Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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oncowarrior - I agree with everyone else. Your response makes total sense to me. I think it. Is sort of a PTSD type reaction because you know how difficult this all is. Even the best experience is so emotionally and physically exhausting, even if you hold it together for others.
I find random things give me reactions that are not proportionate to the trigger, and my feelings sometimes are really unpredictable. Someone on here talked about how we get so regimented in our treatments that when we are moving on after we are not good at dealing with the unexpected. I know that can be true for me.
I just recently talked to my doc again about my anxiety. My Cancer Clinic just started a support group this week. I went to the first session, only two of us because of bad weather, and another woman with colon cancer talked about these same feelings. It was really freeing to hear her talk about feeling positive during her treatments & a recurrence, but suddenly her 2 year mark plunged her into despair and anxiety. someof what she said was like she was reading my mind.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
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"I find random things give me reactions that are not proportionate to the trigger, and my feelings sometimes are really unpredictable."SmartassSmurf, that is so true. I'll be going along fine, and something (often a glance in the mirror) will trigger either hot anger or a rapid descent into depression.
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I have been so busy keeping my heD above water scheduling surgery, getting referrals, dealing with list op care, trying to make sure my husband doesn't freak out ( he gets angry with the dog as his way to deal with depression, anxiety and frustration of all this) checking into foobs, doing my exercises..... . I haven't cried yet about having BC. Wonder when it will hit me.
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Reactions that are inappropriate to the trigger couldn't be more true. Very well said, OncoWarrior.
I think we are constantly surprising ourselves from the second we receive the diagnosis. Surprised at the diagnosis, surprised at our ability to handle it, surprised by the reaction (mostly positive, but not always) of our friend and loved ones. Cancer is an entirely different world and most women step into it so stoically, and arm themselves with all that is needed to see the battle through. Out of necessity, we all step up to the plate and forge ahead with blinders on, placating the world along the well. It's a weird world, and I had my feet firmly planted in that weird world. Then when it was all done, I was trying to have a foot in both worlds. The world of cancer and treatment, and my 'normal' life. But it didn't work and while I tried to bridge that gap I had no firm footing and was totally unstable. The 'armour' that was my self protection during treatment seemed to have deserted me - and I couldn't find my way back to normal. In fact, I still haven't found my way back but I have rebuilt myself and found a new, stronger kind of normal where I am very comfortable. But man, it took a lot of trial and error to get here, and I had a minefield of triggers followed by inappropriate reactions.
There were times I just chose to be on my own because the effort of trying to be normal was exhausting. I haven't experienced what you described about your reaction to your friend - but it must be pretty hard for you. You are a good person and your friend will benefit immensely from you having gone through it first, and being available with your experience. You will eventually 'get yourself together', but don't be too hard on yourself in the meantime, and don't expect things to magically snap back into place. Try to be patient and accept the crying and confusion and sadness as part of the healing process. Falling apart is good because it allows us to rebuild, and incorporate the new strengths and experiences and fears that we've had to explore during cancer.
Healing is not a linear process, and 'moving forward' includes a few steps back, a few steps sideways, and sometimes falling flat on your ass. But be kind to yourself - it sound like you are doing everything right. It all takes time.
Janet
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OncoWarrior, it sounds like you are being a very good support to your friend.
One thing I found when I was going through treatment was how much even little gestures meant to me. I couldn't care less about birthday cards and Christmas cards, but I cherished every single Get Well card that was sent to me. If someone baked cookies, or even brought me a bag of cookies from the store, or even sent me an email to ask how I was doing, it meant the world to me. What you are offering to do for your friend is more than a lot of people would even think of doing.
I had a friend who was a survivor who I hoped would be more of a support to me when I was diagnosed, and she was, at first, when I called her early on, but she never called again to check in...but I also know that her treatment was traumatic, and that she wanted to put it all behind her and never think about cancer again. So I had to respect that she really was not the one to share my troubles with about cancer.
I find that I'm generally OK emotionally, but the inappropriate trigger thing for me is physical...the slightest deviation from routine and I'm exhausted from fatigue. Maybe I'm somatasizing (sic), maybe not.
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Hi there! I just found this thread. I was diagnosed in March, had my first surgery on April 2nd, chemo over the summer, BMX in September, and three surgeries since then for various complications. Surgery next month to get my ovaries out then starting Arimidex. 6 weeks after I was diagnosed a very good friend of mine was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She passed on Christmas Eve. On New Years Eve another very good friend of mine was diagnosed with an aggressive form of bladder cancer. She starts chemo today.
Some days I feel like I'm drowning. About two months ago I told my husband I feel like maybe I need antidepressants, but I didn't act on that, instead I just kept struggling with myself. Then I was on the hospital with a horrible infection followed by surgery to remove one TE, making me start over on that side. I was discharged on Christmas Eve and realized this setback kind of put me over the edge. But I felt guilty. I'm not dying. I don't have cancer anymore. I am ALIVE. I should just get over it and move on, but I couldn't. I couldn't focus on anything positive. My sense of humor was gone. Finally I had a check up with my oncologist, and the fact I spent 30 minutes in his office crying about stupid things prompted him to suggest I get on a antidepressant. I started last week so I don't expect to feel results for another couple of weeks, but I am hopefully I can get my head turned around soon.
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We have been through a war and many have PTSD. Instead of a car backfiring and making us relive a bomb exploding it might be a commercial on TV with a healthy active woman showing cleavage. I got I. A funk when I couldn't get a dish from the top shelf of my cabinet. Hang in there!
I'm proud you are getting the meds many of us (including me) need. We are warriors and like soldiers bonded with their unit we are bonded caring about each other even though we are often separated by continents. Hugs!
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That was a much appreciated response! I get tired of myself too....tired of the constant pain on my reconstructed side, I hate the way my clothes look, can't figure out my hair...and especially tired of my own attitude. It WAS a war, a hard-fought war. There ARE going to be lasting effects from it. I'm so glad to have you all to talk to.
I started sewing strips of fabric together just to feel like I accomplished something. Somehow they turned into six quilts....
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2Tabbies, Thanks for the information on the LD Flap, I will check in on the thread for that to get more info. I am not going to be eligible (according to my PS) until April/May because of Rads on that right side. I will only have to do the one on the right, as the left should be able to be regular TE since no rads on that side.Oncowarrior, the quote on my picture says "Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger that whatever tried to hurt you." -Unknown. I am not sure where I found it, but I liked it because I think it is true...my body is full of scars, but I am still here.
noonrider, I too spent about 30 minutes crying in my MOs office last week. It happens. I have cried more in this last year I think than in my whole life. I am not normally a crier, and even without sobbing, I am a ugly ugly crier. I hate it...but sometimes the dam breaks & we have to roll with it. Good luck with your antidepressants. I hope you stat to feel more like yourself again soon.
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Last week must have been the week for tears in the MO's office. I was there too. :-(
I happened upon some old posts from me in another forum, from about a week after finishing rads, and I was shocked at how upbeat and positive I sounded. I can't even imagine feeling that way now.
The GREAT news is, my MO approved a 3-week vacation from tamoxifen and then we are trying something else. Hoping the pain will ease somewhat and, if the tamoxifen was causing depression, that may get better too. Time will tell.
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When you think of all that our bodies have been through! How do we know what is causing what?
Our hormones are all messed up. My arm has been hurting for a month now. I'm seeing an orthopedist today.
So afraid of the worst. Afraid of the tests, the radiation, etc.
But you know, yesterday, in a snowstorm I got into an accident. My
car skipped over the median and I almost was in a head on collision. I escaped unharmed. And there was this moment when I laughed at myself. So worried about the possibilities in the future when I was almost killed in the moment. No one knows what will happen in the future. What a waste it is to ruin the present in anticipation!
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Tim - Whoa! Close call. So glad to know that you are unharmed.
I like what you said about being so worried about the future, and you could have been killed in the present. Such a good lesson to live in the present, and base your fears on real things, rather than possibilities. Now if I could only learn how to do that.....
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Janet,
What a lovely photo!
Tim, so so glad you are ok. x
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Thanks guys. The dr says its tendonitis. Relieved it's not mets. But I think it's the arrimidex that is causing all of this pain. tendonitis in the ankle and wrist and now the back hurts something awful. Can't take alleve because of ulcer. This is really getting tiresome!
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Tim...glad you are ok from the accident. That's so scary. Hope they can get on top of your pain. You have been through so much.
Janet...love the new pic. You look fab!
Wintersocks...good to hear from you. Hope you are well.
Love to all on this thread.
Rabbit
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Hi Rabbit!
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Hi Tomboy. How are you? Did you change your name on here? I have always loved the picture you have on here. It's very cool.
Rabbit
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"Healing is not a linear process, and 'moving forward' includes a few steps back, a few steps sideways, and sometimes falling flat on your ass."
Well said, Janet.
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Thank goodness! A happy ending!
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Onco - Fabulous! That's great progress. I'm very happy for you, and I wish your friend well.
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OncoWarrior, that's great about your friend. I'm sure it's helpful to know she has someone to call if she needs help. I have a friend that I called on occasionally for rides. I really appreciated it.
Btw, what does it say on your cute kitty avatar? I can't read it.
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OncoWarrior, love it! Yes, I can relate to that.
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Hi, I have not posted in awhile. I hate that all of you seem to be in the same boat I am in and hoped we could all bail out and feel better but sometimes I just don't. I had a whirlwind first mammo then diagnosis after I demanded a 2nd mammo after the ultrasound said benigh- that gal found a cyst not the cancer. I then went on for two surgeries and internal radiation and left the building with no congrats no bell ringing nothing- I felt let down- same day my sis was dx with breast cancer same place same size as mine exactly- too weird- she got depressed- went to bed so I built her up- told her we got this- promised all my help-got off the phone and was sooo sooo sick I went to the ER for a hospital stay. That was a year ago, Nov I had some reconstruction just for me- insurance pays for it- but people told me I was nuts for more surgery- I will have to do it again in April but it already looks better- People just don't get it. I felt so out of control when I was told I had cancer and that I had to do this and that and this to live.. Now I am doing things I want to do- its a way to get control back- one thing was reconstruction- another was doing on a strict diet and so far loosing 38 pounds and another is starting a yoga program to rebuild some of my strength it seems I lost. Its a way of control.. Way to do what" I" want to do for once and no one can take this from me.I struggle daily to still deal with the worry of what ifs and what will happen in the future. I guess loosing my mother, my 44 yr old sister, my grandpa and a 3 yr old niece to cancer makes me extra scared about it all!!
A man in town had BC and passed away just a couple days ago. His wife who is a nurse came to relay for life and told us all that his Tamoxifen caused a 2nd cancer in his liver. YIKES!! That is just too scarey and I had not been told or heard about it before. Sometimes I just want to sleep and sleep and forget this ever happened and then I feel guilty- I am cancer free right now. I am doing well , but then it hits.. UFFFFF!!
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I'm with you NDgirl. Just came from exercise class, trying to eat right for the first time in my life, worried about meds, find out next week what my oncotype score is and if I need chemo. Was caregiver for my dear brother last year when he died from mets to lung from belly cancer. Held his hand through the end. Hard not to go crazy overthinking all this stuff! Hugs! Susan
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