INSOMNIACS place to talk in the wee hours
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yeah, got my first shower this morning with DD. Doesn't look too bad. Probably a little concave but I don't think there's anyway around that. I will be glad when the drains come out. Hopefully on Tuesday, they're not discharging much. Very little pinging and zapping going on either. So I'm good. Finally managed to go #2. That always seems to be a problem with each successive sx. But I know what to take if I start having problems. Poppy, yes you'll probably be more tired and watch out for going to the bathroom. I always find it strange that no matter what part of the body is worked on, it's always connected to our bu?%#t.,, 😜
Poppy, will DH be able to help you? It will feel like a mild sx but you need to remember to stay down for a couple weeks. That's usually my biggest problem. I'll feel good and go back to doing normal things. Not this time.
Ok, I'm hungry, need to figure out something for lunch. Where's Susan? Hellllllloooooo!
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Smaarty, our digestive tracts are linked to our sympathetic nervous systems. That's why we have that "fight or flight" response when we're in danger or utterly stressed out. When faced with danger, our ancient ancestors would usually "drop a load," so to speak so they wouldn't be burdened with a troublesome full colon while trying to run away or attack something.
Don't ask me how this relates to sx...I'm not a gastroenterology doc. Anesthesia slows the entire system down because we are essentially "put to sleep," and it takes a while for the gi tract to wake up. I'm posting this for the benefit of the new people here.
As for me, everything makes me poop (diarrhea is more like it), so I have the opposite problem. I'd love a few days off the pot, frankly speaking.
Zometa infusion slated for Monday, so I'll be back on the pot again, sigh. Imodium is my best friend these days ♡♡😉.
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I haven't checked in in a couple of weeks, I think, not even sure when. I've been struggling with an issue that I finally just had to be done with.
I've often told people, especially young women who thought they could change a guy, you have to choose your battles carefully, because you can't fight all of them at once. And in the end, you have to choose the hill you're prepared to die on. Little did I know how prophetic that would be for me.
Some of you may remember the time my DH was hospitalized with liver problems. He was adamant that he had not been drinking to excess, maybe a glass of wine now and then. I made the decision to trust him, and he seemed to understand that with his liver condition, alcohol was a no-no.
This summer I was dxed with lung mets, and in November with bone mets to my spine. By this time it had become clear that DH was drinking, secretly. After 30 years of marriage, you know. So when I sat him down to tell him about the bone mets (he wasn't at the doc with me) I told him the deal was that I would take treatment for the cancer as long as he stayed away from the booze. As soon as I found out he was drinking, I would stop treatment. This is the hill I choose to die on. If he doesn't stop drinking, it will kill him. I had little quality of life before cancer with all the things that couldn't be fixed. I can't support or take care of myself and really with the chronic fatigue, I have no motivation to.
Two nights ago, after chemo, I opened the trunk of the car and found a box of wine. I grabbed it, took it to the den, and tossed it on the couch. He played innocent; didn't know it was there, or how long it had been there. Doesn't matter. I've seen him, especially on weekends, stumbling around here.
I talked to my MO a couple of weeks ago that something like this might happen, though I didn't tell him about the alcohol, just that DH wasn't taking care of his health and I might stop. Of course he strongly urged me to reconsider, as the most important part of my treatment is always going to be my attitude. But this treatment has been brutal, to be frank. And I won't keep doing it if all it's doing is prolonging days of misery. All things considered, I think I have a great attitude. I mostly smile and joke with my caregivers, nurses, etc. I laugh a lot. But I can't keep up the charade at home, and that's where I'm stuck for now. I don't drive because I'm on strong opioids, and DH and cousin make sure one of them is always here because I fell once.
Thank you for listening to the rant. I had to get it out
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Oh Mags- I have no words here to say outside of I am so sorry that this is all so difficult. That being said, we all have to decide how much we can put up with on all fronts.
We will be here to listen always friend. Wishing you better days and peace with all decisions
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Mags, Hugs. I'm sorry it's not going well for you. You can think of yourself first and do what you think is best. Wishes for peace with your decisions.
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Mags, you have made a tremendously courageous decision and we will support you 100% of the way.
At some point, all of us st 4 gals will have to decide when enuf is enuf. Eribulin is no picnic especially when you have other health issues to deal with. I see why you made your decision...if dh is too sick because of his liver, who is going to help care for you? The stress is too great. You need to concentrate on yourself now and get your affairs in order so you can relax and enjoy however much time you have left.
This could be a very positive, freeing time for you, and you may even feel better without the toxins of chemo ransacking your body and zapping your energy further.
Keeping you in prayer...
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Mags, so sorry to hear this is happening to you. ((((HUGS)))) and prayers are sent your way.
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Mags.... Okay, I know, and understand. Just to tell you, that your life is more important than anyone elses! It doesn't matter what anyone else does...
Your Husband can do what he wants... My Dad went through these endless periods of drinking, hiding it, telling Mom that water glass was filled with water, and not Vodka, and blah-blah. She stayed with him! She loved him and depended on him, thinking he was her life.... and he was.
ONE time, she found "all" his bottles... She put them in a box, crawled under the house and hid them! He just bought more! She found them in his shed, in the flower pots, and he hid them everywhere.... He was an alcoholic all MY life! Thank God they moved to California before I got married.
Your life is God's gift! You don't need all the stress the habits of your husband give you....It's just that they won't quit.... (for more than a week)...
We are then their "enablers" ! My Mom said "I would rather have him part of the time than not at all"..... Your diagnosis is YOUR diagnosis.... He has no part of that... Your life depends on YOU to fight for it.... And not be bothered by what anyone else is doing.
You can stay, or you can leave... Mom had that choice... she chose to stay... No matter how many "other" women, how much he drank, how much it affected OUR lives, or hers, she chose to stay, even through HER mastectomy.... He was hers, period.
But to give up your life, to be a part of his problems isn't what I want for you.... If you choose to let his life control yours, it will hurt you, because you are giving up.... You have had a damn rough time of it... Some people are there to help you, and others just don't care.... So it's up to you.... to pray for guidance, and listen to other people who care and want you to stay in it, for the long haul.
Now you just listen to me.... MamaJ.... and remember that YOU are in charge of your life.... not anyone else.... Stress will eat at you faster than any cancer can spread.... Maybe your treatments CAN be changed.... but your life is OUR gift! You take care of it.... for yourself!
Be strong little Mags... If you think you just can't do it anymore, then that should not be determined by anyone else.... If you have reached the end of your rope, it shouldn't be because HE sees you there, and won't help.....
He is who he is.... And you are just like my Mom.... always covering up for him....... If he chooses to be a D**k head, and won't take care of himself, that has nothing to do with you.... He can't make you give up too! Don't let him pull you down with him.....
Come on girl! We are all here to give you strength....!
One time, I thought I just couldn't take it anymore! Everything was done.... I was just "over" it... We all reach the end of our rope sometimes... But I knelt down beside a bed, and just sobbed! I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.... I just didn't know what to do any more..... I prayed and prayed for help.... And slowly, I somehow went to this church, that I had never been to before. I just sat there and cried....! But one time, this lady "helper" talked to me, and held my hands, and prayed with me... She told me I didn't have to fight this alone....
So with the help of the church, my friends, Daughter's, and choosing a different path, I came out of it... We ALL came out of it.... And this had nothing to do with cancer.
Life is yours Mags.... just choose the right path, without having to carry someone else's burden... Okay?
Now I'm going to finish my coffee.... xoxo
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Mags.... This is what that "Church" opened their services with.... A beautiful video....
Thinking of you..
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Mags, love and hugs to you.
Chevy, When I need tough love, you'll be my go to gal.
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Sometimes, that's all that's left...........
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Thank you for your support, Owlettes. This is why you are my tribe. Go tribe Owlette
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There's something else I wanted to add to my rant above.
Some of you may remember my mentioning my friend and mentor, Retha. She had BC years ago, and every Tuesday morning I went to visit her for a couple of hours. I'd usually swing by Sam's and pick up a bunch of roses for her, and sometimes when she was going through a rough patch, we'd sit and not say a word, or she would nap, but knew I was there. I watched how her husband cared for her, made sure she had everything she needed, put his business on hold for her sake. I wondered if I could ever trust DH to do that for me. I thought at the time that if I were ever in that position, I would forego treatment and let the disease run its course. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Obviously the initial slash/poison/burn didn't rid my body of the cancer, if anything, it made me weak to resist the progression. I'd still have my hair, my teeth, my eyesight. I could still eat a sandwich without cutting it into little bites, or tear meat off of a rib bone with my teeth instead of a knife. Maybe I could drive myself to lunch with a friend.
Maybe I'd already be gone, but I wouldn't have wasted almost 3 years getting there.
Adjusting attitude again
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Mags, so sorry you are going through this. If you need to talk to someone please feel free to PM me here. I am offering you a shoulder to lean on
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Mags, I am so, so sorry. You have more than enough on your plate.
I respectfully suggest that DH is in charge of his behaviour and you are in charge of yours.
You are not responsible for his drinking.
He is not responsible for your DX.
With the greatest respect and concern for your well-being I suggest it sounds unsafe to make DH responsible for whether or not you continue to accept treatment.
Truly this horribly hard, tough decision is your decision. Certainly as your husband he has input and counsel and opinion, but in the end it is you who are dealing with the cancer and you who are dealing with treatment, the SE's, the appointments, the works.
Please get the very best information you can possibly get about your choices. You are always in a better position to make good decisions if you have good information.
It's your decision but that doesn't mean you are alone. You are taking in information and support from lots of sources to help you make good choices.
Hopefully DH will support you in whatever it is that you decide.
You know there is always love and support on here.
Love Susanna
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Not my typical thread....
Just came by to say HUGS magdalene51. Much love and respect.
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Mags sorry to hear what you are going through. This must be putting a lot of extra stress on you,wishing the best for you and your husband.
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mags I know there is nothing we can say to makes things better but I send you lots of strength and love. You are very brave and we are here for you. I hardly post here anymore cuz I am always behind but this tread was were I found support in 2012 2013 when I was not able to sleep and cope with bc. I love you all and me too I am here to be a shoulder to lean on.
I support what ever you decide.
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Mags ~ Here's a (((hug)) and and kiss for your forehead. I'm so sorry for all the chit. Feeling as bad as you feel now, you don't need to be worrying about anyone else but YOU.
Your husband has made his choice. It is a stupid and selfish choice. You are worried about being able to care of yourself if something happens to him. Girl, you are already taking care of yourself and have been for a long time! . You made the arrangements for the nurse and caregivers coming to tour home. You are in charge of your doctors and treatments.You are probably the main decision maker in the household already. Your cousin is there for you and helps you. You have great friends nearby. What does your husband do for you now that you would be missing if he were gone? Hopefully you have your own income from SSD or a pension or both. Remember, the surviving spouse is entitled to the other's benefits too. SO....If the man is foolish enough to kill himself with drink, you'll be ok. It sounds like his liver has a good head start on your cancer. You could throw in the towel and he'd still most likely pass before you. By then you would have lost any gains you've made while on your treatment plan. There is no logic in your proposed decision.
I know you are sick and tired and frustrated. You are angry too. Who would't be? Use that anger to power some positive decisions and make whatever positive changes you can - big or small.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Do what is best for you and all who love you.
Adding my shoulder to wall of support 💜
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Me too Mags. What everybody has said. He won't quit until he hits bottom and wants to. You can't bribe him or make him.
But you can take care of yourself and you are important too.😍
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Oh dear Mags, your burden is great. It hurts to see the ones you love not caring for their health. Then the hurt turns into anger because we have this fear of what would happen to them if they continue in the path of self destruction. Why would anyone in the right mind want to do such thing? Maybe that is how they cope. Maybe they don't know how to or have the tools to deal with their giant/monster themselves. From what I have read over the two years I have been on this thread, your DH sounds like he loves you very much and you are his strength. I still remember what Rosevalley wrote about this thief that we all here are fighting against. ...it robs us of our innocent, our relationships, our sense of peace, and our joy. This thief not only affects us, but our love ones too. If our spouses or partners all get together to talk about their struggles with our diagnoses, I am sure they have plenty to discuss/share. I feel for you both and I am sorry you have this heavy burden to carry, but you don't have to do it by yourself. Let Him carry it for you. Lay it at the cross. I find that mine is lighter when I don't carry it by myself. We don't have the power to successfully change another person's heart. I am not in your shoes, but I do understand why you want to stop treatment when you don't see the purpose in continuing. Please don't make decision based on your frustration. You both are hurting. I am sorry. Hugs
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Ok something to melt our hearts:
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You gals are so good..... I love all the suggestions and ideas.... and you are right.... It's all up to just one person.... yourself..... No matter how much we want things to change, it ain't gonna happen. That's why my Mom always thought "Let go and let God.." And the serenity prayer..... But I kept waiting for those prayers and thoughts to help her!
She was just stuck.... and she gave up... and she quit taking care of her health.... So we lost her first......... Then Dad sort of gave up drinking so much, because he found out SHE was his life! He missed her terribly!
He was so sorry, he told me over and over how their lives went so fast, and how he "could have been better"..... It was really after Mom died, that I started caring for my Dad... He was an alcoholic all my life.... and didn't care! But seeing him so empty.... and sad, and remorseful.... I got to really know my Dad.... I even loved him again! He depended on me, even though I was in a different State....
We talked about twice a day... Him telling me how he put his arm over her pillow.... but she wasn't there.... and I cried with him....
If only................ but I'm sure they were happy in their own way.... It's kind of sweet remembering my folks..... Take care..........
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Loverly ~ Beautiful story….
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Isn't the dog sweet? What a gift! The owner is blessed.
MamaJ, I love the Creation Calls video! I don't think I told you that the last time you shared it.
WildT, dad is improving slowly every week. Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since the incident. Anything related to the nerve is tricky. He still has hyperesthesia, but I am glad he is making progress. A light touch on his right deltoid muscle does not trigger the same degree of pain compared to when he was first injured. I hope eventually it will go away. Sleeping has been difficult and he is exhausted in the morning. I told him a few days ago to try sleeping at night without the neck brace to see how it goes. He will see the neurologist on the 10th of February. Curious to see what the doc has planned for him.
How was your night out yesterday? Hope it was not too taxing to your body. Are they still planning to remove DS's tonsils?
Simplicity, how are you? Have not seen you for ages. Kids behaving for you?
Hello Enerva! Always enjoyed seeing your crochet work. Hope life is treating you well.
Peppy, will try to jump into your pocket on the 9th.
Ms. S, yay to drain removal soon.
Now where is Susan?
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Lol
OK here is the last things I created with crochet and grandmo loves them I send for Xmas
Smarty hope you like these ones too
Lol
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Is Spookie sporting a new do in your avatar Spookiesmom?
Lover, i loved that video. So glad that dog found her calling in life. She has sooo much love to offer.
Enerva, I was just going to ask if you were still crocheting. You do wonderful work. Love the roses you did for your grandma.
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Mags- thinking of you and sending you mucho hugs. I am sorry that you are in this situation. I can't imagine how difficult everything is for you right now. It's hard loving someone with an addiction problem, add to that a serious medical condition.. all I can say is that I think you are amazing and strong for fighting on so many fronts for so long.
Whatever you decide, know that you are loved by many.
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Poppy, Even though you said the 2/9 surgery is minor, it's still taxing on your body. Especially with so many surgeries in such a short period of time! My thoughts are with you, and I will join Loverly in your pocket.
Loverly, I'm sorry the healing for your dad is slow and sleep difficult. I hope the Neurologist provides good information! I did have a little more energy for my night out Sat, and it was a nice time. I was home by 12:30, but I definitely needed extra rest yesterday! We have a follow up appointment for DS's tonsils in a few weeks. It's going to be with a different ENT, but same office. The first ENT he saw was the one I could get in to first, but in the meantime DD had surgery with another and I like the one DD saw better, so switching DS to him. I just told them that I like having the same provider for both kids. So, we'll be getting a fresh look/second opinion.
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Sending love and hugs and prayers for all those here having difficult times
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