A place to talk death and dying issues
Comments
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Bluebird,
Gentle hugs and peace on this next step You sound content with the decisions you have made, and that is all any of us can hope in the days to come
Nel
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Bluebird : I will pray for you to have peace with your decision. We are learning from you, because we all will come to the same point one day.
Warm hugs
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Lindalou,
Thank you for letting us know about LindaE54's passing. I'm not Stage IV myself, but I was still aware of Linda and her presence on these boards. Hoping that all who knew and loved her will keep her alive in their memories. Peace to all.....
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Blessings upon you Bluebird.
Hugs to Linda54's family. It seemed she was prepared and wished not to linger so I'm sad for the end of her life but not for her death (if that makes sense).
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So very sad to hear of Linda's passing - we used to PM as I am originally from Montreal and was trying to get back to Quebec to meet up with her at Paget Bakery......
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Lindalou: thank you for telling us about LindaE54. She was kind and gentle spirit.
Sending prayers to her sister, niece, and grand nephew, and all those whose lives she touched.
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holy shit! Wtf! I got on here to reach out to Linda...just to thank her for her support and love and wisdom she has shared throughout the years. I read about Kandy first and now Linda. I just want to scream!
Rest In Peace Linda.
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Linda I am praying for you and your family.
God Bless,
Ronnie
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OMG just read the post about Linda's passing,. She was a kind person who personally touched my heart and motivated me..Praying for her family during this tough time.
Ronnie
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I just fell in love with a poem. Posting here and on the thread I started called The Spiritual Journey Into Breast Cancer. And another thread somewhat like this. That is how much I want to share it.
She Let Go
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely,
without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a
book on how to let go… She didn't search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn't promise to let go.
She didn't journal about it.
She didn't write the projected date in her day-timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn't analise whether she should let go.
She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn't call the prayer line.
She didn't utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn't good and it wasn't bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Here's to giving ourselves the gift of letting go…
There's only one Guru ~ you.
―Rev. Safire RoseWILD WOMAN SISTERHOOD
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That said, I have been clearing drawers and clutter for a long time. This week is the third time in a year that I went through drawers in the hutch and file cabinet. They hold my life plans, business goals, how to promote this or that and marketing costs, manuals, projections, etc. There are numerous notebooks that are partially used. I ripped out all the pages with words and kept my favourite ones with lovely ruby covers. I dumped every business agenda into the trash.
The only keepers were my writing of short stories, editorials and books. That is it. With the focus on what are you going to do with the rest of your life, it came down to that only. With some painting on the side should I feel up to using my arms (liver gets aggravated) and to listening to music.
For the first time in my entire life I don't have to do better, do more, be more, orchestrate a higher income.
Just getting up each day to do what I want to do.
"A light breeze blew through her....."
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Thank you for sharing, Bluebird DE. Beautiful.
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Bluebird, Your poem and personal words have touched me. Today is Linda's celebration of life and I'm in awe of you and the others on this thread as we all face what we need to, when we need to. I'm lighting a candle in her honor today.
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so many of our sisters and brothers who have crossed over. may we all walk in beauty.
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Thank you Bluebird and RIP Linda
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I was sad to hear of Linda's death just a few days after she wrote of her decision to seek hospice care. I found a measure of comfort in her words of January 7th, "I've been practising (or trying to) being at peace with whatever and just be.... Since May of this year, I'm going downhill with so much progression to liver, abdomen, lungs etc. Different chemos have failed me since all this started. My current tx is most probably the last option. I know my time is very limited. I'm so thankful to this community that gave me support these last 3+ years."
The topic and experience of suffering has weighed mightily on my mind in recent months and especially throughout the last ten days or so. Years ago I adopted the practice of choosing, as the new year began, a word or phrase that might infuse my daily living with more purpose. For example, I chose "kindness" one year, "patience" another year, "fear/less" last year. This year I chose "light" to represent ways I might bring more meaning as well as acceptance into my daily life. I've decided that one way to bring more "light" into my life is by expanding my practices of mindful living and mindfulness meditation. I found a resource to explore and decided to pass along the link, which takes you to information about a mindfulness and meditation summit from Sounds True. The summit offers free content, with the option of paying for an upgrade package. The summit runs from January 22nd through the 31st.
We've talked off and on here about potential benefits of using "medical marijuana," and I thought some of you might find this story informative: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/01/21/578986845/cancer-patients-get-little-guidance-from-doctors-on-using-medical-marijuana I've been doing a bit of research into using CBD oil to reduce pain, so I wasn't surprised by this story. I also plan to bring up the topic with my PCP this week, and I also won't be surprised if he has no substantive input. I hope those who come after us won't have to work so hard to obtain useful info on a wider range of healing options.
In lovingkindness to all, always....
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Bluebird, I forgot to mention that I love the poem, "She Let Go," too. I discovered it about a year ago and sent it to a BCO sister who was struggling with end of life concerns. She found great peace in its message, too. Thanks for sharing.
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Brenda, my palliative care dr told me the main reason drs can't really address the med mj issue w/patients is because they are licensed both federally and by state. Using med mj is still illegal on the federal level, and they could get in trouble. However, he said if I want to use it, go ahead. Whatever works. I had to find an outside retired nurse practitioner who consults on mmj to help me with dosing, strains, sativa vs. Indica, etc.
I use a 20:1 cbd tincture because I have 20+ brain tumors. It keeps seizures at bay. Edibles help with nausea and deep nerve pain, which opioids don't touch for me.
My word for the year is PEACE.
This could be my last year because I had so much progression in 2017. But I'm at peace with it no matter what. I bought my urn, my niche at the mausoleum, and my "Transition Binder" is up to date with all my accts, my advanced directive, and info re my memorial service, etc.
A huge weight lifted.
All that's left to do is start to give some more of my stuff away to charities. My DH is a pack rat, so he won't do it after I'm gone. I got rid of a lot of clothes last year. This year it will be all my paperbacks and books.
Holding you in the "light."
L
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Wonderful poem, Bluebird. I let go of many things in the past few years. It is possible for me because of my situation in life and the people around me. My son keeps reaching milestones and forges ahead. He graduated college, got a really good job, got married and bought a house, the last two since my dx. It is not essential that I wait for grandchildren, given they have any children. They might not. My husband will be fine. He'll plod along and continue to indulge in his dalliances, equally confident that my son will be fine. My sister and her DH are older than me and have a wonderful retired life. They visit here rarely and will not miss it. It is more an obligation now. The only things I will not let go of, Lita, are my books. Never. And my memories of a wonderful life, raising a wonderful son and teaching returning "housewives" (mostly single mothers) about computers when they really needed to learn that. I hope that, for at least a few, I enhanced their lives by giving them a means to support themselves and their children. And to feel empowered by that ability. I'll never forget the woman who had the worst case of computer phobia I had ever seen hugging the computer monitor in front of her. Those are the memories that let me let go.
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I have four threads to catch up reading - sailing through right now. I am so glad the poem has touch hearts like it did mine. Came to me at just the right time. This is a wetlands wildlife area near us, I will have Hubby driving me to this place and to the one near the country college town north of here. Sunset and sunrise, particularly beautiful and peaceful
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bluebird- beautiful picture.
Heard a quote I liked don’t remember where
“We’re all just walking each other home”
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Love that nkb! Also love the motto words “ peace” and “ light.” Both appropriate for me this year. I strive for peace with my weakening body. I still strive to bring light to others.
I, too, reflect on those I’ll leave behind. My son and daughter are grown and very independent. Both will be sad, but will go on. I only worry that my daughter still needs to learn to ask for help when needed. Four of 6 grandkids are grown and doing well. The two younger ones are not here locally and I’ve certainly missed have those tight relationships I had with the first four. And they are going to be amazing women some day.
I do worry about my husband. He is pretty emotionally dependent on me, but if he gets himself up and out after I’m gone, he could be ok. I do worry about him being lonely. His daughter moved a few hours away a couple of years ago, wish she was still here.
But, we have to let it go. We can only do so much.
Peace and light for all of us as we walk home.
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I am so sad and depressed with the passing of Linda and Ebru. They were wonderful ladies full of life and provided me personally inspiration. It reminds me of how fragile we are and to always live each day to the fullest...
God Bless,
Ronnie
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Kaption - you and so many speak of your grandchildren. When I was very sick a few years ago I started to worry about the close relationship I had with my granddaughter and how much it would effect her when I wa gone. I found myself pulling away. Has anyone ever had this or done this? I am not doing so now, but for a time it was a constant question, what would be best for her. Being super close to me and then I am gone. Being somewhat distanced from the day to day of my illness and weakness and close, and then I am gone. Now I talk to her about what I am going through more and what my hope will be and what I am doing to help myself get better and or feel better. She has known from a young age that my bird collection will be all hers in the end, death was always presented as a fact of life. I started to gift her bird collection pieces last year. We look at the others I have kept and she knows the stories of each collected piece.
I was told I could call hospice, should call hospice about two months ago, still have only researched and chosen some possibilities. But I am preparing the notebook with the paperwork and end of life celebration plans. Doesn't bother me.
I think our granddaughter and my hubby will need one another, that is what I think.
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Bluebird,
The memories you made with your granddaughter are so valuable. She will cherish them always.
I was unclear in my grandchildren description. The 4 who are here locally are older (17 to 27) and we have been very involved with them their whole lives. The 2 younger girls ( ages 10 and 8) are in SF and we just have not been able to see them as often as we would like. Especially since I’ve been sick. They just visited a couple of weeks ago, but it’s not like having them live here. They have family out there, so happy for that grandma.
Connections with grandmothers were important parts of my life growing up. I’m very thankful I have been able to enjoy the grandma side of it.
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This took my breath away, thank you.
"...sometimes a cardinal
or a mockingbird slams against the windshield
and your soul goes oh God and shivers
at the quick and unexpected end
to beauty, it is not news that we live in a world
where beauty is unexplainable
and suddenly ruined
and has its own routines. We are often far
from home in a dark town, and our griefs
are difficult to translate into a language
understood by others. "0 -
Kattysmith - thank you.
Lita - I wish we were in a legal state here but since we aren't I researched and decided on a a European company that processes and sells raw hemp oil. This has cbd and cbda both still in the oil that has been unprocessed so it is the highest one can purchase in hemp oil. I know I should / could use more than I am but it is expensive in the long run and it tastes so nasty! [edited to remove some info I don't trust, could have been a scam ad, but I did order from them and did like the oil, too bad it cannot be trusted] Again, price. I understand with the hemp oil one doesn't get the deep relaxation and mind release that mmj creates. So I have a hemp oil that is coupled with melatonin for night use. And during the day if I wanted I could add melatonin to the hemp. I will when I need it later, for pain, needing deep sleep, end of days stuff. For now, I just need to take all my stuff.
Kaption - on her dad's side, my DGG has a GM and GP, both have been very ill for years and we are wondering how they lived this long. That has always been in my mind, should more than one of us go at once. She is very close to them as she spends a lot of time there with her dad. With us, she does art days w me, we take her shopping for things like Christmas and birthday gifts for her dad so she can surprise him, brunch out, movie days here, she used to go with us to every festival and flea market. Slackers we are, not so much anymore. There has been a gradual distancing and changes over the last two years. She still remembers that I taught her the names of the flowers all around us, the birds, the bird watching we have done, she remembers a lot of experiences from when she was very very young that I thought at 12 she could not.
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Bluebird, would you please forward information on where to obtain the CBD oil that Michael J Fox ( and you) use? I live in a state that Medical MMJ is not legal and trying to find some pain relief other than opioids.
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Bluebird, I have done the pulling away thing - not with grandchildren, but with my son when he was born. I was very attached to him but found myself trying to hold back somewhat because I didn't want him to be heart broken when I am gone and tried to get my DH to be very involved so they would be well bonded. I am now trying to reconnect more.
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Just posting on Stage IV forum to say...
Wondering if posters on this thread are aware of up and coming proposed changes to BC.org site. Here's a link if you want to inform yourself.
Are You Aware of/Concerned about proposed BCO thread changes?
GP
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