STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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JJOntario.....I think Mederma makes a scar fading cream. But I think there are other creams you could also use. I'm sorry about your MIL they say the darnedest things at the wrong times don't they.
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Well, I just got back from my first (and, I hope, only) PET scan. As I was registering, the clerk said, "And your co-pay will be $949.00. Would you like to pay now and get the 15% discount?" What. The. Fuck. That's about the TOTAL of my co-pays for three surgeries and multiple tests last year! The ONLY reason we could pay up front and get the discount is because my Mom died in January 2018 and I got some of the money she had saved to cover her own possible health issues. And this obscene amount is WITH insurance, and at a Catholic teaching hospital. I almost said "Screw the cancer check, I need a defibrillator!"
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Wow! To ask they pay it up-front is surprising!!! When I had mine done they billed me after the insurance paid. I did owe a big deductible I know.
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They're willing to bill, but paying up front gets the discounted amount, which was substantial for this amount.
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I am so sick of feeling like absolutely shit. I get three days or so good a week. The other are spent in bed clinging to dreams in my mind that will never happen. Places I am not able to go. My DH was showing me these beautiful pictures in Virginia of the natural bridge. When I saw how beautiful it was I gasped. Then the tears poured out of my eyes. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!!!!!! My soul is crushed into a million pieces. I layed there crying. In silence as these wonderful memories rolled bye, memories I will never share. Like a snap shot of time when I'll be gone and these are the things that he will do. Meet someone else who is alive and taking their own pictures, is more how the story will go.
I will be pushed into a cabinet somewhere to be that someone who has passed. Someone who used to love and live and feel. Someone who used to be able travel to see the beauty around. It's clear, I am just struggling daily mentally with this shitty disease. But also so clearly. Physically. None of which I have control Over. People can only watch you cry so many times. It gets so old. I am even sick of myself.
Fucking cancer. Life destroyer. Piece of shit. Family ripper. Body crippler, fear monger son of a Who*e..... all I can do is offer anger. Here. Helpless not knowing. Who to even be. As I am left face down on the beach of hell, hair stuck to my face because of horrible heat, and sand coating me , spit out, even the ocean didn't find me useful. And so I wander. Not knowing really where I am.Or where I am even going.. Just lost. In some world. Which is partly so true. ... floating in and out of reality. In and out of despair. Broken forever. I am not going to get better this time. No I'm not,MBC takes. It certainly doesn't give anything but misery and fear. Such torture. Who wants to live like this??
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Oh michmel. Hugs to you and I wish I could help ease your pain.
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Micmel, What chemo are you on now? Forgive me, you've probably answered this b4...but are you also taking an antidepressant?
I find that Gemzar makes me VERY, VERY tired and moody. Of course the steroids I have to take for all my brain mets and the pressure behind my eyeballs and optic nerve don't help matters either. I take Med MJ for some of the pain,to lift my spirits up, and keep the brain seizures at bay.
Somehow, I manage to trudge on. I try to walk a little each day, even if it's just around the periphery of the grocery store (I can push the cart and lean on it when my spinal mets and adjacent muscle mets start really hurting).
I wish I could still read novels, but my eyesight is totally gone. Just ordered 4.0 cheaters for reading. 3.0 is not quite strong enough, but 6.0 was WAY to strong and felt weird...so now we're trying the 4.0's and we'll see how they do. They will be delivered sometime next week .
Hope you're feeling better.
L
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Micmel I'm sending you tons of cyber ((hugs)) I don't know,what to say except that I hear you my dear friend. Blast away and get it all out of your system !!
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Some days are just crap. I found out today that a good friend just got put into hospice care (ovarian cancer). Another good friend got diagnosed with neck and tongue cancer today, but he can't get details until after the weekend. I'm waiting to get a biopsy scheduled that might bounce me into a different stage of renal cancer. Crap is too nice a word.
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Micmel, Sending hugs and prayers across the miles.
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Alice sorry about your friends. Life stinks all around some days.
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The friend who was put into hospice care just yesterday passed away this morning, on her 57th birthday. It's like being in a horror movie, with a murderous monster who steals lives.
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Alice I'm sorry about the passing of your friend.
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Alice, so sorry about your friend. 😔 That 57 number hits home - I turn 57 in about 3 weeks.
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💔🥺 I am deeply sorry. Deeply.
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Oh Alice how sad. Condolences to the family
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Thank you. She was a wonderful person and leaves a huge hole in so many lives. 💔
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Alice I am sorry, cancer sucks. I had two friends diagnosed last year at the same time as my reoccurrence and they are both gone. It just sucks!
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My SIL was 55 when she passed from damn cancer.
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whew I passed 55 trying now to enjoy 56 maybe I'll just pass on turning 57 this year
Sorry didn't mean to sound distasteful here. I lost my Mom 9 years ago to ovarian cancer that was never treated ending with colon cancer that had already metastasized to her lungs, liver and brain when it was found. She lived 6 years but didn't have good QOL (her decisions were not the best). I was allowed to make the last month of her life very comfortable by bringing in Hospice. At least at the end of her life she allowed me to do something good for her and there was nothing but love between us for the first time in over 35 years.
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RaiderGirl -- Yes. Love your image of gratitude as the House that holds, or contains, so many emotions. Our emotions count, too -- & sharing them here (& discovering new outlets) is a good thing.
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Just need to vent---
I saw my MO on March 26th and she ordered my every 3 month CT scan that we do to monitor things. I called the office April 2nd, 1 week later, to see if they had approval from the insurance company for me to schedule the CT. They had not. I called the office again today, April 8th, 2 weeks from my office visit. Still no insurance approval. So I called the insurance company. It is still in review. But get this, the insurance company said they did not receive the application for prior authorization from the doc office until Friday April 5--10 days after my doc appt. I know the office is busy, but don't they understand that the patient may be apprehensive about the tests and shouldn't they try to get things done in a timely manner. My last CT 3 months ago showed an area of question and we are going to revisit that area this time. So I am more anxious for this test to be done. Also, we have been doing the CT EVERY 3 months for the last year, and will continue the 3 month regimen if everything is ok this time. So should it take so much time to get approval?? The insurance company should just say " Oh this is the lady we are scanning every 3 months with MBC" and let the application slide on through. Rather than jumping through every hurdle each time we order the test. COME ON PEOPLE !!!!! YOU ARE MAKING MY ANXIETY WORSE!!!!
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Candy, I'm sorry your Dr.s office isn't helping you out more. They should have remembered that your insurance needed pre-auth before ordering your CT. Most insurance's need this. Hopefully all will get their acts together and you can get your test asap for your own mental health.
(((hugs)))
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I get me easily irritated these days. It could have been 2% reduction in Attivan or hubby getting influenza and pneumonia or freaky lightening zapping tv, brand new microwave and brand new clothes dryer or fighting different companies to pay for repairs. Had tummy ache all day which felt like my inside is getting twisted. Finally able to clear it late afternoon. Next thing was sudden chills coming over literally made me crawl I thought I needed to go to ER. I am so pissed off I got sick and so scared over a bad burger considering I am the one took BMX w no recon. 8dose dense chemos, 33rads, total hystrectomy, elbow lump removal, Colo noscopy w endoscopy, plenty of PTs, series of cardio check ups. I had total of 240 medical claims in 2017. I think I became a chicken shit. Thank you for listening to chickenshit
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The plot thickens. See my post from yesterday. I received a letter in the mail yesterday evening from my insurance company that they denied my 1 year reauthorization for my Lupron injection. Says it is denied. They have been paying since I started the med over a year ago. It was too late to call the MO office so I starting calling the insurance company. 4 calls later with 3 disconnects on their end I still didn't have any answers. So this morning I called the MO office when they opened. I was told that the auth was submitted wrong and they are resubmitting and should hear a determination later today. So once again I called the insurance company myself. 3 calls later I finally spoke to someone that truly listened and believes we can get it all straightened out. This is not a small financial issue---this injection is over $3,000.00 a month. And I need it for ovarian suppression with my Aromatase Inhibitor. I was talking with a friend about all this and she said the insurance companies want us to give up and not pursue things when there is an issue. She said she knew someone once that stayed on hold with her insurance company for 2 HOURS. She just sat the phone down, on speaker, with the mood music playing, as she worked. When they finally came on the line, they were surprised she was still holding. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. THEY WILL PAY FOR THE LUPRON.
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Yup, that's what they do. When I was denied LTD about 20 years ago, I wrote to the company. I said, "I know you place obstacles in my way because you want me to give up. I know you COUNT on me giving up. I'm not giving up." I got approved right after that. You have to call them on it. You have to gather your best verbal skills (and you DO have them when you write here) and use them to explain to them what you have explained to us. I was going to respond to you yesterday and say just call and yell at them to let off some steam. (Works for me.) But I get the impression you are too nice when you are on the phone with them. You need to get nasty. It works. You will never meet or interact again with the same person you get on the phone. Sometimes it works to solve your problem but at least you can improve your mental well-being. I'm surprised you actually get someone of the phone from your insurance company. Next time you do, give'm hell.
They also make things as difficult as possible for the doctors thus yours submitted a form wrong. Doctors and their employees are controlled by insurance companies. My former MO told me once that he spends 90% of his time dealing with insurance. I assume he is exaggerating but maybe not.
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Thanks Jaycee. I could feel my blood pressure rising as I talked with them. And when they disconnected me I called back and said in a sweet voice " I guess I got disconnected". When really I was thinking "Damnit I will keep calling you no matter how many times you hang up on me". And I am thinking, someone will be paying for that Lupron and it won't be me. I will hound them until it is resolved. Just crazy we have to be like this AND fight the cancer. What concerns me is if/when I get too sick to do all this. Then what? But for now, give'm hell.
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So sorry for your loss AliceBastable--prayers for your friend and you.
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And they still keep complaining about healthcare in Washington!!! I think most of those people know no one with cancer or they would not even consider cutting coverage for pre-existing conditions. Seems fighting insurance is the norm now since they are greedy corporations.
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candy, youmight want to read this article I saw today:
Invisible Middlemen Are Slowing Down American Health Care
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