A place to talk death and dying issues
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Again, thank you all
It's nice to feel a little less alone.RoseValley,
Thank you for your suggestions and heartfelt message. I actually have considered fostering kittens. You're right! Nobody can avoid smiling with a kitten underfoot! I have hesitated fostering as I have one older cat that has recently become the "Top Dog". lol I hate to take the sunlight from her as she ages. This was 2011, but she DEMANDS to be cradled! btw.... Her name is Focker
I will look into area support. I don't think I qualify for Hospice yet. I struggle, but I am still mostly caring for myself. 
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Reader123I think from the moment we are DX, we all fear death. You are not alone. I also believe our spiritual faith as well as our faith in our people are constantly evolving. The physical and emotional aspects are bound to alter our views again and again. Don't count yourself out of your faith just yet. And cut yourself slack to feel your feelings without judging yourself too harshly. I haven't been to church since I was a teen. Unless you count the time at a working Mission I snuck into the priests changing room and switched robes from locker to locker...( I loved the picture of a short man putting on a tall robe and vice versa!) Add to that I would seriously consider suicide towards the end. All that and I still refuse to believe in a God that wouldn't love and accept me for the (mostly)good life I have lived. You choose your faith and your beliefs.
I am not so much afraid of dying as I am afraid of the unknown leading up to it. Like others have said, I am more afraid of not being able to care for myself and being forgotten or neglected. With brain mets, there is no A B C guide of what to expect. It all depends on what area is affected and how fast. As someone that has had to care for myself since I was a teen, I am a worrier/planner. I have completed all my paperwork, DNR, Advanced Directives etc.... But still, I am scared to death (no pun intended) of being incapacitated and put in a state funded center and being miserable. I told my Brother that I would take myself out if that is on the horizon. He very kindly researched methods I could use. So as you can imagine, family support/care is not an option for me. So I am destined to either die suddenly(preferred) or slowly with little dignity in a care facility. Not particularly fond of either.
You have a background counseling others and you are wise enough to know you need some assistance and you have asked for it. You are already stronger than you think. I repeat, You are not alone
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Hi Tamara. I know a bit of how you feel. It was like that for me before I sold my house and moved in with mom. Mom is amazing. We bump heads a lot, but that sure beats the loneliness and fear I felt before. My bird wants attention. Got to run.
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Sometimes I'm afraid of death. I hope there is an afterlife and choose to believe that it is a good experience. Sometimes I am afraid that I will simply cease to exist. I'm not sure why that should disturb me but it does. I've never been married or had children. I have no great talent and have no art or writing to serve as a testament that I ever lived. I can only hope that I have said or done something that makes a positive difference in someone else's life. Mostly though, when I think about it, I worry about the process of dying and hope it will not be terribly painful. Most out all, let me be courageous. Let me make my mother proud of me.
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Tamara I cracked up when you wrote about your brother researching suicide methods for you. He probably believed he was really being helpful.
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Dunesleeper,I can guarantee that you have touched many lives, human and animal
You've already made me smile and feel welcome several times. But I understand your thoughts. I feel like I don't matter now, much less when I'm gone. I have had to remind myself that we all leave footprints on others lives. Some prints are deeper than others. But all the footprints matter to someone. I worked retail most of my life. When I left work I had customers that sent me notes. One said that she came to my store whenever she had a bad day because she knew I would always make her feel better. Simple, in many ways she's a passing stranger, but it touched her. That touched me. Maybe our voices in this life are soft, but they are still heard and needed. At least that's what I try to tell myself as I have no family, talents or legacy! When I'm gone it will take one Salvation Army pick up.... And POOF! I'll be but a memory... Hopefully 0 -
That's the toughest/funniest part! He did think he was helping! My fav from him was the "it will be a few months till I can come out for a visit" Then when talking about clearing out my apartment" Oh if you die, I can be there in 24 hours." Its been almost a year.... lol He overwhelms me with his "help"! Does your bird talk? I'm trying to get my cat to say Ma Ma. Then at least she'll remind someone about me! So far its just Ma.... I better get in gear!0 -
Yes, Dusty says a number of things. I think he calls me Char. My real name is Charlene and he must hear my mother say Char a lot. He says hi sweetheart, pretty bird, how are you, and various other remnants. I do hope my mother will take the time to find him a good home if something happens to me. I do worry about that.
Your brother is, um, interesting. Mine just can't handle the whole thing. I'm kind of surprised since we were never close. I know I would still be devastated if he died, but we really have not had a good relationship. I haven't heard from him in quite a while, but then I haven't called him either.
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Tamara, maybe the trains and planes will accommodate your brother's schedule in the event of your death, and that's why he will be able to get there so much more quickly. He is toooooo much.
Yes, I do hope the footprints philosophy is correct. I remember learning that a butterfly flapping its wings has an effect on the other side of the world. Now, I don't know how that works, but if it is true I can say with certainty that this butterfly has done a lot of wing flapping, for good or for bad, and so I would have made a difference. Too bad we can't all have our own "It's a Wonderful Life" experience. LOL
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Great advice from my Grandfather when I was little "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friends nose or your family. You're just stuck with me kiddo!" I was happy to be stuck with him and my Mom, while I had her. The rest ehhh... Not so much!I get your worry about your bird if anything happens to you. I have been working on lining up homes for my cats since I was told 3 to 6 months. Its important to me that I select their homes. I know they will adapt, but in a perfect world, I would find a home similar to what they have had to make it easier on them. My SIL (who hasn't spoken to me since I was in the hosp... That's another story!) was very insulted I didn't want her to take them. First, I live in CA, her MT, the trip alone would be tough on them. Then add, me single, quiet life in an apartment. Her 8dogs, 5 people on a ranch where she has already lost several pets. Color me crazy, but that's not ideal. I would trust your Mom knows you and Dusty well enough to make a good decision for you
It's had to let go of details and trust in anyone else isn't it? I had a friend that had a bird that yelled at her dog all day. We would be chatting on the phone and I would hear, "Bad dog! Bad bad bad dog!" I love the Hi sweetheart!!
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I may be asking my neighbor to bird sit for a week in the Spring. He had birds but did not put them back in the cage before opening the window last winter to knock the icicles off his roof. They flew out. He said he wasn't going to get any more birds, but if he bonds with Dusty, maybe he will reconsider. I know he will treat him good, but he better watch those windows. Dusty wants to be where the humans are. My mother makes me keep him in my bedroom. If I could just keep him in the dining room, which we don't use, it would be great. It's the room with the thermostat. Lots of sun comes in there. So its the warmest room in the house. It's just off the kitchen and near the tv room. He would be much happier there .I better cover him up.
I think I'm wasted. I know I messed up on my prescriptions today, and perhaps I took a little extra. I'd bet I took a little too much. It's been fun though.
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I have avoided reading this thread. Why? Not sure, but I'm doing well so perhaps it's easy to pretend that death is just a fuzzy concept. I have been on bco for a few years and have, sadly, seen too many deaths yet I see my own as ...well I don't really see my own. This despite the fact that I'm a realist and not banking on being in the 2% or so who are cured. I don't think I'm afraid but maybe I am. I do know that I am at peace with my life. Daughters raised, married and settled. The pleasure of having a grandchild and the satisfaction of knowing I have done my best to educate future generations. Oh, yes, dumping toxic husband after 23 years of marriage
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caryn,mu must admit that my marriage is far from perfect and sometimes I feel trapped by my Cancer. He is an alcoholic and without Al-Anon I know i wouldn't be able to cope. Lately though, he has changed .... He does all the grocery shopping, puts everything away, cooks whenever I don't. It's like somewhere in the last few months he realized that I am sick. Maybe because my counts were low and I haven't been able to get chemo since August. It's weird. There are things he does that drive me crazy but when he comes home from working all day and prepares dinner and makes me eat ,,,, well, there is caring there. If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have left him. Mainly because of the drinking but I've come to understand that a little more and fortunately he only drinks at home after work. After 42 years together I guess I'm not goings anywhere. Just wish I had had the courage to do it when I was diagnose6 years ago. I admire you for being strong enough to do what was right for You
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Caryn, I only think about it once in a while; and I don't spend a lot of time on it either. I do need to get all my papers and logons and passwords together, but I keep putting it off. Anyway, like I said, I have to stay healthy at least through May. I want to go on that trip. I want to slide along the Danube with my mother.
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I get the putting it off dilemma..... I have to say though, I felt a sense of relief once I completed it. It was hard to do, but I did feel better after. I was worried and felt pressure to complete it as I have no partner/family that is even remotely involved in my day to day life. You have your Mom, so maybe don't worry about it for now? Passwords smasswords! Anyone who needs anything will contact your mailing address. So maybe, Let it Go! Let It Go!I have begun looking into my cremation.... I talked to one place last week and have a list of a few others.... Having a salesperson trying to sell to you about your death is incredibly aggravating! Worried I won't get a good deal if I swear at them......
Are you feeling better today?
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Oh yeah, Tamara, I feel ok today. What about you? We got some snow, and I had to make a 2 hour drive for a 10 minute appointment. That's ok. I stopped at Panera's right next to the shrink's office complex and got a cinnamon crunch scone and latte. Today is the first time I went over on my calories since I started counting. LOL
Tomorrow I need to put my happy social face on. Mostly, I will probably play with the kids. I better avoid any cakes or pies. That scone showed me what happens when I add a sweet baked good to my diet. hehehehe
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I am so happy I found this thread tonight. I was really having a mini meltdown, and hubby was in bed. I am feeling very isolated these days. Hubby has been coming home, having a snack, checking his email, drinks a few (5) glasses of wine then fall asleep by 630. I know he is depressed, but he will not do anything about it. I did get him in touch with a friend that works for the ACS, and they are starting support group in our small town on the 6th. He is going!!! Meanwhile the majority of my friends have stopped the texts and phone calls. ugg
Reading through other posts I was reminded of the POA, and advance directives. I have just started to get up the courage to go to the funeral home and talk about prices of a memorial service. I wish to be cremated and my ashes scattered at my favorite camping/fishing spot. The place we took the kids when they were growing up. So when they go now that they are adults, I will be there with them. I was working on a music list, photos, scriptures and who I would like to speak. Now I am reminded of the will- Hello legal zoom.
On a different note, my oldest son and wife are expecting their first child. She is due 30 Dec. I prayed that I would get to hold a grandbaby before I pass-BAM they got pregnant. I prayed for a granddaughter, as I raised 2 boys and wanted a little bundle of pink to hold and watch grow up for as long I am here. Oh yeah BAM I got the girl, and was there when they found out. I got to see her little self on the ultra-sound, and hear her heartbeat.
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Wel come lory n congrats on the grandbaby. men dont handle things well, he is self medicating which isnt a help 2 u. We just need someone to hug us n tell us it will b ok, even though we know that it won't. I am getting cremated, wrote everything down where iwant my ashes, etc. Not gory just what i want, no funeral a celebr4 of life, bht i have not life insurance. Breathe, try to have a wonderful holiday, come back, check out the other boards. BIG HUGS
Sandy
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gator gal,
My ex is an alcoholic too. For so many years I thought if I could things differently or better, then he wouldn't drink. Since I grew up in a non- drinking family, he tried to convince me that I simply didn't know what normal drinking was. Alanon was a great help to me as well. What really still chaps me was his utter disregard for his daughters and the stable family they deserved. Ah, well, the past is over. I am glad I divorced him before bc.
Lory,
Congratulations! My dd found out she was pregnant a few days after my dx. I spent my medical leave doing lots of online shopping for baby clothes. I was also at the ultrasound where we learned the baby's gender. I've had 2 1/2 wonderful years with my granddaughter and hope for at least a few more. It's nice to know that even in the midst of death and dying, new life flourishes.
Caryn
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Lory, welcome to the boards. Sounds like you are getting things under control. ,My mets diagnosis was 6 years ago, I have to say that my husband does the self medicating thing as well. He has been in denial forever. Last thanksgiving he had major heart surgery and since that time, I believe he's opened his eyes, facing his own mortality has helped him to recognize mine. He has started taking care of his own diet, exercise, etc., (everything except the drinking). He has started doing a lot of household chores that totally wear me out. Grocery shopping is the major thing but he's also been doings lot I of cooking. He wants to help with thanksgiving dinner so he will know the dishes ours kids like to have. My oldest son and his wife are even bringing an ish!,
Sandy, I have life insurance but don't want to spend a lot on a funeral. I have donated to an anatomical board. They will pick me up, use me for research, cremate me when they are finished. And send my ashes to my DH when they are through, at no cost to me. I will have a service at my church (for my family, not for me) and my friend is having a gathering at her house (big enough to accommodate a crowd as our house is small) as long as my husband pays the caterer and cleaning afterwards!! LOL! In lieu of a caterer I'm sure my friends would bring food I just think catering gives me less to worry about plus I can plan That!! Control freak, me??
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I'm doing the same thing Gator Girl. It's just flesh at that point. I don't want to spend money at a mortuary. Let the students have at it. The real me will be long gone -- but keeping an eye on my friends and family. "You better watch out, you better not pout, you better not cry, I'm telling you why . . . . ."
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Happy Thanksgiving! Someone mentioned a forum for caregivers of stage IV family members? I can't seem to find it for my hubs.
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Hi Lory,
This is just one thread on that forum, but might be helpful to your husband. He should be able to access similar threads from there.
https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/144/topic...
Caryn
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Dunesleeper, I watch my calories also.... I watch them go from my plate to my fork to my tummy to my backside! Glad you are feeling better. I will refrain from mentioning the temps we are having here after your story of snow travel....I battle finding the balance between save for tomorrow / live for today . I go for healthy meals with treats added in. No calorie counting here. Too much math! I do weigh myself every few days to keep on track though. Scale batteries will be removed for the next few days
Lory, I hope you have other support since your husband is lost in his own struggles right now. Congratulations on your Grandbaby!!! Having something to look forward to is an important part of dealing with this mess!
Planning our death is tough to do. Whether you're healthy or terminal, you have to look at and think about not being here. That goes against everything we as human beings want to even consider. Just one of the tough realities we get to face. My Brother at the time of my dx said, " We're all going to die sometime Sis, you're just going to die sooner". I was shocked, hurt and angry at his cold view. For the record, I still am. BUT, I guess he's right. Perhaps he shouldn't have said that to his 43 year old sister that was just told 3-6 months, get your affairs in order.....
Blondie, I've done the same thing. Trying to decide on and pre pay my cremation. And I found a service that will scatter ashes over the ocean by plane! Can't help thinking that the more I get prepped and clarify, the easier it will be for my cousin and my brother to deal with. My cousin will be emotional, my brother won't, but he is out of state so most will fall to my cousin. It breaks my heart to think of him having to research, ask questions, make calls etc. I figure if I get it lined up, I can hand it over to my less traumatized brother and sil in Montana.
In preparation I have:
*DNR order
*Advanced Directives
*Power of Attorney
*Written agreement with apartment leasing office on breaking lease/ 30 day move out and charges for cleaning etc...
*Made a "Property Wishes" list (no need for will/estate)
*Listed preferred donation organizations (what they take, contact info)
*Listed passwords, bill amounts/ due dates
*Listed phone and account numbers for all utilities, credit accounts to be closed
*Have list of people who said they would take fur babies
*List of people to help with apart, cats, plants if in hospital (all have keys)
*Basic home and pet care info
*Hospital bag packed
*Doctors and meds list
*Extra cat food
*Cash for needed items/services
*Letters written to friends and family
*Still working on cremation plan
Everything is in a folder that key people are aware of. What have I missed? What have you guys done?
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I have created a folder file on my computer titled "Complete Affairs." It has only a couple of the things you listed. LOL. And I have gotten no farther than making that file telling myself what I need to do. I'll have to get on that. I've nearly gotten my bedroom sorted out, so the next step is the basement/den. That's where the important papers are.
Brothers can be something else. Mine is extremely upset about my metastases and has trouble dealing. I talked to him today and tried to tell him about the phone call I made to the oncologist where I went a bit overboard with the drama queen stuff. I mean, I thought it was funny as funny can be. He told me he needed the reader's digest version: prospects, treatments, etc. Well, I said, they didn't give me a time frame and I'd just as soon they didn't. Treatment is x. Radiation may be used for painful areas. What a poop!
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Hi, there, I don't know if I can/should talk about this in here, but here goes.
My side effects on Abraxane are getting to the unbearable stage (at least for this wimpy woman). I talked to the oncology nurse practitioner on Monday and she said I should expect more of the same with future drugs. I know I need to have this same conversation with the oncologist, and will, but for the first time in the 8 years I've been dealing with this, I'm seriously considering stopping treatment and letting nature take its course. I have great doctors, am not super depressed, and am on lots of drugs for my mood, so that isn't the problem. The problem is I hurt and I've just had it. I'm still alive, but cancer has taken the life I enjoyed away and I don't want to spend however many more years there may be like this. I'd rather leave the stage (so to speak) sooner than later given this situation. I'm sorry to give this soul dump on Thanksgiving. Thanks for listening and for your thoughts on this.
xoxoxoxox to all my sisters,
Calico
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Calico, me too n i stopped treatment in july n honestly i am ok, bones hurt am nauseous alot so getting a pet scan to tomorrow to check status. I have been dealing with this this time almost 5 yearsm no body gets it. I cant breathe, i am on oxygen 24 7 cause of cancer in the lining of the lungs n the lungs among other places. Honestly i dont think i will b here next thanksgiving. Ok i did my will
dnr
Living will
Obit
Will
Www.sciencecares.com they r doing the same thing picking me up n sending me back cremated. A Celebration of life is what i want dont care where.
Gave instructions as to where 2 spread my ashes, (daytona beach on the beach), (disney world although it is illegal, ) who cares.
Have something on my puter that says my wishes
Told my kids my passwords.
Think that covers it
Calico pm me if u want to talk n i will give u my phone #
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Hi, Blondie, thank you so much and I deeply appreciate your sharing how you've prepared. I don't have a DNR and need to do that.
How did your oncologist take it when you told him/her you wanted to stop treatment? My oncologist is a "tough guy". I don't know if he's going to say, "Oh, sure, no problem!" or read me the riot act.
Hugs and prayers to you,
Calico
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Doctors don't "Get it". Family and friends don't "Get it". Our reality is different from theirs. Pain, fear, stress, loneliness .... It takes so much to just get through some days much less make it comfortable for the people that are around us.
Dunesleeper, don't feel any pressure, you'll do what you need to do, when/if you are ready.
Calico, sorry to hear you are in so much pain. only you can decide what is best for you. Doctors are there to advise, not bully. And don't forget, you are likely to change your mind several times and that's ok too. My stance changes almost daily!
The info on the ScienceCares is great! I'm looking into that next week. I had already signed off for my organs to be donated.... Throw in a free cremation and I'm in!
Does anyone know at what point Hospice can be brought on? Has anyone started the process. I understand it offers counseling that may bring us more peace with our remaining time.
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Calico - I understand where you are completely! I am the se queen and will be going on chemo (Halevan) in January - I haven't been on any treatment for six months (my choice) - I am presently feeling pretty good and am able to get around and out and about but I've only been on AIs and the AA combo but my onc and PCP both know that I am after quality of life and when I don't feel like it's worth it I will go back off treatment - my choice and they are not the bullying types - I had this conversation with both of them a couple of years ago and they have been very, very supportive - you should not be bullied by your doctors - I think any decision you make is the right one for you - sending hugs, S.
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