STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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The only medication I ever had that made me feel bad or damaged my body were the AI drugs. It is very difficult to take a medication you know is causing damage to your body. I believe we need to demand safer more effective drugs for cancer treatment. That is the point I am trying to make.
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I have always lurked on this forum. Thank you for everyone's posts they have been my rock for a long time now.
I don't talk much. In person, in general. I've never been a talker. I keep my thoughts in my head because I don't know how to express them. But for nearly a year now, especially these last few months I just don't know what to do, what to think or feel. It feels like exploding from the inside. I'm so angry all the time. I'm sad, I don't feel like myself. I'm tired of being tired, of numbness in my mind, my body...my hands, my feet. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of not being able to just go live my life. I'm tired of the mental and physical pain.
My family and boyfriend, bless their hearts for being there. But I'm angry at them and I don't know why. It feels like I'm just not getting enough from them but how can anyone give me enough at a time like this? I love them so much but I want to push them away every chance I get. A life of trauma and now this too. I can't remember the last time I felt like myself. I can't remember the last time I was happy.
I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay.
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HXM~I know sometimes I get upset when I am around people that aren't sick. I feel angry as to why I had to get sick when people are dicks and healthy as an ox, Sorry for the phrase. But for real. I feel a lot of the things you feel, because sometimes you think they can't possibly know how you're feeling, and it frustrates me because I am stuck in my own world of sadness and grief. fear and insecurity of not feeling powerful or even confident that I can make any plans, for fear of weakness and or constant sickness to hold me back yet again. I understand how you feel. ITs ok to tell them how you're feeling. Just try to stay calm. I know when I cry my kids even though they are older, it freaks them out. But you should be able to tell your boyfriend anything. I will send thoughts of strength your way. We are all here! We understand! Just take one day at a time! Hugs! ~M~
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HXM - keep talking, it helps, especially the writing to people who get it.
Beatmom - the nurses were dealt with by the oncologist. They were answering the phone as phone nurses. The right arm of oncologist was probably being asked what to do instead of them "bothering" him. And she kept reiterating what he had already set up, the Thanksgiving PET CT. That is what I think. That was hard on me, and still is, is that they all stayed on staff. But I do know heads rolled at two meetings he held, my letter was photocopied and all had one to read, then recollected. My onc then was absolutely not happy. He went to the board before those meetings. Got a nurse navigator the same day. And now only the right arm nurse and one other nurse are still there of those involved. Another reason I left the center. I am still haunted.
Came on here to say been here, read posts, going back to bed and hopefully sleep more.
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HXM it is absolutely ok to express how you are feeling. The sadness and anger aren’t really directed at any one person but it is hard to speak it to those around us. Sometimes I just want to scream at my family because their reaction has been to pretend everything is as it was before diagnosis. It’s not. I’m not. It won’t ever be again. BUT it will get better. These folks on these boards have shown me that much. For all our anger and pain and SE and treatments, it does get better. I just try to remember that. And blow up occasionally just to get it out. We get it here. One day at a time girl. Hang in there
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Angry rant. If you are trying to get all grateful and joyful and pukingly positive, look away, this is not for you!
I hate Christmas. FRIGGIN HATE IT! It gets worse every year and this year is no exception, except that it's worse. It was Dec 5 last year that I went for a mamm over a hurting boob. It was Dec 28 that the call came saying things looked off, and the rest, as they say is history. Here it is, December again and I have another mamm and another report that says things are NOT all clear. I am waiting for a 2nd opinion as I type and the 2nd opinion might be, wait another 3 months then mammogram again OR it might be get your ass to a hospital and have that biopsied. I don't know what it's going to be. I'm mad that I'm even here again only a year later! I want this to effing go away! It's all I can think about. It's all I've thought about for the past year as I tried to block out of my own head that Big Black Cloud that rolled in. And what is dear husband doing.... asking how many people I am having over to Christmas dinner because he'd sure like his parents to be here, it matters to him to have his parents here, they are aging, he does not know how many more Christmases he'll have with them.
(staring in open mouthed disbelief)
He has 2 other adult siblings here in town who could have his parents over. Oh, just to make this more interesting, his parents are no longer married. They split years ago. They each have new partners. But they still show up at every single family event, with new partners. So having his parents over is 4 more at the table, not 2. And it's weird. Since they are divorced. But they are everywhere. Together. All the time. And why can't either of his other siblings step in and say we'll take mom and dad this year? Noooo. That never happens! They all do their own thing on Christmas and I get the husband guilt. I get. ' if you don't want my parents here we don't have to have them." AGGGHHH! Yes! Yes! I am the Scrooge! I am all evil! IT is horrid of me for the last 20 years to HATE Christmas but have everyone here, every year anyway. I do not do potluck. When I have people over to dinner I make it ALL. I buy it, chop it, boil it, bake it, gel it, roast it, toss it, serve it, clear it, wash it up by hand at the sink. FOR YEARS! And this year...this year I DO NOT HAVE IT IN ME! Yet the expectation is that I should set aside the last year, the current situation, the uncertainty, the being hurled right back into panic, I should put on my big girl panties and shove my hands up a dead turkey's ass.
I am so mad at my husband right now. So mad I could puke. HE doesn't get the big deal. The big deal is I wanted something different. I wanted recognition of what this past year has been like for me. Yes, I know it's been hard on them too. But I am right back to doing everything for them that I always did - and the price I pay for acting like nothing has changed is that they are also perfectly happy to act as if nothing has changed. But as a previous poster stated EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED, FOREVER. Even if it gets back to how it was before it will be a different version. Why couldn't Hub have put his hand on my shulder and said "Hun, how about this year we have coffee and sandwiches for Christmas dinner, mom and dad can go somewhere else this time, and we will just put our feet up and be happy that we have each other? I know you are tired. We will have a quiet, no pressure Christmas, just us." That is what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear it because it would mean that he has SEEN the past year and was reacting to it. To take the pressure off my hands. Especially now since things are scary again. But it didn't happen.
Hub is not an asshole. But he is entirely and utterly self involved. If something isn't about him, it doesn't exist. What other people are going through, doesn't see it. I do not have the energy to scream and yell and point out shit that he should be noticing on his own. I am done. I am down for the count. I am flat. I know all the 'shoulds'. I should be happy to be alive. I should be happily bearing the joyful side effects of treatment. I should be moving forward with a positive outlook (barf). I am not able to find the gratitude that should be there. I am grateful to be here, but I am not grateful that no one else can recognize what I've been through and still am in the middle of!
I hate Christmas. I hate what everyone expects me to do. This season can piss right off.
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.......for runor.........it's just the way it is. Gentle hugs ~M~0 -
Micmel, it's true that people don't understand and I am no doubt guilty of not understanding other people's struggles too. But I don't think it's understanding that I am seeking. It's recognition, acknowledgement. It's that if I have stepped into a changed world, my husband is willing to step into it with me. If I need to NOT do Christmas this year, then he needs to be beside me, supporting that, NOT slipping in the guilt and obligation by telling me he 'doesn't know how many more Christmases he'll have with his parents'. The truth is he doesn't know how many more he'll have with me. But that does not seem to be on his radar.
I can forgive someone not understanding. I have a tougher time with someone not recognizing.
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So runor, how about you find a nice restaurant and announce to all that is where Christmas dinner will be? Shame on the four adults older than you to take advantage for 20 years! Don't put up with that. It must be costing you too for all the food. Maybe someone will step up and pay for the dinner or everyone can chip in. Christmas wears me out, it's the gift giving. What to get what not to get, I've ordered things and returned them, back and forth to the mall. It really stresses me out and it's not like I have a long list! I don't cook much so noone expects me to cook dinner TG. I would gladly have them all over and cater it but there's a little one involved and so we go to his house and have an soufle and fruit breakfast. Simple.
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HXM you need to vent this is the place to do so. Everyone understands the anxiety and issues with cancer.
Even if you have a support system no one can understand but those who are there are have been there.
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Runor, I hate to say it, but I understand. I hear you loud and clear. And I wish we didn’t have to deal with people who don’t see what we are going through. Because we don’t LOOK sick. Because we fake it so we don’t make other people feel bad, or we don’t want them feeling sorry for us. I get it. And I’m sorry that you do too.
Hug
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Runor, hear you loud and clear. Have you tried turning it on your husband by say, "Gee, how many more years do you think you have me for because of what I'm dealing with? If you want to see your parents, find us a nice restaurant for dinner as I'm worn out to my limit." Be adamant that you can't do it. Find a way to throw the guilt on him, although it may go over his head. I know it's easier said than done. Hope you get a calm, peaceful Christmas Day
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I'm the thread starter, I created this space for Rosevalley. She never used it to my knowledge.
I stopped reading early b/c I was many years beyond the anger. AND wasn't progressing.
Not negating your anger. I have sooo many anger issues that I have dealt with. Sooooo many that should have been litigated.
I'm here to offer a relief valve. It's an old pledge song from the 60's-70's when hummed it offers relief, when screamed it is amazing. The longer it is screamed the calmer you will become. But this is today's climate. What had value then may be seen as horrible now. I used to describe as taking Valium 10mg.
If this is offensive to you all, I will delete it.
Can't remember the camp song so I will try to do it by hmmmm"
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Tried, it won'twork. Besides if misinterpreted could be a problem.
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runor...if they don't like the idea of a restaurant, go to Boston Market and just get take out.
To hell with them if they don't like it. If no one else wants to help or pitch in, screw 'em. BTW, lots of grocery stores will do full meals for you as well...just call them days ahead of time. Our Safeway store does them.
Im having my brothers over, but we're doing a very simple meal...rotisserie chicken, frozen pies I'll bake in the oven, dressing and green beans (husband can do potatoes if he wants them).
L
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(deep inhale before I type) Thank you, everyone. I have never been a fan of Christmas. Never. But this year...my head is not there.
To be fair, if I asked people to bring food, they would. It's not that anyone has refused. I have, in past, felt better doing it myself. Under normal circumstances, even grumpily, I manage to get it all done. Unfortunately, our small rural grocery store is not going to provide any fully cooked meals. I could maybe get one of those little barbecue chickens...
It's just that this year is NOT normal circumstances. Nothing is normal. I am having a really hard time. Even when I don't have cancer, Christmas is a very bad time for me. It's worse now!
Sas-schatzi, I hope you find the tune to share, or valium, I'll take either (or both!) if I can get them! Daughter has some horse pain killers out in the tack shed. I'm thinking if I snorted a line or two of that it would put me out of service until well into the New Year. I'm keeping that in my back pocket as plan B.
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My vent for tonight....I had CT scan last week on Tuesday. My husband has not asked a word about results.
You can bet I’m not volunteering. Really hurts my feelings
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Oh, Beatmom .... I am nodding my head in sad solidarity. Hurt feelings doesn't even begin to cover it! Hugz.
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Runor, maybe I’m not understanding or I missed it, but since your husband wants to have a big holiday meal, why isn’t he planning and scheduling and cooking and cleaning up after? Maybe you could help by setting the table or making a pot of coffee? If it’s a huge failure, it's his failure and he can order pizza or Chinese for everyone at the last minute.
Beatmon, how painful. You’re married. Your health should be of great concern to him. He’s being an ass.
I was with a group of friends the other evening. Two of those friends have given me the old “I could get hit by a bus today” spiel recently and it really offended me. They started down that path again and another friend (who is also dealing with cancer) spoke up strongly and clairified that it’s not the same at all and once you have the big C word in your life, the fear never leaves. I could have hugged her.
I have a question. I’m finished chemo and rads. I still have another 9 months or so of targeted therapy every third week. I kept my hair by cold capping so other than having a port, I look normal, like I wasn’t sick. At what point do you/did you consider yourself to be someone who HAD cancer as opposed to someone who HAS cancer? On the one hand, I desperately want to just be normal again. On the other, I feel like I’ll never truly be cancer free ever again.
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anyone who can't deal with a family member having cancer and treating them appropriately, is difficult when they all travel the river of DENIAL! Sorry but it's true. My DS was there with me and heard my onc say it has spread to my bones. And I am considered stage four. When we got home, he told me he was hungry and what were we having for dinnner? Uh what? I just was told I have maybe years to live more if i am one of the lucky ones. It's like my kids say "oh her, pay no attention to her dragging herself across the room for a drink of water.! No worries she's fine". That is literally how it feels sometimes in my house! Every level of cancer sucks! Hugs to Beatmom, let me ask how your CT went??I hope well I truly do. Runor. I hear your frustration, I have many Valium,come to our house for dinner! Just go somewhere else ! Solve the problem entirely. ! Hugs to all
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I really feel for you guys. I don’t do Christmas dinner. My DH and I have large families so there are SILs who love to host so we never have to. We did try it years ago but the family is so huge now we simply don’t have the room plus we live on the complete other side of town. Others live more centrally located.
I don’t get why our husbands and family members think it’s business as usual even though we are living with a BC DX. In my case my DH is used to me handling everything. I’m Independent - he’s co-dependent. I told him it would be nice if he would be more compassionate and do the husband taking care of wife thing. He treats me like one of the guys sometimes. I asked him what kind of husband is he when friends and neighbors are more concerned about me overdoing than him? Something wrong with that. To be fair he’s doing better but still has work to do.
No way would I undertake a Christmas dinner if I didn’t want to. Don’t let anyone put a guilt trip on you. When does it get to be your turn to be about you
I don’t think our loved ones get the concept of our disease. No cure and no guarantees. Hope they get it before it’s too late.
Diane
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Well, it really sucks to not have our pain acknowledged. But, I think MAYBE your DH was trying to avoid the test results by not asking. I have done that myself in terms of my and my DH's results (his not being about cancer, but still serious).
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Runor - I'm not a big fan of Christmas - either. Just a lot of buying stuff, putting out decorations and doing all kinds of stuff and for what? To have a big mess to clean up/put away in the end and big bills. I don't like Christmas music - either. Because, it makes me grieve for all that I have lost. And, I've lost a lot since my BC dx. Lost who I was. Lost my old life. And, this is the first year without my sweet kitty... She passed away a few weeks before what would have been her 21st b-day.
My DH and DD both love Christmas. I can live without it...
Beatmom - I'm sorry to hear that!! ((((hugs))))
Micmel - Yes - that is SO true. NO one understand - Unless - they have gone through it!!!!!!
Lita - Good Advice!!!
Yes - my DH - too - just seems to live in his own world. It's very frustrating.
I agree - it's like everyone thinks that everything's just back to normal. As if - this never happened to me. The only time I feel somewhat normal - is when I'm at the gym. But, taking off my clothes to get in the shower - I'm faced with the ugly reminder - of a partially repaired torso and body that's now at least 25 pounds overweight. When, I used to have a nice torso and was always thin. It probably sounds superficial to complain about this and I know a lot of people have it much worse. I could have been born missing a limb...ect. But, it makes me feel sad and ugly. All along with the looming fear of my BC spreading and dying at an early age. It's just too much...
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Runor, how heartbreaking, it is all about you why can't he put you first? Rhetorical, it sounds like it's his make-up. But it's your time! I loved the suggestion to go to a restaurant. I live o/s and have only been home for a few xms's the last one my sis and I got it all organised. My brother turned up for all of about 1 hour and late. No effort to put others first. I rang him the other day, 2nd ph call since my dx. Chatted about treatment side effects etc and how I didn't realise how sick I had actually been when in hospital until i had got home and started to feel better. About the fatigue when i felt like a truck had parked on me for 6 days. He then proceeded to tell me how tired he was from work and from his hobbies......
Micmel, so sorry to hear your news of your cancer spread. That must be incredibly hard! Your son, I wonder how old he is? my DD is 23 and the last 3 ph calls, I ring her, she has not once asked how I am. I rang her to tell her I was going into hospital (feb neutropenia) & she didn't ring once in the 6 days. Sent me a txt to say hope they left chocolates on my pillow, I replied the only thing on my pillow was my hair falling out. (I was angry and wanted to shake her out of her complacency). Friends and family think it's how she's dealing with it but I think she needs a rocket up her ...
Beatmom, can you forget to cook him tea or something? My DH and I aren't talking at present but he will still tell people how I am when we are in company. How does he know?
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runor- if you decide to do Christmas dinner, here’s an easy one for you and you can have DH get it all at Walmart or grocery store: 1 boneless brown sugar or honey ham (the pre-sliced ones) - unwrap, pop it in a pan & slide it in oven for 10-15 minutes per pound, Bob Evans mashed potatoes - microwave for ~ 5 minutes, blue lake canned green beans with potatoes - heat on stove for 5-10 minutes, sister Schubert’s Parker house rolls - defrost then bake for 15-20 minutes, pre-made pumpkin or apple pie from the deli for dessert. It’s so easy even he can make it himself while you set the table and open the wine (it’s ok if the bottle may be missing a glass or two by the time it hits the table🙂)
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Or Runor, you can make dinner so bad....they'll make excuses not to come next year.
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😱🤣😂🤣
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This night sweats thing really sucks. I have always been cold natured. Always. I have my favorite fleece, cuddle duds sheets that I LOVE and I can’t use them because I’m so dammit hot. I can’t wear my flannel or my warmwear pjs because I sweat myself out of them not even halfway through the night. And now I can’t get to sleep because I’m hot.
I miss being cold and using all my blankets that I pile on the bed. I miss the old, cold, me.
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@beatmon.Do you think he is frightened and afraid to admit he's frightened?
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Last week I was getting angry at Hubby bcz he sleeps in living room while I am awake. He doesn't hear me coughing or puking. I could fall over dead and he would wake up later. Surprise! For all he does, I was still angry. This week I am all right. Up and down it goes.
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