STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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View~ I am not going to paint a pretty picture. I guess for me. My answer is a solid no I will never stop being angry. Never. I guess it depends on who you are as an individual and how and what you have been through all your life. My life hasn't ever been roses(but who's has?) just when I find that content self and life and Is so happy, I could actually smile and be a happy person. I was until that lump appeared. I had finally been ok in my own skin and started to love myself. I had never been happier. Then mister lump appeared and I knew I was in trouble. I could feel the dread looming for a while before diagnosis.
Then I was shown into a room and the door was closed. When it opened my life would NEVER be the same ever. I see everything differently. The sky, a leaf , a sound. The smell of rain. The way my daughter makes her silly faces. I SEE everything so much more intensely, it brings instant sadness to the fact that, someday soon I won't be looking at any sky, I won't be smelling any rain. I won't be spending time with my DD. Then add in my precious DH, DS,DSS. No the anger never really goes away, you just learn to deal with it like everything else in your life.
I am very sorry that your sister has also been diagnosed. That's just plain awful. I am also sorry you have to find yourself here as well. I'm wrapping you in aSupportive strong hug because I understand..... we all understand. Stay as strong as you're able. Cry when you have too. Don't keep emotions in. They will ROT your stomach. I will say it's been over two and a half years since my diagnosis of denovo. I am in remission. I still struggle with intense spinal pain and side effects from medication that could stop a train. But I am trying to live. Somedays are really good. Like today! Somedays I can barely get out of bed. Take one day at a time. Reach out when you need to. It's always helped me along. These ladies are wonderful. We get it all. No judgement!! Much love ~M~
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No, Micmel....sorry to say this, but if you are having ANY pain, you are NOT in complete remission, especially since you still have to take all this crappy medication. Mr. C is still lingering there, as you have said in other posts, and he can crop up and cause "more trouble" at any time. We're both adult women, and we DON'T want to "sugar coat" this. It's effin' serious.
Some people in your family are just jerks. Until it happens to them, they won't ever "get it." Don't relate to them, they will only bring you down.
I'm glad we can still be supportive of each other. I'm pissed because my low platelets from gemzar have given me cherry hemangiomas that look like I have the measles all over my chest, arms and shoulders. I'm afraid to leave the house! Oh, we have had a case of the measles again out here in Northern California (Contra Costa Co.)...don't get me started on these loopy, post-60's hippy-dippy chicks who REFUSE to get there kids vaccinated....so, chicky poo, how ya gonna feel if the kid actual DIES from this "preventable" illness? You probably didn't get your kid vaccinated against whooping cough either.
DH and I caught whooping cough in 2011 because vaccines only last so many years. We were vaccinated in the 60's b4 kindergarten, so our immunity ran out. DH lost consciousness TWICE and almost died from it. I broke two ribs from the horrendous coughing, and yes, you DO make that atrocious "whooping" sound, and it gets so bad that you can't catch your breath, so that's why you pass out. Thanks again, hippy-dippy chicks! (Maybe this new person with the measles is a foreigner, but I didn't want to go there, cuz our POS POTUS might get involved and start ranting about undocumented people...I'm sick of that, too.)
I got a measles booster back in the 80's b4 I got married, but it's probably worn off cuz that was almost 30 years ago, sadly.
We're all going to have to start wearing masks out here in California as measles is VERY, VERY contagious.
Take care, L
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Well....nurses have said. The word and my doctor has beaten around the bush saying no measurable active disease. I know I'll never not have to be on treatment and I've had many many surgeries to cause pain to fight cancer that I will never be rid of. Like my neuropathy, and the joint pain from the hormonal anastrazole I've been taking and will take until they tell me differently. The pain that I feel is not necessarily the cancer. It's the treatments that I’ve already been through, those side effects will never leave me ever. Even if I could stop taking anything today. I have no tumors in any organs (keeping fingers crossed). I have been told By many doctors, this response could last for years, considering it's very limited and in few spots. Another form of pain is emotional. I can no longer run anymore or lift like I used to because I have damage to my body that cannot be undone. That makes my mind hurt like I’m failing. My palliative care group of doctors have women that have been on ibrance stable for 45, 50, and 55 months of nothing but small Dead spots of cancer. My bloodwork has always been normal and my tumor markers, some use them, some don't are 21. I am going to continue to ride this stability or whatever it's called until the barn falls down around me! Much love to you sweet Lita and I already know I am adopting your tenacity and strengths!..... now if I could only cook like you! ~M~
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So yesterday I seen my Dr and got my first cortisone shot for my shoulder. I was hoping for instant relief but nothing yet. Cancer is an enemy but chronic pain is too. Now they want me to start shots in the butt to put me into menand try Letrozole. I really don't want to because I'm so afraid of joint pain. I just want to feel good!!!
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Thank you Micmel! I can identify with much that you've shared about anger. Yes, I have a lot of anger right now, especially because of my sister. I've experienced my share of sad things during my long life, but so have many others. Hopefully my anger will be reduced when I can concentrate on looking forward not backwards.
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Don't make someone a priority if they make you an option.
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Viewfinder: I'm so sorry that breast cancer has attacked both you and your sister in just four months. I would be very angry too.
With two members of the same family getting breast cancer, it makes me wonder if there is a genetic component.
Have you or your sister had any genetic counseling or testing done? There are some 29 genes that increase our risk of breast cancer, and many of those genes increase the risk of other cancers (ovarian, colon, skin, pancreas, and others).
Knowing your genetic status will help you make choices about your treatment, both for breast cancer, risk prevention, and other screenings.
You might be able to prevent another cancer or catch a cancer earlier. There are no guareentees, but knowledge can be powerful.
Best wishes,
Madelyn / Mominator
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JJ, I took letrozole AND faslodex AND Lupron for four years without joint pain. Many women tolerate it just fine. Many don't. Don't assume you'll have trouble. . .
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This is a minor rant compared to what some of you are going through, but it bugs me, so...I miss the days when I could tell people I was having a bad day (or that I have a doctor's appointment) without them immediately thinking that the cancer has come back/spread/whatever. It's nice that they care and are so supportive, but I'm tired of couching everything with "this isn't cancer related" or "my health is fine, but..." Can't I just have a bad day at work or financial problems like everybody else?
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JJOntario
If Letrozole causes you joint pain they can switch you to another of the endocrine therapies. I did have joint pain from Letrozole, but was switched to Aromasin, was on it for 5 years with no problems. In fact, now I am going back on it. Good luck!
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arimadix and letrozole use the same mechanism. Aromasin is a little different. Letrozole paralyzed me so i quit after 5 horrible weeks. My insurance doesnt cover aromasin so im back on tamoxifen that doesnt give horrible ses for me.
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arimadix and letrozole use the same mechanism. Aromasin is a little different. Letrozole paralyzed me so i quit after 5 horrible weeks. My insurance doesnt cover aromasin so im back on tamoxifen that doesnt give horrible ses for me.
Goodrx has generic aromasin for $114. Still too much monthly for me.
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Micmel, your brother's self interested text makes me angry. Recently I had a similar experience, with my daughter. I said something concerning cancer and my fears for the future and she blew up. Lost her cool. Came unhinged. Totally attacked me. Reeled off a long list of things I should do to feel better and things I was doing wrong that made me feel worse and I'm thinking, shut your pie hole you little shit. But I did not 'let it go'. I am TIRED of letting things go. Oh, I still sometimes do. I judge whether something really matters, or the person really matters, or I really matter. And this one ... it mattered. So I asked her if she was too weak and precious for my truth and if she is, just tell me, so I can speak to her as I speak to small dogs and babies, slowly and in little words with a squeaky voice. If she wants me to sugar coat everything to make her happy, PLEASE tell me, because I can talk to her like she's stupid, if that's what she wants.
Micmel, your brother should not go unanswered. That was a shitty thing to say. You might want to text back "Concerning last text. Yes, I will remove all negativity. When did someone remove your balls and make you so weak that reality makes you howl? Hope you find your junk and you get some spine to go with it so people can speak the truth to you. I am fighting for my life, Douche bag. By the way, mom and dad found you in a dumpster."
People. Ain't they great?
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I love my sister but let me tell you what she did as I still have trouble understanding the place her mind was.
For context, I have disabilities other than the cancer which limit my job options, mobility and economic potential. I make significantly less money than my sisters but I am frugal to make ends meet at the expense of standard of living. I rarely buy anything except for food, I buy some of my clothes used, I take public transportation because I cannot afford a new car, much less one with adaptions for my disability, and I have not left the city for a vacation in 8 years and that was local vacation. I don't have much in the way of expendable resources except on occasion maybe $100 or $200 that gets put away briefly before something comes up like when my microwave broke or I had to buy things related to the cancer. But most months I just have enough for my basic expenses. It sucks but I've never asked my parents or siblings for money.
My sister, on the other hand, is relatively good health in that she doesn't have disabilities that limit her mobility or employment prospects, has traveled extensively around the world, is constantly going out with friends, loves to shop and redecorates regularly, and really just maintains a standard of living that is significantly higher than mine and that I really just don't have the resources for. Each to their own though.
Anyway, shortly after I was diagnosed, after I had just gotten out of the hospital for another life threatening issue and waa going through withdrawal from a medication that was spiking my blood pressure and threatening to send me back to the hospital, she offered to take me to one of my cancer consultations. I was able to get there myself on the bus but she said she wanted to help and it's nice to get ride rather than take the bus so I said ok.
Anyway I had my consultation and on the way back down in the elevator she started telling me about her financial problems and painted some doom and gloom picture and was striking down all of my solutions..She was going to get evicted: No problem. My landlord has a cheaper place. He won't rent to her: No problem, move in with me. She can't because my place doesn't have whatever amenity (yeah it sucks but that is what I deal with to afford food), and her car is about to be reposessed: No problem, use mine, it runs I just can't drive it because I'm a cripple and can't afford the expense. She can't drive my car, no explaination given. Then she sprung it on me. She wanted me to co sign on a loan for her. I don't do loans because I know there is a chance I won't be able to pay them back. In fact if I could not go to college without taking out student loans, I just wasn't going to go.
At this point I'm thinking "WTF? I'm a cripple with gloomy employment prospects who lives hand to mouth and I have just been diagnosed with at least stage 2 aggressive cancer that was allowed to grow happily in my body for two years, I almost died last week, among other things, I might STILL die, and my blood pressure is unbearable and she wants me to take out a loan, not to make an investment, but to cover her debt, when I wouldn't even take out a loan for myself as an investment? And she is asking me this when I almost died and am sick and just found out I have cancer and have a total sh!tload of medical expenses now?
Total WTF?!?!
Bonus: Everything she told me she needed the loan for, I had a solution to which she struck down. She needed a new computer for work...I happened to have one that someone gave me that I said she could use until she made some money. She changed her story. She needed something else. No problem. My work can order it wholesale. At this point she switched gears and I couldn't follow her.
Do you know how this ended? I wanted to shake her and scream "WTF is wrong you!?!?" but I didn't. I walked out of the elevator and took the bus home so I wouldn't have stroke and two weeks later my "broke" sister somehow managed to find the funds for a week long vacation while I was trying to figure out how to come up with $36,000 for Neulasta.
I love her and forgive her but how can someone have such a big lapse in awareness?
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Rosabella- your MO should be able to get your insurance to pay for aromasin by filling out a prior authorization or medical necessity form. He just has to make sure he sends it to the pharmacy benefit insurer not the medical insurer.
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Forgive me for writing this out but I'm hoping it will get my mind off it. I woke up this morning thinking of a friend. Specifically of her children.
She died of this disease about five years ago. She was the best friend of one of my college roommates. A lovely person (aren't we all?). A husband and three pre-teen children. He did the best he could for a couple of years and then committed suicide. None of his friends had any idea he was in that much pain. Those poor kids! I was angry then, and apparently am still angry. I'm not sure what exactly I'm angry at -- a little at him, a little at the disease, a little at the world. Still angry at his parents and half his [very catholic] siblings who didn't show at the funeral. Really? Your religion is more important than your grandchildren? Of course I don't know the family and my impression could be totally bogus.
This is the second family I know where this has happened. My cousin's family blew apart when she died (also of this disease). Dad just left. The kids live with a neighbor and they don't speak to him.
Sigh.
Money was a major issue in both cases. I wonder if money can at least buy peace if it can't buy happiness.
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WC3
...."I love her and forgive her but how can someone have such a big lapse in awareness?"....
Sorry WC3 - Its simple I'm afraid. She's Self Consumed and unaware of it!
Wishing you well, hugs, GP
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WC3...so sorry to hear all this. How could your sister try and "use" you like that, knowing your circumstances?
Your sister is a selfish, totally self-absorbed B$&%h C@#t. She just doesn't get it.
Kick her to the curb. You do NOT need people like that in your life. You're dealing with enough right now. Some people never change, and I wouldn't expect her to. Family can be the absolute worst :>(.
Hugs to you,
L
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Thanks Lita57. She did make up for it but I still just do not understand what she was thinking that day. I'm an aspie and even I don't have that much of a lack of social awareness.
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goodprognosis:
That day she certainly was!
I think part of the issue is that because I never talk about my financial problems or ask my parents or siblings if I can borrow money, they think I am just cheap and stash it rather than relatively "poor", and they don't understand the dynamics of budgeting with disabilities. My disabilities put me at risk for chronic unemployment/underemployment and homelessness so I can't live it up when I get a little extra cash because I can't rely on my ability to get more in the future. They really just don't fully understand the impact of my disabilities on my life.
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sounds like maybe every day she is. If she were my sis I would have kicked her to the curb. My fam doesn't know about my bc stuff because they can be like your sis. You're very nice. Hope the support from her is > than being selfish and uncaring. Mental health is very important. Cut out those who don't help keep you going mentally.
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Mominator, yes it's difficult not to be angry but my sister and I are very close and joke a lot. We've certainly become my Bosom Buddies. I think we'll manage...don't have a choice really. Plus we both have a daughter and grandchildren. Now there's motivation!
They're doing an Oncotype DX on my tissure. Will get a report before then end of the month. Though I've read about it I don't completely understand it.
Is that something my sister should get too?
What about each of our daughters? One is in here 30's my daughter is in her mid 40's. Now that two of us in our family have cancer, I'm wondering if the two girls should start testing early.
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@pajim, money does strange things to people, but I these cases I don't know it it was driven by the almighty dollar. Terribly tragic they most certainly are and my heart goes out to the Kids.
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I am Catholic as is my family. My husband converted. I can’t imagine not going to the funeral because it was a suicide. By the way there is nothing in our religion that precludes us from attending any funeral no matter what the cause of death was. The decision to go or not shouldn’t have anything to do with being Catholic.
I truly feel for the kids. Of course it’s hard on the ones left standing like the husband but our priorities should always be our children. So now they have lost both parents. So sad and tragic.
Money or lack of changes people and many times not for the better. I know this first hand. It typically doesn’t buy you good health and certainly not immunity from diseases. I’m pretty sure St. Peter won’t be checking your bank balance at the pearly gates.
I think we are all angry at the disease and the fact we have it. I was bitter at first but now I’m grateful to be here 7 years out.
Diane
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Lately, I have noticed acquaintances and others have really short fuses. I have been repeating myself and have been forgetful and I am getting hostile responses. I feel like getting away from everything. I hope this gets better. Anyone else getting this? It started at the end of July. I mean hostility at the doctors office, with a floor contractor, a house painter and online.
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Meow, yes I have noticed. I attribute it to the heat. Records have been broken this summer.
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Yes, I think you are right. My husband and Mom had noticed too. My poor Mom got so upset when she asked a question of her hardwood floor installer and he snapped at her that he had already told her the answer. I had similar crappy responses when I asked my house painter what days he was planning to be at my house. I got "stop harassing me about schedule" I found out my husband had asked him that earlier but I didn't know. I want to go on vacation and not deal with people. I feel kind of down just had my MRI and am waiting for doctor's report. I take it not hearing is good news. I am not as good with my memory as I used to be, I think they told me my doctor will call if there was an issue.
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I see you get an MRI every year. I wish I could because like you, I had to stop the anti-hormonals because of my eyes. You should be fine, but the fear of recurrence is always present, Try not to think about it until Monday and then just call them.
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Meow13- sometimes you do just need a break from people. I’m feeling that too right now. My husband and I are going to the Oregon coast right after Labor Day and I can’t wait! We both feel the need to just be together and leave the rest of the world behind for a while.
I’m scared about the future right now - I feel pretty good now and I am quite capable but I worry about how long this will last and the impact it will have on my DH and our marriage. We are very much equal partners in life and I am quite independent. I can’t stand the thought of not being able to do what I used to and contribute to the household. My DH is very understanding and supportive, these are my own fears. Sometimes I don’t think about it too much but today it I still bothering me. I hate this f@$&*# disease. No one really knows what we go through unless you have experienced it.
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KatyK, hope you have a good time. I really feel the walls closing in, I can't wait to see the ocean it really helps me.
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