cannot participate in the procedure. (Most sedation/anesthesia complications and accidents occur when there is a change in the patient's status that isn't noticed, like the oxygen level dropping or the heart rate or blood pressure changing). So now-a-days a doctor can't do a procedure with sedation with out a second licensed professional present. Most insurance companies do not pay differently for a procedure done with sedation, so a the hospital makes less money if the patient requires sedation. Also, the patient getting sedation must be monitored after the procedure longer and uses more time in the procedure room since sedation can't be started until all monitoring equipment is in place. So, sedation means longer time in care, fewer procedures per hour or day plus the cost of "extra" staff and "extra" drugs and equipment, often for the same pay as someone getting the procedure without sedation. When it comes to operating rooms and procedure rooms, time IS money. The more cases in and out of a room, the more profitable that room is. Add in the fact that when anesthesia or sedation is used for a procedure the rate of complications goes up, and complications cost the hospital. Most insurance companies do not pay any more if there is a complication except under certain circumstances. Sometimes it's all about the money.
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A few days ago someone who is worried about dementia because her mother had it told me that people with a terminal illness is nothing - something to that affect. I was so shocked they would say this to me I don’t remember the exact words. I could barely mumble “ I’m not the right person to talk to about that.” Just wow, the lack of insight! Fortunately not someone I see often
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KatyK--does that person not realize that dementia IS a terminal illness?
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NativeMainer- I am not really sure what this person thought or what exactly was going through her head. I may have pursued it more but my granddaughter was in the room and really watching. I’m just chalking it up to another stupid comment and trying to forget it! Geez! But dealing with these comments and lack of empathy is just astounding at times.
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Just shaking my head. Some of the things we hear are hard to understand!
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I posted here a while back about a friend that introduced me to strangers as 'this is Egads, she had breast cancer". Well the hits just keep on coming...
I met this same friend at the gym, before an almost 60 lb weight loss. She finally gave up the BC intro and replaced it last week when we were having coffee by loudly introducing me to ladies she knew at another table like so “this is my friend Egads, she used to be fat!"
After seeing the incredulous looks from the other table,I pretended to slam my forehead onto the table we we sitting at. If she says it again I'll reply “this is Suzy, she used to have verbal filters!"
People....driving us nuts since the beginning of time.
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oh my gosh! Haven’t heard that one before! I think we all need to have a huge sense of humor, don’t we!!!
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Snickersmom - yes we sure do! The size of Texas! Makes life so much brighter when we take things to the funny side, when we can
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I'm bald now after two AC infusions and just got, "They have pills now. Why don't you just take the pill kind that doesn't take your hair?"
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OMG, are you kidding me??? That takes the top prize! I've had "you are so lucky you just have to take a pill" but if I were you, I probably would have hauled off and slugged them. That's just horrible.
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Luckily, she got the WTF evil stare from everyone within earshot, and the subject changed. Some things are just too stupid to be acknowledged.
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Piksie I think that one is the winner for today!! Glad she got the stare
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WOW!!! Speechless.
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OMG that comment about you losing your hair - as if you would not take those 'pills' if you could instead of AC. I have just started to lose my hair for the second time and am preparing myself for comments. I hated it when anyone mentioned anything at all about my hair or lack of it - let alone stupid comments like that. Think I am a bit more ready for a belligerent reply. Thinking of making myself a big badge saying "Don't mention my hair loss!" If someone says I'm lucky as I have a great shaped head and suit it I will definitely swing for them!
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Reply “Too bad there isn't a pill for stupid, the kind that keeps your mouth shut & total ignorance from showing"
That person def gets the asshat of the day award.
Edited to add: Scwilly, make a badge saying “thanks for letting me know, i didn’t notice my hair falling out”
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Oh, God, the stupidity of some people is unbelievable. But what about the well-wishers who just keep on saying things like: Oh, you are stage two? That’s nothing. You’ll be fine, trust me. Sometimes I am ok with that, and sometimes I just want to scream: how the f... do you know something that my doctors don’t? And who the hell are you to trust you with something like that
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Egads - I like your idea!
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Egads has the best replies!0
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For sure!
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InnaB, I almost feel like those are the worst! Being stage 4, I hate hate hate when people say “oh, you’re strong, you’ll beat this!”. Or “when you start feeling better.. blah, blah, blah”. Like WTH??? Do they not hear me? Or just don’t listen? Ugh!!
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Egads--holy, moly what a way to introduce someone! She needs filters, that's for sure!
Piksie-shaking my head.People truly believe the oddest things.
Scwilly--I think the badge thing is a great idea.
Egads--GREAT comeback!
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I think people want us to feel better. They really don't understand and want to keep saying it will be ok.
As if saying it will make it so. Sigh.
I don't understand the fighting and you are strong, NO it happened can't change that. I hate the idea of fighting cancer, I can't see it I can't do anything but go on as usual. All this change your lifestyle stuff is pretty lame to me. I was living a healthy life before doctors can't point to any reason I got it. I just want my life back.
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A friend of mine has survived 4 bouts of ovarian cancer (she's 6 years recurrence-free!) Everyone was amazed at how strong and courageous she was - and she went through hell, for sure. I remember her posting a comment on Facebook addressing this and saying that she just did what her doctors told her had to be done. I'm paraphrasing here: Doctor: "You have cancer. You need surgery." Me: "OK." Doctor: "You also need chemotherapy." Me: "OK." After recurrence - Doctor: "You've had a recurrence. You need more surgery and chemo." Me: "OK." And so on and so on. That was her life for almost a decade. I still think she's one of the strongest people I've ever known, but she's pretty humble about it.
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Yes that is all we can do. Treat it and move on.
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we did not have a choice on developing cancer, but we do have choices when it comes to treatments and even the decision not to treat. For many people who haven’t had to deal with anything like this, they see the choice to treat and lose our hair, remove our breasts, deliberate exposure to radiation, etc as “fighting it” and in their mind we are “strong” and “courageous” for making these difficult choices. What they don’t realize is that we don’t see it that way. These are the choices we make to live, to see our kids/grandkids/anyone important to us graduate school, get married, have kids. To complete our bucket list, to achieve and live out ours life and dreams. I’ve fought this cancer bitch 4 times. I used to say I was a survivor but that idiot David Hogg who didn’t do anything but be in a better location than 20 or so of his classmates through sheer luck at the time of the Parkland shootings ruined the word “survivor” for me. I am no longer a survivor. I’ve suffered and sacrificed and still kept going, still standing (granted sometimes dh is holding me upright), but standing none the less. I am a fu**ing warrior, a fighter, and some days (dare i say it?) even a "champion". We ALL are!
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Are you referring to the 17 year old boy who survived the Parkland Shootings, where 17 other children died?
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Well said, Lula. Couldn't agree more!!
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I had 5 injections around the nipple with that dye, about 1 1/2 hour before surgery, they hurt like ... I can't even describe. Tumor was at 4 o'clock and about 1" from the nipple. Same explanation , local would interfere with dye traveling where it's supposed to.
I usually reply to the nincompoops who go ooh-ing and aaah-ing about my perky breasts by looking them straight in the eyes and asking "would you want to trade places with me?" I usually don't ever get another comment like that from that person .
As for the various "you should/shouldn't take this or that" , I say with a dulcet voice "do you want my oncologist's number so you can tell him what he's doing wrong?" then stand there expectantly with an exaggerated grin on my face.
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