Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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JJ, I am so sorry you have to have another biopsy. I had a couple stereotactic biopsies, but was able to have local anesthetic. They weren't looking for calcifications in my case. I wonder if that's the difference. It sucks. Your MIL needs to put a sock in it! Nobody has a freaking crystal ball. I did elect a prophylactic Mx on my "good" side, but if I'd been in your position having just had augmentation, I'd have done exactly what you did. We all make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. There are certainly things I'd do differently if I could get a do-over. Your manager also sounds like a real prize. One can only hope that there's some justice in this world and people like that have to deal with a serious illness sometime. Can you go over his head if he starts giving you flack? I'd think your 19 year work record there would count for something. I hope you can relax and enjoy Costa Rica.
Dee2010, you've certainly had more than your share of complications. Jiminy Christmas, as an old boss of mine used to say! I think the next time you have a doc pooh pooh some symptom you have, you should list off all the things you've listed here where you were right and the docs were wrong. I sometimes come out of doctor's appointments pissed off too. I've got 2 (GYN and MO), who are the type who think they know what you're going to say before you say it so they don't bother listening. I hope you have clear sailing from now on out.
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there are way too many ignoramuses around where cancer is concerned. As for me I just saw a PTSD checklist on fb and realise I still have a lot of these symptoms, makes me tearful even typing that......seems relentless.......
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Marijen...there is a huge difference between someone saying something with thought as to someone saying something out of ignorance or what feels like spite. My MIL has done thing except worry about her son. If I had done a mx...her son wouldn't have had to endure going to rads with me...she just thought it was too stressful on him. She thinks it's "silly" I just didn't cut my boob off and be "done" with "it". At one point during my treatment I cut her off...her negativity was sucking me dry. She never made a meal for us...we've moved twice in the past year (last January into a resale which DH hated...then again in July into new build)...and there were no offers to help...but my biggest complaint is that she somehow thinks this is all about what her poor son is going through. The next guy I marry will be an orphan (we have been together for 24yrs)
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I married an orphan but I think I would have liked his mom as I liked his aunt. Sincerely I want DIL to be happy because she makes my son happy. DIL has so many food restrictions trying to cook for her is out of the question, really. 24 years is a long time to put up with all that. Sorry to hear it
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BosomBlues Hi there. Im so sorry you feel this way. Breast cancer sucks! Im concerned you could be clinically depressed. IMO it would be beneficial to see doc about it. You shouldn't have to live like this. Please feel free to private message me if you would like to talk in more detail. Good luck and keep us posted.....
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JJ, your MIL sounds like a piece of work. I hope she's not going to CR with you!
Lily55, I've read before that cancer patients can have a form of PTSD. I find it hard to relate to, because my father had PTSD from WWII. Back then, it wasn't recognized or treated, but I can't relate how I'm reacting to how he reacted. Weird, as I'm guessing there is a wide spectrum of PTSD reactions.
Marijen, I too married an orphan (his mother died before I met him). He had been cut off from his father, and it is his father's third wife who got them all back together. So I am very lucky and thankful for having her in the family. DH and I have been married 27 years now, and I don't know if I have JJ's patience!
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JJ - do not joke about "marrying an orphan" - it's not funny at all.
I, too, married an orphan 40 yrs ago and I'd much rather have had a mean/nasty MIL (don't she would have been) that I would have handled than for Hubby to have gone through what he had to as a Child. She had Cervical Cancer and the last time he saw her alive was on Christmas Day afternoon when she was taken to the hospital via ambulance when he was 9. When he was 16, he found his Dad dead one morning from a massive heart attack. So yeah - not funny at all. He and my Mom were best of buddies (I think losing Mom was harder on him than for me).
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Kicks I could have written your story, only he was 25. I wish she had been alive and he treated my mother with great respect, he even liked her. Never a bad word
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I lost my mum when I was 36 my dad at 34. I never got to see my parents grow old. For all you MIL's out there....be kind. I wish mine would understand that and know how much I've missed my mum going through this.
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Hi All,
Struggling with Christmas. My eldest has just arrived back from studying in London and has gone straight to his dad's. I know it is easier for him in so many ways and he will spend Xmas day and eve with me , but i find these things unbearable at times. Thing is i find anyone being around too much after about 5 mins.... its too demanding.
Also 2 letters this morning 1 for mammo and the other to discuss next stage for recon within a day of each other..... also seeing urologist in Jan too and Coeliac consultant all in Jan!!
Is this what being old is like? Is this normal for a 54 year old?
I wish i had a dog to walk for miles and miles or a river i could skate away on...
Any one else feel this way?
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Wintersocks: I am about to turn 54 in February....and I ask myself - will my life be so consumed with private scares and constant doctors and tests? I hope not! Truly, the only constant in my life who will always be happy to be with me is my dog, Bella. Maybe you should consider a small dog? Bella has been by my side throughout this .... Holidays are depressing when you see everyone moving and doing. I am here for you. Lis
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Wintersocks I so get this......I felt like celebrating when I dropped one specialist from my repertoire of doctors visits.....but I still have Oncology, nephrology, vascular surgery, traumatology and gynaecology left!
Never the one I long for though, recon................it seems so trivial to be so upset about it when there are people here at stage 4 fighting for their lives...........but there is barely a month when I am not at the hospital...........I don´t really feel like venting, I think most of you got how bleak I feel deep inside, and even though I have had one or two days when I felt a bit better this past week, underneath I have the same never ending sense of disconnectedness from the world. For some reason PTSD things keep popping up on my timeline and I think this IS still a lot of my problem, not just originating from breast cáncer but from previous years of other medical issues that were life threatening at one point or another. I remember feeling how easy it would be to slip away when I had a lot of internal bleeding, I was so tired I just wanted to fade away, instead I was persuaded in to a blood transfusion.......but going then would have saved me a lot of pain and heartache. I am hyper sensitive to everything right now and even going downstairs to let the dogs in or out feels like an enormous hassle or challenge. My body has long been hyper sensitive to numerous drugs and even things like plasters, certain antiseptics so going anywhere medical is always an extra challenge........and in this country is often met with disbelief so they do things like use normal plaster then say two hours later oh you are very sensitive aren´t you, suppose we had better take it off.........stupid little things that just leave me feeling even more alone....................this all reads like a pity party but after 11 years of health challenges I feel worn out........and someone I made a phone support group with when first diagnosed is now Stage 4 and literally fighting for her life in hospital, same kind of cáncer as I had but lower stage, so I don´t feel I have a right to whinge when I have more choices than her.
BB - where are you spending Christmas?
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Bosum, Carly Fiorina has to say she "beat" breast cancer. A presidential candidate dare not admit and health vulnerabilities.
Winter, I hope you and your son get some enjoyable time together. I've had that same feeling of wanting to walk or run for miles. Skating would be lovely too.
Lily, I struggle with thinking that my concerns over reconstruction are "trivial" compared to what others are facing too. That may be, but our feelings are about what's happened to our bodies are real. Knowing that others have it worse doesn't make these feelings go away. I know I "shouldn't" care so much about cosmetic issues, but bottom line is I do care. I hope to get past it some day and except wherever I am with the cosmetic stuff. At least I got recon. I fully remember how awful I felt when I was flat.
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2Tabbies...do you like your new look?? How are you feeling?
I'm trying to put my biopsy out of my mind. I also hate worrying about the fact that I go back to work on the 8th then I will be missing time to see my family Dr, then blood work, then the biopsy, then the MRI...my boss is going to freak. Not how I wanted to start the New Year...also being in Costa Rica the sun is beautiful but I'm on guard about getting sun on my chest...(always careful) but now even more so. My last stereotactic biopsy was the absolute worst. I can't wait for my DD to arrive. Her chatter and drama will drag my mind out of cancerland...
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Seriously strugglling today, one thing after another, really feel beaten, heart pounding like mad in my chest......I am really not coping
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Hugs, Lily. Some days are more difficult than others. I know that feeling of PTSD. I have triggers that get me going down that path. Just know that you are not alone. Many of us are here for you. The holiday season gives many of us mixed feelings and can be a trigger too. I have started doing gentle yoga and is helping me mentally as well as physically. The instructor was telling us to be kind to ourselves. That was a relatively new idea to me. I always held the bar a little higher for myself than for others. I find I give myself permission to have down moments, or sometimes just sit and work though some thoughts. It does help. You have been there for others on this site. Be just as kind to yourself. Ask for help or support when you feel the need. It also helps me focus on the moment instead of the past or future. Things are alright in just this moment. Sending support and wishes. GypsyJo
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"Sometimes when you are in a dark place and you think you've been buried, you've actually been planted".
I have come upon this quote 3 times today. I like it; it has a feeling of hope to it. Thinking about you today Lily.
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THank you both, I am bored with myself feeling like this so reckon others must be.....but I will use that quote............xx
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Hang in there, Lily.
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Lilly - I'm so sorry to read about your struggles. I've only just checked in and read a couple of pages so I have a lot more reading to do to find out whats going on - but I want you to know that I'm thinking about you. I understand the feeling of being disconnected from the world, so I know that what you're going through must be really crappy, and really challenging, and very very lonely. But - you are not beaten.
I always think that the stuff that we need to feel strong is somewhere inside of us if only we can figure out how to get it out. Not easy. And life has a giant combination lock, and it takes a lot of trial and error and ( and breakdowns) to figure stout, and release ourselves the painful grasp that prevents us from feeling joy, or even feeling anything at all. And it sucks to have to work this hard at something that should be easy. It just sucks. I hope it gets easier.
I love Purls quote. And I love the idea of being kind to yourself. I hope today is a better one. I'm thinking of you,
Janet
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my MIL went away all summer while I was being treated. Travelled the country, not a single offer to help and I have two small kids. When she came back she was like " I feel so bad, like I'm not helping at all". I wanted to scream " that's because you aren't!" I worked all through cancer, have a three hour commute round trip, and took care of the kids. My mom said to me at one point " the only thing that has changed in your life is that on Friday you go to the infusion center." I took the last two weeks of the year off to rest. My husband decided that meant he could work til midnight every day. Grrr. I need sleep
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Tresjoli2, I'm so sorry to hear you were going at this on your own. My mother was incapable of helping because it wasn't in her nature. MIL was never touchy feely so was also out. I can say I had a bit of help from hubby as my kids were young, but many of us go at it alone :-(. I went from being type A to type B real quick. Almost 5 years later and some of the "chill" has stayed. People do show their real colors during this time.
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Trejoli2 and Rockym....I have the MIL from hell. I feel your pain. I've greatly reduced my expectations of her and it helped. The past year has taught me who I can count on...and it's not her even though she lives so close. It still stings when she goes on about how stressful this has been on "her son". Why can't she say "on us"?
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JJ try this website - maybe you can learn something helpful
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Tresjoli, Rockym, and JJ, I feel so bad for those of you with children and nobody helping out. Honestly, why don't these people get it? It's hard enough going through this much less still having to shoulder your regular responsibilities. I worked through most of my treatment except when recovering from surgery and for a few days after each chemo. That was bad enough. At least I didn't have children to take care of.
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Thanks Marijen...I looked at that link. After 24 yrs with MIL I will just do what my DH does and respect her...but unfortunately our relationship will never be what I had hoped it to be...
DD arrived today for the holidays...hoping to spend some quality time with her. :-) Tests, biopsies...will wait
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You're welcome JJ. Happy holidays!
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Thinking of everyone on this journey. It will be three years since I finished chemo this weekend. Still had four surgeries after that and Herceptin for a year but my last surgery was last March and physically I am pretty much healed. Emotionally there is still a lot of fear and pain.
I had a glimpse this summer of what recovered might look like. I felt better than I had since diagnosis and stayed busy and my thinking wasn't fogged.
Sadly depression rolled back in this fall. I will get through it, I am taking anti depressants and will try to start therapy soon.
All of you help so much. The pain and suffering I am in now feels so isolating. I had a great support network but everyone thinks it is all over and I feel ashamed to tell anyone, except my DH that I am struggling again.
So thank you all for being here.
Much love and healing prayers to everyone.
Julieho
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Christmas day here now, and my boys are at home
Love to all on 'why was I stronger' friends as we look back all at another year of survival, thank heavens you are all here...
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That's beautiful, wintersocks! Both the picture and you having your boys home.
Julie, I know what you mean. Just when I think I have the depression beat, it's back. Christmas has been a bit hard. Some is missing my mother, I'm sure, even though we lived far apart and didn't see each other on Christmas. But I think some is the bc blues.
Peace, merry Christmas, and happy holidays to all.
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