STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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All we do here is stare out the windows and if it a semi "warm" day (winter in the Rockies you know) we might open the front door to let more sun i the house and keep the storm door shut and locked. Not today. Snow and COVID keeps us in most days watching the world go by. So sad.
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Today is 8 yrs for my Dad. It’s also 6 years at my new job which is less stress and less money Oh well. I saw the MO today. He’s fine. He doesn’t do breast exams and at this point I don’t care. Have new insurance he put in a claim for Prolia will see what happens.
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Hi folks - it seems I can only sleep for three hours at a stretch these days. I have seen my surgeon and am scheduled for a surgical excision next Tuesday Feb 1. Tomorrow starts the round of pre-surgical testing (very far away), to be followed the next day by a covid test (inconveniently far away AND a snowstorm), then I get a day off. Sunday the day of rest? Monday is the radioactive seed placement (in the inconveniently far away place), which sounds like an exercise invented by a demon. Then comes Tuesday. A couple of hours alone on public transportation, and then it's showtime.
I am stunned and shattered. My cat is worried about me.
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vandercat, my center hooked me up with a program called "Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster" by Peggy Huddleston. You are instructed to listen to the recording 3 times a day. I am not a meditation person by any means (even Lamaz pre babies didn't go well), but i decided to give it a try. It REALLY brought down my anxiety level hugely!!! If you can't access that one, find some sort of guided mindfulness to listen to. I usually fell asleep during them in my bedtime listening but it stuck anyway. At first I'd wake up, so I'd restart it and fall asleep quickly again. 3rd night I didn't need to restart it.
Public transit here too. I did have a car bring me home after the mastectomy. No way could I have done bus then. Even last week, 2 weeks out, the jostling was not pleasant. I would suggest you have someone pick you up after. Most places won't let you leave without an adult companion after anesthesia.
All those other frustrations ladies, I hear you!
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To AliceBastable,
I didn't know you were referring to smoking. I didn't know you smoked. We need to fight to maintain our health no matter what & not quit. That's what I meant. I am also a septuaginarian.
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Vandercat, I'm so sorry. I wish I could help. Things are so crazy for you right now and I hope they settle down soon. Come back and let us know how you are doing.
(((hugs)))
Carol
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Vandercat I am know this is very stressful for you right now and hoping it goes well and you heal quickly. Wishing you the the best.
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Vandercat, sending you good thoughts. I hope you have someone to be with you. Your cat is upset because he/she knows something isn't right. I often wish I had another kitty. They are great companions.
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Thanks for your words of support, folks. My surgical excision (sounds better than lumpectomy) is scheduled in five days.
I have been sleeping poorly and having middle-of-the-night crying/sobbing/bawling/cursing episodes. My therapist told me to tell my psychopharmacologist that I needed anxiety meds immediately, so now I have lorazepam I can take if I need to.
Tomorrow I drive an hour for pre-surgical blood and other tests. The day after I drive half an hour (in a snowstorm) for a Covid test. Trying to put one foot in front of the other.
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Vandercat: that’s what this is… this cancer shit. You just keep doing what you need to do, one foot in front of the other. Driving yourself to be poisoned, stabbed, poked, prodded, shot, laser beamed, against every other instinct. You can do it through tears. You can be angry or anxious. You just keep going.
I’m glad you’ve got a therapist to advocate for you and hope you have a support system of family and friends you can call upon…. You’ve definitely got us
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We are here for you and feel free to reach out and we are are here.for you pulling for you vandercat.
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Vandercat - Sorry you're going through this. Being far away from the appointments, plus the pandemic adds to the emotional toll this is taking. It sucks, all of it.
I find myself feeling sad about everything - finances, med side effects, lingering pain, etc. Mostly, I realize that my identity is now "cancer patient". I go to medical appointments more than I go anywhere else. I just want to go back to when I felt like myself, and not some old lady with cancer.
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tinkkerbell I hear you! We keep a calendar upstairs just for medical appointments. Between DH who is a transplant patient and my health issues as well we can't have double up on anyone's appointments at all. We keep a second calendar downstairs by the garage door on a bulletin board we put up in our laundry room with all the birthdays on it so when go out to our appointments we can look at it and make sure we have cards for anyone we need to get a card for to get out in the mail. We do not have enough room to put it all on one. Sad.
On another note.....I finally got my appointment scheduled that took almost a whole month get scheduled for my follow up ultrasouund on my issue they are watching. Will take 3 more weeks to get in but at least it is scheduled. I doubt if I'll die from whatever it is in there between now and then.
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I hear ya. Except for me, it’s trying to cordinate my cataract surgiand follow ups with my gf, who has her own dr stuff. We ran into this last year with her cataract surgery. In February I have 7 dr appointment the dogs go to groomer, and she is doing PT. My DD is a teacher. SIL is a nurse, so can’t ask them to drive. Public transportation here absolutely stinks. I’ll work it out.
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Where my mom lives in her building the bus goes right outside at least. They also have a "senior bus" that goes there since a lot of them can't drive anymore certain days of the week and will take them and drop them at the grocery stores and wait while they shop and take them back again. We do have one health system here in town that they send their own vans around and take patients there to their appointments there. Of course you are stuck there all day until the return trip but they feed you there while you are there and have activities to keep you busy at least and you are not out in the cold. I know there are a few in my mom's building who use that one too.
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My Medicare Advantage plan has a transportation benefit for medical appointments, I think it can be used up to 20 times in a year. I've never used it because Hubby has several months of sick leave accrued so he takes me to all my appointments and tests since I don't drive, but it's nice to know it's there if I need it. I think it just needs 24 hours advance notice. Anyone on a Medicare plan should check their benefits if they're in an area with iffy public transportation.
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It’s just the cataract surgery that’s a PITA. I can drive the rest of them. But good reminder on the advantage plan transportation.
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It is too late to get a copy of "Prepare for Surgery Heal Faster" but I watched a little video and appreciate that it works. I have been struggling with depression and self-loathing for decades, and the meds help but do not alleviate the psychic pain. Tomorrow I have the radioactive seed implantation to look forward to. The clip that was put in during the biopsy came right out, so they will have to hunt for the nasty spot. Not looking forward to mammograms with my boob hanging down with a needle in it.
Then Tuesday is the big day. I will have to take a train and a cab (~90 minutes) to get to the hospital for the procedure. A friend has permission to leave work to come and pick me up afterwards. In between the transportations, I will go under the knife. I am scared and despite reading a lot here, I don't know what to expect
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vandercat hang in there. The wait is hard going into it and they will do everything to make it as smoothly as possible for you. If you let them know you are very nervous or if you know if there are issues with anesthesia at all (it makes me throw up afterwards) they put a patch on me to help with the nausea and it worked a lot. There are work arounds. Sounds like you are having lumpectomy being done. After mine they gave me even a tiny ice pack to put inside my bra to help with swelling even. I am glad you have someone to take you home after your surgery. Will keep good thoughts.
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Vandercat, my biopsy was done without a clip because I have metal sensitivities. When I had my lumpectomy, my surgeon had no trouble finding my tumor. It's really a much easier surgery than I thought, and I felt fine afterwards. Ice and a snug sports bra are good for the healing time.
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Vandercat - I apologize for this late suggestion, but is it possible for you to stay in a hotel near the hospital tonight and tomorrow night? In any event. I hope everything goes smoothly for you.
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vandercat, I'll chime in with my nausea advice. I always ask them to "pump me full of something" to minimize the nausea. I can deal with pain much more easily than nausea.
Thinking of you,
(((hugs)))
Carol
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Thanks to all of you for your encouraging words. Tomorrow morning I will take a 8:19 train to be there for the 10:15 walk-up to the 11:45 surgery. Today I had the radioactive seed implanted, and I behaved badly the whole time. I cried and hyperventilated (not so hard with 2 masks).
As Tom Petty once said, "the waiting is the hardest part." I am spending my waiting time in a state of pure dread. I know this isn't the optimal mental position to be taking, but I can't help it.
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vandercat I know you don’t feel it - but you are brave as all heck! Crying & hyperventilating- but you were there and got it done!
For me the 1st anesthesia meds not only knock me out, the also obliterate my anxiety.
I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping it goes smoother than you think it will.
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I’m having a really bitchy day - made worse by the realization I can’t ever blame PMS for general bitchieness.
Just so sick of people being so damn territorial and defensive - especially those in a career path where the entire mission is about empathy and caring
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As the saying around here goes
You don’t have to be brave, you just have to show up.
You can do it.
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vandercat will be hoping it goes well for you tomorow and wishing you fast recovery from your surgery.
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Good luck today vandercat!
I have nothing to vent about yet today. It's still early. LOL
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I am just venting about the stupid weather. Another front coming in and bringing a foot of snow. Not like we go anywhere anyway but makes putting dogs out harder. Our old dog needs help now she has to go down stairs to the yard and can't get back up. She won't go anywhere else even if we have tried to save her steps. She is a large dog so DH has to go out and help her up the stairs by guiding her back end up them. Hard on him the snow too. Then she is bad about getting wiped down afterwards and does not want to be and likes the snow. She is super old so we humor her. I hate winter!!!!!!!
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