Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Hhappy Christmas everyone, glad you are all here, like the phrase BC Blues.......I am making big effort and going to go out this morning instead of battening down the hatches as I planned, but still feel very wobbly and can never forget as the vice like grip all round my right side chest and ribs is relentless and the more I exercise the worse itseems to get afterwards.
I am sitting here with one cat cuddled up to me purring and puppy along other half of sofa.......
Hope Christmas Day is kind to you all
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Merry Christmas to all! Just waiting for the family to wake up and hoping today is a good day. I'm already dreading going home and facing January with so many appointments scheduled and the grey cold skies of Ontario. DH and I have been wobbly...this year has taken its toll ...we needed this break! Enjoy each other and thank you for your posts
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No not another one, JEEZ this is such awful news..................Dunesleeper was so full of life
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Lily, I'm sitting here with one purring cat too. It helps.
JJ, I hope you and hubby are able to rest and re-energize for the coming appointments.
Rockym, I didn't know Dunesleeper, but am sorry to hear another sister has left us.
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I remember Dunesleeper. She had a rough road, and was a great cheerleader for the rest of us. She reminded us a lot about silver linings. Because of her diagnosis, she had the balls to quit her job and take early retirement. It was a gutsy move - and she found it very freeing. I found that very inspirational. She called herself 'Dunesleeper' and I asked her once what it meant. She told me why, but I can't recall the answer. Because she was feisty I never thought of her as a 'sleeper'. I thought of her as 'Dragonslayer' instead.
Another spirit gone. So very sad.
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I think one of the reasons I find Christmas so difficult since BC is that every year since diagnosis someone I know has died of BC at Christmas........and always people with loads more reasons to live than me. I get really confused as some days I want to finish it as the constant relentless grind of living with a BC shadow and a mutilated body I hate gets too much then at others I feel rattled. I have decided today that I going to put myself through any horrors at the end, I will find a way to take charge of my own death as some of the things I have heard about or read are just too awful to contemplate and there is no way I want to die in a hospital..........
But to end on a positive have been taking mega doses of B12 and do feel a bit better emotionally.....but still pretty low if I´m honest
How are others doing?
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Janet, I'm wrestling with a decision on early retirement. My pension would be pathetically small, but we should be able to pay the bills. I just worry about the money running out before my time on earth does. And so, I waffle. I'm glad Dunesleeper took the plunge, and hope she was able to enjoy the rest of her life.
Lily, I know what you mean about end of life horror stories, but things are much better in that regard than they used to be. I'm glad the B12 is helping.
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This is what has happened in my home town on Boxing day, half of Northern England has had massive floods, so bad the army has been called in. I am without electricity and staying with a friend.0 -
I posted this first but it seems to have disappeared. so here goes again, I too remember Dunesleeper as I am sure she posted on this thread. I knew she was now stage IV, but I did not realise she was so poorly. What a shock. May she now rest in peace, out of cancerland and thoughts go to her family and all who loved her.
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Jeez, sometimes life is tough, tough and tougher. I cannot have a shower, no mobile signal either. Whatever, I do hope you all had a really nice and relaxing Christmas and are looking forward to the New Year!.
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Winter, was your home flooded? Or is it without power only? The floods up North are just horrendous and nightmarish
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Lily it's been a few days since I was on here, but I wanted to tell u I'm sorry it's been so rough for you. I'm sorry to hear of another death in our family here. I hate this damn disease!
Holidays are hard for me too due to cancer deaths in our fam. My Grandma died of breast cancer. She was the glue who held us together and it's never been the same since then. She died because a greedy pharmacist was diluting cancer meds. He's in prison now and I'm am consumed with rage when I think about it. So much unnecessary suffering! Last Sept I lost my closest uncle to lung cancer that went to his liver. It was awful. I don't know how to deal with these traumas during the holidays other than just going through it. That's what is hard about grief.
Lately I cry a lot. I'm still pissed off at cancer and what it's stolen from me. I think I broke another rib which brings the total to 3. No idea how I am doing this.
After shutting down my ovaries and cutting my boobs off, I feel like I don't qualify to be a woman anymore. The weight gain and atrocious chemo hair isn't helping. It's hard to get out of bed sometimes, and not just because everything hurts. It's hard to not just throw up my hands and yell, "F--- IT!"
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catlady I HEAR YOU.! No matter how many people say orherwise I too feel unfeminine.....and get angry at how much cancer has stolen from me too, that i can never get bac
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I have been off for a bit as well. I am not sure if it is depression, bitterness, or just general angst. I am recovering pretty well since my surgery, and thankful to get my awful expanders out. My PS fixed my under arm area that was very swollen and weird looking. My new problem is the scars are very sore. Hoping that recovers soon & I think it will. I am tired of soreness everywhere...positive note, I can finally sleep on my side for a short period of time each night after 8 months of only back sleeping. I continue with acupuncture for neuropathy in my hands and feet. Lots of 3 & 6 month appointments for my cardiologist, oncologist, general surgeon, etc. I am hoping to get my port out on January 28th if my blood work & Ct scan look good. Fingers crossed. Two years with my port is enough...ready to be "deported."
We had an ok christmas. Quiet. I passed what I consider my 2 year mark (diagnosis day) on December 27th. I spent the day in bed resting and watching garbage tv.
Lily, I am so sorry for your struggles. I have not felt quite as dark, and it hurts my heart that you have limited opportunity to help you feel more whole.
JJ, I hope this recent stuff is a mirage on a path to wellness. You have my thoughs and prayers.
Wintersocks, happy you have time with your boys...darn those storms though. For cripe sakes! You don't need that too.
Dunesleeper- rest eternally in peace. I didn't know you on this thread, but it sounds like you shared hope & love with people here who needed it...that is a gift to everyone. My prayers go out to those who loved you.
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Smart, so good to hear from you. I just made an appointment with a massage therapist to work on my scars. They don't hurt, but the one on my back is tight and annoying. Maybe something like that would help you. Is the acupuncture helping your neuropathy? I have it in my hands and feet also. Probably from chemo, but may be from the lymphoma that I have. It's pretty mild now, but I don't want it to get worse.
Wintersocks, those floods look awful. I hope it's only loss of power at your house. There was a picture in our newspaper of a man standing in a flooded street with a teapot passing a cuppa to another man inside a building.
Catlady and Lily, I too get angry at what cancer has stolen. My ovaries were lost to cancer 12 years ago, but least I could compensate for the loss with estrogen supplements. Then breast cancer took that away plus my breasts. Along with that went any sense of trust in my body. Living a healthy lifestyle for years apparently did no good. So I totally get what you're saying. Lily, I so hope you can hang in there until you can get reconstruction. It's not perfect. Far from it. But it helps. At least I have a normal profile in clothes and don't feel like I want to hide. Catlady, it is hard to get out of bed sometimes.
I got thrown for a loop last night. When I got home from work, my husband told me that the husband of a friend of mine had died very suddenly and unexpectedly. Not only do I feel awful for my friend, but it scares the crap out of me because he was about the same age as my husband and seemingly healthy. I could be the one arranging a funeral right now. My husband doesn't take care of himself so I worry. Not that taking care of oneself is any guarantee as I found out with my own health, but it seems to have more of an effect with heart disease than cancer. I think my friend's husband had a heart attack from what we heard happened.
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I had to call an agent in my office this morning about a client. This agent had throat and tonsil CA last year. As happens we got to talking about the things that we do and CA. Yesterday I could not remember how to work my windshield washers. DUH. Lack of Estrogen strikes again. I have been feeling crappy for a couple of days. I shared with him some of the ways I have been feeling and he asked my opinion about calling a female friend of his who recently was diagnosed with BC and her dog just died. He was concerned but doesn't want to be a pest. I gave him my thoughts and he like them. He also shared some of his thoughts about how he feels that having breast cancer is harder than lung. throat or other cancers because of the area of the body that is changed due to cancer and how we see the changes every day. He is so right. I hate looking in the mirror. I have one F boob C boob. Radiation did a # and I feel betrayed by my body. On the bright side after our conversation I felt so much better. I helps to talk with someone who has walked the path of the disease even if it is a different part of the body. The stress of the disease, the unknowns, and and learning to live with our new "normal" take sharing with people who have had to deal with Cancer.
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LIfe is a gift, no matter the quality. Many would fight for what we have today. It beats the alternative..... Love you all
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I come on this thread so I don't have to listen to "life is a gift, suck it up". I value my life; I just want a place that is safe to share frustration. No disrespect intended redhead, truly. This road can be rocky as you know. I'm thankful to have a road to travel ~ I just really value being able to have the hearts, ears and eyes on this thread that understand the rocks that we all maneuver around ~ over and under. Love you women so much.
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Purl51, Share away. Get your thoughts out. It can help you move down that new road.
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I think this picture says what we need to do. We don't need to suck it up we need to.........
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Oh 2tabbies, that's so funny, the 'teapot' man is very near to where I live, this weather is unusual for Britain and we are not used to it at all, so it's been big news. Lily no just power cuts for 3 days. 2tabs, my scars from the Diep (abdo) are really tight. What can be done then to ease that horrid feeling?
Catlady, oh the # ribs sounds so very painful. Do you think an x ray might be a good idea to find out why it is happening? I heard about that pharmacist, how absolutely dreadful for you all.
SmartassS, Watching trash tv is good, it sounds like you have had a really tough time too. I don't know much about expanders but they have always sounded to me like they really ought to hurt.
BB - I totally get what you say and I do wonder how to get out of 'existence' mode and into some joy, but I can't seem to do that. It feels too big.. I do hope you can manage to eat something small, but you are right it is all too stressful at times.
Brutersman, the agent sounds like a very thoughtful chappy and I am glad you felt brighter having shared how it is for you now, I am sure CA throat was no walk in the park either... I like your Snoopy.
Purl55. I agree entirely with your thoughts, this place is about being heard when it gets particularly tough. I know I am good compared to others, but at times it does not feel so, I wish i could make it so, but I cannot and still feel so bewildered about the whole ca experience. Still reeling, I don't know if that is normal 3 years having passed but I cannot and will not deny how I feel. I still feel so 'stuck'.
Lily, how are you? I know you too felt so low a few weeks ago.
I so wish we could all meet for coffee/wine. Wouldn't that be so nice?
Where you got to JulieHo?
Here is my home. xx
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I called my onc about these broken ribs and he wants to do a full body bone scan to see if there's any bone cancer. WTF?! He says it's unlikely, but the fact that it's likely at all is terrifying. I read my bone density scan results and it said I have severe osteopenia and that my risk of fracture is moderate to high. Right now I'm just trying not to think about hearing the C word again.
Red headed - I am very grateful to be alive. I'm also feeling destroyed at the same time. It's just a real jumble of emotions right now.
Lily - my therapist told me I have to fight the post treatment depression, etc. just like I fought cancer. It feels like the post treatment stuff is much harder though! My thoughts and prayers are with u!
It's a huge comfort to read everyone's posts even though I wish none of us felt this turmoil. I don't feel so alone in this mess.
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Dee2010 - a psychiatrist is a MD and can prescribe medication. A psychologist does talk therapy, but can't prescribe meds. If someone else has already explained the difference, just ignore this. Takes a while to look over everyone's posts to see if anyone else has mentioned this. I'd love to hear how the psychiatrist works out!
Lily - I'm going out on a limb here, outing my past some, but I felt like I needed to say this. I've been suicidal in my past and I checked in to a psych hospital. They saved my life. No one wants to be locked up, but there are times when it's the only alternative. Mental illness runs in my fam and I've seen a lot of people end up in the hospital. I've also worked in the mental health field so I've seen a lot of bad things. Please just keep venting. It really does help!
It kind of cracks me up to see how many people apologize for their rants. I apologize for that all the time so I'm just glad I'm not the only ranter on here!
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Wintersocks sorry I have been quiet. I have been checking in still and reading post but just feeling so down and like I have nothing to contribute.
I feel so ashamed of struggling this much 3 1/2 years later. I had six surgeries and the last two were my DIEP which went well and I felt really good from this past summer and then all my anxiety about reoccurrence returned. I just had a bone scan and brain MRI and nothing cancerous showed up. Some weird shit on my MRI and arthritis but no cancer. And for some reason this news just left me blah.
I read about Dunesleepers passing and Redhead's remark that we need to practice being grateful to be alive and I agree but feeling down and like I have no idea who I am, what I want or what is next makes me just feel shittier because I don't feel gratitude when I know I should.
I am grateful to not feel all alone with these feelings and thoughts. I hate that all of us are suffering emotionally, physically and spiritually but it does help to not feel alone. I sometimes wonder if chemo wrecked my brain and it just won't be the same again.
I truly love all of you for your honesty, virtual hugs and emotional connection. I have no idea what I would do without these boards and connections.
Sending love and am deeply grateful to all of you. Ah, I do have gratitude! 😁
Julieho
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JulieHo - we are on same timeline BC wise......there are no SHOULDS between us only from the outsiders who have never had cáncer so cannot understand its a hard road to walk.....................but here is to a happier and healthier 2016 for ALL of us......
CAtlady THANK YOU so much, I am ok ish now, pre Winter solstice is my most vulnerable time, always has been don´t know why, I find all th cruelty to animals really hard to bear too and as I am involved in it then I don´t get to avoid it, but I am exercising a lot more again.......and always feel better when I do that, have focused on getting a few cupboards organised and throwing out clothes so do feel a bit more on top of things but in 30 minutes that could change!!!
THank you to everyone for being here in 2015...............xxxxxx
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My Dear Friends,
Thank you for being there in 2015. Here's to all - that we might find health, happiness, peace in 2016
'Happy New Year' from Yorkshire
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Fair warning - mini rant (?) coming up.
My three cancer Dx were just before Xmas, my false alarms were before Xmas, my parents died around Xmas. This year was my five-year anniversary since my last IBC treatments. To get away from it all and have a little celebration, my DH and I went to a B&B between Xmas and New Years.
One of my host's best friends died of cancer, so I did some grief therapy with her. I'm glad I had the experience and was able to support her, but where do I go to get away from this cancer for a while???
Promise I will take the time to read through recent posts and catch up with everyone's stories soon. I briefly saw flooding on TV in the US and in Britain - I hope everyone is safe!
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Dee - its nigh on impossible to get away from b....y cáncer, if not someone you know, its an advert for fund raising on TV or someone who knows someone etc etc......
Christmas is a real trigger point for me, especially since diagnosis, so glad we can now all move on from all the fake jollity, all and any one of us can change our lives and make resolutions any time we like, all this New Year resolution is more commercialism in my cynical little mind.......
xx
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I have a hard time with animal abuse stories too! I quickly change the channel when those stories or commercials come on. I've actually ran out of a room with my fingers in my ears singing, LA LA LA so I can't hear it! I'm a weirdo! 😄 I usually go find my rescue cat, pick her up and love on her when that happens. My stepkid works at a shelter adopting animals out. I have to avoid her FB page sometimes!
I wish I could move to a farm and adopt all the neglected and homeless animals! I would also love to hoard wiener dogs and goats. Anyone want to join me? LOL
I'm goofy on painkillers today. I haven't mentally cracked...... yet! My broken rib is really hurting today.
Happy New Year everybody! I love you all! Here's to hoping this year goes better than the last! I was in treatment the whole last year.
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