A place to talk death and dying issues
Comments
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According to SSA:
Your unmarried children who are under 18 (up to age 19 if attending elementary or secondary school full time) can be eligible to receive Social Security benefits when you die.
And your child can get benefits at any age if they were disabled before age 22 and remain disabled.
- Besides your natural children, your stepchildren, grandchildren, step grandchildren or adopted children may receive benefits under certain circumstances."
https://www.ssa.gov/planners/survivors/onyourown4....
"A child under age 18 may be disabled, but we don't need to consider the child's disability when deciding if he or she qualifies for benefits as your dependent. The child's benefits normally stop at age 18 unless he or she is a full-time student in an elementary or high school (benefits can continue until age 19) or is disabled.
For a child with a disability to receive benefits on your record after age 18, the following rules apply:
- The disabling impairment must have started before age 22, and;
- He or she must meet the definition of disability for adults.
Adults Disabled Before Age 22
An adult disabled before age 22 may be eligible for child's benefits if a parent is deceased or starts receiving retirement or disability benefits. We consider this a "child's" benefit because it is paid on a parent's Social Security earnings record.
The "adult child"—including an adopted child, or, in some cases, a stepchild, grandchild, or step grandchild—must be unmarried, age 18 or older, and have a disability that started before age 22. "
https://www.ssa.gov/planners/disability/dqualify10...
Hope that helps. Some people believe that one's social security benefits are part of one's estate, but that is not the case.
A lump sum special death benefit may also be paid in certain circumstances:
"A surviving spouse or child may receive a special lump-sum death payment of $255 if they meet certain requirements.
Generally, the lump-sum is paid to the surviving spouse who was living in the same household with the worker when they died. If they were living apart, the surviving spouse can still receive the lump-sum if, during the month the worker died, they:
- were already receiving benefits on the worker's record; or
- became eligible for benefits upon the worker's death.
If there's no eligible surviving spouse, the lump-sum can be paid to the worker's child (or children) if, during the month the worker died, the child:
- was already receiving benefits on the worker's record; or
- became eligible for benefits upon the worker's death.
If the eligible surviving spouse or child is not currently receiving benefits, they must apply for this payment within two years of the date of death."
https://www.ssa.gov/planners/survivors/ifyou7.html
Also, decades ago college students could continue to receive a parent's death benefits while enrolled but the law changed in 1981 and that particular benefit was no longer in effect by 1985 or so.
0 - Besides your natural children, your stepchildren, grandchildren, step grandchildren or adopted children may receive benefits under certain circumstances."
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Thanks for the info Brenda. This line: "A surviving spouse or child may receive a special lump-sum death payment of $255 if they meet certain requirements" is crazy - $255 total for all the thousands I've put in working over the last 30 years? Where does the rest of my money go? I guess SS is a losing deal if you don't live long enough to collect.
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minxie,
Absolutely. I am retiring a bit early, 63 and going to begin to collect. Pretty sure I will not be here at 80 or 90 collecting, so I am taking what I can get in July
My kids are both over 18 - will get nothing and $225 won't pay for them to unlock the funeral homw
Nel
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hi lita, was the death cafe worth while to attend? I just found one that meets every month in Ann Arbor. I read that the woman that heads the meeting trains end of life dulas and advises on home funerals and green burials...I dont want to go to a sales pitch! what do you think?
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If I had the opportunity to go to a death café that was facilitated by someone who trains end of life doulas and advises on home funerals and green burials, I would go! That person sounds like someone likely to be very open minded and to have end of life experience. That's one of the kinds of people I'd want to engage in conversation. Death cafes aren't always attended by people with potentially life limiting illness or even expertise in end of life care, although quite a few are. Sometimes they're just people who want to understand more about dying/death or resolve fears about death/dying in order to learn how to live more fully their own lives. They come from all walks of life, with no health problems to very complicated health situations, with curiosity or sometimes personal issues to address. I wish there were one in my area or that I had the energy to facilitate one!
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Hello ladies. It has been awhile since I followed this thread.
I ran into a feeling I wasn't expecting and would like to hear your thoughts or any advice you have to offer.
Several years ago, DH and I purchased a cemetery plot. We plan to both be cremated and have our ashes buried in the same plot. That part surprised me by making me feel relieved that dh and ds won't have to do that chore when I am gone.
And so, I still wanted to get a cemetery headstone. Back when I got the plot, I talked to one place,but it was very pricey so I dropped the matter. There is a funeral home in another town nearby that runs a sale on their headstones a couple times a year. So I thought dh and I could get one at a bargain.
And this is what we did over the weekend. The stone will be engraved with our names and birthdates and put on our cemetery plot in a few months from now.
I am having mixed feelngs about it. I am glad to pay the cost now to get a deal and take the stress off of dh and ds later. But it seems so permanent now.I was not expecting to feel this way. We drive by the cemetery every once in awhile on our way to various places and I wonder how I will feel knowing that big thick piece of granite is sitting in there with our names on it. On the other hand, I am proud that dh and I are being this responsible now to save some heartache later.
I continue to have stable results on scans, so its not like I feel I have a foot in the grave. So I would like to know what to make of my feelings
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Perhaps just one more reminder that life is finite? Hopefully you will soon just feel comfortable driving by one more item on your bucket list.
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Dear Divine, I think that buying the plot and headstone is very admirable. I have wanted to buy a plot myself, but just haven't gotten around to it, but I don't think I would have the courage to buy a headstone yet. I can really understand your feelings about seeing your name on it. Is there some way that the monument company could store the headstone and not install it at the cemetery until one of you dies? If not, I think the only other option is not to view it once it is installed. We all know that dying is inevitable, but it's kind of creepy to see your name on a headstone while you're still alive.
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Divine, yeah, this is a tough one...I just purchased my urn (I posted a pic of it on the Life Doesn't End with a St 4 Dx thread), but I did NOT get the little engraved plate for it.
The raku brass urn is more beautiful than the pics on line, but I'm not ready to see my name on it yet. DH and I still need to purchase our niche at the mausoleum, which we will do in a couple of weeks.
I say go with your heart. You've received some good advice here from other ladies. If you don't feel comfortable yet, or even a tad "creeped out," by this, don't do it yet.
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I have family members who have done this. It always gave me an uncomfortable feeling I know we are all going there -just not ready to have the final monument. I know where I want to go, just don't have the courage yet
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Hmmm....well, this is interesting. I had thought I would get different comments. I am just following my feelings on this and seeing where it goes. One thing I know, I do not want dh or ds to have to purchase the marker. I only have one son, and even tho he is a responsible young adult, I won't put him thru that. I know dh feels the same way. i would not want dh to do this on his own.
Oh, plus, I want the bargain. I dont want someone taking advantage of ds and dh in their time of grief getting them to pick some ridiculously overpriced headstone for no good reason. And if dh and I end up living many more years, the price only goes up if we don't get it now. I appreciate that dh is open to doing this. He can still at his age act like a big baby about some things but he really comes thru on the big stuff.
So in discussing this with you all, it is really helping me sort out my feelings. I am starting to feel better about it, sorting my thoughts and reasoning out. I think right now because I have been cooped up inside all winter and have been sick with upper respitory stuff this week, I have more time to dwell...not always a good thing. When the weather breaks shortly and I feel better, I am thinking I'll get too busy to think about it.
And the cemetery is very nicely taken care of. It is not a big one. Its situated just out of town on hillside next to a church. There is a larger cemetery closer by that most people who are from town get buried. Funny, but its kind of a status thing. Yet the roads in the larger one are in deplorable condition, the grounds are not well taken care of and the headstones are not lined up well. I heard from a very reliable source that some people walked off with the moneys that were supposed to be set aside for the perpetual care of the place, and most people in town have no clue......
Hey thanks ladies........
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My dad and I purchased our family plot last summer. We actually enjoyed spending time finding just the right one. A month later we bought the marker and had it engraved. I have to tell you, it's beautiful. We even splurged and got a color picture of our family to be placed on the front. My brothers and I are all listed on the back. Our plan is to have all our ashes buried there.Growing up in my family, going to the cemetery was a common thing. We were always visiting relatives for holidays or birthdays. It comforts me to know that mine is set up and ready, and it's exactly how I want it to be. My dad drives by on nice days and sends me pictures.
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My parents recently bought their plot for their burial. It has actually made me feel peaceful -- like they've figured this out for themselves, and my siblings and I won't have to debate about "their wishes." What was actually sort-of funny, is that their plot will be pretty near the plot of our neighbors -- neighbors in life and neighbors in death. It will certainly make our visits to the local cemetery more efficient!
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Good evening all - thank you all so much for sharing your personal information.
I was on death's door 2 years ago and was not "prepared" at all for my family to be able to have an easier transition with me gone. Mets snuck up on me and I was too sick to plan anything for a long time. Since I'm feeling better right now, I'm trying to do various planniing this year that would be helpful to DH for whenever I die, which of course I'm praying won't be for a long time! (My kids are still in high school and college, so I shield them from the harsh reality as much as possible.) I'm trying to do a bit at a time so it's not so overwhelming to me. Lately, one item I've been thinking a lot about is possibly donating my body to science, although I haven't looked into it in detail yet to even make up my mind. My friend's father did this and it struck me that maybe I would want to help future doctors in that way. Has anyone looked into this? It is such a personal decision for each individual. I'm just exploring all the options right now so I can tell DH what my preference is and start planning accordingly.
Thanks - I appreciate being able to have a conversation with you ladies about this topic as DH is not so comfortable discussing death in general, let alone my death.0 -
Mrs Divine, my mom and dad bought their plot and marker probably 20 years before my dad passed away. Their marker was stored until he passed. I think you should inquire to see if they will do that for you. DH and me have purchased a mausoleum, we also purchased the marker when we purchased it. That marker will not be put on the mausoleum until one of us passes. I would get wierded out seeing my name on that. If they won't store it, then I think I would just avoid the cemetery. I'm not sure I could enjoy the moment looking at that, lol. Wishing you the best
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Southern, I have looked into donating my body, too. Do some research on the Internet to see which medical facilities in your area would take your body. The facilities here in No. California will provide cremation for free. They will pick up the body and when done with experiments and research, they will return the ashes to your family.
One caveat, they will NOT accept the body if there is any ascites (fluid in the liver). There may be other restrictions as well depending on the facility. If you decide to do it and meet their reqs, make sure you inform your family and have the phone number in an accessible spot.
Hope that helps.
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Noni and Elaine, thanks for sharing your stories. I have always found cemeteries to be pretty places. I remember going as a young child to the cemetery with my mom. It wasn't anything sad. I went once with a couple neighborhood kids and their mom, and we frolicked around, reading headstones and spying chipmunks running up trees. I imagine the moms were insightful enough to recognize the circle of life amongst their dearly departed as well as their offspring.
I know of other families that spend time together at cemeteries, often taking a day in May to plant flowers on various graves. It isn't something I ever did with ds or dh, so I don't imagine them spending an overly long time there gazing at our headstone, but I know it will be a comfort. It is a final resting place, but I am ever so grateful that I have been able to live a full life for over six years (and still going) with this disease, tacked on to all the ones before bc, and will leave lasting good memories of a life well spent.
My father in law passed away over 25 years ago. While he has a small marker indicating he served in the military on his burial plot, my MIL never got a headstone even tho numerous attempts were made for her to do so or several years after he passed. It always struck me as very selfish, because I know it would have meant so much to my husband (and probably his siblings, too.)
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Early on after the diagnosis, I wrote things I wanted to say to my son in a notebook,that he would have after I was gone. I may include some words now on how I feel abut a cemetery being a final resting place and a place to honor loved ones who've passed, and while visiting the cemetery, please reflect on the good life we had, the moments, big and small, that made our lives meaningful.
I don't visit my parents' graves much at all. They are in a cemetery about 20 minites away. I went with my sister after they passed to pick out headstones. They were divorced after 30 years of marriage but died nine months apart. So two different small headstones. I may have visited their graves more in the first years after thay passed, which has been almost 20 years ago. I am comforted to know they were properly laid to rest, but I think of them all the time, still, and don't feel a need to visit their graves.0 -
Thanks so much, Lita. I will definitely look into it. Donating my body to science may not be a possibility as I already have a low level of ascites in the pelvic area. Ascites seems to be very common with those who have peritoneal mets.0
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Hi Ladies,
I was originally diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer (both sides involved and both underarm lymphnode involvement) in March of 2016, had the kitchen sink thrown at me and was told I was in remission in December 2016. I was still on herceptin when the re occurrence to more nodes in my chest and multiple liver lesions in Feb 2017.
I felt like I had a nervous break down when I was first told the news in Feb But I am getting used to the diagnosis now. I know many people have lived years but often they are hormone sensitive where as I'm not. I have now changed treatment to Tykerb and Xeloda.
Anyway what I wanted to say is that no one knows my password on this site and I don't often post but it's been such a big part of my life this last year that if something happens to me I would like to find out where a friend can post so that I can be remembered on this site.
Also, I sometimes am at peace with dying but when I think of what it will do to my mom and gran it shatters my heart... it essence I'm sure it will kill them. My kids on the other hand will be sad but their dad and our family are amazing, I know they will be taken cared for very well. How do you cope thinking about never being able to see what they will look like s grown ups or who they will marry, I feel sad that I'll probably miss out on that.
Thank you for listening.
Nina
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Thank you for recommending this book - I'm looking for/reading books on death and dying to help me accept that my time is more limited than I thought it was before my Stage IV diagnosis last fall.
The best I've read so far is Atul Gawande's "Being Mortal". I've also read Henning Mankell's "Quicksand", Oliver Sack's "Gratitude" and Randy Pausch's "The Last Lecture". Next on my list is Five Invitations.:)
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Thank you to whomever recommended the book The Five Invitations. I've only been reading it for a few nights, but the section on "mature hope" helped so much. I hope I get tips on sharing these concepts with DH. He's really struggling right now I also wish I'd had this book before my dad died.
Again, thank you!
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Kaption, never heard of the book, but you peaked my interest, so I looked it up on Amazon. It just came out in March. There are 57 reviews on the site and every single one of them is five stars! I haven't ever seen that happen. So, I went to my local library page and placed a hold on the book, they'll call me when it comes in. Thanks for mentioning it
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it certainly came to me at the right time!
Hope it helps you too.
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Hi to all, I am glad to hear that some of you have found Frank Ostaseski's book _The Five Invitations_ to be meaningful or definitely worth a look. When I posted about it a little while back, I also included this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5S41fhGCDX0 , which will take you to a trailer for the book. You also will find more than a few other videos by Frank Ostaseski on YouTube.
"20 Years of Physician Aided Dying in Oregon: No" Surprises"--an article in Medscape--can be found here: http://www.staging.medscape.com/viewarticle/878317 It includes this interesting quote: "Dr. Blanke and his coauthors note that when they reviewed the reasons patients gave for wanting to end their life, only a quarter cited inadequate pain control. Instead, most (92%) cited a perceived loss of autonomy, followed by an inability to participate in enjoyable activities, and (78.7%) gave loss of dignity as their primary reason."
"Many Talks on End of Life Wishes End in Confusion" can be found at https://medlineplus.gov/news/fullstory_164249.html . A study cited reveals "...seven out of every 10 surrogates didn't have an accurate understanding of their loved one's wishes regarding potentially life-altering medical treatment, even though both believed they had adequately discussed the topic."
April 16th typically marks National Healthcare Decisions Day, established to encourage people to explore end of life wishes, have conversations about those wishes, and establish advance healthcare plans. This year the event will be held from April 16-22. For more info: http://www.nhdd.org/#welcome There you can learn more about The Conversation Project, http://theconversationproject.org/starter-kits/ , which includes conversation starter kits and stories related to end of life care conversations and planning. They have produced a video called "Don't Panic--It's Okay: A Letter to Loved Ones Making Difficult Choices," which can be viewed at https://www.youtube.com/watchv=78LvYE3vMOA&feature=youtu.be . It's a powerful video, one that could serve as a start to a meaningful conversation about your end of life care wishes.
All in all, nowadays there is an abundance of information designed to help us explore issues we may face at end of life; clarify our values, beliefs, goals, and choices regarding the life stage that we call "end of life"; and communicate as clearly and effectively as possible what brings our life meaning and how we wish to die.
In lovingkindness always....
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Just a thought for those who do NOT live in a state with a death with dignity (DWD) law: You can choose either VRFF or VSED. These acronyms stand for "voluntary refusal of food and fluids," and "voluntary stopping eating and drinking," respectively.
Even if you have qualms about DWD for conservative, religious reasons, using the above alternatives to accellerste a natural death are MORAL AND LEGAL IN ALL STATES. You are not TAKING ANYTHING to "kill" yourself, you are just refusing anything that will prolong your life and suffering. You still can take pain meds tho.
As my mets progress, I am confronted head on with these issues. I live in a "DWD" state, but you have to jump thru so many hoops. So, VRFF may be the best option for me when the time comes.
Blessings to you all,
Lita
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Hi, Lita,
I'm glad you mentioned VSED. Because I don't live in a state that has "DWD" laws in place, I've made VSED a part of my advance directive. If you think you might plan to utilize VSED as an option while using hospice care, it's important to discuss your intent with the hospice organization(s) you are interviewing prior to choosing as well as after admission. Many, but certainly not all, hospice organizations support a person's right to choose VSED, and you would certainly want to know that they actively support it. Believe it or not, some hospice organizations have not even given it much thought or have a VSED policy in place. I can't remember if this is the VSED link that I shared here in the past, but it provides the basics: https://www.deathwithdignity.org/options-to-hasten-death/
Also, another organization that helps people understand and explore end of life options that fit their values, ideas about quality of life, and goals is Compassion and Choices: https://www.compassionandchoices.org/ They offer quite a number of tools and services to assist people with serious illness as they work with their doctors to receive the care that best fits their needs and values. One is the Diagnosis Decoder, found at https://www.compassionandchoices.org/new-online-diagnosis-decoder-gives-patients-customizable-support-for-talking-to-doctors/ , that can be used to develop more useful questions for medical appointments and to "steer" the conversation in the direction you want to explore. And they have a Doc2Doc service, https://www.compassionandchoices.org/research/doc2doc-program/ , which offers practicing physicians free consultation with other medical professionals regarding end of life medical care, including but not limited to VSED.
Like many of you, I hope to receive the end of life care that best fits my wishes, and I don't just expect it to fall in place right at the end. As Dr. Atul Gwande has said, "Hope is not a plan!"
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Thank you so much for the info for VSED. I'm not in a DWD state and will certainly add VSED to my hospice discussion. I've had one meeting with a hospice 'vendor' already and it felt like a skeezy sales pitch. On to the next.
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Thank you, Brenda.
We need to have way more dialogues with our Dr's about this.
These are OUR LIVES, NOT THEIR'S.
Pisses me off supremely ...anyone can pontificate about not honoring just pulling the plug, so to speak, but what if it's THEM ON THE DEATH BED? Writhing in excruciating, intractable pain?
And the "redemptive suffering" argument does NOT cut it for me.
Christ died for ALL our sins...past, present, future...if we believe. He will accept us home even if we accelerate the inevitable.
Nuff said.
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I had a very initial conversation with my onc about a year ago. I brought it up after a friend, age 46, did treatment til the end. She was brought to hospice by ambulance and died within 24 hours I get her decisions were different than what mine will be, she was a single mom of an 8 year old son.
My conversation with my onc, "just laying the ground work, I iwill not be doing treatment/chemo on the way to the funeral home!" His response "You have the right doc" I have googled him and some of his research has been on end of life concerns Love him This is what we all should have
Nel
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