Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
Comments
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julieho,
Congratulations on getting your port out! That is a relief, I know. Just having that little lump is a constant reminder of surgery, etc.
My scar from the port has almost totally faded (I had mine out in April).
I'm hoping that the post mastectomy symptoms resolve soon.
Hugs,
Peggy0 -
PeggySull, just need an address and I'll be over for Biscotti and Coffee.
Hugs crdr. Thanks for your words and a reminder to do things that we enjoy in life. Now let's see....what were they again?
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I haven't posted for a bit as life seemed back to the usual. I had energy and projects and all was well. I didn't know what to say and didn't want to appear all happy. Isn't that ridiculous? It probably would have been better to say things are going well, but I didn't want to make anyone who wasn't feeling up feel bad. The only thing is... what goes up, must come down. I'm not depressed, but the energy and drive I had subsided. There wasn't anything bad that happened, just regular life events. I know that everything always seems to work out, so I made sure not to waste time obsessing about little things. Still, this sort of flat feeling came about anyway.
I've gone through many ups and down in my life and this flat feeling has happened before. It doesn't surprise me, but I hate the feeling of quiet. It's a lonely feeling even when there are people all around. It's a lost feeling even when I'm not headed anywhere. I've tried to get a few things done and take care of everyday tasks, but sometimes I have to really push myself to make the phone call I need to or buy the new item I have to.
Also, I try to not talk about what hurts physically for the same reason as others... I don't want to seem like a hypochondriac either. Anytime I mention something hurts, my husband will tell me that it just replaced that last thing that hurt. I had hand surgery 4 weeks ago on two fingers and my thumb. My hand was wrapped for a week and 2 weeks ago, the stitches came out. The area is still swollen and sore, but I mostly tell him that it's feeling better. He seems happy when I tell him whatever it is that was hurting feels better. Last night I mentioned that it seemed strange that everything that has physically bothered me in the past couple of years seems to be on the left side. My cancer was on the left, but he thinks it's just a coincidence. Since I have mild lymphedema on my breast and back area, I think there is an issue with my lymph system on that side. I can't do anything about it or even prove it, but I don't think it's a coincidence. I was the picture of health in May 2011. I worked out, ate right and kept my body looking good, but having cancer really messed up my body in so many ways. Having had instant menopause at 46 changed my entire body. I am now 49 and sad that all those years of being healthy and fit aren't reflecting the same on me. I feel dumpy and it's hard to shake this feeling.0 -
Hi Rocky. I think you are very brave to be pretending like things that hurt do not hurt. When I hurt, pretty much everybody hears about it. LOL. I'm just not the suffer in silence type.
I sure am sorry about your hand. I'm sure that created quite a few challenges, especially the week it was wrapped. That's when we learn all the things we never realized we use that hand for. Right?
It's not fair that you were taking such good care of yourself and yet you get hit by the big C at such a young age. I was not taking very good care of myself the 10 years prior to the discovery of my cancer. I can think of numerous things I did that created the conditions for cancer to take hold.
Now, living with my mother, I am starting to slip back to those old ways. I hardly touched sugar until I got here. She has candy everywhere. So I nibbled. Then my sweet tooth took over. Now I have to try to break this sugar addiction. Also, I have not been exercising. I have not moved all my stuff here, so my Wii is still at my house. I was using Wii Sports to exercise. It gave me a good workout, especially the tennis.
Oh well. I'm rambling. I just wanted to say something to sort of hold your hand. You know?0 -
Rocky, one of the most frustrating things for me about the last couple of years is that recovery was not linear. I'd have a great day, a bad week, a few good days, a couple of great weeks, declare myself All Better, then not be able to get up off the couch for two days. There was no pattern to it. I even tried keeping logs of what I did, ate, drank, how much I slept, etc., and ended up with these very scientific looking dot graphs that revealed absolutely nothing.
New people join this group regularly...I think posting when we DO start to feel better is important. We will all eventually graduate from having had cancer, but those of us in this group seem to be in the slow class.
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cfdr, rockym - thank you for your post.
I too have felt that this is very much a roller coaster ride. Some days I feel quite strong and like my life has returned and other days are really hard. I remind myself that life can be like this for everyone, it was like that sometimes before I had cancer...but, I think for those of us who went through breast cancer it is clearer what is making us feel down or physically in pain now.
What is hardest for me is not adding insult to injury, so to speak to this. I tend to be hard on myself when I wake up so sore or down that I just want to stay in bed all morning or have a day where I just stay home.
I have been told that we should at a minimum give ourselves a year after all treatment and surgery is done to really take care of ourselves, meaning not beating ourselves up for having the feelings or physical pain and discomfort that we still experience. I don't think this means in a year from now I will magically be "better" but I think it takes time to heal, grieve and trust our bodies again.
Like so many of you I felt great when I was diagnosed, I actually was having a really good year, was working on a film I made about work I do for a non-profit in South Sudan and had traveled there that winter, I had lost those extra 25 lbs I had been carrying around for a bunch of years and had pretty much gotten through the depression I had experienced after my father died the year before. It was a week before my youngest son was graduating high school - all of my older kids who range in age from 24 - 31 and live scattered around the country were coming home to be here for his graduation and BAM - after a routine mammogram I am diagnosed with cancer at age 53 - the same year my mother was diagnosed with her first breast cancer.
You probably all know how very important this discussion thread is. So many of you talk about how hard it is to explain the place we are in now to our family and friends. Those of us who were fortunate enough to have great support during our treatment and surgeries know that it is hard to not feel like I am not a disappointment now because I don't feel good every day. Because both the physical, emotional and psychological pain is still very real and very prominant on some days.
Rockym - we are blessed when we have a period of time that goes by where we feel good again. I agree it is important to share those times too. I gives me hope and affirms my own experience of it not being all bad all the time.
Thank you again - everyone for being here.
Take care,
Julieho0 -
Cfdr - I totally agree with what you said about the recovery being 'not linear'. I'm feeling pretty great these days but I check into this thread regularly cus I feel it's where I belong.
I guess it's like being in AA. I may not feel like having a meltdown right now, but it's never really off the table. So I'm just enjoying the good days, and am promising not to be hard on myself when the day comes where I just want to crawl under my duvet with a bottle of red wine and and a copy of 'The Notebook'.
Here's my silver lining from having gone through my post-treatment roller coaster. I am a lot less judgmental than I used to be. At work, it's easy just to write someone off for being an arsehole - (which I still do, cus they often are) but I'm also very aware that I don't know the whole story, and one's behaviour is not necessarily who they are. I feel kinder in my heart. And I no longer feel the need to keep up appearances of being totally in control. I may or may not fall apart on any given day, but I've learned acceptance, and to ask for what I need.
Rocky - It's really good to hear from you, happy or not happy. I'm glad you've had ups and it's good that you can come here to share your downs. That whole left side/right side thing is odd, but I agree that one side of our body can be more susceptible than the other, for sure.
So your husband thinks you're a hypochondriac? And that you replace the last thing that hurt with something else? Well - tell you're husband that he's right. Tell him that if he's the last thing that hurt you, so he will be replaced.
Jut kidding of course, but men can be such a pain in the ass.0 -
Rock, that is a great name to have. Rock. lol
Your story, getting the cancer at the EXACT age your mother did, drives home the point that we really don't have all that much control over what happens. I have struggled with this. I think part of me wants to think I had something to do with it so that I can now make sure I won't let it happen again But that's an illusion, I know. My mother found a 2 cm lump at age 65. I found a 2.4 cm lump at 61. I'm not at all like my mother in so many ways. I'm heavy, she was always thin. I had 3 kids and breast fed. She had one and didn't. We lived in different parts of the country for decades and had very different diets. But thinking it's just the genes takes away all control, all choice. I think a lot of the PR about disease in general makes us think we have more control than we do. But of course there are ways to help.
My husband had his first heart attack at 63. His father had his first at 53. We went to Mayo and the head of cardiology looked at his chemistries and said "I know what gene you have. We're trying to fix it. When we do you can eat whatever you like. Until then, you are not like other people and you MUST stay away from certain things."
The genes...maybe that's what the ancients meant when they spoke of "Fate" or "Destiny"?0 -
I had lunch with a friend this week who does data analysis for clinical trials (she is also a BC survivor). I was telling her about my experience with ritalin, how being on it for a week seemed to "reboot my brain" even though it makes absolutely no sense why it should (or could) do that. She said that in clinical trials, there are often a few people who have completely idiosyncratic reactions. There are so many different factors of genetics, environment, behavior, diet, other drugs, etc., that you can never predict with 100% certainty how any individual is going to react to any drug.
I think that applies to life in general, too. There are always tales of the chain smoking alcoholic that lives to 90, or the marathon runner that drops dead of a heart attack at 47. When we adopt good habits--exercise, meditation, eating our vegetables, whatever--we may tip the scales in a positive direction, but there are never any guarantees.
I'm reminded of a novel I read where the protagonist goes back in time and tries to save the life of Jimi Hendrix. He succeeds in keeping Jimi from overdosing, but then Jimi gets hit by a bus. He goes back again, prevents both of those, but something else kills Jimi. He finally has to face that it was just Jimi's time to die, and the fates will circumvent any attempt to interfere.
Julie--when I was feeling guilty about being fatigued, I realized that I was making myself miserable by refusing to enjoy myself. If I was too tired and foggy to focus, sitting with my computer and reading the news or poking around on facebook felt like I wasn't *too* far away from work...I was just taking a mental break...at any moment I could open another window and start doing something productive. But if I closed the laptop and picked up a novel, then I was admitting that I was not even going to make the attempt. That's when I would feel "lazy". But sometimes rest and relaxation are what we need in order to heal.
I had to remind myself that I wouldn't be lying on the sofa forever. When I had a good day and was getting stuff done, I'd make a mental note that yes, when I have the energy, I get off the sofa and get to work. But if I didn't have the energy, my #1 job was to listen to my body and allow it to rest and heal. And it was OK to enjoy a novel or a video while that was going on.
There's an old-fashioned word: "convalescence". That's what we require...a long convalescence.0 -
cfdr,
So funny you should use the word "convalescence." Last week when I was being hard on myself, my therapist was saying we need to get back to understanding the meaning of convalescence--a period of time (length unknown) needed to recuperate the body, emotions, mental faculties, and spirit--after a serious illness...I was never a patient person and BC treatment forced me into being patient by its very nature...you can't make chemo go faster, e.g.
But now that active treatment is over I am faced with my own impatience again. I expect to be my old self with the same levels of energy, focus, tolerance,...even though my logical mind says this is unlikely.
My 43 year old daughter, who was so nice to me during treatment, is back to being snarky, my husband doesn't take off work to take care of me, I don't get encouraging notes in the mail. The whole world treats me like I should be my old me, no wonder I have those expectations of my self!
At 12:30 on Saturday I'm still in my pjs and feeling guilty about that. I take a day or two off from exercise and feel guilty about that. Then I get angry at all the new supplements I'm taking on the chance they'll help prevent recurrence, even though they were my idea after I did my research. I'm tired of my 1 inch hair that seems unwilling to grow.
Well, I'm beginning to rant a little too long here. Thanks anyone who listened.
Hugs,
Peggy0 -
PeggySull,
Rant away - that is what I like about this group. We can come here and share what is really going on.
Take care,
Julieho0 -
I live in my nightgown..always. Only get dressed when required to ie to go out. With all of our discomforts why add to it by wearing clothes?
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I totally agree Timbuktu!0 -
Thanks ladies for the kind words. I really felt like I had to get those emotions out the other night. It's the one step forward, two steps back syndrome. I'm trying to focus on the positive things. When I was feeling up, I made a lot of changes around the house. I got rid of many old items and replaced them with new and I took care of so many things. I was helping my kids (my son is 15 and daughter is 11) get their stuff on track too. Once all was done, I was left with nothing of importance to take care of. It's strange, but if I don't have anything important to take care of or something to fix or analyze, my mind goes flat. My chemo brain is so prevalent when things are just calm and cruising along, but when something important comes up, I feel like I am back to being focused and sharp.0 -
Rockym, I totally get this syndrome! Feel a little energetic, do a bunch of stuff thinking I'll feel calm and relaxed after, then just feel antsy as heck. Felt this on Friday and ended up taking in a stray little cat I found on my doorstep. Interesting......she does that "kneading" thing with her paws really gently (before she falls asleep) right on my mastectomy scar leading into my left armpit. My very own lymphatic masseur!
Hugs/love to all you wonderful ladies or "my peeps" as I most gratefully consider you.
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Purl - That is very cool about the little cat. Lucky little creature. I have two cats and a dog, and one of my cats is only 5 pounds, and I love it when she crawls on me. The animals will never disappoint.0 -
Ok friends,
I have written once and lost it all cos my puter froze. I will try again. I am out of the hospital having had my post bi lateral salpingo oophrectomy. I am well, bit of pain but otherwise ok. But I feel very upset and here is why. My partner is tight with money. Always has been. I have always paid my way even though I am not working. For example on admission to hospital I always pay the car park charges and did on these 2 occasions. I asked him to get me a bit of shopping, pads cause I am bleeding, and a few other 'treats' and I always give him the money. Once my son was selling an iphone on ebay and my partner would only help him negotiate the whole thing if he 'took a cut' which he duly did. my partner is working, has no kids, rents out 2 houses. I just do not understand how he can be so short to have to take money from my child!!! I always pay for my own dinner if we go out and frequently pay for his to say thank-you for other things, he helps with (like fixing stuff).
Well, this morning he went to work, leaving the heating off. It was so cold in his house. I did not get a shower. I asked him why he couldn't have left it on low. he said ' you didn't need it on you were in bed'. He said you could have put it on.but I somehow know that that is not allowed. He also told me he gets a shower when it is not on. There was no food left either. I am 4 days post op.
The thing is this has really bothered me (a lot) before. I consider myself a generous person when I can be and I don't like this behaviour. Once he bought me a really really cheap box of wine. It was so vile I had to chuck it.
I feel so vulnerable at the moment (have done since bc dx) that I don't feel able to tell him this is just not good enough for me.and finish it. I feel like bc and other illness has severely reduced my options in everything....
I feel so upset and confused and so sad.....0 -
winter, your feelings make perfect sense. Sometimes our options are not great. But I don't think this is the time to make decisions, although I can certainly understand your pain. Try your best to rest and recover right now, I can well imagine how hard that is. I took a xanax yesterday because I have my own issues with my husband and it allowed me to to sleep and when I woke up everything looked much brighter. Nothing had changed but I felt better so things went into their proper perspective. Now is the time to concentrate on you. Do whatever it takes to get through the next few weeks as peacefully as possible. I know how it feels to be so vulnerable and hurting and not feeling very loved. Love yourself. be kind to yourself. Rest and get well. ((((winter)))) it will get better!0 -
winter - turn the heating on and keep warm. Tightarse selfish cheapskate he is.
Give him options eg
I cannot get out to shop so i either need you to shop for me, to order online for supermarket home delivery, or order in ready made meals from Wiltshire foods, or order in home delivery takeaways, which do you prefer?
You deserve better but glad you not in too much pain.
Xx0 -
wintersocks, your partner is a first class revolving SOB, but then of course you know that. So sorry to see you have such a loser for a partner. Can't believe he let you be cold and unable to shower. As far as what he did to your son, what the hell?I despise misers of any variety. They are miserable human beings.
My heart goes out to you.0 -
yeay agree honeybair but right now i guess you need TLC from someone winter , rooting for you0 -
Good Afternoon, Ladies -
I came upon this thread and hope it's okay for me to chime in. I finished my treatment two months ago today and the emotions since have taken me by surprise. At first it was hard because I didn't end up losing my eyebrows and eyelashes until the very end. I was all done with chemo and yet everyday there was less and less of me in the mirror. I struggled more with that than the loss of my hair. I felt like I was becoming invisible and didn't know who that old, scarred woman was in the mirror. Luckily, that part rebounded quickly and I now have both eyebrows and eyelashes again. I have never in 49 years died my hair, so seeing this dark/grey stubble on my head is not helping me regain my sense of self. However, I am not bald anymore, that is a good thing and having to shave both under my arms and legs this weekend gave me a sense of normalcy I haven't had in six months.
I am still struggling with sadness. It was so helpful to read that others are having bouts with it, too. I won't take anti-depressants because of the sexual side effects (thankfully, that part of me has remained relatively unchanged), so I just deal with it when it comes up. I wonder, too, if the Tamoxifen is partly to blame for the emotions.
I read through some of your posts about the implants not being your breasts. I refer to mine as "gel-paks" not breasts anymore. I have to admit, as much as I hated mine, I do miss them. I miss my husband being able to touch their softness and the way they made me feel womanly and sexy. These firm round circles on my chest do not make me feel sexy. However, looking better in my clothes, does. I try to focus on the positive, but then I step out of the shower and have to see my reflection in the mirror.
I don't mean to seem shallow, I am not all about my appearance. In fact, it's just the opposite. I am the kind of woman who wears little make-up, no real hair style and looks in the mirror on my way out of the bathroom in the morning and not again until I brush my teeth at night. I guess I look to my outside to reflect how I feel about me on the inside. Does that make sense?
I'm sorry....I seem to be rambling here. I just wanted you all to know how comforting it is to know I am not the only one who cries out of the blue, has no motivation to really do much and is trying to push myself to do what is good for me (eating right, exercising) without much success.
Thank you for listening,
Suzan0 -
wintersocks - You deserve to be treated better than this. He should treat you better, and you should treat yourself better. If you're going to date a cheapskate - don't enable him or live by his rules. I think it wold have been totally appropriate to turn the heat on in his house, without asking. Forgiveness is easier than permission. Just because he wants to freeze his ass off doesn't mean that you have to.
Of course you feel vulnerable, because you are vulnerable, and maybe it's not the right time to make tough decisions. But - do you see yourself with him in five years, or ten years ? Is he just a distraction, or is he someone you can lean on, and who will watch you back.
Personally, I think any man with a heart and a back bone should be filling the fridge, covering you with blankets, and asking what you need to be comfortable. That is what you do when you care about someone. I don't think you should settle for anything less.
You've been through a lot. At this point in your life and your healing it would wonderful if you could surround yourself with people who care about you, will put you first, and cause you no stress. I know that you've got some good friends, and you've got yourself. But I don't think he's up to the task.0 -
My treatment was a a little different then yours however I can tell you how I beat the crying.. My doctor suggested IV vitamins (Vitamin C, and lots of Bs etc) & B12 shots.. I was literally crying when I arrived for the appointment, crying in the chair.. then within mins of the IV II was smiling.. it lasted 2 days.. then next it lasted longer and I just kept going.. If you can't get an IV vit, or slow push - which takes shorter - I read you are busy :-), if you can't do either maybe a B12 shot will help.. When I do these I am the warrior.. It takes time, other won't understand, my other doctors don't understand.. but the results are undeniable. If you can't do any of those look for an Amino Acid portien shake and some good B vitamins.. I'm sorry you feel bad.0 -
Welcome Sebaroni,
You indeed fit in here. Much of your post made me feel like I was looking in a mirror. We all have PTSD to a greater or lesser extent since being diagnosed with BC and going thru treatment is a trauma. There is a period of convalescence we all need, and this includes healing body images, emotions, spirit as well as body.
Those who haven't had cancer cannot truly understand--the best of them believe we are still healing and support us. My husband is one of them. But once active treatment is over most of our supporters no longer have the physical reminders of chemo appointments, wig or scarf shopping, surgical recovery and almost weekly doctors' appointments.
So we listen to each other on these boards. I had a dream a few nights ago where my hair was its normal length but still had the chemo curls. I had just dyed it my normal brown color but was very ambivalent about having done this. The dream was so real I actually felt for this long curly hair when I awoke.
My non-dream hair has come in salt and pepper and is a little over 1 inch long 7 months post chemo. I too am not a beauty-obsessed person--often went without makeup and that last minute look in the mirror as I ran a brush through my hair dashing out the door.
Since my hair started growing back in I'm super aware of how short it is and how much it doesn't go with my body image. People complement me (even those that know nothing about my BC) on the color and style. But none of that goes into my self-esteem bank yet because I am still in shock about how BC continues to haunt even my hair. I want my straight brown chin length bob back just like I want my real sensate-filled breasts back.
I remember when the December 2012 chemo group on the chemo board obsessed about losing our hair before chemo. We knew this SE was coming and talked about it for weeks. Then, we lost our hair and became chemo warriors and little was said about hair because we were fighting so hard--hair was a luxury topic. The SEs from chemo, then the recovery from surgery, and reconstruction for some...
I'm rambling but I think our renewed (and at times melancholy) interest in our physical appearance is a sign we are trying to heal that part of ourselves. BC and BC treatment to some extent took away many choices temporarily. We fight to get more choices back.
Now we feel the effects of all that and more. We have the ambivalent luxury now that active treatment is over to feel our feelings about what has happened to us and are faced with the looming question of how to get back to some non-BC centered life while grieving our losses at the same time.
No wonder this forum topic is so active! No wonder we struggle!
Every time I check the board and see that someone has posted on this topic I know I will learn something from their post and I am grateful my strong sisters are here for this part of the journey as well.
Hugs,
Peggy0 -
Welcome Suzan,
I also joined this board relatively recently (three months ago) after struggling for months at the end of treatment and thinking there was seriously something mentally wrong with me for doing so.
Once I found this topic and read through all the post - and I mean I think I actually did read through all the post since it first began in 2012 by Rabbitt, I realized I wasn't alone in these feelings.
I am experiencing the one year anniversary of my chemo treatments this fall...it is incredible how I will some days wake up on a Sunday morning and remember the way I felt the Sunday following my chemo treatments. Last fall/winter I got two chemo drugs and herceptin every three weeks, a nulasta shot the following day and weekly herceptin doses in between. The Sunday following the chemo and nulasta was always my very worst day. I would wake in the early morning around 4 AM vomiting violently and have the runs. I felt as if someone had hit me with a bat the muscle and joint pain was so bad. After my second dosing of chemo and my doctors desperately trying to find better drugs to stop this response I went to a walk in clinic in the area that thank god has nurses who could access ports. I would get there at 9 AM, right when they opened and they had standing orders to give me two bags of IV fluids (I was very dehydrated), IV steroid and IV pain meds. I would be there for about 4 hours and then go home still feeling weak and lousey but the vomiting and severe pain had stopped. Last Sunday I woke up remembering this so vividly - and even though today, one year later I still have been bad joint/muscle/ligament pain (they don't seem to know exactly where the pain lies) in my large bones, hips, knees, pelvis and shoulders and I hobble about first thing in the morning until my leg muscles "kick in" I am light years better than where I was last year at this time.
That is physically speaking - and honestly I am better emotionally too than I was last fall at this time. I did "muscle through" my treatments last fall, but I also spent many days lying in bed in so much pain, nausea and discomfort looking at my bald head, my butchered breast implants and feeling utterly emotionally wrecked. I just hid that away from my kids, friends and family as best I could. My husband would see this person, and he was as compassionate and caring as could be, as were my dogs who surrounded me each and every day in my bed all fall and winter.
So now, here I am, with what everyone says is "such a cute haircut" - I always refer to it as a hair growth, (I can't stand my new hair but do love having hair again) looking better, stronger, more functional on the outside then I was last year but, inside there are too many days to count that I want to pull the covers up over my head, snuggle into the bed with my dogs surrounding me and "wait it out" like I did last fall. But, I no longer now know what exactly I am "waiting out." I am done treatment, I had the last remnant of my year and a half of four surgeries, chemo, herceptin and infections removed last week when they took out my port. I have residual stiffness, pain and the daily reminder of my implants but these are my life now - I don't believe much if anything I am feeling now will change....but I still feel like I am "waiting".
So many of you have taught me how you have done it, are doing it. I love the word convalescing, I like knowing I am not alone in these feelings post treatment. It makes me want to cry when I hear from some of you that your partners and loved ones are intolerant, or worse, just plain unable to see where you are today and don't show compassion, patience and love towards you. My husband is not a saint, he has always been a very work obsessed man who keeps his emotions tightly wound inside him and this has often been a source of difficulty for us throughout our 34 years of marriage. But, he has been incredible for me during this last year and a half. I worry that lately he is getting tired of seeing me in my pajamas until noon some days but, he has not let on if he is.
I think I take the cake for the longest post - sorry ladies, but I wanted Suzan to know that this group has been a life saver for me. Has helped me find a place in the world that I don't have to pretend, be strong, and can confess my new found love of wearing pajamas and pulling the covers up over my head throughout the day while I wait for something to happen - I have no idea what exactly that is...
I hear from so many of you that this is a process, it improves, changes, shifts with time and I plan on sticking around to see that happen.
Welcome Suzan and thanks again to all the rest of you for being here and understanding.0 -
Thank you Julie and Peggy for taking the time to respond. You have spoken directly to my heart. It has been such a struggle to find myself again and knowing you are there to identify touches me deeply. Like you Peggy, I too, have dreams about having hair. I long so desperately to have my red hair back. My support group buddies say it will come.... in a year or two. My husband keeps telling me how much he loves my salt and pepper look, but not me. I keep hoping for the curls, something to make me feel more feminine, I think. After eight weeks, it is about 1/4 inch or so long, my fingers are crossed for something "cute" by my birthday in April.
Emotionally, it is hard to be motivated. I have a part-time job I would love to quit, but I know that I would be bored without it. I just don't have the will to care about it, all that much. My husband has been wonderful and he knows how I feel inside. I do hide it from my daughters, though. Well, my oldest not as much as the younger one. I want them to see that their mom is okay and will be there for them. They were so supportive during treatment and sometimes I feel like just giving everyone else a break from my cancer.
I put on the brave face and march on. But what I really want is to crawl under the covers and cry. I'm not sure what I am crying about, though. I feel so blessed in many ways. This experience has made me see how much love I have in my life and how valuable I am to those in it. I had wonderful, caring doctors, amazing friends and no real horrible side effects. I made it through, my body is healing and my mind is fully functioning. I hate feeling sad when there is so much to be happy about.
I am going to start taking Yoga classes. My oldest loves Yoga and it has helped her tremendously with her anxiety disorder. The first class is tonight. I am looking forward to it.
Thank you for all your understanding,
Suzan0 -
Janet, and Timbuktu, and Lily
Janet what you describle is exactly how I wanted him to be ,with warmth, food. proper caring. Just like I do for my kids when they are ill, and as I would do for any one I cared about. It seems common sense to me that you would not leave anyone at 4 days post - op in a very cold house. Least not some one you are supposed to care about.....I mean you just wouldn't.
I did raise it with him last night about the 'cold' thing and he assured me I could put the heating on anytime. I just know that is not true. I know it would be frowned upon. I mentioned today that I thought him 'mean' that was just after I had paid for the coffee (Lol). He said no-one had ever said that about him before. I just don't believe that. He then did that 'thing', when he turned it to my 'problem' you know: 'well, it's because your ex was blah blah and you can't trust'. I think there is a term for that called 'gaslighting' after the film.: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
I know and trust my own feelings, on this one and here is the evidence. I know he took money from my child to sell a phone on ebay he said today ' to teach him how to do it/not expect others to do for him' - I thought for heaven's sake he was 14 and I had just been dx with cancer..... I know he bought the most awful box of wine, cos it was cheap. I think he wants me to doubt myself into thinking I have a 'emotional block' - But at age 52 I know ' mean' when I see it.
Timbuktu, I think you are right I must not make rash decisions, but it is so awful to be with some one who cannot/will not understand . it just drags me right down, on top of cancer . I can't do that. I know the relationship for me is not working. I just have not got the wherewithawl to get out of it at the present. I feel like I am drowining.............
Coming on here, gives me such strength to cope when it is so so tough. A big thank-you to all for that.
Seberoni - Hello and welcome to you, I know it is very hard, post dx, just check in here and we will listen.0 -
Wintersocks I guarantee the sky will not fall in even if he does secretly frown on you putting the heating on, just keep yourself warm and remind him he said it was fine, refuse to discuss it further. I am going to be very brutal in my next comment but you come across sometimes as not loving yourself enough or even at all (I know listen to me lol) and of you dont love yourself you give others permission not to. So PLEASE please take in our love and care and warmth for you and wrap it round you until it seeps in to all your cold and chilly places and then make a move when you know you can move to somewhere more comfortable, I am all clogged up today with stuff going on here (not with my OH) so not expressing myself very well but please give yourself a break and space, we all KNOW you are right in your assessment, he is behaving in a mean spirited cold hearted and harsh way........but please take in our love and warmth and use it to demand better care for yourself and trust you are right......xxxxx0 -
You all are so awesome.
Wintersocks, keep yourself warm and surround yourself with warm loving people. That's what I love about being able to share on this thread. We share the challenges of breast cancer and also know and embrace the fact that "physical part" is just a part of the ongoing emotional path we are on. Thank you. I needed to find this little article to remind myself to care for me now and always. I say..."Socks, crank that heat"! http://tinybuddha.com/blog/who-to-fall-in-love-with-first-6-ways-to-love-yourself/
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