Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
Comments
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You all are so awesome.
Wintersocks, keep yourself warm and surround yourself with warm loving people. That's what I love about being able to share on this thread. We share the challenges of breast cancer and also know and embrace the fact that "physical part" is just a part of the ongoing emotional path we are on. Thank you. I needed to find this little article to remind myself to care for me now and always. I say..."Socks, crank that heat"! http://creativespiritualwomen.com/how-to-love-yourself/
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I'm going to go take a vitamin pill right now!0 -
thank you ladies, I am back at home now, and my fire is on. Predictably, the 16yr old has left the place like a junk - yard.
I have told him he is to spend an extra night at hid Dad's, cos I am X with him!
Love to all and hope we are (mostly feeling ok)
WSx0 -
PeggySull - I too loved my chin length bob. I've had the same haircut since I was in 5 yr old kindergarten, and it is the one with which I identified. To prepare for chemo, I bought a fabulous chin length brown bob. My hairdresser gave it the finishing touches and when I wore it I felt like me. I felt very strongly that I wanted to preserve me me-ness.
After I finished chemo my hair grew back salt and pepper, and I looked like my grandpa. So I started wearing bandanas and I got a ton of compliments. People who didn't know me very well thought I was 'brave' & 'feisty' and 'rocking the head scarves'. Basically they attributed a lot of things to my personality that had nothing to do with who I am. So much of what they thought of as 'courage' was just survival. And of course they had no idea of the wild roller-coaster of emotions that went way beyond the way that I look.
My hair grew a bit more and I dyed it brown - and felt much more like myself. As it kept growing I would have it trimmed and after about a year, it started to look like a hairstyle. It's still short - and I love it! I look at my old photos and I see mostly hair, and lots of bangs. I plan on keeping it short actaully. I love not having hair in my face and without planning, I've subtly changed the way I dress. I don't really like change - but I've really enjoyed playing with scarves, and earrings that never used to be seen.
Ironically, my best features were my hair and my boobs. (I shamelessly admit that I had a fantastic rack!) Now my boobs and hair are both very different. I used to really hang on to everything that felt like me, because I was desperate to stay in control and not be perceived as cancer-y. The first year after treatment was an emotional mine field and I couldn't get a grip on who I was, or how I was feeling. But I feel pretty solid in my core these days, and I love my new hair, and have accepted my new boobs (I had DIEP) and my sometimes puffy arm that I have from LE.
So for you and Julie, and Suzan, and anyone new struggling with emotions and identity - so much of what you're feeling right now is temporary. I can almost promise that the way you are feeling today is not the way you will feel three months from now, or even this weekend. It's always changing and rebuilding. I felt like a house of cards for the longest time, but finally feel like I won't blow over. (Just sometimes)
Take Care,
Janet0 -
My Wig.
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Janet,
Almost everytime I read your post I burst into tears. Not because you don't provide a message of hope, change and transformation, but probably because you do...and it is described honestly.
Your stating that Suzan and I are struggling with emotions and identity nailed it. I have honestly had identity issues most of my life. I have very successful siblings, both have big careers and have both risen to the top of their careers. I took a different path, raised five children, (two of which we adopted as older children), have almost exclusively worked as a volunteer my whole life, volunteered as an EMT on an ambulance service, worked in schools, school boards, non-profits etc. As I have had plenty of time to reflect upon my life this past year I don't have any big regrets. I had a busy, full life. But, now I feel so lost and stupidly think "if only" I had a career I could show up to each day now I wouldn't feel so lost. If only there was a way to suit up, put on my make-up, fix to the best of my ability this short little pixie hair I have and go out into the world and have a place to be, a role to play I would be happy, or at least functional.
I also know this really doesn't work yet for me, it may eventually, but right now it hasn't. I still have my non-profit work and occasionally have functions to go to for that, I still sit on a few boards that I have to "show up" for and I accept invites with friends, not as much as I used to, but sometimes, to go for hikes, dinner, outings. And the problem for me right now is when I show up for these, with my make-up on, hair "styled" as best I can with what I've got, I succeed in fooling everyone that I am myself, I am all better now, everyone "loves" my short hair, tells me I look wonderful I look and isn't it great to be done with everything. I hear that so much. How great it is to be done.
And then I come home, strip off the make-up, wake up on days like this with the shades drawn, my husband out of town, my five dogs strewn about my bed with my hair seriously sticking straight up at angels I honestly thought only hair gel could achieve. I awake each day with a tightness in my foobs, numb feet and hands that can barely turn the door handle when I first wake up and a sense that I have NO idea who this woman is. Where is my fight, determination or even just my ability to wake up, suit up and face the day as it is.
The tears started to flow when you promised me and Suzan that much of what I am feeling right now is temporary...and that it is not the way I will feel three months from now. Thank you so much for extending this hand of hope my way. On days like this, shades drawn, dogs tucked in piles around me in bed I am so grateful for your words.
With gratitude and a small measure of hope....
Julieho0 -
Julie, your post shocked me. When you say that your siblings are successful and at the top, and then you described your life, I thought you had it upside down! Raising 5 children? Two adopted? Volunteer work to make this a better world? I can't imagine a more "successful" life! I am in awe of YOU, not your siblings. Your life is filled with meaning and purpose. You must know that but you are left questioning it as we all do when we don't do what the culture tells us to do. YOU are my hero!0 -
Julie, I found your post inspiring. I share a lot of your challenges, but in reading about yours I know you will get better, and so will I. I am full of hope for us all.0 -
Julie, I too hold on to the words that this is temporary. That's how I got through chemo and the rest. It's harder now because I don't have the same "chemo end date" that was specific. I want some doc to give me a date when the post treatment fatigue, sadness, anger, lack of motivation, etc. will end. Give me a date, any date and I feel energized to each it.
I know no one can give me that date. I feel so tired and tearful today and yesterday. Am being treated for a sinus infection and that doesn't help.
I've decided, with support of my husband, not to go back to my stressful career. Means more money worries but incredibly less stress. I am 62 and have been working since I was 15. It's a relief not to have to work in that dysfunctional setting. So, why am I so sad?
My psychiatrist once told me that antibiotics can have a depressant effect. I'm hoping once I'm through the full prescription I will feel a little better.
Right now I just feel so lost and alone.
Hugs,
Peggy0 -
Peggy, Susannah and Timbuktu,
You are all my proof that we are in fact not all alone. Peggy, that is what is so amazing about bringing my feelings to all of you - they are recognized, and validated and we also all remind one another that they are not permanent.
This too will pass - in the meantime I can't thank all of you enough for all your post, support and love and wish you all back the same.
Julieho0 -
Good Evening Ladies -
Thank you Janet for your words of hope and Julie for saying the things I, too, want to say. Trying to find myself again...I see little bits here and there. Today I worked. I thought I was okay, but sitting at my desk among all the clutter left there while I was on leave, trying to get a handle on what needed to be done, I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety. I almost lost it at about 10:30am. I held it together and took it one piece of paper at a time. I knew the bank statement (I am a bookkeeper for a mystery book publisher) was going to be an issue. The people doing some of my work, were clueless. But I "fixed" it the best I knew how and moved on. I think that is what I am doing with myself. Wearing more make-up than I am accustomed to doing, trying to buy new clothes that fit my post-BC body and acting for the world like I am back to normal. If one more person tells me how good I look, I am going to scream! Not that I don't appreciate the compliment, but the way I look is not how I feel. My hair is not "so cute." It is just "growing in." I try to fix the outside hoping through osmosis I will feel whole again. I hope I feel different three months from now.
I was trying to explain to an old friend, today, that losing my eyebrows and eyelashes was devastating for me. It was way worse than losing my hair. It all happened at the end, after all the doctors have said goodbye, the constant attention and care was over and I saw a blank face in the mirror in the morning without my glasses. I felt like I was disappearing more and more each day. No one warned me about that. It's better now, but for a while it was just awful.
Julie and Peggy, I feel your emotions. Thank you ladies for being there and understanding.
Suzan0 -
sebaroni, you made me laugh with recognition. Yes, everyone says "You look so great!" I never know what to say. I guess they expect to see a corpse so they are relieved. that's the feeling I get. I wish I felt great.0 -
I've been reading everyone's posts this week but too busy to comment...but what wonderful conversations to read. It's inspiring to see how much hope and comfort is so freely and joyfully given.
I had a day this week that was all focused on cancer, cancer, cancer..but in a very different way. The local newspaper interviewed me about how I managed to hold on to my business through cancer. Then, I went for a meeting at a cancer support center where I do some pro bono work. I go back on Monday to talk to them about a possible (part-time) job! And a friend is setting up a meeting with another cancer support center about possibly doing some work for them.
Truly never thought that cancer would have any silver lining for making a living...but there they are, three tiny glimmers of silver.
I went for a hike yesterday, and pushed myself too far...spent the rest of the afternoon/evening on the sofa. But that is getting to be more and more the exception in my life, not the daily rule. And I'm still a waste in the evenings; I mostly sit around and watch TV or read, anything that is escapist and requires zero mental or physical energy. But I have my days back. I feel like this is me sitting at my desk, not some brain-addled sloth.
Instead of saying "I'm still dealing with fatigue from my cancer treatment" I hear myself saying "I had really bad fatigue for 20 months after chemo".
Twenty months. Almost two years. OVER two years when you figure in the 8 months of treatment that preceded it.
But it was a finite number. I may not be 100%, but I'm a functional human being again.
Have faith in yourselves...and in the wonderful healing that time brings. You will get there! You WILL feel better!0 -
cfdr - Thank you for your inspiring note. Wow, it sounds like real progress and that gives me hope for today and the tomorrow's yet to come.
I awoke today and made a promise to myself that I would get up, suit up and get back out into the world.
On my way now...but wanted to thank you first for your post. 😘0 -
Yes, I really needed that post this morning and I thank you! Especially the part about what you read. For the five years prior to cancer I was in a Great Books program. I loved every minute. It was something I'd wanted to do all of my life. Since breast cancer...sigh. Just last night I told my husband that I was giving up. I'm reading Johnny Carson's memoir and then I will read Linda Ronstadt's. Escapism, easy drivel. My brain just isn't what it was and it's no fun forcing it.
At the moment I'm having new problems. It's hard to tell what is new and what is old. What is causing what. The fatigue, the fogginess, is it a left over from chemo? Is it from anastrazole? Or is it something new? I guess time and tests will tell.
But thanks again for that wonderful post. The trick is to keep thinking positive and that it will all pass with time.0 -
Julieho - I think your achievements are outstanding.
Suzan - I felt the same way as you about eyelashes and eyebrows. It was the last straw. Lipstick was the only thing that prevented me from looking like a giant thumb.
PS Julieho - Having a place to go in the morning didn't make things any easier. Nor door you walk through will give you purpose when you're uncomfortable in your own skin. When I went back to work I felt like I was wearing someone else's clothes, and taking someone else's phonecalls. Plus, I just didn't care about work. All I could think about was my health, my family and friends, and the chance to go somewhere beautiful. Perhaps your siblings have more power suits than you, but given the choice, I would prefer women with five kids, five dogs, a donkey and some very cool jobs, over a CEO any day of the week.0 -
Janet_M - "A Giant Thumb" ~ you made me snort really loud at work in front of coworkers ~ again!!
Love you ladies.
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Janet, I so agree with Purl - the "giant thumb" - priceless. So good to laugh. Which reminds me - I have really been enjoying reading your blog.
Thanks all of you for all the messages - I am so very lucky to have found this group.
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Well I'm finally going to post here after reading through a ton of messages. I am lost. I am 13 months out from diagnosis and been given the all clear to mark one year on October 24. I had to laugh when I read the comment about people telling you how great you look. I just want to respond "yes but I feel like s--- a lot"! I really do. I am 44 and a happily married mother of three beautiful kids (ages 6, 6, and 9). I am a former lawyer who stays home with the kids while my lawyer-husband puts on the suit and goes to work each day. But I am lost. I don't know which way is up and I don't know where to start somedays. I told my husband I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. His response is "you're doing it - you're raising three kids". But to be honest, the kids make me crazy most days. I can't handle the fighting, the mess, the chaos. I am on Wellbutrin (have been for years since the first time the kids made me crazy) and I really wanted to try to go off of it but now is clearly not the time. I tried to go off of it last year and then turned around and got diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. I have a lovely home, a great cat, wonderful friends and here I am crying or wanting to cry all the time. I've been giving myself a break from working out (I used to work out 5 times a week and now managed twice this week) because I am so damn tired. I am lucky that I am able to hire a cleaning lady who is going to come in and help me clean up a year's worth of mess and disorganized clutter. So I'm seeing where the issues are and trying to address them but it is all JUST SO MUCH. I feel like a whole year went by and I missed it.
Today I woke up sad and realized quickly that everyone was moving along without me - the girls and my husband were going to skating. I decided to bag makeup and hair and pulled on a hat and my winter coat and took my oldest to Starbucks. He's a wonderful little guy who was really impacted by last year. We got Red Christmas Cups full of delicious warm hot chocolate and came home to tackle my dining room. We cleaned that up and then he and I pulled out the lego to start building the Christmas Village - there are 4 boxes of Christmas Village Lego with a 5th on the way soon. So we had to get started sometime. He is the master builder so I was his assistant. It was a really nice time. Soon my husband came back with my girls and chaos erupted again. He took the oldest to hockey and I decided I had to do something domestic - so I put away laundry and cleaned litter boxes.
Now I'm sitting here wondering what to tackle next. My husband says the mess is OK - it's more important to spend time together as a family and I agree but sometimes it's so hard. I'm tired and sad and don't get it. Today my husband and son are going to a hockey game in Toronto so the girls and I are going to see Free Birds (the turkey movie that is out now). My girls are so excited and want me to take them out to dinner, too. Normally I would be excited too but I am almost dreading it. I don't know what to say half the time and I feel like a big ole meanie. I'm their mom - I went through all this hell for them and now I can't handle being with them.
I'm sorry I sound so incoherent. I really am not usually like this but I don't know what to do to make this better.0 -
I really feel for women with young children going through this Its hard enough to meet 3 little kids needs when feeling well, You've been through some pretty brutal things. Adriamycin is the harshest chemo there is, I think. Then the double mastectomy. Be kind to yourself and do whatever it takes to feel better in the moment. I find I feel better the minute I walk out of the house.
Indulge your whims. Get theatre tickets. Go to the movies. Get a babysitter. Don't feel guilty, it's how we heal.0 -
HHCats - Darn it! I just wrote you a super long post about your current situation - and then pressed Cancel, rather then Submit. I hate when that happens, I had so much I want to say. I'm going to take my dog for a walk, and then try to rewrite the whole thing. But what I really wanted to get across is that you're not alone.
And you weren't incoherent at all. In fact - you come across as crystal clear. On paper anyway. Because I know from experience that what actually is going on in your head is probably a lot more blurry. But what you wrote is is a really articulate and familiar account of where you are right now.
I went through the same thing at one year post diagnosis. At the time I had every reason to be happy. I'd finished treatments, had a bit of hair, and an excellent prognosis. I should have been on top of the world - instead I cried. My family was not aware what was going on with me. They were so relieved that I was 'done' and could rejoin their world again, and so they stepped away from Cancerland. But I could not. I couldn't move forward. I was locked in place that was no longer dangerous, yet it didn't bring me any joy.
The bottom really fell out one day when I was driving home and I started to cry. I didn't know where I was going or what to do or what was wrong with me. So I parked in front of a friends house, rang her bell, and just started sobbing. She brought me in and I had a complete breakdown. Luckily I'd chosen the right friend because she just let me cry and said, 'It's really hard, isn't it?'
And really is hard. What makes it even harder is the feeling that there's nothing that you can do to make it better. There's no guide book or road map to get you through to the next step. Some have likened it to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or to Depression. But I think that what it is - is just your mind convalescing. It takes time to integrate all you've been through with who you are, and who you were and then navigate your way to a 'new normal'. It's like finding your way around in the dark, an its very very lonely.
How much time is anyone's guess. When Rabbit started this thread she was about one year post-diagnosis. When I first read her post I thought she was describing me. (no kids though, just pets). I was also a year post diagnois. And reading all the other posts it seemed to be a common thread. The good news is that a lot of these fabulous ladies are now doing great. And I am one of them. I'm getting a bit chocked up even allowing myself to think that, because there was a time when I never thought I'd ever meet 'me', ever again.
I can't offer you any advise. There is no magic to getting past these horrible feelings. All I can say is that you have to give yourself some time, and ask for what you need. Whether it's a nap, or some greasy chicken, or a chance to bawl your eyes out, it's all part of the process. I can't remember the turning point for me - likely it was a few steps forward and one step back, until I reached a point where I could walk with the rest of the pack. For the longest time I felt like a house of cards pretending to be a girl. A total fraud. But my strength came back and I feel like my insides have returned, and now my insides finally match my outsides again.
Here's how I described it to someone. I felt like I was at a picnic and I was the tablecloth. At a moment notice I cold blow away, get caught in a storm, or go sailing through the field and get caught in a tree and get shredded to pieces. Now I feel like that same tablecloth that it held down by a boulder. I might still blow around, but I'm not going anywhere. I don't know why this analogy came to me - but probably because it has something to do with picnics, and I'm always thinking about food. A more poetic analogy would be the willow tree. Deep roots. Bendable, but not breakable.
It sounds like you have a great family (what's makes a great cat?). I have a great family, and a wonderful partner (Jim). They were so wonderful and generous - but the flip side is that I felt like I owed them. I owed it to them to be 'back' and to start giving. But now that it's behind me ( not completely, but mostly) I feel like I can start being emotionally generous again. And I realize too that the really rough patch was a blip. I'm saying this because you have kids, and must be painful not to be offer them the complete package you normally do. I also believe that it won't be long till you are 'available' again.
It must be especially hard around Christmas, when the media is trying to force you to feel cheery. F*ck 'em. Don't even bother. Just put one foot in front of the other, treat yourself kindly, and ask for what you need. You can't summon excitement so just let yourself off the hook for now. It will come with time. I firmly believe that the dread and the sadness are all part of the process of healing and rebuilding. It's a painful time, for sure. But talking helps, and there are lots of ladies here who will listen.
Janet0 -
HHCats,
Welcome to a great group of women on this thread. I found them several months ago. I was also at the 13 month mark, had just finished treatments, surgeries and had my first grandson being born...and I couldn't stop crying, felt completely outside of myself and unsure of who I was and where I belonged.
I agree with Janet and Timbuktu that there is no real "advice" to change these feelings that I can offer. In fact, for the most part I feel exactly like you do right now. But, having the courage to share what I was/am feeling and what is going on in my head and in my life with this group was and still is incredibly cathartic. I was like you, I spent several weeks reading the post here and identifying with everyone but not feeling like I had the courage, or the words to be able to articulate how I felt. Finally I did and the support I have received has been tremendously helpful.
I was a stay at home mother for five children and they were around the ages of your children when my mother, who had fought cancer for 15 years, died. I was incredibly close to my mom and her death threw me into a depression. I remember a year after she died feeling like I couldn't remember the past year hardly at all. My kids had "significant" events during that year that I knew happened and that I knew I "participated in" but I felt so detached from my life that I couldn't emotionally remember or feel connected to these events.
In many ways I think that is how it is for me right now. My children are older, my youngest of the five left this September for college, he was born 15 years after my oldest so I had children spread out over a 31 years. This fall was the first time in 31 years that my husband and I experienced living without kids.
My youngest graduated high school five days after I was told I had cancer, all the kids (now adults living all over the country) came home to celebrate his graduation and instead there we were, sharing with them that I had breast cancer and would need a bi-lateral mastectomy and chemo. My daughter was supposed to be married that fall and she ended up canceling her wedding because of my chemo. My youngest decided to delay going to college to stay home with me during my chemo treatment. You mentioned how hard this past year was on your children, in particular your oldest. This disease, surgeries, treatments impact our families, friends and loved ones in a huge way, no doubt. But, the "recovery" period, the time after all the treaments are over, the hair has started growing back, the energy is slowing returning in my experience is when I felt the most impact from the disease.
I spent so much time on auto-pilot during the 15 months of treatment, surgeries, infections - more surgeries, chemo, etc and I was so worried about my kids and husband and how my illness was impacting them that I think I didn't really reflect fully on how it impacted me. After all the treatment is over and you look around you realize life has just gone on around you which left me feeling oddly detached from it all.
Parenting children and being "present" for them is a tough job - period. Just be gentle on yourself about that piece. I realize that my feelings are often only a reflection of my insides not what I am presenting outwardly to the world. You are building lego Xmas setups with your children, going for hot chocolate and taking them to movies, etc. They see what you are doing on the outside, most likely not how you feel on the inside.
I know that doesn't entirely help knowing that your feelings of being detached and removed from your life, which is how I often feel, is just how you feel, not necessarily how you act. Because even if I think my kids are okay and don't see how I feel, I do. I know I am "missing" feeling emotionally connected and that isn't any fun.
The women on this discussion board have gently shown me that these post treatment feelings evolve over time. It doesn't seem that there are any quick fixes. It takes time...and while I wait it helps so much to know I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings.
You are not alone either. Thank you for sharing your story, your journey and feelings with us.
Much love,
Julieho0 -
Well said Janet_M -- really struck home when you mentioned the fact that there doesn't seem to be a next step or the feeling that there is nothing you can do to make things better. It can be isolating too which is why am so grateful to have found other women on this thread who really understand. HHCats... you sounded very coherent to me too and I can really can empathize with you. I can tell you that I am two years out from diagnosis and feel alot more peaceful and hopeful than I did last year. So many days, one year out, I just sobbed, then also got really angry. I remember walking home from work and just about lost it when I realized my shoe was untied. One thing I know for sure is how important it is to be gentle with yourself and breathe. ....oh, and know that we are here and have open hearts and really do understand. I like Timbuktu's idea of a babysitter -- or maybe a weekend away solo? I like to remind myself to stop and decide, "what do I need right at this moment?" - Then do it. Sometimes it is just getting outside for ten minutes and sitting listening realizing that "that" moment is my life. ~~ and the rule here is vent away; it's healing to vent and healing to cry.
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So many of you here describe so eloquently how you feel. I still cannot really articulate it. It's not fear, it's a kind of 'emptiness', even desolation.
Beyond that, I cannot find the words. I am tempted to say 'I am on the way to finding myself again', but it would be a lie, and I cannot lie to myself or any one else.
I think it's about being accepted for this. That's why it's such a relief to come here.
Welcome HHcats, you sound to be doing ok, your little family sounds lovely.
Janet, love the wiggy dog! I have one of my cat with my hairpiece on (wore it once!). I don't know how to post on here.
WSx0 -
Thannk you to all of you!
Janet - a great cat is an 18 year-old man of of a cat who is half Maine Coon (so he's a big boy) who was my constant companion during this whole ordeal. He and I spent many moments curled around each other sleeping, watching Downton Abbey and HGTV! I lost his "life partner" - my 17 year-old cat - 5 days before my lumpectomy. So he and I mourned together last year.
You all describe exactly how I feel and that made me feel much better.
Timbuktu- my husband calls the three kids "a full time job" and you are right it is hard to make them all happy on a good day let alone one where you feel detached and exhausted. When I was undergoing treatment, I would take the kids to school, come home and rest all day and then go pick them up from school, do homework, make dinner, feed them and then my husband came home and took over for bedtime. I ran them to their activities and even ended up running the school BBQ in June - 8 weeks after my DIEP. I know, I'm nuts.
I have a really good friend who supported me all through last year and this week, I told her how I was feeling and she immediately said she was taking my oldest to his activity after school to give me a break. She and I went to the Christmas Sale at the Royal Botanical Gardens (I live in Burlington, Janet M!) this week and then on Friday, I took the train into Toronto for a lunch with my husband. Both my friend and my husband want me to spend more time doing things that are enjoyable that I missed out on last year. So I'm trying to get out and about doing less errands, cleaning and volunteering at school and more "me" things.
Today I snapped at my husband today and he said to me "something is going on with you". Gee - do you think so? LOL I think the idea of taking more time for myself is a good idea and I need to let him know when I need to do that. I should have done that today.
My twins and I just got back from the movie and dinner. During dinner, one of them just out of the blue said "Thanks Mom for taking us to the movies." It was really unexpected and very sweet. They are only 6. The waiter at dinner complimented them on their manners, too! We are now all in my bed watching the hockey game to see if we can spot my husband and son and then read some books before bed. Once I get them in bed, I'm going to crash myself. I find I really do a lot better with a decent sleep under my belt.
Thank you again for your kind words. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone. And normal.
I'll update everyone again tomorrow. The only thing I have scheduled for tomorrow is to go to my son's hockey game. I missed most of them last year so he's so excited when I go this year.
Hugs
Robin0 -
HHCats, welcome, and I hope you realize from that you are totally not alone. For me, one year out from diagnosis was well over a year ago...I was pretty close to a basket case. I really, really, wish the oncologists would warn us what the first year (or two, or five) would be like. Mine had me expecting to feel better in a month. Ha! Try 20x that much.
I have to share with y'all this amazing evening. We had a fundraiser at our house for our daughter's nonprofit. My husband starting cooking last night, we both cooked or cleaned all day. You probably all know what it's like getting ready for a big party, whatever the occasion. Lots to prepare, plus the stress of having it all done before the guests begin to arrive.
The party was great, and as we were winding down, my husband came up to me and said he was completely exhausted. He had his flu shot a month ago, otherwise he would have thought he was coming down with the flu. Totally wiped out.
AND I WAS NOT!!!!! This is a huge deal to me. To be able to look at him and say "I totally understand what it's like to be so tired you can hardly stand. Go to bed. I'll clean up". So I got the perishables away and the trash and recycling out, and at least got the dishes into the sink or the dishwasher to deal with tomorrow.
A year ago, we could not have even considered having a party like this. I would have been no help. I could not have spent the entire day cooking three very elaborate recipes. And spent the evening with one eye out to make sure the trash wasn't overflowing, there were enough chairs out, the one smoker had an ashtray, etc. And then had enough energy to NOT collapse when it was all done!
It's a huge deal to me to give back to my husband...he carried so much weight for two years, and to be able for ONE NIGHT to say "don't worry, I'll handle this" makes me feel so, so happy. And healthy. And powerful.0 -
cf, your post made me smile so much! I truly share in your joy!
You are two months ahead of me..I checked.. Here's hoping that in two months I'll feel somewhere near how you feel,
I'm having physical problems at the moment and they are not only frightening me, they are depleting my coping ability
But in two months...a party!! ;-)
HH-you blew me away with what you have been doing, I'm in awe.0 -
Just read this fascinating article this morning. It's focused on self-control, but in the context of "temporal uncertainty"--not knowing how long something will take. I thought it related to what we've all been through, the thoughts of "Am I EVER going to feel better?" We are like some of the people in the article, only instead of self control, we have little or no control. The article opens with the dilemma of an unusually crowded subway platform: Do you wait, or cut your losses and go find a cab? The decision depends on how much faith you have that the train will be along any minute, vs. assuming there's a problem and it's been delayed.
Going through months and months of recovery, I felt like someone dumped me on that subway platform in a wheelchair and left me there...and I had no choice but to wait for who knows how long. And I was afraid that I would be there forever.
The people in the article are faced with choices (Do I definitely enjoy this cookie now, or maybe weigh 20 pounds less some time in the future?). I couldn't find a choice that "worked" for my fatigue (exercise, diet, supplements, meds, attitude, etc), so I didn't have the anxiety of making a wrong decision. But I did have the despair of never knowing when it would end.0 -
HH Cats - I see what you mean about a great cat. How nice to have him to curl up with. I convalesced with Downton Abbey, 'What Not to Wear', and a basset hound who would lie on my feet. He also had some lumps removed, and while he recovered, we slept side by side in the living room. Jed (the dog) slept on the sofa, and I slept beside him on a cot. I had to hold him so he wouldn't scratch his stitches during the night. It was a very calm time for us.
(I love Burlington. I have a great friend who lives there, so I'll be Christmas partying there in a few weeks. Also, home to a great shoe store!)
Cfdr - Subway Platform analogy is a good one. Your description of being left there in wheelchair is profound. Makes me ache inside, thinking of it. But - it makes it even more super fantastic that you are able to say 'I'll handle it 'to your husband. What a fantastic place you've come to. Congratulations!!!!!0 -
Tim- I hope whatever physical problems you are having sorts itself out.
HH- I agree with all the comments made on here. Take the time you need for YOU to feel better. Do the best you can with your kids and do not feel GUILTY! I am sure they are happy to have you physically present at their activities and have no idea how you feel.
I was in the same place as many of you at my one year anniversary. I am 2 and 1/2 years out now and I am feeling so much stronger and reconnected with things. But I took lots of time for myself and went to accupuncture, massage, yoga therapy and reflexology. I took a mindfulness based stress reduction class and that is where I learned to tune in to what I am feeling and validate it. I believe that is what turned the tide for me. I had spent so much time trying to get back to and be what everyone else wanted or needed. I am not the same as I was before bc but I am happy with my new "me".
Give yourself time and pay attention to how you feel and what you need. You will get there too!
I thank God every day for the incredible women on this board who share so much to support each other!0
