I look for other flat chested women. A rant.
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Anne. Thank you for piping up. Your video brought tears for me. I have Axillary Webbing and have been looking for a therapist I feel is worth the time and money and I am not having an easy time of it. I would think it would be easier for me, as I live in New York City, but no. I feel reinvigorated by your video and enthusiasm. Thank you.
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The really sad/funny thing was that he said he was so happy that his mom was able to share this special day with him after having chemo, radiation and "her breasts cut off." (yes, this is the one that is on a talk radio show
) That is when someone in the crowd called out, to the bride's mother (who does like attention) "beat that!" Awkward.0 -
Arghhh, Pip, that is so bad that it is funny.
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Hi, thanks for your comments everyone. Yes, MT1 you would think it would be easier to find people who are familiar with breast cancer specific rehab, especially in large cities...but it isn't so easy, as you have found. Most of the focus is on how to LOOK like we never had breast cancer rather than how to MOVE (or as fern mentioned, feel in terms of sensation) as though we never had breast cancer:( Barbara, I thought about the LE forum, but I am not sure whether it seems too cavalier...my case was very mild and that is how I had so much success...I don't want to seem as though I am somehow minimizing how much effort it takes to try to control LE (does that make any sense?). I am worried that people might think that is how I come across... thanks again! anne
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really enjoyed the film!! Inspirational!
My big concern was function not form. This did not seem to be typical based on my surgeon's response. I don't care half as much how it looks as what it can DO. I am athletic and didn't want to give that up. Part of why I chose not to reconstruct was to minimize trauma to the chest area and thus hopefully avoid an array of immediate and future problems. It worked. I have lost nothing whatsoever as far as ability. I am so grateful.
I don't think this gets nearly enough attention by surgeons. They all think we want to look a certain way and while that can be important it's certainly not the most important thing for many women.
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Pip - look me ten minutes to get to page 43, but you look beautiful. I'm looking for an A line dress since I have large hips. I've seen a few candidates. just have to go shopping.
Anne - beautiful video. Thanks for sharing.
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Anne, if you expressed those provisos (that you mention above) on the forum, I'm guessing women there would be very receptive and appreciative of your sharing your experience. The fact that the strenuous rowing that you do has been so positive for you both physically and emotionally seems like something other women with lymphedema (whatever stage) would like to hear about. It might generate some interesting discussion, too.
Not trying to push you, though.
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I agree with Erica, Anne, if you put it just like you did in your post above I can't imagine anyone being upset. I, unfortunately, have been left with some residual side effects that are dibilitating. I'm trying to recover as much as I can, and have seen some "I survived breast cancer and can do it all" stories and videos that did make me feel like somehow, I was the problem, and that if I just bucked up, I could do it too. But Anne, yours did NOT make me feel that way at all, especially with your second post. It was beautiful and well done.
I'm really glad that I haven't reconstructed, because as challenging as my current issues are, I can't imagine what they would be like if I had reconstructed - I'm sure they would be much, much worse! And all for appearances - it's not like I'm going to wear a bikini again anytime soon.
Anne - I highly encourage you to share your video and story!!!
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Anne, I agree. You are very respectful in your language, and it could be helpful.
LindaKR, I think most of the inspriational cancer books are written by highly successful women (much like me, prior to BC) who have extensive resources (not so much like me) and who do very well with treatment (not so much like me). They work full-time during treatment (much like me) and are successful (I did my job, but in retrospect, did it rather poorly). They exercise (I barely had enough energy to do my work, none left over for healing, exercise, proper nutrition, etc.). Their families are supportive (so was mine, but from 500 miles away! so no "boots on the ground" help). These inspirational stories set the bar way too high, so those of us who don't measure up are left to feel like failures, like we are to blame for not doing as well. If we just did things a little differently, had a different attitude, etc etc etc, then we would do as well as these women did. That is just SO WRONG on so many levels. I keep thinking I will write my own book someday that will set the bar lower. Of course, it won't be popular because no one wants to know how badly cancer and its treatment can affect someone's life. Everyone wants to think you get cancer, you get treatment, you move on. Not true for women with Er+ as it is truly a lifelong treatment/monitoring because as my MO explained, the cancer may disappear with treatment, but these cells hide, and as soon as you quit throwing treatment (hormonal antagonists) at it, they can come back. Those of us who have suffered permanent damage due to surgery, radiation, chemotherapy - life now has multiple challenges. All of this has converted us into chronic disease patients, and there is no such thing as getting back to normal, certainly not in the time frame that these inspirational books portray.
OK, so this is a rant. Not about flat, but about setting the bar for others. (BTW, most of these stories include reconstruction stories.... )0 -
Linda, I do agree with you. It's a hard line to walk: women wanting to share their own success stories versus not wanting other women, who may not have the resources, or the same treatment diagnosis, to feel like they don't measure up. Frankly, women who've been through difficult treatments and continue to live as well as they can given the limitations of chronic disease, even if that means just getting out of bed and having a cup of coffee, are just as inspiriational.
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You rock Linda-n3. VERY WELL SAID. I, as a Triple Negative, have a different story than you . . . and have been blessed with an "easy" go of it, as compared to you and many others. I am SOOOOO inspired by you who are STILL on this site, STILL posting, STILL having good and bad days, RANTING and WHINING. That, to me is what this forum is about. So, RANT away!!!!! You deserve it!!!!! (((((HUGS)))))
And, BTW, I do notice that this "flat chested" message board does have a whole lot of reconstructed gals. The stories don't always seem to me to be of positive results, though.
I am STILL happy being flat, and will NOT be reconstructed unless there would be a NO COST, NO PAIN, GUARANTEED NOTHING CAN GO WRONG, NO DOWN TIME option. Tee hee Tee hee.
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I realized that the past few weeks (maybe even a few months???) I have been putting on my clothes in the morning without a thought about putting on foobs. Geez, how easy can it get??? No bra. Just a nice soft t-shirt or turtle neck and a sweater or vest or jacket. Add a scarf if the aforementioned are plain and need to be dressed up, or nothing if I am wearing a patterned sweater or vest. I am back to wearing basically what I wore before BMX - a sort of preppy look with button-down shirts and sweaters or other.... and I am so comfortable these days that I don't even give a second thought to what others might see or not see. The neuropathic pain in my chest is easing some, which is helpful as well. And I think the injection of the intercostobrachial nerve this week is working.... keeping fingers crossed - the back of my arm seems less hypersensitive to me today ....
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Linda, I really hope the injection gives you some relief. You have definitely had to put up with more crap than the average bear.
I was watching clips from Manhattan and Annie Hall the other day, so now I will picture you as a young Diane Keaton when I think of you. She did that quirky preppie look really well.
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Oh, Momine! You are cracking me up!!!! I never in my wildest dreams pictured myself as Diane Keaton, but since you mentioned it, she does wear my style!!! LOL!
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Thanks Garden. The biggest consideration for me was comfort. I didn't want to spend the day adjusting boobs or worrying if they looked 'normal'.
Next time you need to go to another page, just go to the address bar and change the page #.
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I am always strengthened by reading the posts here. Linda, I couldn't agree more, you need to write that book that lowers the bar just a tad for the "rest of us". While i am trying to do adaptive yoga every day, some of us never exercised before breast cancer, and it sure is all harder to "like" after breast cancer. I am so much trying to get inspired in this direction...
I am a 2 1/2 year 'BC veteran" here, and believe it or not, I only just learned that reconstruction often means using the same existing breast and nipple. I had NO idea!! my cancer took my skin as well to get clear margins, so I lost everything.
I guess I just assumed everyone ended up as flat or even concave as me, and wow, reconstruction would *hurt* in my case.
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Thank you Linda-n3, I would love to read your book!!! and what you said really helped me, been feeling a little overwhelmed by the whole residual thing again - plus, though I was granted SSDI in October, the LTD company said - we don't see any reason you can't work full time, kind of get over it (got their letter last week), basically if you can sit you can work!!! So I have to get work on my "last" appeal to them, though SSDI will help a lot, we can't really afford to lose the balance of the LTD right now. It took me a week to read the whole denial letter, it really makes you feel like a whimp and a failure - well there's my rant of the hour. Also, can't wait to get have my PMX, I want to be flat too!!!
Crystal - I know what you mean, my BS was afraid that I would need skin grafts after my MX, luckily I didn't, but after radiation my chest, though concave, looks like, and feels like, if I stretch it I'll just pop open!!!
OK - I guess I needed a second rant! Now I feel like spending the rest of the day sitting in the sunshine crying!!! YIKES!!!!
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Thanks Erica and Linda! I posted it in the LE forum and will now return to my typical "lurking" state
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Thanks Anne!!!!!
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Some of the most disturbing moments I have had on this site were related to women with expanders that I seriously thought were near suicide from the pain. They were screaming for removal and seemingly fast becoming addicts to all kinds of meds from pain to sleep to anti-depressants. Their doctors answers seemed as if they just diagnosed the women as psych cases and mostly refused delayed refused delayed and refused to remove the expanders. I guess it is just too annoying when the PS's art canvas wants to bolt and run. Am I cynical or what?? Did anyone else see the freak PS on last night's episode of Millionaire Matchmaker? That would give you nightmares. Probably Millionaire Matchmaker alone could give you nightmares but that is a different story - why do I ever watch this stuff??
Barbara
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Great Linda. It's where I am, too, with regards to clothes. I don't even give it a second thought. hope the pain is indeed easing up.
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Linda-n3- If you were to write a book, your story would be along the line of breat cancer is not cute, it is not a pink ribbon............Sort of like "the scar project" is to photography.
I remember reading posts of yours, on other threads, way back when I was first diagnosed. Your posts were well written, very informative, accurate........etc. I feel you helped me & many others. With your residual pain & treatment related health problems, I would only want to see you attempt this if it would help YOU! & not interfere with healing or create stress that might interfere with quality of life.
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Hi everyone. As I suspected, as soon as my firm got the letter stating I was well enough to go back to work, they started working on my termination papers. I walked into my first day back to work and they canned me. Going to see a lawyer, but I doubt it will make any difference. I certainly don't want my job back now, and I doubt I am going to get anywhere without going to court. So I might as well start planning on seeing a bankruptcy trustee as well. Happy 2013.
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Djustme ~ I am so sorry! Hugs and thoughts are with you. I'd write more, but frankly, I'm speechless and I don't know what to say.
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djustme - you can get unemployment though
I got "laid off" about the time I would have gone back to work - I talked to a lawyer, but it would have been really hard to prove they did it because I had cancer, so negotiated my severance, and said good riddance - they had me sign an agreement that I would never work there again, the proceeded to ask me back 3 times. I, however, was still on disability, actually still am. Count your blessings, you really didn't want to go back there - and I know I sure didn't. A window will open for you and will lead you to a much better place. Oh, and I thought we might have to do the bankruptcy thing, but God's been good, we just make it every month. The pain, oh I mean joy, of having your own business. It really will work out - have a great weekend!!!!! And negotiate that severance!!!!!!!!!!!! Lindaedited to say - I hadn't noticed you live in Canada, all the rules are probably different there.
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Djustme .. i work in a labor & employment law defended firm. I have seen a BUNCH of people settle for BIG bucks before trial (happens about 75% of the time) for cases with no substance. Please look in to trying with a reputable plaintiff's attorney who specializes in labor & employment law. Good luck.
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Djustme, so sorry to hear this is happening to you, as if you don't have enough on your plate to deal with. It amazes me how callous people can be. God doesn't like ugly behavior. Sooner or later your boss will have her comeuppance.
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Wow, so much here recently.
Anne, I love your video. I'm an athlete too, and I have lymphedema. Honestly, the lymphedema has caused me about two thousand times as much anxiety and grief as losing my breasts, but I have also been able to manage mine in a way that does not limit me at all. Curiously, I have never had a flare from exercise.
But I also understand your concern, and Linda's post really resonates. There are so many ways I felt like I wasn't living up to the inspiring examples, some of whom were even friends. I did walk all through chemo, but otherwise it really, really knocked me down. I was a skeleton, I had no immune system - I couldn't work for multiple reasons. When I did start back to work, I felt so overwhelmed and scared because my mind was foggy. I really felt like I was being payed to hide from doing things, not like anybody's inspiration. I felt like I had lost myself and was just this shadow creature barely hanging on. People who know me now comment on how bad I looked because I look a heckuva lot better now. Despite how sick I was, deep down I felt like I was being a little lazy because other women had been able to do a lot more doing chemo.
Now I mostly feel like a failure for being unable to move beyond losing my nipples, losing my sex drive, and losing my "mortality virginity" as someone I know with ovarian cancer put it. I feel like I if I were in the "inspirational" category, I wouldn't be on these boards.
So here I am, this mixture. I play sports with my sleeve, and sometimes I do things that make our few spectators cheer. I struggle redefining a relationship with no sex drive. I work full time and I'm good at what I do again. I struggle with planning the next steps in my life knowing in a more concrete way there's no guarantee I'll live to my 90's like my grandparents. .
I don't mind hearing the stories of successes. I think it's great when one of us does something and is proud. It's the stories of bouncing through unscathed that bother me, because I have a hard time believing that any of us do that.
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Outfield, I think that last point is a very good one. How could anyone just "bounce back" after this kind of thing?
However, I do also think that one of the more practical ways of dealing with it all, for me anyway, is not to expect any such thing. I decided early on, a few weeks after DX and when I had reached the point of being able to function without xanax, to take the whole thing as an experience and see where it lead. I don't mean it in some cutesy, pink ribbon "journey" way, but really just suspending all preconceived notions, good or bad, and actively looking for any and all positives or opportunities for learning.
My life is quite different after BC, I am quite different. Some of the adjustment was hard, some easy, some of it still makes me mad or sad depending on the day.
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