The Hermit Club
Hey all.....just got done reading a great thread under this topic about feeling like a hermit through this process, was wondering who else out there feels like cocooning themselves right now? I'm mid treatment with my chemo, and have basically isolated myself somewhat because I feel that all my energy is expended just trying to survive the day, and take care of hubby and my pooch. I'm basically an introvert and homebody anyway, and I know that it's sometimes hard to find others like ourselves to share with. I have dealt lately with people saying, oh, you really need to get out, or, you really need to call someone up, and constantly pushing me to socialize because they couldn't handle being at home so much.....I'm pretty content right now, and I'm trying not to let others make me feel guilty! Anyhow, hermits and introverts with bc, unite!
Comments
-
But now since I am retired of course I don't leave my house everyday I worked forever and now I stay home alot and love it. I'd rather use the computer for e-mails--since I'm just learning, love TV, the newspaper and cuddling with my cat. And I too hear u should do this or that and I think why if I don't feel like it. I've had a busy life with kids on my own, 2 jobs sometimes and I am tired of people telling me what they think of things about cancer when they/ve never experienced it and now I want to choose my busy. It's true I should walk more, but it's difficult since I barely feel my feet anymore. I have Le and sometimes it's very uncomfortable to me. I don't wish this on anyone---but don't judge me --that's how I feel, right or wrong I don't know but it is what it is. LOL
0 -
I can relate. I admit I hit the "ignore" button on phone calls. It takes effort not to isolate. I am just overwhelmed I think. Sad thing is, I'm afraid people will eventually stop trying. I have been off work since April recovering from lumpectomies and now gearing up for bilat mastectomy. This site is helping me realize that this is not an easy process. Sometimes I feel self conscious that friends and family don't understand.
0 -
I was a happy homebody before this, so I guess I dont mind being alone so much, although I do like having friends! Beckers, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it takes effort! Effort I don't seem to have right now
Camillegal, I want to choose my busy too! So many other things are out of control in life, at least that's something I can control, lol!0 -
I am in this club! I have always been able to amuse myself and not been very social - all the years as a SAHM I only had a couple friends and a group of online friends/moms. But I don't mind being alone. I can read, watch TV, putter around the house, etc... I worked part time in retail for about four years until my diagnosis but the people I met on the job, I would consider acquantances more than real friends. I do still keep up with a couple of them.
My closest friends are probably my mom and my SIL. My SIL made the comment the other day that she didn't know who I had been talking to for the last few weeks but it hadn't been her - and I just wanted to tell her that sometimes it is hard to talk to people who are "normal". It is hard to hear about people's ordinary problems and issues when I am concerned with this damn disease all the time. And it makes me jealous. I am jealous of people making plans, worrying about petty things, etc...
But anyway, the main downside I find to spending too much time alone (or just with my kids/DH, I am never alone in the summer) is that I worry more and obsess more. It does help distract from my own head to talk to other people about ordinary things so I am trying to do more of that. Even if it is just email/FB, whatever. I really hate to talk on the phone. I prefer to email/text/write.
0 -
Hi kt......I hate the phone too. I get tired of talking about cancer, and right now there's nothing else really going on in my life right now! I feel like such a bore!
I had worked as a nurse for a while, after my kiddos were in high school. They are in college now, and 2 1/2 hours away. My hubby works a wonky schedule, different every week; our schedules never matched up, so I decided to stay home, and I'm glad I did! And then this diagnoses, right when we were going to travel more.......(sigh).0 -
Well, I like talking cancer with you guys
(actually, I wish none of us had to talk about it)0 -
I think that is part of it - that it is all we have to talk about - drs appts, labs, chemo, so it is hard to have other conversations!
I think I am going to see Magic Mike with SIL next week - so that will give me something else to think about, lol!
0 -
Great! And I want to hear about how the movie was!
0 -
Hi girls. I can relate. I almost wasn't sure why I'm being like this as far as wanting to isolate. Maybe it's just part of the process. Breast cancer, even when caught earlier, is such a lengthy and complicated ordeal. I want my normal life back, but the further away from it I get, I wonder how easy it will be to get back into it. Hmmm.
0 -
I really enjoy coming here, but I have so many questions--because I never asked any--LOL so now I have an interest why I don;t feel like I used to cuz I thought I would. And I understand an feel all the stories I read so relating all of this I get.
0 -
Cami, I know I have been thinking I should feel better because surgery was in April. I don't know why I am still tired. Sometimes worry they didn't get it all or that biopsy unleashed it in my blood stream. I think it's a lot to deal with in general.
0 -
Beckers it is still early this operation takes alot out of u (no pun) some women longer than others.
0 -
I can relate Hadley.....my friends say, when I ask them how their doing, "oh, I don't want to talk about my silly problems", and they bring it right back to my cancer. I've had to be upfront with them, and tell them I'm not trying to be rude, but I really don't want to talk about that, I want to hear about them! I think time will help with this. But it is frustrating!
0 -
Hello ladies, all of the above !
I think it may be some kind of protection mechanism.
For myself, I find some people sensitive enough especially in the medical profession but then some others are downright mean and I can't allow mean people around me, it's a matter of surviving through these gruesome times.
I've always been very independent - my motto: "You are never better served than by yourself" and it's never been truer.
I long for calm, peace and serenity and I don't see anyone on the horizon who is going to bring me this. People expect me to be all right now, cured, it's all over, treatment finished, right ? No it's not, it's never going to be over - this is part of my life now, I can never be the person I used to be.
I underwent a sea change
0 -
Hadley, it is strange. Some shy away from you because they don't know what to say, others are kind of smothering, some that you expect to be able to lean on are not there for you. One of my best friends was diagnosed with stage IV inflammatory breast cancer a few years back and she would call me often. Honestly I had no idea what she was going through!!! I think only going through it can you understand. That's why I love these discussions.
Maud I think it may be a protective mechanism. I am tired and sometimes just don't have the energy for small talk. It almost feels irritating at times. I am in a waiting pattern for the big surgery and have plugged in here to help keep my sanity. Do you think it is a good thing to be a hermit or a sign of depression?0 -
I think it depends.....how was your personality before BC? Do you enjoy your alone time? I love having friends, but I'm definitely not as extroverted as my hubby. I always need to recoup from gatherings!
0 -
I definitely enjoy my alone time. I need it. I think it's that I don't want to talk to people I used to talk to.
0 -
I love this topic, and I can really relate. For a long time after my diagnosis, it was easy to be a hermit because I was so sick from chemo. Now, it has been a little over a year since chemo ended, and I am probably more antisocial now than I was when I was sick.
For me, a lot of it is what beckers said, I don't have the energy or the patience for small talk. Another piece is what some of the rest of you mentioned, which is I find it hard to relate to other people anymore. Or people just get on my nerves with the things they say about my cancer. Or the questions they ask. In the case of people I haven't talked to in awhile, I dread having to update them on my health. Or explain how even though my cancer is not doing anything right now, I am still not cured, and I am still going to die from this disease unless something else kills me first.
Sometimes I wonder if what I have been through hasn't just killed my ability to make myself do things I don't want to do...because no matter what people say to me (or more likely ABOUT me) I don't change my isolating behavior. I know a lot of people in my life don't understand, but I have convinced myself that this works for me. I am lucky to have a supportive husband who puts up with it too. ( ;0 -
Jejik, you are fortunate to have a supportive hubby. Mine is isolating also. We moved out of state last summer, I lost benefits and had to transfer back to Calif and now I need my benefits more than ever. I also feel like I need him too but he has informed me he is going back to Oklahoma no matter what after I recover from BMX and recon. He thinks BC ends there. Yes I hope so but what if not? A lot going thru my head.
I actually tried to call my best friend back (after 3 or 4 days of not doing so) but she just seemed distracted by what's on her TV. Irritates me. I just prefer to be alone right now. I guess that's ok. Breast cancer changes you doesn't it?0 -
Hi Beckers, good luck with your surgery, everything will go fine
I know that everyone jumps to the conclusion that this could be depression. I don't buy it. For one, like you, I just don't have the energy to be around people (some can really suck it out of you), two, I get frazzled by small talk, never really liked it
When they ask 'How are you' I get the feeling that they don't really want to hear the answer, so that is exactly what I say 'you don't want to know'
Three, this is all about me, me, me: someone started a thread about taking care of oneself. I have always taken care of everybody around me, now it's MY turn - I need to take care of ME. ME ME - ME TIME. I can't have anybody leaning on me, they have to take care of themselves. So, I've put up a barrier and some people don't like it. Too bad ! I hope they get the message
I cannot relate anymore to the 'normal' people like Kltb so aptly said. Most people not walking in our shoes have this "carefreeness" about them that I have a hard time with. For the most part, they believe that cancer can be cured and that I'll be just fine. I have given up on educating them, I've lost patience
Ditto Jejik: what I have been through has killed my ability to make myself do things I don't want to do.
So, I believe it is some sort of protection mechanism, a proactive stress management tool and if we were introverts to begin with, well it just brings out the best in us
For me, it is pure delight ! And if and when I get the lonely itch, I, I, I pick up the phone, watch a movie, go out window shopping, walk along crowdy streets, but I am so thankful to get back to my own little islandI am so sorry that your husband has given you what sounds to me like an ultimatum, hopefully, he'll reconsider, maybe have him talk with your onco so that he gets the drift....moving would be the last think I would want to do right now, I feel more secure being close to my medical team, for now anyways
0 -
Hi everybody,
I can relate to what everyone is saying. I was an introvert before I got sick. Being alone has always been rejuvenating for me. When I was dx'd with HIV and got really sick from that and the meds to treat it, I had to stop working. Over the years most of my friends have drifted away but I don't have much energy for making new ones, socializing a lot, etc.
And now with bc, I have even less energy for b.s., small talk, educating others about my illness(es), etc. etc.
But sometimes it's a fine line between needing to be alone to recuperate and isolating myself due to depression. I'm making an effort to go to support groups and get out once in awhile but I can go days or even weeks without speaking to anybody but my husband. He's a real extrovert, and has a part-time job as a musician on top of his regular full-time job. The only family I have aside from him is a brother who lives in another state ...
0 -
Another issue I struggle with is wanting people to know - even casual friends - when they ask me how I am is that BC isn't a cancer that is just "cured" - the fear of recurrrance will loom forever. I get tired of hearing the "oh, well by this time next year this will all be over." So I feel the need to educate them to counteract the pink washing they hear in general society.
Speaking of being a hermit, I find I am very introverted when I go for TX - my infusion room is wide open - 3 walls of recliners and IVs with no dividers or anything. And I don't want to chat with other people about what they are in for. I am so chatty on here with other members but IRL, I just don't want to get into it...my mom goes back there with me sometimes but when she isn't there, I just keep my head buried in my Kindle or on my phone.
0 -
kitb04, I get tired of educating people too. I had a friend ask me, "so are you cured now?" Grrr.
0 -
Haha kltb04..........I always pick my favorite recliner in the corner. Our room is totally open; about 15 recliners, no partitions, and you can hear everything going on with everyone else.......no privacy. I too, keep my head buried in my iPad.
0 -
Sometimes I put my earphones in even though I am not listening to anything, lol!
0 -
I was a hermit long before I had BC. I like to be alone. My kids are always around, so I'm not really alone, but I'm quite happy without much of a social life other than close family. I did have a regular girls night out with my sister and a few other friends a few times a month, but not since my DX as I don't think I could handle a bar setting at this point.
After my DX, talking to people is hard. I have some severe anger issues right now so I tend to take offence to everything anyone says. I also find myself getting angry at people for complaining about anything less than being dead. You have a cold?! Ohh poor you! Wanna trade?
I am just not in the right state of mind to be decent company for anyone at this point. So, I turn down all invites to go out, or to have them come over. I just don't want to deal with them. I know this is my issue and nothing they have done has caused it, but blah, just leave me alone.
And yes, they will eventually stop trying to convince you to go outside.
0 -
I have become more of a hermit since my bc, my mom's death, and since not working. I have friends who occasionally attempt to get together and I have put them off for the most part. I hear comments, "don't you feel better when you're out. You look good. you seem the same. You sound the same." Things are said that aren't helpful or questions are asked and I am supposed to discuss. I truly feel this all comes from a well meaning place but it's a pain. They dont realize how much of an effort it takes to get out and make small talk or how I sense their issues. It can be depleting. I dont want to hear or be involved with someone else's issues (Ive done my time with listening). As mentioned in this thread, dealing with self, family, and daily responsibilities is enough.
I had a friend ask to see my reconstructed breasts, not sure she really meant it. I just have to ponder and let it all slide. Bottom line is we have the right to be who we are. We wouldn't tell someone who goes out all the time and is very social, " why don't you stay home and reconnect (in your marriage) or why don't you stay home (and deal with yourself instead of others so that you're not bored)." I dont mean to be harsh however if we want to stay in or go out it is our choice. It has to do with what is going on with us and nothing to do with our friendships. As you may tell, this is a sensitive topic for me because most of the time I want to just be and not feel obligated to anyone except my family. thx for starting this thread.0 -
Lisagwa, I can totally relate, especially the right to be who we are. What I don't understand is why people think its okay to tell me how to socialize, or how they would act in my shoes.....they don't know! I've even had a neighbor tell me how aloof I seem...what? And how is this helpful? I thought I was pretty friendly.....oh well, can't allow these people to put me on a head trip!
0 -
Maud, thank you for the response a few days back. I wish I could convince my hubby otherwise. I am not moving. Just resenting that he's leaving me behind. One of those things that time will tell. Just out of words at this point. Maybe that's what's going on we are all just out of words.
Hope everyone's doing well. I have been busy the last few days so I am tired and looking forward to some Hermit time. Happy Friday! (not as exciting as it was when I was working)0 -
I can really relate to mostly-everything written on this thread, from what SISSYDI first wrote and MAUD's words...especially "calm, peace, and serenity." BECKERS-I agree, family and friends dont usually understand. KLTB04-I agree, sometimes hard to talk to people who are "normal." I still am catching up with dr appointments and follow ups and don't want to have to explain myself.
Today there is stress and negativity between hubby and I as we are getting the kids ready for sleep away camp. It is all exhausting and makes me want to crawl into a shell or take a nap. This isn't really related to bc, just my life for the moment.0