I look for other flat chested women. A rant.
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Wow, I need to get right on this. I can't quite make myself do it at the moment! I was once training for the marathon. Not gaining weight yet, but I am totally out of shape!
You guys are so inspiring.
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Last week I re-joined the gym I used to belong to 2 years ago. I am back to doing a class I have always loved being a combination of yoga, tai chi and pilates. I was very worried I wouldn't be able to do a lot of the positions but was very pleased to find out that my body still works! I can't do planks or anything that requires you to use a lot of chest and arm strength, but I can do most of everything else. I needed this positive feedback from my body as I am still struggling emotionally.
I made a vey small, almost flat, pair of foam foobs to wear inside a t-shirt material sports type bra. I am experimenting to see if I feel any different about myself, or if my mood improves with having 'something' under my shirt. I don't want anyone to notice that I suddenly have a chest (friends did notice and comment when I wore the regular A cup silicone foobs one day), because I don't want to feel I have to explain it to anyone, and I don't want to feel like I have to wear 'something' all of the time. I just need to explore every avenue to see if I can come to terms better with my new body. In some ways it is like going through puberty all over again. My body has changed and I need to adjust. I am also pre-menopausal, so I am going through hormone induced mood swings just like at puberty. Yay! we woman have to go through so many things we have no control over. You have to laugh at yourself, otherwise it's too depressing.
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Hello MT1. I had my surgery back in 2010 and I did not want reconstruction. I just wanted to get on with my life. I am reaching out to see if anyone else has done the same and if we can be in touch and support one another. I do feel lonely and sad a lot of time and I want to be able to talk/chat with someone else that feels the way I do. I need some help. If you can, please contact me. Thank you.
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LSMB4, we have an online support group. It is on FB and called "Flat & Fabulous". You are welcome to join us.
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LSMB4, Indeed we do have the facebook group and all are invited, and it is a private group so what you post there will NOT show up on your other facebook page.
And for about 2 years now I read and post here almost every day, so you are welcomed to join in here every day...it is a great place to share our thoughts. it took me about 4 months to find this board here, and it is a wonderful experience. I too have my first surgery in November 2010...and believe it or not, i am still adjusting...it sure is alot to wrap your head around.
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At Flat and Fab we cover everything, and you get awesome support there too!
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Crystalphm,
I don't use facebook at all. You are not going to believe this but just reading your reply comforted me and made me feel good about having some support out there. Is there another way I can be in contact with Flat and Fab without using facebook? Do you sometimes have sleepless nights because of this situation? There is so much I like to share and know about others. I want to be able to talk about what I am going through with someone that truly understands without feeling sad and sorry for me. I don't want people to pity me. I feel comfortable on this site since many of you have gone throug the same thing as I have and it empowers us to chat with one another. Is it so bad to want to connect to people who understand you? God bless you for replying.
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LSMB4, I'm like you that I don't use Facebook. I am flat and it is what I wanted. Will admit at times the emotions are all over the place. My surgeon told me that is normal but my husband doesn't understand it at all and gets very upset with me, UGH.
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kathindc, I know exactly what you are saying. I give you an exmaple: Yesterday, I heard that Angelina Jolie went ahead for a mastectomy and I thought to myself that it is good to know someone like her is going through the same thing as me and perhaps what I have gone through is not that bad. For love of God, she is a great looking lady. A little fake but not bad looking! It was a strange feeling but I want to be totally honest about it. I just felt normal for a few hours and suddenly the sun was shining brighter. Isn't that odd? I must be worst off than I feel. All that sun and great feeling crap came to an end for me once they announced that she is having reconstruction and keeping her own nipples and all that. Suddenly I started feeling sad and lonely again. It is so hard to explain the feelings. It is not right and I should know better but then it comes like a wave and it hits strong. Husbands are not always the easiest people to talk to. My husband is a good man and supportive but I get more support from you ladies than I get from him. Well... It is a different type of support. I want to feel good about my decisions but sometimes it is soooooo HARD!
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LSMB4, I know what you mean. There are days that I feel like I've conquered the world and then bam I get hit with such feelings of sadness that it blows my mind away. I did my research over the two months that I had between DX and surgery and was very confident in my decisions but I wasn't prepared for the emotional aftermath that hit me months later and now with the anniversaries of biopsy and surgery I'm a mess but can't show that side to my husband. He thinks I should be "over it." He was very supportive and there for me. I was always confident in what I did and how I did things but this has shown me a whole other side of myself that I didn't know was there. I don't like the new me.
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LSMB4 forgot to say my husband doesn't like me one these threads here. It's part of his "get over it" attitude since "you don't have cancer." It's the only place I have found that makes me feel normal and I've gotten answers to some questions I had just by lurking. I guess I should find a counselor but am worried about dh's reaction.
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Kathindc you must do what is right for you? AJ had immediate recon and did not announce until all done with
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Hi all. My husband told me when I had my diagnosis that he thought my BC was a punishment. (For what, I wondered. Being a woman?) OMG. Well, needless to say, we are now separated after 37 years of marriage. I am living in a different house. So not only did I have my BC thing to deal with, I have had my separation and moving all my things. I am a bit surprised I did not have a complete mental breakdown. Maybe I haven't fully comprehended my experience. I have been worried that maybe my crash is yet to come..... These forums have saved my life in more ways than one. Thank you to all who post and support.
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In a lot of ways I'm so glad to be going through this mostly by myself and I don't have a husband or mate to worry about on top of all of these body issues while going through chemo and recovering. I know that a lot of "other halves" are spectacular people who fully support but I know that some do NOT and can make life more difficult. I feel for you ladies that don't have that unconditional support that we need so much right now, especially from those we share our lives with! I don't know how we can ever "get over it". It just gets easier as time goes on to ACCEPT it.
My mother went through a uni-lateral when she was 63 3 yrs ago while being the sole caregiver for her 83 yr old husband. She didn't get reconstruction. Now that he has passed away she wonders about dating again or if she'll ever have a man again. It's tough but we women need to take care of ourselves first, we are the most important thing! Our men should be doing everything and anything to fully support us during all of this!
My ex-husband (divorced for 13 yrs) who I see just about every week when he picks up our son for hangout time... he doesn't really have a clue what I'm going through and says strange things to my son about what is happening to me. He lost his mother when he was 13 (36 yrs ago) to Leukemia and is basing my recovery only on what he knows from what she went through. I don't feel like having detailed discussions with him about my chemo and things but I DO tell my son absolutely everything that he needs to know and then some and he doesn't worry about me at ALL and helps me out so much. He's a great kid.
I am happily very much single and have been for quite some time. I'm not sure what will happen if I decide to start dating again but I do know that I have a GREAT filter to weed out the jerks! No boobs!
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kathindc, my husband is the same way. He feels and says that I need to count my blessings and move on. It is hard to explain to him that in a society that puts so much emphasis on breast, it is hard to move on! I am so blessed that I have this site and people like you to talk to. We help one another and we will move forward and it will get better. The sunny days will increase in number. This is only one of many lives we will live. I do believe in reincarnation and sometimes I wonder if I can just go ahead and get started with my next life (maybe I will be Kate Middelton's daughter). Wouldn't that be nice? I live around Boston and after the bombing a month ago, I got to see a number of women younger than me that have to deal with not having their legs and I feel for them. That is a vital part of our body. Breast is not a vital part of our body. I guess reincarnation is not that great if you get to come back to this earth again as a human. Can you imagine going through something like what we have dealt with or worst all over again? Do you want to go back to relive your teenage years again. NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW NOW? Next time you have one of those bad days, send a message and I do the same and we will comfort one another. I know the feeling. At times I want to be happy and cheerful but I just cannot. I am happy we have a place to chat.
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redboots, You want to hear something interesting? When I found out about my breast cancer, I thought it was a punishment for something bad I did. I am not perfect but I was really starting to wonder about what kind of God would punish a person in this way. Your ex is gone and thank God for that! If God wanted to punish us, I am very sure he would think of a greater way to do it. Actually I think God loves us and does not mean for us to be in harm's way. What we are going through is not God's doing. It has to do a lot with the way we live our lives these days. So many things in our enviornment. I do ask myself "why me" sometimes. It just does not seem fair. Does it?
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rockermom66, I like what you said. Filtering the jerks!!! Wonderful!!! You made me laugh. You made my day. Thank you.
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Most men do not get it, breasts are mentioned or referred to every single day.........
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rockermom,
58 single, in the process of divorce that began before DX and then was put on hold. I wonder about dating as well, but love the filter for jerks! Made me laugh as well
Be well,
Nel
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It would be great to hear from some ladies (no reconstruction) who have started a relationship after their surgery. Anyone out there that wishes to share? I like to know what it is like to start dating after the surgery. How do you get to the subject? Do you tell him right away or do you wait a while? What type of reactions? Please share if you are out there. I am positive that for some of us there happens to be a man who is enlightened enough to know better. BUT men are men and majority of them have proven themselves to be immature and shallow. For example: They would not date us if we have hair on our legs. Isn't that pitiful!? meanwhile we accept them even though they have moved very little down the line of the evolution. Sorry! That is how I feel.
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I haven't been on for a couple days. I know there are many men who are jerks, but I just want to say that there are good men out there as well. My husband has been wonderful throughout. He agreed with my decision to not reconstruct, saying he didn't want me undergoing additional pain and risk for something that would have no feeling and only be cosmetic. The night before my MX, I was crying about losing the breasts, and he told me, "I like the breasts, but I love you." He was worried about me getting through the surgery ok. Has never by word or deed in the two years shown anything but love and desire for me. During the time when I was still having emotional problems over the loss, he was so supportive.
I don't think he beamed in from another planet. There are other men like him out there.
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How long did it take most of you to get over the loss of your breast/s? Do you think it is easier when you lose both?
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Hi Lily,
I think you'll find women all over the map on that question. It varies so much with our own self image, how important our breasts have been to us, our age, even where we are in relationships.
For myself, while I loved my breasts, after a second primary cancer in three years (after the first I had a lumpectomy and rads) I knew that I wanted both breasts removed (the second cancer was in the contralateral breast). My husband was extremely supportive (and actually hoped I wouldn't have reconstruction). I honestly never grieved about the loss of my breasts. Which isn't to say I don't miss them at times. But here and through my work at BreastFree.org, I realize that some women grieve for a long time, including those who choose to have reconstruction.
For me, I think having both breasts removed actually made it easier. Symmetry was important to me and I felt more balanced having both removed. Also, when I wear breasts forms I'm able to be a very small size and perfectly matched. But also, I did have cancer in each breast and wouldn't have had peace of mind if I hadn't had both removed. All my doctors agreed with my decision.
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Alexandria, so glad to hear your story of a supportive wonderful man. I too, have a truly supportive man who said "Wow! that will heal really well! You don't need two boobs to be gorgeous!" when he saw my 16 hour old scar for the first time. He's a keeper!
I feel so much for the women here who don't have that kind of backup or support from their husbands or partners. I know this reaction from my husband was, and is, a huge part of the reason I have accepted the change in my body the way I have.
Lily, in answer to your question, I truly don't think I have felt I had to "get over" the loss of my breast as such. I viewed it as more the removal of the disease. I disengaged from my breast the night before my surgery, which wouldn't be for everyone, but somehow it worked for me.
Strangely enough, the loss of my breast has not been a really emotional thing for me, but in saying that, I am glad to still have my other natural breast. I can't speak for how I'd feel if I had lost both. It was never discussed as an option for me. I do know, though, if there was a hint of anything in the other side I would remove it in a heartbeat.
I have mentioned before that my Mother had BC in '94. I cared for her at home for three years after she was Dx with Dementia, years later. So I had been well exposed to her, and her scar, which was pretty brutal since she had a Radical Mx and a full axillary clearance. Since she was the only person I had been exposed to with cancer, and non reconstructed, I learned from her. She was 68, had just lost my Father four months earlier, and she blew everyone away with the way she handled it. Full of grace and dignity, with a wicked sense of humor. I was so proud of her.
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THanks - I disengaged from my breast too and wanted it gone as the cancer was so extensive, but the lop sidedness and lack of symmetry is what upsets me more.....hard to explain but I am never comfortable, too large to go bra free and never comfortable with a prosthetic.....tried loads so always always reminded.
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"I viewed it as more the removal of the disease." Yes! As soon as I knew, I felt like I had sticks of dynamics strapped to my chest. For me it was in many ways a relief to be rid of them.
Besides they had gotten soft after I had my kid. It was so bad that they touched my ribcage, something that annoyed and grossed me out every, single, blessed day for 20 years.
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Lily, I guess I "got over it" within a couple of weeks after my surgery. But that is strictly in regard to my appearance/comfort in my own skin -- and I think it would have taken much longer (if ever!) to be at peace with my appearance if I had only one removed. I just can't imagine myself feeling comfortable with one breast.
There are other things I don't know that I will ever get over, and I know there will be a whole new grieving process when that loss is highlighted. For example, if I am ever able to have another kid, I feel like I will go through a major depression not being able to breastfeed. And then there is also the loss of sensation that I imagine will bother me when I'm able to be sexually active again (hasn't been an issue yet because I'm in the middle of chemo & morally opposed to birth control). I know it will take a while to get over those things and right now it feels like it may not even be possible.
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It took me a number of months to get over it. The first summer, i was very self-conscious. Now, I rarely even notice or think about it.
Ariom, I am with you in feeling for women who've had non-supportive partners. I do think my husband's attitude has certainly been a big factor in my attitude.
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Lily...I had the other breast removed 10 mths after beginning tx for bc. I found it much easier and more comfortable after having them both removed. That is my experience.
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Thank you - yes I need a reconstruction or the other one off, being like this forever is not an option for me, I don´t enjoy the other one anymore as it reminds me of the one I lost and I would rather have a simple mx than run the risk of losing lymph nodes on that side too
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