Bone Mets Thread
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Hi. I'm sorry but I need to vent
Last week my son asked if I was making the first night of Rosh Hashona for him and his family. Although it's too difficult for me I asked him if he could do it but if not Id bring in. He said it was too much because he works and his kids are in school (his wife doesn't work). I then said I'd order all the food at a place near him( where I lived for 28 years) But he said that wouldn't work cause he'd be coming from work and his family was taking the train. I started to stress out. Especially since I'm working all day on Wednesday. But of course I called my nephew to join us and he told me that he and his sister were going to my sons house the second night. Upon hearing this I freaked out. My husband called my son and told him that it's too much for me but we'd be happy to join him the second night with the rest of the family. Of course my son said he'd get back to him. Well he did today and we're not invited. Reasons were lame. His wife feels that she walks on egg shells with us. But she's ok to come to me? I am beyond upset. I am ready to divorce him from my life but it's so hard due to his dear daughters. Truthfully he's been such a source of aggravation to me. He's MIA in my care and and I hardly see the girls. So torn
Babs
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Oh, Babs, I feel so bad for you! You don't need this aggravation during High Holy Days with everything you're going thru already, for pete's sake!
MEN!!!!
They just don't get it. So he expects YOU to do it all? And his wife DOESN'T WORK?!?!
Heaving exasperated sigh here....you may just have to "temporarily" extricate yourself from his life. Clearly he has different priorities when it comes to his dear mother, who is valiantly battling Stage IV cancer!
Don't beat yourself up over any decision you make. Incidentally, DH and I have discussed the prospect of just going away for the winter holidays this year. I am NOT going to whip up another big holiday dinner, like I did last year....I'll still be on the darn Taxol [I will start in 2 wks...so I'm enjoying this remaining time and normal stomach/bowel function - I know, TMI - while I can.]
Blow off all the steam you need,
L
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Lita gr8 idea, why not have a grand time! And you are totally right about doing what's good for you.
Babs, i am shaking listening to how upset you are!!! Oh my, do I have what to say!! Well, how about you invite someone in the building? Someone that actually would like to be in your company? You know family you can't choose, but friends you could. He is born into our family, but unfortunately i think men ever more than girls will give in to their partner's whim. And if she is not keen about you, either because she is plain jealous of his love for you (yeah...back when), or because she wants all the attention, but if it's broken and you did try to fix it, why make yourself so miserable.
Maybe just maybe if you will kinda ignore him, like a little kid, he might feel guilty or even really miss you. Please you cannot eat yourself up because of this. Try to speak to the little ones, if that works, maybe you could take them out from time to time, or face time on the phone, you can only try.
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Sounds like the wife has him by the balls, babs. We all have that friend or family member that put themselves first in worst ways, it's sad and frustrating. Sorry.
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Babs. That's just awful. You really can't do much about your dil. As for your son, well I have a 3 and they never listen to me. It's really sad they don't realize how hard it is to have a big holiday dinner and be stage 4. I have no advice except to take care of yourself . Maybe he will get some sense. He has to live with his wife so maybe that's enough. Write a note to your grands and tell them about the holiday when you were young. Give it to them the next time you see them. It will make a memory for them. Take care. Mair
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Oh Babs!
Make it meaningful for you...it is a Holy Day...not a restaurant where he makes reservations and critiques the menu and service. Sheesh.
Think about your DH and youramazing daughter and SIL who love you dearly!
I wish family members were able to understand..
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Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. I am just devastated. While I know he has to live with his wife this is just beyond mean and hurtful
Bab
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So sorry Babs. It's just rude and selfish on their part.
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Babs - keep your eye on the prize, which is you relationship with his daughters, and let every other screwed up thing go. The daughter in law is an ass but until he wants to divorce her, he needs to back her up. He made some bad decisions for sure but it's all so much bigger than this one dinner ... not fixable tonight, this week or maybe ever.
My blood family is a piece of work too. Only my brothers and father left. They never ask me how I am doing, but my father does take the time to point out that I am making a big deal out of nothing and that my kids will be fine without me. Involved in my care? HAHAHHAHA . We do not choose our family, that is for sure. But so many other good people around in this world ...
>Z<
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Babs, I'm so sorry you are going through such a hurtful experience! Someone needs to wake him up to everything you are going through! It's just so unfair to you!!! Sending you hugs!!!!
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Oh, Babs! How awful for you, particularly when you tried to come up with a compromise and that got shot down too. I guess you feel you'll miss an opportunity to see the girls if you just tell your son you aren't up for it? Just as an idea, could you do the easier parts at home, then everyone go out to a restaurant for the main meal? I apologize, I know so little about the holiday...only what I could find on Google. According to that, it seemed like the challah and honey were the main event, then fruit? And after that there was some leeway in food interpretation?
Alternatively, does the take-out place have a delivery service?
But if the whole thing turns out to be more stressful than it's worth, don't be afraid to say, "no, sorry". A holiday is supposed to be about closeness, and if you feel manipulated and bullied into holding it, then it just isn't worth it! I'm sure you have friends who would love your company for the evening.
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Great news Animal Crackers. Always a relief when things are stable. Glad you are feeling better Chellie. Those emotional crashes are bad. Had a few myself. Hope everyone is doing. Hugs to everyone!
Anita
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Babs it sounds to me the wife is also to blame for this situation. What a can of worms does life really need to be this difficult. Nobody needs this kind of stress least of all a stage four cancer patient. It could be so easily resolved if everyone just went at the same time. I agree it's okay for her to walk on eggshells at your house but not here's. She needs to get over herself your the one who's sick. Sorry but this kind of stuff gets me going. I don't have a good relationship with my German in laws at all so I get this (I'm the wrong race apparently) . I hope you get this sorted without too much drama
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Oh, Babs, I'm so sorry. That is just so hurtful. I'm so sorry. You know, it's almost laughable that they would invite themselves for a holiday dinner and not be willing to at least help you figure it out when you are working and dealing with mbc. I think I would tell them that you don't have the energy to cook the entire meal, but if they can figure out picking up some of the food (give them a list... they're adults and can figure out a more convenient place or order delivery), you can do some of it -- maybe just a favorite dish or two.
I hope it works out. Hugs, Deanna
PS ~ One more thought... I realize this has been going on for years, but any possibility of asking the difficult DIL how the two of you can get beyond what's been going on, from her perspective? She sounds like a spoiled brat, but aside from that, I'm wondering where the "walking on egg shells" attitude is coming from, since she seems to be the inconsiderate one.
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Babs, There is no good answer to your dilemma. We work hard to bring up our children to be caring, responsible adults, then sometimes they turn around and marry someone with emotional issues that cannot be resolved. Although our children can choose their spouses, we cannot pick our children-in-law. It does seem that many parents maintain closer contact and relationships with their daughters than with their sons. Why? Who knows! I think that some women are a bit intimidated by particularly wonderful mothers-in-law. Do they feel that they cannot live up to example that the mil has set? Do they not know how to take their rightful place in the family? Are they just nervous? Are they afraid of being a disappointment?
One of my sons once told me that his wife thought I didn't like her. My brain was spinning, trying to think of something that I had ever done or said that would make her feel that way. I could think of NOTHING! He said there was no particular reason, but he felt like he was put in the middle. I told him that he should never be in the middle when it come to his wife and me. If there is ever a question about where his allegiance belongs, it belongs clearly with his wife. Things are fine now, but I am as confused about how it was resolved as I was about how it started.
I know your situation hurts, but I think that you have made reasonable suggestions, and they were rejected. Your son is an awkward situation, but if he turned against his wife, how would you feel? You probably instilled in him a high sense of responsibility for his wife and children because your own family bonds are strong. It pains me to hear that you have little opportunity to spend time with your granddaughters. It is a loss for you and for them, not to mention for your son. I feel that it should not be up to you to solve the problem. Until your dil gets over her hang ups, the issue will continue. Would your son be willing to let you take your granddaughters to lunch, or shopping, or to the park so you can have some together time?
Hugs and prayers, Lynne
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Babs- this is so hard. I have to say I hear it a lot, so think it is more common than you think.. As 50sgirl says-you often have no idea how it started. I wonder if a sit down with the 4 of you (DH,DS,DIL and you) with a mediator to try to clear the air with no blame could help. It's the grandkids who will suffer greatly without you. Grandparents are so vital (IMO) they can be such a wonderful positive for the kids.
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Thank you all
We asked our son and DIL to go into counseling with us when things first went bad. They weren't interested. We've had a few sit downs. She likes to rehash what happened years ago - all things we've apologized for adnauseum even though we didn't intentionally do anything wrong. ( She is emphatic that whatever we did do wrong was on purpose). We can't move forward if she wants to stay in the past. Through these last 5 years with multiple hospitalizations ( surgeries & bouts of major cellulitis) chemo, radiation etc she's never once asked me how I am. And for the most part my sons been MI
I think I'm just plain tired. It's always ok for me to have them for meals even while I'm doing chemo but when they're already doing the holiday with parts of my family we're not included. I am tired of their using my dear granddaughters as the carrot to make us jump through hoops. We only see the girls 3-4 times a year. We're not allowed to be alone with them. We're not allowed to baby sit them even though my son says they hardly go out due to the expense of a babysitter ( But we baby sit for my cousin's grandkids ) I'm tired of sucking it up to have a relationship that isn't a relationship at all. And finally I'm just done. They cause me too much emotional stress and make me cry all too often. I don't understand their being so cruel. My DIL is behind this but my son allows it. As easy as my DH is this could never have happened in our house. There is a line in the sand!
I made plans to go for dinner Wednesday night with my brother and his gf. Thursday we'll just chill by ourselves and Friday good friends invited us.
Babs
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Babs - sending you love and hugs! So sorry you have to deal with such heartache. I've wanted to respond to your earlier post but was just too upset by it and couldn't come up with anything helpful. Sounds like you've got it in hand. Ugh! Family can be so hurtful.
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Babs. That sounds like exactly the nice evening you need. I find that breast cancer gives me permission to leave broken things unfixed. Never felt that way before ...
>Z<
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Babs, your heartbreak is so palpable in your posts! I feel so much empathy for you and your situation. I have a few issues with my dil, but nothing as bad as yours. I want to say 2 things to you. 1. Sometimes a relationship with whoever can become so toxic it effects your qol, at that point, for yourself, you must be selfish and let that toxic relationship go. 2. Like many before him, your ds will realize his mistake when it is too late for the two of you, but hopefully it will open his eyes to her.
I hope you enjoy your holiday with good friends and put all thoughts of them behind you. Create your own new memories.
My Dh and ds had to do that because my relationship with my mother was so toxic. We started going snowskiing every year over Christmas to get away from her. We would spend the week skiing, and then if we were in California, we would go see dhs family. It worked for us! Were have great memories from those trips!
Its hard at first, but ultimately, you have to take care of you!
Love, hugs and prayers
Claudia
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Babs,
Now that I have had some time to "sleep" on it (wow - - 3 whole hours on steroids!), I wanted to chime in a bit. Your primary relationship now is with your wonderful granddaughters. Her Royal HIghness - this selfish woman - is NOT going to change any time soon. Once a person's personality is set, that's pretty much it. She's an adult, she won't budge. You must do all you can to preserve an intact relationship with the girls. If you can't see them on a regular basis, I suggest the "old school" letter writing avenue. You can write to each of them individually and tell them how special they are, your hopes and dreams for them, and how happy and proud you are of them. This will give them REAL mementos they can keep and treasure for the rest of their lives. Grandmothers and granddaughters share a very special bond, and having something something tangible from you may help.
It's not worth beating your head against a wall over all this, and I'm sure you know that. I'm just so sorry these kinds of people exist in the world. I didn't have a very good r'ship with my late MIL, but I never let it get in the way of family gatherings or my DH spending time with her. As a matter of fact, HE was her primary caretaker after she had her stroke and had to go into assisted living, etc. We all have to make allowances for family dynamics, and you're just going to have to give her a "pass" on this and keep moving forward for your own sanity and peace of mind.
I'm sure you will continue to find the best way to navigate thru all of this, but it's sucks big time when you're a STAGE IV patient. This woman obviously walks around with a mirror in front of her face, only worrying about how things will impact HER. No compassion or empathy whatsoever. Not to end on a sour note, but what really concerns me is the "lesson" the girls are deriving from all this. Kids SEE EVERYTHING. They know what's going on, and I worry how THEY will treat their own MILs in the future after observing the "concern and respect" this woman has demonstrated towards you.
You continue to inspire me with your "can-do" attitude and working thru chemo.
Keeping you in my best thoughts,
L
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Dear ladies. I haven´t posted to this thread, but I sure have read it a constanlty and admire you all. I am spending a lot of time in this forum for my mom, who is not good in English. Her cancer story started in 2014 with stage IV de novo. She had bone mets and bone marrow involvement. Her hemoglobine was really low. She started hormonals. Arimidex failed in two months with new bone mets coming up on CT scan and then she was switched to faslodex until february this year (for approx two years on this TX) after she started to have pain in her knees which after PET scan were believed to be new mets. She never had any scans below her pelvis before though. Also, her hemoglobine which had been stable had gone lower again so she did have some progression for sure and she started chemo this March. First was docetaxel. She had new PET scan 3 months later and it showed some improvement. Yet, because she did not tolerate it very well, she was swiched to Navelbine which was gentle for her. She tolerated it well and was living quite a normal life despite knee pain which has actually never left during chemo. She had her appetite and energy back although her hemoglobine has been on the low side throughout this year.Three weeks ago she had CT scan to see how the internal organs were doing and there was no changes there. Lungs and liver were normal. Today she went to the Onc who stated that hemoglobine had gone too low again and she needs transfusion (she does not feel tired or anything which has always amazed her doctors) and also tumour markers have gone up. As I have understood, onc does not take markers regularly but checks them when there are some symptoms. Anyway, she was given Xeloda pills. Starting with dose 4000 mg per day. Onc told her that if she starts feeling bad SE-s, she should stop taking them until next visit in three weeks. What makes me wonder is that whether this is too quick run through her options? I have read about treatment lines and calculating them all, she is on her 5th already
How many can one have? Are they going to say stop at one point and tell her to wait until the C moves to her internal organs... I am just overwhelmed by this a little. Thank you for some thoughts if you have any to share. Forgot to add that she has always been on biophosponates as well. Xgeva now and Zometa before.0 -
Morning ladies so had my first vitamin C infusion yesterday they added in some Chinese wormwood for good measure apparently a trial was done in Germany on this one and I figured wth I'm done chemo for now let's hit cancer when it's down with some hippy stuff. Here is a shot I took of part of theninformthey gave me . Sorry copied it from fb as t was on my phone camera lol.
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Let us know how it works for you.
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Wendy - I think you should follow your inner hippy with abandon at this point. I can't think of a better time. You are doing so well that the standard of care has nothing to offer at this point.
Artemesinin, the active ingredient in wormwood, is a serious drug. Scientists are working to optimize it and they have patented synthetic dimers that are 100X more effective than the naturally found monomer against cancer, at least in a pietrie dish.
You can go full on hippy and stick with wormwood, which has a bit of artemesinin and the magic of the whole plant. You can add a little science to your hippy by taking a synthetic dimer of artemesinin, or rather a mixture of pure artemesinin and two synthetic dimers that have been shown to be highly active against cancer. The dose that you get from that link is for a 100lb person.
Artemesinin is very cool. I stopped taking it because it almost certainly interacts with Ibrance. But I am thinking of stopping Ibrance for a while. Thank you for reminding me about artemesinin. It was entirely without side effects for me.
>Z<
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Wendy, was the vitamin C infusion prompted by a labs deficiency or did you request it?
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Anyone know how to inquire about that trial? I already do high-dose Vitamin C IVs at my alt doc, and I love them.
JJ
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illimae I have finished chemo for a bit and I just wanted to hit the cancer with whatever I had been looking at before but couldn't do because of the chemo. I do it at a holistic none profit clinic here in Vancouver mistletoe is next.
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Just back from MO she is starting me on Ibrance. We will do a PET in December. She is concerned that we really hit the lesions on my spine are at C2 and C3. My most significant pain is from arthritis in opposite hip and lesions on thoracic spine not the cervical. Xgeva with Faslodex today. No pain with shots today. Took a walk after I got home. I have always had white count issues so hoping Ibrance doesn't send me into neutropenia. I had to stop AC after 3 because of 3 hospitalizations. I really don't know if I should tell my DH about the cervical issue and what it could mean. Just very tired and exercise is getting harder. Have to stop after walking 20 minutes and then try again. 6 months ag I could walk 2.5 miles with no problem. Oh well . Just the beginning of this road so I'll keep on. I'll read up on Ibrance thread.
Hope you are feeling better Babs and Lita.
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hello my sisters, I have been reading thru thread, so much happens so fast.
Maire67-- I was on Ibrance for over a year, part of clinical trial. I knew I was getting the drug right away because I only wanted to sleep. I was neutrapenic, doses wore lower, I did get 1 neupogen injection.
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