A place to talk death and dying issues
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I'm sorry, Hindsfeet, that you are leaving and feeling as you do. I went back and re-read the posts and didn't pick up what you are picking up. We're all in emotional and most, physical pain as well, and I don't think for a second that any of us want to increase that for any of our suffering sisters.
I see you've been with BCO since 2007. That's a long time.
If you must go, may peace and comfort be with you.
xoxoxoxo
Calico
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Calico, I did delete my comments from this thread. Yes, I was first dx with stage 0 2007... DX FIVE times with breast cancer...the one to do me in was the fourth...stage 1a that went to the hilar lymph nodes and then to the lungs...that in the last year or so exploded all over my body.
I need to be in a supportive forum or groups, where I feel safe...not where people are taking sides with whoever especially in a thread name "Death & Dying".
I just can't be on threads where people feel the liberty to put down my faith or Christianity. They can choose whatever, but don't touch my faith. I am also on steroids so I admit a little more emotional than usual. This thread just happened to touch a very sensitive area. But, then sometime, you get you just don't belong here.
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This was precisely why I deleted my posts. It is never and I do mean never my intent to offend or cause conflict. Life is too short for conflict. Personally our family has been hurt multiple times by good Christians and my sharing that was meant to show only my experiences in this town. For more then half my life I would have described myself as a good Quaker and Christian. I very much admire Christ. I doubt if Catholics harmed by pedophile priests bashing the Vatican for cover up would offend because it's horrid and true. There are miserable people in all religions who twist their religion into hellish excuses for their own maddness- ISIS and Bokka Haram (N.Africa and Sorry for the spelling). There have been Buddhist Monks advocating Muslim killings, where the numbers of Muslims over run Buddhist strongholds. It is a people thing not a religion thing. Talking about it should be ok. I bring up these things as examples of intent gone wrong -not as religion bashing or offending anyone's beliefs. Ugly stuff all around the globe.
So here in Cancerland we should be sisters of PEACE! Disagree with respect and honor and listen to all views (well except murder and harm). So Hindsfeet stay and be here with the rest of us. Fight the big C, not words on a post. Just words after all. Sharing our views and stories around death and dying helps us all sort it out. You never know how your description of what it was like to lose a sister or parent might be the words that send another down a path of acceptance and peace. We are teachers for each other.
I will tell you something about my oldest kid. She is mildly retarded, mildly autistic and deaf. She was so much work as a young child I thought I would crack under the enormity of raising her. Every thing was a struggle. She needed therapy to eat, swallow, walk, communicate, wore pull-ups until age 8! Every little thing was a battle and patience mandatory. We all ground to a stop when she couldn't cope, social skills painfully learned... on and on. I felt sorry for myself.. boo hoo. Here it is 20 years later and I consider her one of my greatest teachers. I have learned more from this kid because I had to examine every little thing.. life examined and explored. It sounds canned and corny but it's true. I know things more deeply and truly because of her. Other parents of special needs kids have told me the same. Conflict and struggle can help you grow and evolve. You can't spin your wheels in it, learn and move on. Expect teachers in everyone you meet - young, old, the likable and disagreeable.
Hugs and love to you all.
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I want to add one more observation about my DD with disabilities. She accepts death fully. She cries and grieves and writes long letters to pets who have died and Grandparents who have left. Every time we had to put down a cat or dog this kid would come to the vet with me. She would gently pat the head of the animal, hold their fur as they were euthanized. Mostly she wouldn't cry but kiss them and needed to be there. None of my other kids would go to the vet with me. When her service dog was dying of cancer she sat next to him, signing her love and not to be afraid, repeating her sounds for his name, "Banner." He wagged his tail and she held his head as he died. No tears. I asked her how she did it. She signed "he was my friend and I love him. I will stay with him and he will not be afraid." She was clear in her heart and there was no conflict in what she needed to do. Her strength wows me. I cried buckets.
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Rosevalley and Hindsfeet, there is room enough here for the both of you and your posts. There is absolutely no reason to delete anything. When you post, it is your own opinion, so stand by what you write and leave it on the boards. Many of us accept all religions and non religions, without judging. We come from all walks of life so we bring countless different experiences to this forum. Many of us are open minded to hearing what anyone has to say. Just hang in there. We are all in this together even when we don't agree all the time.
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According to the Metta Institute, Angeles Arrien, one of their members, taught that attention to Buddhist teaching on the 4-dimensions of love allows us to support and collaborate with one another well. She is reported to have taught:
- Wherever my critic is usually present I have compassion work to do.
- When I'm impatient I have Loving-kindness work to do.
- When I'm competitive/jealous I have Empathic Joy work to do.
- When I'm over extended/ out of balance I have Equanimity work to do.
When we work toward supporting each other, we may find that we agree or disagree, accept or reject, tolerate or dismiss, another's expression of thoughts, values, ideals, preferences, and so on. Sometimes we don't find ourselves in either/or land, and we sit with others' words in contemplation.
Over the last week I've been contemplating the various posts that have been swirling around this thread. I've not had the energy--motivation, yes; energy, no--to respond before now. I have more to say about the idea of a "best death," but for now I would just like to focus on our relationships with each other. Perhaps we can practice compassion and lovingkindness with andfor each other as we contemplate each other's words and "differences." It's possible that this practice will not only change our inner worlds but also our relationships with each other, rippling out into the world in ways we cannot even imagine.
In lovingkindness to you all....
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However, when I wrote something everyone jumped over my opinion as wrong. I was not trying to fight or not support anyone here posting. I was merely trying to be sensitive to others and felt more needed to be said but not on this particular thread. I do not mind discussing "religion" as long as people are truly "open" or respectful of one another's faith.
Rosevalley, I am sorry you had a bad experience with "Christians", but for me this does not mean you throw the baby out with the bathwater. It is sad that many do not understand God's love, and forgiveness. For a lot of people God is just a religion, not a friendship or relationship that pulls us through storms and hard times. Maybe for some religion is a social or a building. I don't know. I on the other hand have found my faith in Jesus to be real and gives me strength no matter what is thrown at me. I just don't want to be in a place/forum that knocks my faith. Yes, people blow it...we all do. This is why forgiveness is so important.
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Im sorry hind feet, I enjoy your posts and your comraderie. We are all in the same boat, with or without CA, we are just more aware because of the emotional and physical pain. I know that. Just want to say good bye if you must go.
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I would be sorry to see anybody leave this thread. I don't post much here but I read all the time. I learn from all of you and pick and choose what I feel is right for me. Thank you for all your input that I value so much.Linda
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Hindsfeet, my comment on the previous page (51) about being disappointed that Rosevalley deleted her post was in no way excluding your comments as valid. You are entitled to your comments same as anyone. I'm not saying at all that you are wrong. I'm saying we aren't all going to see things the same way. To disagree doesn't necessarily mean one is wrong and one is right. It's a difference of opinion. I have six siblings, we all have strong opinions, none the same. We discuss and disagree, but then leave it at that and move forward, together. We are better at it now that we are all past 50 and should have tried harder when we were younger.
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Brenda :-) When ever something bothers you and gets you at edge, focus there on the juicy ripe raw feelings.. Pema Chodron. We are all essentially groundless.
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The Devine...just to comment that what was said is that I should not have posted or commented on Rosevalley due to she deleted her post. Thus, my comment was not received and it was meant to be B-9.I have been encouraged by a few to stick with bco...not sure what I will do. I have been on steriods due to brain swelling so I am a little more reactive and emotional. However, where ever I go for support it needs to be a place where friends are fighting with me. Not sure this is the place. Glad you all have that community.
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Well I encourage you to stick around too! I feel there is plenty, plenty of room around here for you and Rosevalley and the rest of us. We are all just trying to figure things out. I think we are all made of some tough stuff. Really, we are
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Hindsfeet, I hold you and my BCO friends in lovingkindness, and I hope you experience that lovingkindness as you read this. Each of us faces struggles most every day, and we need support and compassion from others who understand the road we walk in ways so many others cannot. Although I am different from many of my friends here, I believe I share more in common. I find solace in closing my eyes and opening my heart to the vision of us walking together in peace and tolerance. May you and all the wonderful women who keep showing up here find the solace and support you need, too.
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Mrs. M and Brenda: thank you for your wise wisdom, always enjoy reading you posts.
One question on this death and dying thread, how can we find out if a bco friend passed away? Caryn in another thread mentioned a central address. What is that?
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I just don't know what to say.... Except Rosie, I somehow found you over here.... and reading your posts, I admire and respect you so much! I'm always teasing everybody, because I'm much older, and can get away with it.... But I won't tease you guys... You are all my mentors....
Rosie, Blondie, and 222222.... I know you gals... and I care about you all very much... I just wanted to jump in here and tell you Rosie, I got tears in my eyes, reading about your kids....
I'm not stage lV.... and I shouldn't post here, but I just wanted to say you all give me inspiration... To live my life to the fullest each day that I am given...........
Except I kind of DO "fit-in" because I've been working on OUR arrangements for when WE are no longer here.... Every day I still live, I thank God for just "one more day"... We've paid for our cremations, put our accounts in our Daughter's names, and just recently turned our home over to them.... with a Quit Claim Deed. Just don't want them going through all the trouble after we are gone... They already were POA's with the Medical and Durable, but now it's all taken care of with that Quit Claim Deed.
Carry on girls.... xoxo
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cling,
I don't come to this thread often, but noticed you asked about the central address book. It is a pinned thread at the beginning of the stage IV forum. Click here:
https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topic/7...
Let me know if you have any questions or contact nowheregirl.
Caryn
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I hate it when people leave, if you feel the need then do whatever is right for you.Hey there Chevy, hru
how is everybody this fine day, it is raininh here outside of the stupid nursing home I am in, REALLY, it is a month tomorrow lsince I broke this ankle, surgeon tomorrow and no discharge date yet.
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Hello ladies, I am doing rads now, just finished #11. I kinda wonder why though. At Stage IV, I'm not so sure this is a good use of my time, and money. They say it is to keep it from coming back, but at this stage of the game, I want the cancer and mets to go away forever. It is so hard to motivate to get to rads every day. I still have fatigue from the chemo and surgery. I feel like I am dragging to just get up and get dressed. I guess I can't tell the difference from my old life, and now this new normal. But my life is far far from anything I would call normal. I hope that Spring gets here soon, and I can get outside and get moving again. This is some "bump" in the road, today it feels like a mountain!! I'm just afraid that I won't be anything close to normal again, and instead I am thinking I need to make those arrangements for the day I go to another normal, my forever place.
I want to be cremated and dropped in the lake so I can wash up on the waves to the beach forever. Even though I know what I want, it is so hard to make that call, it seems very real to me at that point. Perhaps I am not supposed to do that yet?? Anyone else struggling to put it on paper? I am alone, and my family does not live close. My Mom is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's. Maybe regrets from days gone by, but I am more afraid that I won't end up where I need to be. I guess my life is not what I wanted, but I can't change any of it, so I think the rest of my life is too important right now. Grrrr.....
Thanks ladies, we all have the now to deal with, and the forever. I hope we all find our own peace with this life we have on Earth. Perhaps we will all walk as one some day......I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony! If I could, I would!
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Hey ya Blondie! You doing okay? Get better, so you can blow that joint!
Beaches, we paid for our cremation, and I don't care about what happens after that, but I just told our girls I want to be together with my DH... Even with the ashes of our little dog.... I knew of someone who wanted to have their ashes over a golf course.... But it wasn't allowed.... I think I wouldn't TELL anybody if I wanted to put ashes ANYwhere...Ha!
I'm leaving it up to our 2 girls, about what to do with us.....We just have to enjoy each day that we have.....
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Beach bum, hang in there with the rads. I had 33 and it was a very isolating experience, but I felt like it was the right thing to do. Consider rewarding yourself when done, or once a week. Sometimes after a week, I'd get a hot fudge sundae. Then, I bought myself a big screen tv as reward after getting thru chemo, lumpectomy and rads, and am still enjoying the TV. I read where one woman bought 33 scratch off tickets, and scratched one off each day when she was done with the rad treatment.
You are right, you may not be ready to make all final arraingemnts just yet. I have made some, but not others. I think as we move forward, things fall into place and we can make decisions and be okay with them. We don't have to spend all our time planning final arraingemnts. We are allowed to still have a life
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Well I just bought my first life insurance policy today...I am also trying after 15 yrs filing a divorce that should have been done the day I left after 6mths of marriage I know why so long...he had more money to do it and I never had the money until i was waived all the fees for filing due to my illness..go figure...and ha I can't even find him where he lived his entire life and has children and grandkids...he was a drunk...oh well soon to be old news...I should be able to get a default and get the divorce......It wasn't such a big deal...now it is...because I want to die with my Daddy's name..
My son is my beneficiary...He is just more stable and will obtain my wishes...we've talked alot about it and how I want things done...I know he will up hold my wishes...I do have 2 daughters with 3 grand son's ...My daughters...love them...but has been very toxic...
I have been attending a prayer group for terminal ill folks...and I have to say it is nice to be around sharing common ground...
I just want to be here for when my daughters father...and long time love of mine...should have never left him 20 yrs ago...he was and is my soul mate...even with his defaults...but he has finally gotten life going good...he should be alow to travel to Idaho in 1 1/2 yrs...he is on parole..for DUI's..they won't let him transfer to the state of Idaho...I'm trying to work on that by writing the judge's and court's and parole officer...Just want him here to be here for our youngest...his only child...and the grandboys..I just hope I can fight and be strong to see that day come..I don't want to live the youngest ..she is very close to me...and him being here she would have a blood relative here for her...
Well ...my days have been just trying to think of things that i need to do...so nobody has to have issues when I leave...it's more difficult then i thought..
Peace & Love Carla
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Hi to all!!
I don't post on the threads very often but here goes: I went to my therapist today and talked about being tolerant of other people's belief sytem, especially those of us who are Stage IV. She made a very good point (she's had twenty years of experience with Hospice patients and helping volunteers). She said that none of us really know 100% what is going to happen when we die but that it's important to have an open mind and to know that it is a spiritual journey. She meant that everyone is not going to be on the same page with dying because we have come from different faiths, experiences, etc.
She made another good point: she said that living is much harder than dying! This is true for me because I stress about finances, my children and grandchildren and my ninety-year-old mother!!!
I would like to hear from anyone who chooses to respond; just be gentle please. You don't have to agree with me.
You inspire me to do more everyday to prepare for what is to come! I am thankful for every minute of breath that I have left and I plan to use each one wisely!!Judy
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nature I do agree with you and what she said, living is harder then dying....
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naturelover, we all have our own idea of what living is, and we all decide what we need to do to die. But I think that as some point we go to it, hopefully with peace in our heart. I think I fuss more about the stuff I leave behind, the people I will never see again, and the bills that may never get paid. I just hope to die quietly, without pain, and without sadness. I hope those that I love here on Earth have the best damn party ever! My passing won't be a time to mourn what I have lost, but to celebrate the life I lived.
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I have a friend who took care of her husband at home for 8 years as he slowly made his downhill slide in dementia. She has on her refrigerator this saying: "Don't be sad because it's over; be glad because it happened." My God, if she can go through that and still strive for that attitude, I guess I can, too.
I had another landmark talk (for me) with my onc today. This one was about my Power of Attorney for Health Care. In 2008, I named my primary care provider as my GP, whom I love. One great guy. Unfortunately, he is totally overworked and his staff is pretty cranky. In other words, at his office, the trains don't run on time. So I asked my onc if I could name him, and he said absolutely. I was so relieved. I KNOW he will make sure my wishes are followed, I'm kept out of terror and in peace, and won't worry about "overtreating" me such that the treatment actually speeds my death. If it takes an elephant dose to keep me out of pain and mental/emotional/physical suffering, and that elephant dose just happens to end my life, bring it on! I really feel sure he gets that. He told me the first time I saw him 9 years ago that he would be my quarterback. He repeated that again today.
My husband agrees to follow my onc's direction. If it means the onc thinks it's best to move me to a hospice an hour away from where we live, so be it. If the onc thinks there are enough of the right kinds of resources in my little town to keep me at home, so be it.
With enormous gratitude for all your wisdom and compassion,
Calico
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Hi, Beachbum, I live in a little town with no facilities and the closest ones are in Fresno. A friend recruited 5 ladies to alternate driving me to rads, which is a 2 hr. daily round trip. After the rads, I took whoever had driven me to lunch. It actually made it fun, if you can believe that. I never, ever would have thought of doing this, and probably wouldn't have if my friend hadn't arranged it. Maybe you could come up with something similar? If lunch is too much, maybe just ice cream? There are a lot of wonderful people in the world who love to help with things like this.
xoxoxooxox
Calico
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nature lover, your therapist puts into words what I feel many of us know to be true. And open mindedness is great but I also know some people are very set in their belief system and I accept that. I learned years ago not to waste time trying to change another's opinion and part of that comes from learning to respect the other person and the experiences they have had that made them who they are and which developed their belief system.
I don't have a firm black and white hold on spirituality. I believe in prayer, but not like you are asking Santa to give you what's on your wish list. I was raised Catholic, love the reverence of its symbolism. But became a born again Christian in my early 20s which greatly changed my life around for the better. These days, I feel my belief system seems to align much toward the Buddism teachings. Yet I don't want to abandon my other beliefs! So just for myself alone, I have to be tolerant of all these different spiritual concepts mingling together! Lo
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Ditto Mrs M.
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Thanks to all of you for posting your comments about tolerance for each other's beliefs. I really like this thread!!
Judy
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