STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Regarding the earlier discussion about trying to keep doing it all: I submit that asking for "help" can reinforce the idea that everything is your job. Nope. The people in a household share responsibilities. For example, everyone who eats in the house has responsibilities for getting food into the house and keeping the kitchen tidy. Even if you have a division of labor where one person earns money and the other person manages things at home, that still doesn't excuse anyone from showing consideration by cleaning up after themselves, and being decent by carrying in bags for a person who is tired or ill.
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Shetland, I absolutely agree with you! It burns my nickers when I hear children, but especially husbands, say 'if you want my help, you have to ask'. Uh.... no. If you want your key to work in the front door, you need to grow the hell up and quit making your wife your mommy. Cause that's just gross. You go home and be a thumb sucking moron with your mother, but don't pull that shit in your own home with your wife.
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Ha! Your writing is so much more -- colorful! than mine, runor.
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Really bad day, I don't want to do Thanksgiving. I am really mad at my husband.
Good news, it has nothing to do with cancer
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Rant that dealing with cancer and an ill spouse and 12 relatives visiting for the holidays on top of it the phone rings and it boss asking me to do work!!!! Really? Just because she did not want to spend time with family and is not dealing with everything and needing to rest does not mean everyone else is in the same boat! Had not choice since need the job and need the money. Be considerate!!!
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Oh Lord ! Bciincolorado. Too much crazy stress !!!
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I just don't know what to do. I feel hopeless. I can't find the anger and I have a lot of sadness. An endless river of tears. Life has given me too much crap. So much shit and cancer is the worst.
I do feel happy, at peace and loved. Along with the crap I have so much good in my life and I will die with no regrets or shame about how I lived my life. My shitty life is also one of meaning and filled with love. I wish I could live longer and have the opportunity to enjoy the good things in my life but once I got to a place where I could enjoy my life the uninvited asshole called cancer shows up. I hate shitty cancer. Cancer sucks!!!!!
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waytooanxious I understand how you feel. It'm starting counseling because I haven't got a clue about how to "live with" the fact that I may live a few years more. But, they won't be fun.
I may have shared this before but the thing that makes me crazy is when people tell me to meditate to feel better. This is not job stress ! This is not tension. This is effing cancer and sitting still for 10 minutes and "being" with my thoughts ain't gonna help ! By the way the only people who suggest this don't have cancer.
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That's exactly right, JFV. People who have never been diagnosed with cancer or gone through any treatments are just chock FULL of great advice. I've noticed a lot of it, along with what I call pointless positivity. I just have to be positive. Because it was being not positive that gave me cancer in the first place. That and chewing old flashlight batteries. Yup, I brought this on myself.
There is the death we all know we have to face, but that is the theoretical death. The one you've heard about in fairy tales but it happens to other people, not you! Then there is the REAL death, the one that you know has suddenly moved from theory into reality. And living with that ugly octopus of horror wrapped around your head day and night is a struggle. It's a struggle just to breathe some days.
Waytooanxious, I don't know of anyone who gets this disease and skips off into the daisies, unconcerned and untroubled. Unless they're stoned or brain damaged.
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Oh, runor, you are the best and most colorful writer! Chiming in just to say I appreciate you. I am on my second bout of cancer (melanoma in my '20s) and it is nice at least to have women like you all to swap stories with. Makes it slightly less sucky.
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couldn't agree more Georgia1,
runor is the best writer, hair splitting wit and so direct, cuts through all the s..t
You talk like I think runor. Thanks for telling it like it is ---all the time!!!!
By the way run or what???
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Hate that you worry about every thing that happens to you might be cancer related. New cancer worries or medication worries. You just automatically worry.
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runor you hit the nail on the head ! As everyone says your use of words is amazing.
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Hate waking up in the morning and the bed partner is cancer thoughts. Going back to sleep now. Waiting until afternoon. But it is still there. Hate the wondering if the swollen gland is cancer or autoimmune. Hate that doctors and their staff are unhurried with their appointments, assessments, medication approvals when people are out here pounding on the door because they know they are dying.
I keep wanting to jump off the cancer train and do it myself. But I know this is complicated and then again, maybe it is not so complicated. Maybe allopathic medicine is complicating it and in other countries it is simpler. But hormone driven cancer is on grrranimal that has to be understood to get around.
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Yes...bluebird - it seems like people whose lives are completely unaffected by cancer - seem to go about things nonchalantly. And, while we are concerned what might be lurking around the corner trying to kill us! It's hard. There's the before cancer - me. And, then there's the after cancer - me. I feel like I've lived one life - that is over. And, am on another life - that is much scarier and I'm just still trying to get used to it.
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Bluebird, we need a little emoticon of someone laying face down in the dirt with tires tracks across their back, because that is how the mental wreckage feels. The body is one thing. The mind is another. Neither is looking very friendly right now.
Today I had someone give me that old, heave hoe, buck up, chin forward girl as you fight the good fight, and I almost slugged them. A fight implies that you are equally matched with an opponent, in a ring, both with boxing gloves. Fight implies that you have a fighting chance. I want to kick that 'fight' analogy to the moon! It so is NOT RELATABLE! It's more like you're locked in the outhouse while some demented hillbilly takes pot shots at it with his double barrelled shotgun. You are ducking and dodging and holy carp, there's not a lot of room to move in that little outhouse to avoid the buckshot. Yes, there is a big, black hole you could dive in but that's one hell of a shitty trip! And most of us take it, out of desperation and terror and hoping to god the injuries we've already sustained aren't life threatening - but we don't know. This is the picture that was playing in my mind as I listened, slack jawed and vacant eyed, to the person who was telling me that Attitude is Everything. Like hell it is.
A year ago I began this ride and now with this new damn lump I'm starting it over again and I'm getting a pep-talk from someone who does NOT wonder if the projects she plans for her garden next year, she'll be well enough to do. I missed my gardening this year. Looks like I might miss it again next year. But oh, my attitude is everything. Screw that!
Bluebird, I know how you feel and I would have posted the run-over emoticon in support, if only I had it.
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LOL oh runor - that is perfection!!!! " It's more like you're locked in the outhouse while some demented hillbilly takes pot shots at it with his double barrelled shotgun. You are ducking and dodging and holy carp, there's not a lot of room to move in that little outhouse to avoid the buckshot. Yes, there is a big, black hole you could dive in but that's one hell of a shitty trip" thank you for the imagery.
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Well, shit.
Just got back from seeing a NEW doctor who, not knowing me from a hole in the ground or any of my history, had to give me the news about the mamm and ultrasound I just had on Friday (Dec 1).
This huge lump that is bulging out the side of my right boob, pushing my nipple off to the side and hurting like an SOB, that is just a cyst, absolutely a cyst, now for unknown reasons it is surfacing like a Russian submarine. But it is not cancer. It has no calcifications or anything troubling. Cyst. (sigh of relief because I was losing my pickle over the sudden appearance of this lump!!! And it was this lump that got me in for a mamm and ultra)
However... on the lumpectomy / radiation boob, "the area of architectural distortion noted in early 2017 persists. It may be surgical scaring or it may be carcinoma. Inconclusive. Birads 3".
Are they telling me I have cancer still? No.
Are they giving me the all clear? No.
Do I feel that I can 'move forward' with my life? Hell no!
I am just .... just .... WTF am I supposed to do with this information? I told someone and was immediately given the "Don't worry, you'll just make things worse." Worse? WORSE? How in the FLOCK can I make things WORSE??? Oh my god. I want to hear, 'you are fine' and then I want to be able to believe it. Instead I get, well, gee, that's a bit worrying, it kind of looks like the cancer that was cut out of you in April, maybe we didn't get it all, but we'll check again in 6 months and see if it's growing. Oh my god.
On the GOOD side I think I like this new doc. He offered to drain the cyst right then and there and I said no. I have to wrap my head around needle usage. Anyone whipping a needle out at me unexpectedly will be unhappy with my reaction. He said fine, just call when I want it drained. I told him I was on tamoxifen and having hot flashes, night sweats and it stopped my periods dead in their track. He nodded and asked me how my sex life was, were all my parts still working? Well hello there on-the-ball doctor who KNOWS what this tamoxifen stuff can do to women. I was impressed. He basically said not to sit around suffering with symptoms, talk to him and he'll see what he can do. I was pleased with him. I am NOT pleased with this situation.
I asked him if I could have this cyst removed surgically. He said they would likely not operate for a benign breast condition. I beg to differ. My surgeon said now that I was in the 'cancer' roster, if I decided randomly to have my boobs reduced, removed, plated in gold, it was at my discretion and to give her a call. I wondered if maybe it was time to consider mastectomy. How much more of this maybe it's cancer, maybe it's not, maybe we should do another needle guide and biopsy shit do I put up with. My mental state has not been good the past year. This has not helped at all!
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Today I found an old picture of myself Before Cancer. I swear I almost crapped myself. When I say to myself that I FEEL like this cancer has ripped my insides out, and now I have been expected to wear them as my outside appearance makes me so mad, I feel like I could punch myself for hope of improvement. I was once beautiful, now i resemble a strange looking ooompha loompah, and a place where nothing seems wrong, but still everything has changed drastically. People who used to wave to me, aren't sure who I am anymore.
I go Boston market with my DH and the bitch behind the counter says "oh how wonderful your mom takes you out to dinner" , To my DH I wanted to bitch slap her into the new year. I was gutted. My DH kissed me on the lips and said thanks mom and kissed my neck lol. His response was precious. Because the girl looked like she'd seen a ghost, but later DH went back right before they closed and let loose on the management about how people have diseases people may not be able to see and that his employees should shut their yaps and just smile and do their jobs. The next week I colored my hair. I am still recovering from such trauma To my body ... I am just growing my hair back. I CANT EFFiNG help it. My DH is five years older than me. It broke my heart. I was always so beautiful and young looking. This cancer experience has stripped me of ten years already. I am like seaweed that has been washed up on shore after a wave discarded me when it had no more strength, kinda like my body someday also will do. Cancer is something that no one word could ever discribe. But my definition for the day is gutting. ~M~
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Runor, though I understand your discomfort with needles and frustration, draining the painful cyst ASAP is something to seriously consider to get rid of the pain and have one less issue to deal with, especially given it is painful ( I have some experience with cysts). Pain enhances frustration.
I hear your frustration with equivocation on radiologic imaging, but other than asking for a second opinion on it, or a careful reread by the initial reader, that is just part of the process. I would rather docs equivocate if they are uncertain, instead of boldly claiming certainty about something that turns out wrong.
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Micmel, I just want to hug you and cry. Yes. This whole thing is so shitty. I am so sorry.
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Micmel, you are not seaweed. Your DH proved that to you, he sounds terrific. No one is seaweed, however, even without a great DH like yours.
I know how rapid aging from illness can make you feel. I used to be quite slim and pretty when young and middle-aged and active and healthy , ( am 63 now) and fell in love with and eventually married a guy 7 years younger than me 20 years ago. He looked either the same age or a little older than me, so it was fine and we matched. I have had problems with other health issues for ten years before my BC diagnosis recently, during which time I have become anything but pretty, though I have struggled to keep up my looks as best possible to match DH and for feminine self-esteem ( I am a professional, so I also have had that, but looking older sucks anyway). I was making progress in both health and looks, even considering treating myself to a little facial cosmetic surgery ( DH was opposed, worried about risks) , which fortunately led me to do an updated mammogram to check up on everything just in case, and my early BC was thus found. Now I worry I will age even more rapidly, even with a "good" tissue type. DH is no spring chicken anymore either, and though he is supportive, he is still healthy and very active, which I cannot be and I worry I will become a burden. I know over time I will feel our true age difference in appearance and lifestyle more, but he loves me and says he does not care.
The girl in the market was naive and just trying to be friendly, but she of course should not assume anything and should not have said anything. I remember when I congratulated an acquaintance I had not seen in a while on her pregnancy and asked when she was due and she angrily told me she was not pregnant ( apparently had just gotten fat)
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chronic~I have donethat same thing before with the pregnancy mention! I was humiliated because of it . I guess we all have that learning moment. It feels like cancer kicks you everyday somehow or another. You want to go and take a nice long romantic drive with DH and stay over night in a hotel, can I do that right now? No. I have to sleep in my hospital bed because of my lymphedema, because if I sleep on a regular bed, it feels like sleeping on cement. If I sleep on my back too much my spine hurts, because that is where my mets are. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to be in remission! More then words can express. I just can't believe the wreckage left behind. A stomach that resembles a Road map from a liver resection, a scar from the middle of my chest to under my armpit,from the mastectomy and auxiliary removal! All in one day. I am a crooked half of a woman now who looks ten years older. I never wore make up. Didn't need it. Had no wrinkles. Beautiful skin hair half way down my back and straight. I was comfortable with who I was. Then one day someone informed me that the tissue sucking, beauty stealing, gut wrenching, relationship ruiner, financial destroyer, insecurity promoter, terror giver,future wrecker, dream smasher, family dismantler. Life stealer cancer was my diagnosis. I was pushed into a hall I cannot get out of. All I want is my life back. That's all we all deserve, we've done nothing. ~M~
Runor~ thank you, I could Use that hug and have many boxes of tissues. The only thing keeping me ok is my precious DH! Hugs to you ~M
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Micmel, have you talked to a psychiatrist about considering anti-depressant meds to improve mood, or to pain docs about pain control? They will not change the cancer and its objective problems, but in many, meds that improve pain and mood can help people feel less down, even with the same reality. There is no shame in taking them.
Apologies if you have already tried this and my comment sounds patronizing, it is not meant to be.
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Chronic~ I dont find anything offensive where cancer is concerned, expect stupid comments at Boston market. I take Effexor and it works great. I am just being honest with feelings I have experienced and struggles that come and go. I am in remission, but the feeling of grief and loss will always be present I am sure. I am actually feeling very positive about how well the medicine is working for me. I don't experience much pain at all once chemo was done. It's just from time to time I get angry! Thank you very much! I Also get angry for us all! ~M~ My main issue is fatigue. Exhaustion. And fear I would even say sometimes. Which anyone would have !
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I understand the anger, absolutely, as we did nothing to bring this on, and the fear, even with remission. Am glad the effexor helps! Hopefully your fatigue and exhaustion have been evaluated and reevaluated by your docs for reversible treatable causes ( anemia, low thyroid that can occur from radiation or spontaneously, electrolyte problems including low magnesium from chemo, low b12) and for med side effects ( some people tolerate different anti-hormonals better than others).
For cheer, I look at women who had chemo and lost hair and energy and suffered, and then overcame BC, and became beautiful and vigorous again, e.g., public figures like Carly Fiorina ( ran for president) and Laura Ingraham ( a smart, beautiful blonde commentator with full hair and energy, despite bad breast CA a few years ago). Or regular women, with less resources, on this board, who overcame.
I also encourage as many friends and relatives and others as I have contact with to go get their mammograms, to catch disease early. Saving a life, and depriving cancer of another victim, is the best revenge.
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Stage 4 cancer is like being hit by a bus. The bus doesn't kill you. But, you get caught on the bumper and everywhere that bus goes you are dragged a long behind it. Every once in a while the bus stops and you stand up. Look around and dust yourself off. But the bus still has a hold on you and every time the bus moves you get dragged back behind the bumper.
Chronic pain : I'm glad you are encouraging people to get mammograms. And I am super glad yours was caught at an early stage. Your stage has wonderful survival statistics. I hope this doesn't offend you, but even people who are "caught early" can be stage 2,3, or even stage 4 when their cancer is caught. I also don't want to scare you but a recent study shows breast cancer may show it ugly head again up to 20 years after initial diagnosis. And for the final note of gloom and doom there is no cure for stage 4 breast cancer. Breast cancer is a sneaky little blankety blank
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JVC - I hear ya on the meditation advice!! Gd that's Annoying!!!!
Micmel - I echo Runor's words...sending you gentle (((hugs)))
Personally, I don't care for the excuse of just trying to be friendly - to assume you are the mother and to say it is damn stupid and f@cking rude. No one in their right mind would walk up to a woman that looked pregnant and say congrats. What if her stomach is enlarged due to a medical condition or overweight? I never do this - because - you just NEVER know!! Because, it's blatently rude to assume or comment on anyone's appearance - unless it is to say someone looks nice. People in customer service - ought to know - that is wrong. I don't care what their intentions are...
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Well said--it sure is sneaky!! Just waiting to get you again. It doesn't matter what stage you are diagnosed it can come back and zap you again.
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Yes - it is sneaky. I know of a woman - who was stage Zero and got mets like 6 years later.
I know there are some success stories on here but feel like it's only a matter of time for me...before get mets.
I got into it with my DH when he was talking abut where we will retire. I never want to talk about it because it reminds me that I might not live long enough to get there...
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