I look for other flat chested women. A rant.
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It's very encouraging to hear about men who are so supportive, loving and helpful. I do know they are out there and maybe someday I will meet one but for now I'm perfectly OK with being single. I am not scared to tell anyone about my boob-less body at all but then I definitely have a fairly "large" personality!
How long did it take most of you to get over the loss of your breast/s? Do you think it is easier when you lose both?
I decided 3 days before my surgery to not have reconstruction. My surgeon had issues about my healing that were very misconstrued (another story) and I did NOT feel good about him at all. With the insurance I have, this surgeon was the only option I had for expanders/implants and he has less than 2 years experience. I felt that there was no bond or trust between us.
This whole experience has shown me that it has been a great twist of fate that the pieces fell where they did. I truly believe this with everything inside of me.
I was over not having boobs almost immediately. I have never self-identified with my breasts, they have never been a "fashion accessory" and I certainly never needed them to enjoy sexual fulfillment. I have friends who are KNOWN for their boobs and who show them off all the time. That's never been me so it wasn't difficult.I am STILL healing my incisions because chemo+virus did a whammy on them a few weeks ago an set me back.. I was almost totally healed but I'm back to playing nurse yet again. Another good reason why I'm glad I didn't get reconstruction.
I am very happy I had a prophy right breast removal as well, piece of mind and it also helps with symmetry. I'm relieved my insurance covered it.I bought a couple bras and fake boobs from an online crossdressing shop, they are fun but I haven't really worn them much. I might get proper prosthesis through insurance for the heck of it after I'm healed but I do love going boob-less and I don't care what anyone says. I can honestly say that if I can get 40 lbs off after I'm done with chemo I will probably go boobless all the time!
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My fake boobs (I have 2 different sized pairs) have been in my drawer for more than 2 years!
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Lily, just a thought here. I know your country has different, shall we say rules, about treatment, and surgery options, but do you have a General Practitioner that you see? I would be picking the brain of every Medical person I could find who would listen to me, just to find out if there was a facility, or a fund, or a Church even, that would help you to get what you want. No one should be left, "half done" if that isn't what they desire. Do you have the courage to write your story for the local media? I have gotten things done for my Volunteer causes that way, when no one thought we'd get off the ground.
For me, I am happy with my lot, but I know I'd go nuts if it wasn't what I wanted. I am very proactive, and will search out ways to get things done, using every means I can.You have been done a great dis service by the Medical profession there, but I am willing to bet you would find someone who would, or could help you if you reach out.
As I have mentioned before, I think if you tried putting a small ad in a local paper, you'd find there are many more like you. I live in a small town of 2000 people. We have our BC meetings once a month at 10am, we get a staggering 12 or 13 ladies every month, and have had 4 "newbies" since I started coming to the meetings. I really didn't think this would be my scene, for goodness sake, they call themselves "Pink Ladies", I hate all the pink crap, but it was the very best thing I've done. These women are wonderful, and the support they have for each other is unbelievable. I have made friends that I will keep forever.
I know you are doing it tough, and we don't agree on everything, but I'd love to see if you can get to the next step on this journey by getting a recon or indeed another Mx. I don't kno if it has any bearing there, but here in Australia, a letter from a Psychiatrist can go a long way in getting surgery done if it is affecting you badly.........Just a thought.
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My husband is very supportive and kind. He makes a lot of positive comments about my body before and after the surgery. Every time he sees my scar, he says that it has healed very well and it looks good. I love him and his support. Support from other women who have gone through the same thing means a different thing to me. Even though I have a very supportive husband, I do still have days that I don't feel that great about myself. It has nothing to do with him. He is happy that I have find this site so that I can chat with other ladies. However, I truly understand that there are men out there that can make it very difficult for women like us to move on and that makes me very angry and frustrated.
Lilly 55, I was diagnosed with Stage 0 DCIS in my left breast but I decided (with my doctor) to go ahead and have double mastectomy. My bra size was D and I did not feel that great with the way my breast looked to start with but there are days that I do miss them. I mainly wanted to get things over with so that I don't have to go back and do it again. But I do have days that I wish I would have kept the right one. I don't know why I feel the way I do sometimes but it is just the way it is. There are days that I feel great about everything and then there are days that I feel sad. My operation was in 2010 and as years have passed I have started feeling better. About a month ago, I made an appointment to see a doctor about reconstruction and she gave me some options to look over. I also saw some pictures of women who had kept one breast and reconstructed the other one. Some of them had the old breast lifted and fixed up a bit so that it matches the new one. It looked very nice and they truly matched. My cancer doctor did not think it would be good to keep the left side since it did look like I might run into some issues with it in the near future (test results show that). The reconstruction doctor that I saw about a month ago, wants me to see 2 other surgeons about DIEP. She thinks I am a very good candidate for it. I don't know! Part of me feels good about it and part of me wants to just get on with my life. I want to look a little better in my clothes. Anyone has any ideas of tops that we could use if we don't want to wear Prosthesis? I don't feel comfortable when people stare and wearing false boobs are not that comfortable either.
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pip57, what do you wear when you go out? What kind of tops do you wear? Are you comfortable with being flat? Do people stare? I hope you don't mind me asking.
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LSMB4 I have been going flat and just wear regular clothes. No one stares at all. In fact, no one really can tell. It's just not that obvious I guess? Or people are really polite? Though I've even had people that knew I had BC not be able to tell if I'd had my mastectomy yet or not!! It's obvious to me because I went from a DD cup to nothing, but it's not so apparent to others. At first I wore layers, button-up shirts with sweaters etc. and that is still my go-to type of outfit if I want to feel like I look totally normal and pretty and all of that. But I mostly wear t-shirts, tank tops, sweatshirts, etc., just regular clothes, I only avoid low-cut tops (unless I wear a tank underneath) or anything with shaped "cups" (no need to look like a deflated balloon!!)
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Lily55, I feel the same way. The breast that is still here seems superfluous now. I hate wearing foobs and a bra doesn't stay in place anymore. I hate being lopsided. I am actually looking forward to being flat and fabulous.
LSMB, thank you for pointing out that if we are boob-less we have a built in jerk detector. Right on. Definitely having an altered appearance would separate the shallow, immature men from the empathetic men. But we know men are hard wired to like breasts......
Thanks everybody for the great comments and emotional support.
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LSMB, it was Easter here in Greece a few weeks ago. My mother came to spend it with us. We were at the church for Good Friday, and there were lots of people in the courtyard. One of them an older woman, with one breast, wearing a striped, silk, shirt dress. The dress did not disguise at all. My mother and I were sitting there looking at the crowd. My mother made no comment about the woman.
Next evening, we went to a restaurant, and the same woman was there, wearing the same outfit and sitting at the next table. My mother noticed her and recognized her from the church the day before. We were chatting about that, when I mentioned that the woman must have had a single mastectomy. My mother had not noticed, and I don't think anyone else had either.
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LSMB4 ~ I have been flat since 16 Oct 2012. I wear the same clothes I did post BMX. I recently went shopping for new summer clothes. Bought shirts I like. Some show my scars, some not. Some accent my flatness, other not. BUT, they are shirts I like! Ironically, what has changed is the colors I can wear as my hair color has changed with the new hair growth ans some colors wash me out.
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Thank you for your comments, i have done loads of research, only thing i have not done is go to local media as i am too private for that. Most people do not know and i dont want them to, I have searched within two hours in all directions for BC groups and there are none, contacted all cancer associations too, no BC groups, emailed spanish mastectomy groups, no response from them but their publicity and activities indicate they would not be helpful.
I am going to get a private consult with onco PS to see what they suggest, if anything is possible, and then push health system when time is right. I live in a poor area by comparison to others and our health care reflects that as Madrid doctors say immediate reconstruction is a right throughout Spain, mine told me its not, they never do it and they take off several breasts a week but you can get good prosthetics.........we do not even have bc nurses......you truly are on your own.......
The attitudes have been brutal, sensitivity from staff would have gone a long way.....0 -
So pleased to see you're going to have a private consult with the PS, that is a major step in the right direction. Would it be possible to travel to Madrid for consult if this dosn't pan out?
There has to be a way for you to get what you need. Getting good prosthesis is only useful if that is what you actually want. The stress you are under, feeling this pressure, can't be good for your recovery.
I can't help thinking of all the women who must be around you, and possibly in the same situation with no support network.
BC Nurses is a new thing for us too, but we do have a very good network for women, at Dx, and then everything that follows. We are a sports mad nation here, so when a high profile cricketer's wife was Dx, and subsequently passed away, the McGrath Foundation was born, and that is what funds the BC Nurses across the country.
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Specialized nursing is not big here either. I did have a group of chemo nurses who were pretty good, but neither my onc nor my surgeon have specialized nurses (or even regular ones) on their staffs. It would be really helpful if they did. Just a tiny example, although I have seen one or the other doc 8-10 times since finishing active treatment, nobody has taken my BP.
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Thanks - i will only go to a major city for PS consult, probably madrid.....
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About noticing missing breasts, I work with mostly all women in 6 different states and I have never had anyone ask me about my flatness, nor have I ever noticed anyone flat. Once I saw a woman with only one breast but it was crazy, NO ONE but me noticed!She had a tight tshirt on, but no one noticed.
I still think unless you have some fantastic boobs and are showing them off to accent them, no one notices ordinary boobs or flat. It is like glasses, no one notices that you got new ones, even though they are right on your face.
But as I have said before, having one breast for 18 months, I did not care for that. I wore sports bras to pull the remaining breast more flat, (38C) and I felt angry at the remaining breast, and angry at the scar, so I like being completely flat now.
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I was lead to believe by my docs that having chemo first would shrink the tumor and that I would have a lumpectomy and rads. It did not work out that way. I learned 4 days before sx that chemo had reduced the size and put wholes in the tumor, but in order to get clean margins it would require a mx. It caught me by surprise so I was mentally, emotionally and educationally unprepared for that route. I never had a real attachment to my very small breasts. They were even a source of embarrassment at times. I have always had to wear padded bras and swimsuits. Because of the lack of attachment to them in the first place, I never felt the mourning some women do. I wish that I would have had more time to research, read and think about all the options. If I knew then what I know now, I would definitely have had bmx. Even with a small remaining breast, I do NOT like the unbalanced look or the concern of what might be lurking in there!!! I do not have insurance now. If I get insurance in the future I will seek a pmx on the remaining breast.
I do wear a foobs to work. (They do not know about my bc and I do not choose to share it with them.) I go lopsided at home.
I find that clothes are bit more of a challenge. I used to shop and buy without trying on...NOT anymore. I try on everything at the store now. I find bathing suits very frustrating. I have not found/bought a new one since umx (21 months ago). I have tried on a number of suits, but not bought any. I am going to have to get one soon.........
I love the comment about the built in jerk detector!!!!!! That is a great way to put it in to words! I am single and happy being single so right now I am not too concerned about what some guy thinks. Maybe, someday I will meet someone special and I guess then I will see how the "Jerk Detector" works! For today, the comment makes me smile!
Lily good luck on your PS consult. I hope you gain the results you are looking for.
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Lily55, if nothing else, I hope I am not speaking for others but you have us all on this side. We are here to support you in your thoughts and decisions. You are in my prayers.
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Thank you
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LS...I don't wear anything. I buy tops that aren't too low and no darts. Tank tops underneath if I am not confident about the height of the top. I stay away from tight or binding things as they just show the indents. It took a few times before I was comfortable going out in public. Then one day I wanted to wear a top that looked better with breasts so I wore my silicone ones. It just felt odd. And uncomfortable and unatural. So that is when they went back in the drawer.
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There are very few things I don't wear. I have this one lovely black dress that I never wore, but alas, without breasts, it really sags in the wrong places. I find that tops with some sort of design or embroidery tend to camoflague more, but at this point, unless there's actual sagging gaps where the breasts should be, I wear everything. I have no problem with close knit or low cut or tank tops. No one - except one dear friend who's a gay male (and amazingly tuned in to women's appearance) has ever mentioned or asked about it. No stares. No nothing.
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Check out this intro to a 501 c 3 that was advertising for an event in a local magazine (that I was flipping through at my onc's:
"Bridging the Gap Between Breast Cancer and Beauty is dedicated to giving women that “I feel like a complete woman” feeling again. When women have survived the horrible ordeal of breast cancer, and the surgeries that follow, we do not want them left unfinished, but complete, whole and beautiful once again, feeling alive, passionate and most of all NOT forever incomplete and ashamed to undress in a gym.
Bridging the Gap believes in the “complete” process of restoration for our women survivors and therefore will never be satisfied until every woman feels “whole, complete and beautiful” once again.
"The icing on the cake was the my final procedure, Breasthetic nipple areola repigmentation. Thanks to Bridging the Gap foundation I look like a real girl."-Ellen
Are you kidding me? I couldn't believe this was real and had real sponsors...but it does, and plenty of them. Their fundraising "vehicle" is a giant plastic pair of breasts in a sexy bra that you stuff dollar bills into (like a stripper). No kidding. I am beside myself. Needed to vent before I write to them so I don't end up ranting:)
http://bridgingthegapbetweenbreastcancerandbeauty.wordpress.com/about/
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cooka - OMG really how disgusting! We should all write. A few weeks ago I discovered, while doing research for work, that the Palstic Surgery Foundation (of course) offers grants to fund outreach re: reconstruction, sort of with the same philosophy. I get their motivation, $$, but a balanced approach would be nice. Even if Angelina had come out this week saying I choose reconstruction, but it is not for everyone.
One very biased perspective is blocking out all other options. Vent away!
Be well
Nel
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Cooka, I could not believe what I was seeing....and I also have to say I felt a bit ill at the reconstructed breasts, to me they are not acceptable for all the pain and surgeries we must go through to look that way. I certainly don't mean to offend ANYONE, I am just not attracted at all to a reconstructed breast. Which is what made me decide to not get it done.
What a disservice to women!
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It makes me furious. I would be tempted to protest at the local event, with a sign reading, Feeling beautiful without Reconstruction or something of that sort. I don't care if some women need or want to do recon. But to imply that recon is necessary for us to feel whole and beautiful is incredibly insulting.
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That is just revolting!! I had UMX and no one ever pushed me about considering recon. Or suggested I have a consult with a PS "just in case I changed my mind". Or anything like that. If anyone ever suggested to me that I need a fake boob implanted to make me feel "whole and beautiful" I would likely smack them upside the head!!!
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How disgusting! How dare imply that we are any less beautiful as any other woman..We are just as much a woman as we were before BC, now tougher, more determined, yet still a woman. IMHO if the picture of the nipples I saw were "icing on the cake" I'd be looking for another bakery that knew their colors. That was the most unnatural, fake thing I've ever seen.
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I like your attitude..I had a unilateral mastectomy and have not had reconstruction....WHY? because none of the options i have looked at appeal to me.
I have considered the BRAVA reconstruction option but have not had the opportunity to 'feel' the end results...Also, I am a little gun-shy at letting a doctor at my body. I had a less than desirable experience with my post breast cancer experience.....(newly diagnosed BRCA 2......ovarian cancer scare....wish I had had more friends to back me up....you get the picture...end result, unnecessary hysterectomy)...... The good thing about NO reconstruction is......Bras are cheap....My insurance pays for half the price.....I have a better bra collection than i have had in my entire life.....Beautiful....My scar is small .....and although I wish my surgeon would have given me the option to salvage my breast or at least salvage my nipple (I cried and begged to no avail).......she did a good job. If I am going to have a disfigured breast, I would like to have mine over some implant that i have to manage. It has been 3 years now...My scar is almost non-existent.. My chest looks like an 8 year old without a nipple...
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I found those nipples to be very fake looking too. I looked at a lot of pictures before my BMX and found that the reconstruction pictures disturbed me and that I found the mastectomy scars without reconstruction to be more pleasing to me. I also don't want to offend anyone but I felt I would feel worse with the reconstruction options than by being flat. I have never regretted that decision. Those pictures just reaffirmed those feelings.
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MT, where are you? Are you reading about this Icing on Cake organization our sisters have run across? And, metaphorically speaking, are we going to smash this place up?
Again, no worries if anyone chooses recon. And, you know, I was touched by that AJ thing in the times -- not that I want to start talking about her here, I do not! -- in which she sought continuity for her children. I totally see that side of it. That being said, that Icing place is putting out some harmful propaganda, I think.
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I actually had a man with whom I was having sexual relations with say to me ....."It's not that bad".....It actually lets them feel the heart beat better when you are excited. No additional tissue to muffle the heartbeat...
A PLUS!!!!!
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I actually found the whole Angelina Jolie thing made me very angry. What she had done, is in no way typical of what the average bc patient goes through. I don't deny any emotional turmoil she might have gone through at at the prospect that she might develop bc. But it sounds like the surgery she had amounted to removal of some breast tissue in favour of some silicone. She still has her nipples, she still has breasts (with very little scaring I am sure), and she has no change in her outward appearance or the sensation of her body, nor emotional issues to deal with concerning a change of body image. To put her experience in the same category as the average bc patient is insulting. Sorry - just has to get that off my chest (pun intended, lol). I know that my comments stink of jealousy and bitterness, and are probably a reflection of the fact that I haven't been able to 'just get over it', but I am tired of all the talk of 'how brave she is' and 'what an inspiration she is', etc... It makes me sick. ( ok I am finished my rant for the day!!!!)
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