Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Rock, thanks! I didn't know about Johns Hopkins, although I do know they are one of the best. Something to look into.
I don't want more scans and x-rays and other than that I'm not sure what they can do at Anderson.
What you describe about your mom...I think we can all relate. Both as mothers and daughters. Very hard!
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Timbuktu, that is hilarious, last night, I started thinking about my first mammo since dx. I thought well you better start self exams. I am more worried about the "healthy one" as the cancer one just got radiated.
Did not take me long to totally freak out. So, I made myself stop. When did you have your first mammo, after dx? I know my MO told me at some point, but I have forgotten what she said.
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A full year later! And I'm very bad about self exams. Too afraid!
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I felt a lump in both breast did ultrasound and breast mri turned out to be fat necrosis now lumps are everywhere even where my port was. The thing that bothers me about it is since they said that the fat necrosis is all over both breast when I feel a new lump I will just say oh it's just fat necrosis and dismiss it when it might be something else... Don't want to run to the doctor over everything and worry but when I felt those two lumps it scared me!! When I saw the oncologist a couple of weeks ago and she's doing the breast exam she felt them and said wow some of them are very big... as if I didn't already know lol.
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I have a lump in the middle of my chest. It must have been seen by about 5 drs and each one has diagnosed it as something different, One dr said it had to be taken out. I hope he's wrong because I haven't done that.
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Dila and Tim,
I now just what you both mean about 'extras' - when to pursue things and when to leave alone. It's too hard to work out! Tomorrow I have a routine mammo and tomorrow it is 2 years since my dx. I can barely believe it. I am in no way celebrating it and indeed think I might feel low tomorrow night. I can still hardly believe what I have been through.
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Yesterday i had a routine DEXA to get a baseline since i just started taking Arimidex. It was at the same place I got my mammogram that discovered my cancer. Last night i I binged on sweets, which I have had under control for awhile. It was only this morning while journaling that I realized I must have been anxious and ignored my feelings (perhaps anger and sadness too).
I need to keep a focus on my emotions periodically during the day so I don't eat my feelings in ways that are bad for recurrence. A piece of dark chocolate is healthy but 2 bars are not!
Anyone else notice doing unhealthy things like bingeing on sweets or not exercising that are not good for recurrence when their emotions about BC are in high gear?
Hugs,
Peggy
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...o yeh, Peg, have done, and still do, things like that. that is why i come to bco, too, its healthier!
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PeggySull: I read your message just as I ate my last bite of a 2 waffle w/syrup breakfast. I haven't had a waffle in six years!!
I know that sugar is NOT good for me. I keep thinking "just this one last time" before I go on my infamous health regime. I feel tired (probably due partly to the blood sugar spikes). It seems like so much energy to even go for a 20 minute walk these days. To cook a healthy meal after work? I don't know how I used to do it. It seems like every time I buy a great piece of fish or an expensive organic chicken breast to cook, a spontaneous birthday dinner comes up or I just poop out and stick in a lean cuisine. I made a long list of all the changes I've made since diagnosis from avoiding paraben cosmetic products, soy, ....hmmmm I though there were more. hahaha. Diet/exercise have been the most difficult. I was doing good but still gaining weight (Tamoxifen?) so around Thanksgiving I started thinking...."if I'm going to gain weight anyway, might at well eat whatever I want".
In the 8 months before I was diagnosed, I had lost 25 pounds, was exercising, felt great and healthy and was then given the news that I had cancer. Am I subconsciously afraid to feel healthy and energetic again? Therapy time perhaps. Me is chunky ~ I feel getting a tshirt made with "Thank you Breast Cancer! Lost a breast and gained 50 pounds!"
Thought I would add that when I'm feeling sad and alone (like last night) I feel less inspired. I read this thread at work; it might help to remember at those times, you great ladies are always a click away. You inspire me.
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Purl, I feel like I just wrote your post, struggle to get anything done. I have good excuses, finished rads 2 weeks ago, Arimidex is weird, but the truth of it is I am not motivated to do anything. Yikes, got the vacuum out 2 days ago, it is just sitting in the living room waiting to be used.
I do cook occasionally, I do manage to get off the recliner for a social outing, but not my usual lifestyle.
Wintersocks....good luck tomorrow..
Dila & Timbuktu, lumps, bumps, the 2 of you have got me poking around, looking for something!
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Peg, our dates are so similar and now I read about your health kick before diagnosis. I lost about 35 pounds before diagnosis. Jennie Craig. But every night I had a bunch of broccoli with the frozen dinners and blueberries for desert. It's left me afraid of Jennie Craig, broccoli and blueberries! My husband says maybe the cancer would have been worse if I hadn't been trying so hard but i just can't think that way., The dietician at the hospital suggested I go back on Jennie Craig and I just looked at her.
NO WAY!
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has anyone tried acupuncture for fatigue?
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Winter - I hope you're not feeling too sad and blue today. I understand how you're feeling though, because DX days is so emotional. Having said that - I think you should celebrate. Get yourself down to the shop and buy a bag of Buttons and a bunch of tulips. You deserve them! You survived two years of a b*tch of a treatment, moved homes, took control of your relationship (I'm super proud of you for that) and maintained your sense of humour. That calls for tulips.
To me your soul seems intact. The other emotions - the anger, frustration, fatigue, despair, disappointment - are all black clouds that are in the way of who you really are. These are still early days, and difficult ones.
Okay...maybe not a whole bag of Buttons. Especially after reading the last couple of posts about sugar. But tulips, for sure. And red wine.
Janet
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Winter - I am just a few weeks behind you.........two years too same as you.....hope all goes well for you, nothing I can add as its all been said but you are a lot tougher than you think. I had some hypnosis type therapy for trauma and find that really helps too, my normal therapist says I have present traumatic stress as not done recon yet etc, only had problems ..........but the hypnosis approach gives me some relief from such intense down emotions........anyway take care......xx
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Winter, these anniversaries really can pack a punch. I hope you get your mammo results quickly. From Jan.-March are my dx, lx, bmx and chemo anniversaries. I have never looked forward to April more!
Janet and Purl, you've given me some things to think about. Hole-in-One, I often feel that way. My life is just messy right now which makes it hard to find my get-up-and-go.
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Hiya Friends,
well the mammo is done and she said they do a quick comparison to last years (I actually do not remember having one last year!!) anyways, it looks the same, they will get the MDT to review it to be sure and write to me. Gosh, how I so identify with the sugar thing, I ate about 6 bars of choc tonight (bought for my son). At least they were mini ones. I really didn't enjoy them. I think it was all tied up with today. same place, same staff, same machine, even the same weather. everything the same except for me.
Janet, I resisted the wine, but I think I will have some with my friend tomorrow night. I love flowers so I may just get a bunch for myself.
Lily55, yes I do remember we were dx at around the same time, I think we 'spoke' to in those early days. I completely understand the PTSD. I think you are doing better, despite the intense emotions you have. I wish I could actually 'feel' something as this 'numbness' just continues. My GP has referred me to a counsellor (waiting) as she says I need something for the 'whole' of me, not just the dx. It's crazy to think we have 'known' each other for that long isn't it? and never even met. I do consider those who write on this thread real friends. I do feel this thread saved me. I thank everyone here who helped me get to where I am now, 2 years today I remember vividly this nightmare starting.... .
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Winter - Today is my 1 year dx anniversary. I have been dreading it since the beginning of the month. I am just doing my best today to try and stay positive. Last night I was talking to my husband and said that I am trying hard not to focus on the life I lost. ( I was beautiful, energetic, smart, going to college, running my own small business and volunteering at the High School) Now I need to focus on building this new life post breast cancer. I am still beautiful - just not quite in the same ways. I am 30lbs heavier, but I will figure it out. I am unemployed, but I applied for a job at a local grocery store 4 blocks from my home - I had an interview on Tuesday. I still have my own business - it's just smaller and more selective now. I am waiting to volunteer at the school again until I feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin, but I will eventually get back to that as well. We are planning on buying a home and my daughter just got engaged last week.
Some days it takes everything I have to see that life is going on. Today it has taken everything I have to steady myself enough to look back at where I have been, raise my head high and make meatloaf for dinner. Toughest year of my life, but I made it!
Thank all of you who post, and thank all of you who read the posts. you are my heros!
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Flutter - What you wrote 'I'm still beautiful, just not quite in the same ways' gave me a lump in my throat. I love your moving forwardness. You are an inspiration to me, and a rockstar for making that meatloaf. Big round of applause for those not-so-tiny triumphs.
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Everyday we get through takes us one step closer to where we want to be in our "new life". We just need to be kind to ourselves and realize that everyday isn't going to be easy and it is going to take time to accept and deal with what has happened. During our treatments we were doing what we needed to do to get through, now we are learning to live again. Take care everyone!
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Flutterbyki, great post. It is a slow recovery for all of us. I am 5 months behind you, and I loved your calmness about your new reality but also the optimism about is what to come.
I had 1 1/2 hour meeting with the oncology nurse practioner for cancer survivorship, today. It went well. A little stressful, but she was very easy to communicate with, and had time to listen.
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I had absolutely no input on survivorship or anything, I think that is such a useful gift to be given.....and the fact they offer it emans it is a stepping stone and a process to go through......
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mrenee, those are wise words. It's tough when you have a bad day to think that you're any closer, but it's like traveling and getting caught at a traffic light or a traffic jam...it doesn't mean you're not getting where you're going, just that it will be a longer journey than expected.
I was told once not even to think in terms of days or weeks or months, but in terms of seasons. By summer I'll be so much better...by fall better yet.
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Wintersocks & Jeanine57, you got through the 2 year mark,
Lily, almost there..
Flutterbyki, the one year milestone
I cannot say congrats, cause that seems odd, they do congratulate ladies at the 5 year anniversary.
But I do want you to know that it IS a big deal, I know my one year mark will be a emotional one, just thinking about it, makes me tear up...thanks for sharing your thoughts, it helps to know I'm not the only one....have a fantastic weekend, or try too...
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holeinone,
thanks for the thoughts on getting by the 2 years of dx. i do not say 2 years out as my surgeon says that is August. but it is something at least! I don't know whether it is this or that I am really unwell (a viral thing with very bad sore throat/earache/glands up) - that is making me very tearful tonight. I have sat this out for 3 days and it is not getting better. So guess where I will be tomorrow - on my birthday!!! - the docs again.
Plus my boys will not be with me,so I will be alone and unwell (again). I just don't know when I am going to have a good run or something nice to happen!
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no horrible ws but was same for me this year too, had horrid virus so did nothing......so sorry you will be on your own but i will be thinking of you..and Happy Birthday for tomorrow x
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Feb 22: 2 yrs ago the BMX. My husband has a photo I had asked him to take of me with the old breasts. Saggy but mine. I hadn't looked at it ever- (the one year anniversary just kind of passed me, I was still focused on getting enough hair to stop wearing a wig)
Strange to look at it. I had a fine smile on my face, lotta hair, and support hose,with the hospital bed behind me. I had no idea what I was getting into. This year it is hitting me. Glad to be here but kind of weirded out.
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Winter socks,
I know what you're talking about. It's as if we've been boxing with BC and come off the mat each time it knocks us down. Then, when we're standing again, some other difficult opponent shows up and the bell rings again.
A friend keeps telling me about my recent cardiac issues, "this too shall pass." I want to say "yeah, but can you tell me when?!"
Maybe you can move your birthday this year and celebrate with your boys when you're well over this virus?
Sending you hopes and hugs for healing.
Peggy
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Wintersocks - Happy b-day and healing hugs to you.
Everyone's posts help me here. Each of you are a gift to my heart.
I come here often but don't post very much. I am struggling and overwhelmed with bc. My one year is coming up on March 19 - the day before my 44th b-day.
The threat of bc hanging over my head is constant - I miss the peace I had before bc. I miss my life before bc.
BCO is a life boat for me - my friends here understand.
I try to keep focused on not taking my finger off from fighting this disease - it's tiresome. You know and understand the struggle.
My first Zometa infusion is tomorrow. I'm thankful that this was approved to hopefully help in this gun fight but am I excited about another IV being stuck in my arm? No.
Thanks for letting me spill my feelings - my mind feels like a prision some days.
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PeggySull - The hardest part of this battle is that we never know when we will stabilize. So not only is it an invisible struggle, but there are no doctors, and no end date. Those lack of parameters make it so frustrating - but once you can accept that it's a temporary situation of undetermined amount of time it makes things a tiny bit easier. To do that requires a certain amount of faith that things will e okay. And they will.
I had a horrible time the year after my treatment but there did come the day when I saw a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel, and I was able to let go of despair. It was a wobbly climb uphill after that. It wasn't straightforward, and it wasn't pretty but I made it.
Cancer is a b*tch. Everyone knows that. But what they don't tell you is that the year after treatment is a m*therf*cker.
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peacestrength, i hope you do just fine on the zometa infusion, and i do hope it helps you tremendously. i am almpst two years out, and it does get better. you will find yourself feeling almost like your old self one of these days, at least, that is my experience. except for the little daily pill, nyway! but hang in there, and the one year is awesome, and bittersweet, true? love&a hug, from kathe!
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