Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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kathec, I think sometimes the docs feel like we should just be happy to be alive. And maybe most patients don't tell them how hard this aftermath is. In fact, I'm going to ask my MO that when I see him on the 10th. Going through chemo was easier than this. I think I'm getting neuropathy now, but it could be from the lymphoma I have not a late side effect of chemo. When I complained to my RO about nobody telling me that I might seen the last of my sex life, etc., her excuse was that it doesn't happen to everybody. Oh. So that means it's ok for those of us it does happen to to be blind sided??
Lily and BosumBlues, I'm so sorry about your anxiety levels. It sounds like you both have so much going on in your lives now that it's not surprising. I wonder how much of the anxiety is leftover from cancer, and how much is from the other horrible things you have going on. If I was being harassed or had an ex dragging me into court, I'd be anxious too. Please do talk to your docs about this. Like Purl51 said, I wish we could give you both a group hug.
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Wow. I am so glad that I found this thread again. I forgot what it was titled and where it was located.
When I read some of your posts, it seems that we are all the same person.
Well I had 2nd revision surgery last week and so far the girls look ok. But I am so tired of recovering or just being tired.
Went to Vegas with the girls (4 sisters and DD) for 4 days. First time we all went somewhere together as adults. Walked too much. I complained. They pushed me on and gave me ideas on how to get in shape. Really. I know they love me but I really wanted to scream at them. Otherwise we did have fun and needed the bonding since we lost one sister earlier this year to BC.
After I returned home I needed to rest for a week. I am only 58 but feel like I am 98 on some days. My big toes still hurt but I have not had time to go to podiatrist.
I now realize that a lot of things are really pissing me off. Don't know if it is BC or menopause.
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Gwenny, I was in Vegas for 4 nights also last week, I got there on the 6 th & left the morning of the 10th. You most likely were home by then. The weather was fabulous. I had a family baby shower to go to, in AZ. We also saw the Micheal Jackson show "One".
Thought I would pop in and say hello to all....been a little slow here, I hope all is OK, or better, fantastic! I am doing fine, busy. We are selling our home, I am doing physical therapy for my shoulder the side of the cancer & surgeries. So, busy all day, everyday.
Have a good weekend...
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Hi ladies,<?xml:namespace prefix = "o" ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Well.....Oct 16th my best friend
of 33 years died. I thought she was just napping, but she was already
gone. I changed my “profile avatar” to a picture of her when I got my buzz cut at
a salon during chemo. Bless her heart; she supported me best
she could by wearing a swimming cap. Julie died of heart failure. I
still have my nagging BC med side effects, fatigue, weight
gain, depression episodes from my breast cancer, but my attempts
at grieving in a healthy way (letting it out instead of keeping it in) have
made these more "do-able" if that makes sense. I think when I
am crying, I am crying cuz I miss her and crying simply for loss
period. Loss.
This is what has hit me more than anything else going through breast
cancer. Loss of a
future with my friend, loss of my breast, loss of feeling
strong and healthy, loss of being able to get out of bed without slowly
"warming my ankles up" to walk without pain, loss of connecting
with myself when I look in the mirror, loss of muscle, loss of....., you get
the idea and have your own. I really try and be grateful for life, I
really do. Just some days..... it's just so hard. I am going to make
an appointment with a good therapist (I hope she is good) that was recommended
because the pain really hurts. She was my "person that you
call and they would do anything/anytime for you". I loved her
so; still do. It sure helps being able to share here, where it is safe and I
know you care.Love you all.....Purl (Debra)
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Purl,I am so sorry for your loss and know exactly how it feels, having lost a true friend during rads. I found out just before i left to go, and I don't even know how I made it there. The tech looked at me and asked if i was okay and i broke apart.
It's hard enough without anything like bc messing us up. Big and long hug for you while you are healing from this loss..
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oh Purl, sooo sorry. I am intensely mourning too, the losses associated with bc seem never ending, and you have lost your bestie soul mate too, I am no good with words at times like this, all I sense is an enormous gap that used to be warm and fuzzy.........sending you a B I G. Hug..x
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Oh, Purl, I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. That's so huge in itself that it must be nearly unbearable on top of all the bc losses. Take care. I hope you have other friends to lean on.
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Debra, I am so sad you lost your friend, and for all your losses too.
Always remember when things feel so hard that you found us here and we found you! - and that's a gain in my book!
Here are some flowers for you, All the way from the UK. To lovely Purl xx
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Debra, so very sorry for your loss. Julie must of had a good sense of humor, wearing the swim cap while you were getting buzzed.
Life is brutal at times. Please, when you are ready, post some stories of your good times with your dear friend.
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Debra Purl - Your friend Julie sounds awesome. Funny, sweet, and nice. I'm so sorry to hear that she's passed away, and I'm so sorry to learn that you won't have a future with your best friend.
I can't imagine what its like to lose someone so close, but I do understand the other feelings of loss. I especially relate to having to do ankle exercises before getting out of bed. Most mornings I feel like I'm 100, and I have to slip immediately into my Sketcher Air Walks before I can shuffle down the hallway for my coffee. I try to practice gratitude, but sometimes I can only practice bitchiness, but even on those days I'm grateful that I live in a bungalow and don't have many stairs.
What you said about 'not connecting' when you look in the mirror is interesting. Are you surprised by what you see? Do you not recognize yourself?
Sometimes I feel so roughed-up on the inside that I look at my reflection to make sure that I don't look totally insane. And it's reassuring that I look human - though I don't always like what I see.
I hope your therapist turns out to be a good one Debra. And I hope that there will be joy again in your life. I am sending you a big strong hug and wishing that I could take away some of your pain.
xo Janet
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Oh, Debra. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like Julie was a wonderful friend to you. Those of us that are fortunate to have those types of friends, know their value in our lives, particularly in tough times. I know that you will miss her deeply.
After I lost my mom in August, you wrote to me, "we join hands in a circle of love around you". Well, it's your turn. We stand here at the ready to listen to you and love you. You have suffered a lot of loss throughout all of this, but you have been a blessing to all of us. Please remember that and check in with us whenever you want/need to. We love you, Debra. Hang in there, friend.
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abd Debra, you are honoured, Rabbit came back here for you
, xx
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I am so touched by all of your sweet responses to my losing my friend Jules. This is by far the most comfort I have felt. I just adore you ladies and really do feel your love and support. Thank you so much. Winter, I printed out your flowers on my color printer at work and have it pinned up right above my monitor so when I look at their beauty every day, I will think of my wonderful friends on this thread and remember how much we care about each other. and yes, hello Rabbit!, who began this group and is the reason we have a place to feel heard. I appreciate the circle of love too!
LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! Thank you. I could say you have no idea how much it means to me to read your words, but you do. You really do.
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Hole, you asked for a little
story about my friend.<?xml:namespace prefix = "o" ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />I met Julie in 1981 when we
worked together at a Mexican restaurant. I was slinging margaritas and she
was the manager. After a party of folks left, I waited a bit, then went
upstairs and called my friend from an outside phone. Using a British
accent, I went on and on “how wonderful the service was we just had and what an
utterly incredible, fantastic, skillful, funny, and amazing server we had” and mentioned
that her name was Debra.~~ Anyway I went downstairs and
walked up to my friend and waited. She
just stared at me. I then proclaimed…, “well,
don’t you have something to tell me?” She burst out laughing.It was the first of so many gags
we pulled on each other over the years.0 -
Purl, she sounds like a wonderful friend. Keep on remembering those laughs together.
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purl, it sucks. Just sucks you lost your friend. Hugs
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Purl, separate from the sucks...1981 until now is an awesome run with a good friend. It sounds like you had amazing laughs. I bet her wings are growing every time you remember the laughs you had together.
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That's a great story Purl, thanks for sharing!
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Purl, I am so sorry for your loss.0 -
Purl, thanks for the story, love it! The best way to honor someone, in my opinion is to share stories. It seems hard to accept that we are at the age where life becomes fragile. ( of course I have no idea how old you are ). In 1981, I was 25-26.
Making memories, treasuring time spent with friends is all good. I know you are missing her.
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Hole: I love calling you that. Julie and I were both "21" in 1981. Ready to take on the world. Thanks ndgrll, smartass, kathec and everyone once again. I just feel so comforted; thank you. Love, Purl (Debra)
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I was born in the 50's, barely! Sept '59. I told my mom she must have had a whopping big party on new years eve!
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Purl, how are you?
Hope all had a good Thanksgiving....
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Hole: Thank you. I think I am feeling better...moving into the "I'm happy to have had her as a friend for so many years" phase. In and out of bursting into tears. Music helps release some tears when I feel myself trying to "hold it in and be strong" (the way I was taught when my mom died when I was 16). All in all, I feel a greater sense of peace as time moves on. Still hard to go to the ocean. Julie and I have so many memories there, but I know this will lessen. I love the ocean way too much and know I will smile there again and think about her.
Hugs all.....! and love to you. May we survive the holidays!! Love, Purl
Hope we can each think of something really nice to do for ourselves.
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Purl, I'm glad you're starting to feel a bit better. Grieving is such an up and down, 2 steps forward and 1 back process. I agree with your wish that we all find something nice to do for ourselves.
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Purl, You sound like you are in an ok place. I am glad you were able to find that place so quickly, that means you can get back to it if or when you are in a place of struggle. I hope your struggles are few and your positive memories keep you during this difficult time.
I have had few days of struggle with some questionable PET scan results. I will have a CT scan in 2 months, so I am trying to be positive until then. I know you all understand how exhausting it can be to try to stay strong. The issue is with my right lung, and most likely is radiation pneumonitis, but they cannot say for sure. I am trying to remind myself of things for which I am thankful...and let the worries go. This is good in theory, but the mind is a tricky thing.
On a positive news item, my husband's family had a family 5K fund raiser over Thanksgiving, and raised $600. They told me I got to pick where the money would be donated this year, so I picked purchasing gas cards for cancer patients at my cancer clinic. We will be donating half to the Infusion part & half to the Radiation Therapy side. Families can be so frustrating at times, but things like this really bring people together and remind us of the good things a small amount of people can do with not much effort. I feel really blessed.
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SmartassSmurf, I hope your test results are good. I absolutely know how exhausting it is to try to stay strong while awaiting test results. Sometimes, I think it's ok to not be strong, you know? Just feel what you feel and don't fight it. I just can't always put on the "brave warrior" face, and I don't think we should have to. Wishing you peace!
Good for your family coming together and raising money to help cancer patients!
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Smurf....that's a long time to wait and not worry...I hope you can find peace and news is good.
I just went for an ultrasound on my neck as I found a lump about 10 days ago....results show not a lymph node....I saw a PA and she called to say, don't worry the doc wants to see it and will be able tell when he palpates it...no rush...really?? Tell what, I wonder?! This is the week I found my lump under my armpit back in December 2013 ....thought it was swollen lymph node from a paper cut on my finger...NOT! So I have dejavu... Worrying will drain me and I will see him Tuesday...yes, the mind is a tricky thing! Good luck! Rosie
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Rosie, wishing you uneventful results as well.
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2Tabbies - Amen to that sister! 'Sometimes it's okay not to be strong'. I'm trying to 'feel what I feel without fighting it' but to be honest, I've spent so much time faking things over the last few years that I don't always feel in touch with my pure emotions. I've tried to keep on a brave face, and I've tried to practice gratitude, and I've tried (but not very hard) to summon sympathy for everyone else's seemingly petty troubles like a sore throat or a bad hair-do. Sometimes I feel like I'm bursting with heartfelt emotional generosity, and other times I feel like saying 'Shut the f*ck up.'
However, for you girls here I have nothing but an open heart. So for Rosie and Smurf I hope that you find some calm, and are delivered unremarkable results and can carry on with fabulous lives.
Purl - It sounds like you're doing okay. I can't imagine how tough it is to lose such a close friend, but I smiled out loud when you said ' I know that I will smile there again'. One day at a time, right? I'm just picturing the ocean as one giant frothy margarita and you and your friend Julie standing in front of it with giant straws.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend...Janet
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