Great saying about depression
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I guess what I was saying is that for me, the hard part was the MX, which was not as bad as I thought. Does it bother me now. Of course. But the MX was the lowest point. It has been a slow climb up since. Hang in there!! Hugs.
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Thank you mybee, I am feeling the same way as you did prior to your mx. I like the quote in your signature, but oh to be able to dance through this! It's a no-can-do right now. My surgery is Thursday morning, I went to bed angry last night and I am angry this morning, really did not expect that to crop up, part of the grieving process maybe? At the same time I can cry at the drop of a hat, like right now writing this post. Yes my hubby is busy but supportive, he has been going out of his way to do what he can for me. Right now he is getting the impression that I want to be alone, actually I do, but at the same time I need his assurance, which he has given me, but I need to hear it again! And I know I shouldn't try to be alone, I need people right now. Had a good friend of mine and her husband over for dinner last night, of course we talked about everything except what's coming up for me, but really I don't expect my MX to be dinner conversation. So I guess the people I would like to be with right now are ALL of you girls here, could you just imagine the time we would have if we could all come to the table together, forget sleep, we could talk away a week! Just popped in to say hello, and to say to the girls who talked of their losses in the past few pages of posts, I hear you and thank goodness for the support we are able to give each other here. I really hope I can give back more once I get thru this, kinda coming to the end of myself right now.
Donna
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I think as we have all said this disease is more than cells in our body. It is our sense of femininity, our intimacy our trying to understand how when all we heard about as young girls, teens and young adults through the junk in the media was how important breasts were. Now that ours are gone all these women, men and docs so casually say that it is not a big deal. They don't understand how ingrained all of this is from the time we are young girls. They don't understand how our intimacy is forever changed.
Our friends say flippant things that don't even come close to being empathetic at times. We learn very quickly as this decends on us how important it is to weed out the toxic friends. I don't care how well meaning they are. If they continue to say stuipid things they are gone.
What we do find is that we have to learn how to navigate our sense of self all over again. We have to advocate for ourselves without fear. We have to give our selves the time and space we need to come to acceptance. We have to give ourselves permission to feel the emotions that come with this horrible disease and not let anyone tell us we shouldn't have them or we should be over them if we aren't.
And we learn how to accept help and support from those that truly love us. And we put one foot in front of the other as this journey unfolds. It does get better in the sense the rawness softens. But friends as we know, it will never fade completely. We have faced a life threatening disease and that changes you. We have had parts of our body amputated. That is what it is.... and we are forever changed from that.
And with all this being said we learn we are strong, courageous and beautiful women in our own right.
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Donna ---In case the week gets away from me...just wanted to say I will be thinking of you on Thursday. I hope everything goes smoothly and that you have a speedy recovery. I understand the anger feelings before surgery I was the same way I just wanted it over. You have every right to feel what you feel. The hardest part for me during the first couple of days was getting in and out of bed. You'd be surprised how often you use your chest muscles for every little thing. My only regret was that I rushed out of the hospital. If they give you another 24hrs...take it!! I told my BS you should never ask a patient on morphine on Christmas eve if they are ready to go home. Will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way!!
Hope everyone is having a good day...its a hot one here in Baltimore.
Diane
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Donna good luck on Thursday. The thing that people don't quite get is that this takes up every moment of your day in your thoughts and preparations. It is your primary focus. The appts, the labs, the tests etc. They don't understand how this is so consuming. That is why it is good for us to be here for you. We know you need to hear over and over you will get through it and it will be ok. Not easy, not over when it is over but you will get through it. I need to hear from my husband who is my hero that he still finds me attractive. Not that I am overly vain I just feel so different as a woman in many ways. So it is ok to say you are scared, or angry, or anxious over and over again. We get it.
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Donna--will be in your pocket on Thursday sending all positive thoughts. Remember so much of what you are going thru, the anger, the loneliness, the need for comfort but being afraid to ask. . . we get it. Know you can always come here and have friends who will listen and give you a great big cyber (((HUG))))!!!
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I didn't cry until I was about to be put under. The OR team was surprised and a nurse asked me why I was crying...DUH!!! (I had just said a final good-bye to my DH in the hall. Like, what do you say to each other at a time like that?) She held my hand and the anaethetist kept his hand on my head until I went under. I have never forgotten how important that human touch was and it was 3 /12 years ago!!! I had 6 days from finding out my margins weren't clean from a lumpectomy to my double mast. I'm glad it was so fast. I was very surprised how little pain I was in afterwards as I have FM and can't tolerate pain. I went home without any extra drugs. I spent Christmas Day alone and that was the worst thing EVER!! My DH was driving a cab and I just sat and looked at the tree and wondered.....why?
Like Diane says, you'll be amazed at how much you use your chest muscles, including driving!! IF you think you're okay to drive, just try it in your driveway first. Turning to look behind me to reverse the car almost made me pass out. Not ready!!!!
But, having said that, if you're not getting recon or TE's there are no bones, muscles or organs involved, so the pain is surprisingly minimal. I had expected a morphine pump like after my hysterectomy and I had nothing!! My surgeon was impressed at my attitude and had the nerve to say "It's really just like a big paper cut." I let him get away with that as I was just grateful the whole thing was over with!
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Donna,
All those that have written before me have really said it all.
I think you are feeling anger now because of all the energy you have used up to be cheerful, positive, optimistic and looking toward a healthy future. Nothing left.
And no, talking about having a mastectomy is not exactly a main course for dinner conversation, with of without guests.
I went in having my double mastectomy as a preventative measure and happily looked forward to the surgery but really didn't breathe easily until the breast surgeon 2 days later told me all they found was a load of BC Stage 0 in my breast that hadn't had the cancer.
A suggestion: print out a few of these pages to take with you to the hospital to read and give yourself our support. If you can take your laptop, good, but maybe for ease just print out a few pages.
I can say for me thinking about having a mastectomy was worse than what you have to deal with after the surgery. It's the mental stress before and you have to relax and heal physically afterward.
As said before, getting out of bed will be work for you, and do wait to drive. Like Barbe said, try it in your drive way first and try looking behind you!
I know you are income earning farmers, whereas we just have 8 acres, of which 2 are garden and all we have are horses but you have to now consider what things in and around your place that you can let slide for a while, as it will take you time to be 100%. As we have a dog and cat in the house I am a maniac about vacuuming but no one died if it wasn't done once a week or the bathrooms cleaned once a week. My husband learned to love frozen dinners (he can't boil water without burning it). I even tolerated my husband's grocery shopping - man doesn't know a cucumber from a zucchini or stew meat from heartsmart sliced steak!
Put yourself first and you don't have to make excuses about your feelings. Frustration, anxiety, anger, resentment, denial, they all come before acceptance....
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Donna- I remember those feelings the night before surgery. Looking over at my husband asleep next to me and thinking, "How can he sleep at a time like this?". I felt very alone. (I wish I had known about BCO back then.). I think as much as he loves me, and your husband loves you, they can't truly understand this loss. We all do, though, and will be here for you in the months ahead. I hope you can know and feel that as you go into surgery Thursday. (((gentle hugs)))
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Thank you Hopeful, Diane, Claire, Barbe, Debbie, Kate, and all you wonderful ladies.
I setup this thread on my account so that your posts today were forwarded to my e-mail which I can read on my cell phone WHICH I carry with me everywhere. SO I have been reading and re-reading your posts all day as I prepare for the big travel day tomorrow. Your understanding, wisdom, and support is priceless to me. I hope to take my cell phone with me every step of the way, as far as I can, towards that Operating Room. I will keep you in the loop, though I am not able to type so well on my cell phone at the best of times.
Hopeful - I am feeling strong, courageous, and beautiful tonight! Thank you for your encouragement, and definitely I am exhausted from this thing consuming my whole being for so long.
Diane - Apparently I will be staying in hospital for one night. If another is offered YES I will take it. Your avatar makes me feel like you are cheering us all on - love it, and thank you!
Claire - Thank you for your understanding and glad to have you in my pocket. (((mega-hugs)))
Barbe - You nailed it right there, that is the part that I am dreading the most, after I leave DH... (will probably cry after that but only after I'm sure he can't see) and when I am alone with the masked people right before going under. I handled my lumpectomy really well, but this is definitely different. But I think that once surgery is over I will be quite relieved. Except hmmm how will it be when I look at my bandaged chest for the first time with DH there. Hmmmm. Then the looooooong wait for pathology report, I waited 6 weeks after my lumpectomy, that was absolute torture. This is a different hospital though, maybe they will surprise me.
Debbie - Yes I am surely tired but starting to feel some resolve if that's at all possible right now. Absolutely, DH will be doing all the chores, I will miss that, after all it is a labour of love right? But right now have to take care of me. Will take it really slow and easy. I am a vacuum-a-holic too, we have a dog and 2 cats in the house. But like you said, nothing dies for lack of a vacuum!
Kate - I know, my husband has been just spinning the past few days with work, and I'm thinking "what about me?", this is a busy time of year on the farm but somehow I thought it would be different, I know he loves me but we are all different in how we handle situations, especially men and women. Thank you for being here Kate, I know things have not been easy for you lately, and Barbe too. You are both an inspiration.
I will make bigger pockets and all you girls jump in on Thursday!
Donna
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I had to quit my part-time job the middle of March due to missing too much work without any leave left. I've been in a pretty deep depression since - surprises me how much losing my job affected me. I've never been a "white-glove" housekeeper, but I haven't been able to do anything other than look around and wonder how it came to be like this - quite a pity party. I have loved sewing since I made my 1st skirt in grade school (without a zipper since I couldn't get it in right), but I haven't sewn anything lately - not even an arm band for DH to use while using the weed whacker - haven't even recovered my foot stool cushion which is falling apart. I've made wing and engine covers and recovered the seats for DH's plane - I've recovered DH Eddie Bauer parka in denim by taking apart the outer shell parka & using them for pattern pieces - I've made parka's for my daughter and I (we lived in AK for over 30 years) - I've made down jackets.... But I can't even work up the interest to sew anything. My box of beads sits gathering dust & I so loved making bracelets. Sigh. It's gotten to be a standard joke for me to say we're having "don't give a shit" for dinner" but it's not really funny at all since it's true. All I do is take naps between my naps & hope I can pull myself out of this funk soon. Next month is going to be our 50th anniversary & my house is so filthy, I can't stand the thought of anyone coming here to help us celebrate. One good thing - my daughter colored my hair when she was here this weekend - blue - well, not just blue but COLBALT BLUE. I love it - can't leave the house with it yet, but I love it....
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Mostlymom I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. You are showing a lot of spirit with the blue hair!!! Maybe make a list for today with just one thing on it. That is easy to accomplish........... You will be successful and then tomorrow two things?
It is so difficult to pull back up when you are so low. Sounds like you are a fantastic seamstress! Maybe make some scarves for women going through chemo?
Hold on tight it will get better in time.
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Mostlymom - I have had days like you where I cannot find the energy to get up from the table while being surrounded by a house in total disarray, every room needing attention, laundries, vacuuming, kitchen stacked a foot high in dishes - and yeah, what to prepare today for meals - oh, need groceries too. Where do you start when you are so totally overwhelmed and feeling soooooooooo down you can't even get enjoyment from what you used to love! Folks have told me to just take really small baby steps like what Hopeful said. It doesn't matter what your house looks like right now, know that with baby steps in a week or so you can turn it around. I felt I couldn't even do the baby steps BUT know that once you get the first step, and that's the hardest and most painful, the next steps get easier and you start to find your energy again.
And Wow I wish I could sew like you! I need to get back at my quilting - just a beginner here.
Please keep us posted as to how you are doing, we get it!
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Stanzie and DiDel- Hope you're both feeling better now!
mybee333- I think my walls are up pretty high, too. I think from what I've read, it's pretty common for us to feel let down by our friends and family, but it hurts nonetheless. I did find it pretty enpowering, though, to finally jettison a few toxic relationships I'd been hanging onto. The funny thing is 2 of them were friends I had known the longest. I realized I was hanging onto them more because we shared history together than anything they brought to the table and the BC illuminated that.
mostlymom- I've been where you are and I know what a struggle it is to leave that place. Everything seems so overwhelming and no one really understands. They act like it's a Nike commercial and we're supposed to just "Do It"- get back to normal, move on, accept, etc. Sometimes it's not as easy as strapping on a new pair of sneakers, though. I do think hopeful and Donna had some great advice about breaking it up into small goals. One day I wrote down everything I could think of that I needed to accomplish to move forward. Believe me- it was one helluva list and my first thought was, "I can't do all this!" But I picked one thing and said that is what I'm going to do this week and I did. And it felt really good to scratch it off the list. Next I picked one and said this is what I'm going to do today and I did. The more I scratched things off the lighter my shoulders felt and the more energy I seemed to have for the next thing. Is my list completed? Not even close but I've made a big dent in it!
Donna- Just thinking about you, again, today. Hoping you can find a little peace and acceptance throughout the day. Find a way to honor the "old" you and welcome the new one in some way. I know you're in a place you never imagined you'd be, facing an experience you can't even quite process yet. Tell yourself, though, you were wise in making the decison, you were strong in moving forward and you will be fierce in your battle to do everything possible to be there for those you care about.
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Just had to share this-
Our local paper did a story on a woman named Dorina who, at 40 years old, decided she needed to find what her purpose in life was. She had been really depressed and wanted to just quit living but then realized "If you have a pulse, you have a purpose" and that became her mantra. She sold her very successful business and has decided to travel across the U.S. with that quote painted across her little RV, hoping to inspire others. She said she will be put in the path of those who need her to be. I really admire her courage. You can follow her "adventures" on Facebook at "If you have a pulse, you have a purpose". Here's what she wrote in one of her postings. Not sure if it's her own words or she's quoting but I loved what she wrote-
"If you are in pain today hang on tight, let your tears fall to your heart and KNOW there IS a purpose for it- In pain we have the chance to learn, grow, heal, forgive, change, take risks, be vulnerable, increase our faith, to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and try again."
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Thanks for sharing that story Kate... I have a pulse, and a purpose! but also have a problem
Im here in the hotel with DH after a three hour drive and my period started 2 hours ago, its came early and caught me off guard, having lots of pain and can only take tylenol extra strength. I know that this period is going to get heavy tonight and tomorrow, my surgery is at 10am. Does anyone know if this will affect my surgery appmt? Oh boy, wish I could take good ol' advil right now! This would have to happen to me now... brother.0 -
Donna I had my period day if surgery too. They will give you a lovely pair of meshy pad underwear to wesr during surgery and the trauma of surgery and swelling will make it stop.mine started up again 4 days after surgery thank god...i dont think i could've taken care of things thos first couple of days. You can take demerol or other pain meds that dont contain aspirin or ibuprofen.
Hugs to you....good luck!!
Will be thinking of you!
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Whew, thanks Diane. Really just want to get the surgery overwith at this point. Will deal with the meshy pad underwear! Surgery making it stop, thats the best news, dont think I would be able to take care of things either. The tylenol has finally kicked in. Im going to take a bath then try for some sleep. I have to be at the hospital for 7:15am so probably set alarm for 5am. Thanks for thinking of me!
Donna0 -
Donna- The same thing happened to me- no worries. They're used to it happening and will do just what Diane said. Sorry, though, I know it's just one more thing to deal with. Hope all goes well tomorrow. We will keep you in our thoughts. Keep us posted when you're up to it. (((hugs)))
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Definitely will Kate, it feels so great to have all of you girls tucked in my little cell phone.
Hope Stanzy checks in soon Im worried about her. We miss you Stanzy!
Good night and will catch up in the morning.0 -
Thinking of you Donna!!! You're probably still asleep right now. Whether it's all over or you're still in surgery. BEHOLD the new view of your chest. EMBRACE it!! CELEBRATE the loss of the cancer!!! Look at is as a postive if you possibly can. I was able to right from the beginning and it has held me in good stead for the last 3 1/2 years. Because I wasn't getting recon, the look of my chest WAS my new look. I had no expectations of a better look to come, so what I saw is what I got. I think the brave ladies who go on to recon have the hardest trail to walk. The multiple surgeries and disappointments are heartbreaking.
Get GLAXO base cream at Walmart and have your DH rub it into your surgery site (not on wound obviously) every night. It will keep the skin supple and help the skin adhere. My DH got used to my new look before I did!! You will get zaps and zings as the nerves start to regenerate. That is a GOOD thing. Rubbing in the cream is a good way to "scratch" the itch too!
You will find it tough to reach down OR up, so get help. You will have internal stitches that you don't want to stretch or break.
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Donna thinking of you as you are going through your surgery today. This journey has so many twists and turns. It has low points and high points. Like Barbe said I think you are getting rid of the cancer. That is the ultimate goal of this. The recon or not to recon is really a side issue. A huge huge decision with ramifications whichever way you go but the main goal is get the cancer. And you are doing just that.
Be gentle with yourself and lower your expectations of how you need to be or what you need to do. Just be. Let the physical heal by letting others help you. Hard for us women to do! Let the emotions be what they are. Don't try to stuff them because they are normal.
We are here for you!
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What wonderful words of encouragement! What a great site!
Donna - Rest, rest, rest. Accept those feelings. Love yourself.
Am thinking of, and praying for you, sweetie.
(((((((Hugs)))))))
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Donna- Sending you (((gentle hugs))) and hoping by the time you read this your surgery is over and you are tucked into bed in your room. I know this time is exhausting, both physically and emotionally, and there can be lots of pain in both departments, too. Just know that each day gets better than the one before. I'm hoping your healing comes quickly. Just remember to be gentle with yourself. Your body has been through a lot today and you need to baby it. Let those around you take care of you and know we are part of that group.
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BTW I forgot to mention...I am cheering all my BCO ladies in my avatar!! Hopefully one day it will be a live toast!
Everyone is so supportive here makes me wish I found BCO when I was going through my mx.
Donna ...be gentle with yourself and like everyone else has said ..focus on the physical healing and feel whatever emotions you feel. personally I was happy to be wrapped the way I was as I never looked at myself until I was through most of the fills of the TE. I showered with my head up and avoided mirrors at all costs. It was just what I had to do to get through it. I hope you are in la la land right now and that the docs do the best surgery of their lives today! Rest up...the worst of it will soon be over..we are here for you and all sending lots of love your way.
Have a peaceful recovery and be safe in your travels back home.
Diane
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Finally I get to update you,my dear sisters on this thread
I was so overwhelmed by all of your messages of support. It made all the difference in how I approached things today, and it was smooth sailing all the way! I feel so much better now that this part of the journey is over. I had a fair bit of pain immediately post-op and was maxed out on morphine but now back to regular pain meds. I did not have any nodes removed but under my arm is where most of the pain is, maybe the drain. But it affects my texting here, aaaahhhh! The pain worsens when I type and my arm fatigues. So I will close for tonight... I dont think I could ever thank you enough for the lifeline you were for me today.
Love to you all for your thoughts and prayers!
Donna0 -
Forgot to mention that the nurses really dressed me up well for the party in OR.... Full leg length white compression stockings to complement my black ladies jockey underwear (with pad! ...no mesh underwear here unfortunately) and big blue poofy surgical slippers. I dont think I have to say how sexy the hospital gown was, they are all the same. the only thing missing was a pink garter belt. I swear, if i didnt laugh, i was going to cry
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Donna- I'm amazed you are up to writing to all of us but so glad you did. I've been thinking about you all day and wondering how everything went. Despite the pain, it sounds like it all went well. Just remember to keep up on any pain meds you need after getting home. Those drains are a total pain, but a necessary evil, and hopefully you'll only be "tethered" for a short time. Hope you're able to get some rest tonight though the nurses don't make it easy. Forgot to tell you to bring ear plugs! Hope tomorrow is better than today and each day better after that. (((gentle hugs)))
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Donna, You have done well. Surgery is over. Now on the road to healing.
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Donna, the scary part is over, now on to the road to recovery. Just focus on the fact that they got out that nasty cancer. Let people do things for you---now is the time to be pampered. And I like your fashion statement!! Did they put that silly hair thingy on your head? That is always the capper for the chic surgery look!
My DIEP is on Monday. I have had a headache for the last 5 days. Stress? Maybe. Just a reminder that Tylenol does NOTHING for me. Of course cutting down on caffeine is killing me. RRRGGHH. And it doesn't help that I did something to the ball of my foot and can't put weight on my foot. Great, can't walk or use my eliptical to work off the stress. My family is freaking out and I guess its nice that they are worried about me--but it does nothing to calm me. My friends are all dealing with their own issues, so been kinda alone on this one. My oldest DS has had a cold for a week, and I have been wiping down every surface in the house like a mad woman--and banned him to his room. Also spent the last two days at my parents to stay away from his germs. I do not want to postpone this surgery. Been waiting for this next step for too long. Oh and plus my DH works at Lockheed Martin and has a HUGE proposal due next week. The earliest he has gotten home at night lately has been 930, usually its around midnight. He is fried. I feel guilty about the timing of my surgery and I keep telling him that he doesn't need to be by my side for all the time. The nurses all told me to tell him that he doesn't have to be there during surgery--there is nothing he can do. Oh and did I mention that our oven died last week. Cha-ching. Then over the weekend my old piece of junk van--that is now the DS's mode of transportation--fell apart, cvjoint, brakes etc. Double CHA-CHING. And the final stab to the bank account--my oldest DS comes home with D's and C's meaning he is losing his 2 academic scholarships. My DH is beyond p'd off. NO tension there!! At this point in time, I'm almost looking forward to be being knocked out for 8 hours!!
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