January 2017 Surgery Group
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3bears: my PS said to me today when I told him of my ups & downs of late...."you know, you come across as very positive & upbeat but it's important that you walk through the emotions of having cancer, not walk around them. No different than suffering any other loss."
We all need to grieve & more importantly, realize our dark days are part of our healing process. Every dark day we have today is one less that'll catch up with us in the future.Wish I could give you a gentle hug too!
Fightingirl: OMG can I relate. What if I have to have chemo? I'll have no brain left LOL! All kidding aside, I will be needing our chemo trailblazing sisters to get me through it if it's in the cards for me...
Good night my dear friends
Xoxoxo
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Good evening ladies and happy to hear so many good reports today. Hoping for more in the coming days!
Went for my pre-op visit today - felt very sad during it - just a big dose of reality that it's all becoming so real. It's as if the mammos, biopsy, mri, and multiple dr visits are just things that I'm doing where the actual surgery makes this all so permanent. My mom went with me - thank goodness. She's been my rock through this. I'm trying to stay strong and positive for my daughter (she's 12) and my son who's away at college. I hate the idea of them seeing me so distraught so I fake it till I make it - but it is hard. I can be honest with my mom.
Sending out good thoughts to everyone on the schedule for today and tomorrow and hoping we continue a trend of uplifting reports.
Good night moon!
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Great news from so many of you! Happy dance happening 💃🏼
PugsMama- sending you positive thoughts and prayers for tomorrows results. You've got this girl!
I got my drain tubes removed today!!! Today my breast surgeon told me she didn't need to see me anymore. We hugged and I have to say I was very teary eyed. She was/is a blessing. I feel so fortunate that she was my surgeon. I also went to plastic surgeon today. He removed my drain tubes and put 50 ccs in each side. I can't really notice a difference. He thinks my nipple that is still black will come along. It's pink around the edges where the stitches are. I get to finally shower tomorrow afternoon! That is huuugge! I will also meet my oncologist tomorrow. I am feeling so much better. I totally understand the dark days, as I have had a few lately. I am thankful to hear I am not alone. Love you ladies.
Sweet dreams.... no shit fairies allowed!!
Xoxoxo
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Good Morning my beautiful friends! BrandyRose, I'll be thinking of you and praying that all goes well today.
I was just looking at the list at the top of the page and I saw that Lisabekind is getting a BMW tomorrow! Now I really suck at acronyms, but if she's getting a car, I want to know the name of her BS and PS!!
Big day today, my first shower in almost 3 weeks. Yes, that's pretty gross, but my drain sites had not closed up completely and I have managed to keep the Pigpen "aura" hidden under my clothes, lol. I'm going in for an echocardiogram today as well to make sure that none of my chemotherapeutic agents caused any damage to my heart. My baseline one was normal, so fingers crossed that it hasn't changed.
Wishing you all a wonderful day from sunny, warm South Florida!
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hi all-- just checking in to report I made it... even was able to walk to the bathroom this morning w/out passing out! Too tired to read all the posts I missed... but hope all is well with everyone!
XO
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surgery went well. They only had to take one sentinel node! Hopefully that's a good sign. Ended up having to get a drain tube. But it comes out on Friday. Even with anti nausea meds still felt sooo sick all day after surgery. And had a killer migraine. My actual boob doesn't even hurt that much. It was all the other stuff, lol. Feeling much better now. I've been on the couch all day because I'm a stomach sleeper and at least on the couch I can force myself to stay on my back.
just had to order my dear husband to go to bed and stop trying to sleep in the recliner out here with me. Haven't eaten in over a day and finally starting to get hungry. Thank god this part is over. Now comes the dreaded wait for the pathology report.Loving all you ladies and your inspiring posts. Sending everyone wishes for speedy recoveries and the strength to get through all this BS! 💪🙏
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HI ladies - have been reading through all of your surgery updates....exciting to see that quite a few of you have received good news!! Been trying not to think about it all too much and had an awesome 2 days at the spa - on Friday my coworker treated my cousin and I to the afternoon off and some awesome facials and then on Sunday went back with my cousin again and another great friend, and then they surprised me with a few other besties for dinner afterwards to celebrate my bday early, as I'm having surgery on my birthday! All of you gals who have had mastectomies - your strength and good spirits amaze me!! I'm a bit stressed about the lumpectomy but it sounds minor in comparison to what you all have been through. I'm not too concerned about the actual surgery itself....people keep asking if anyone is going with me, and when I say no they look at me like I'm nuts...but they can't come into the mammo room while the wire goes in nor into the area where I need to wait for surgery...so, I told them I'm ok on my own. I'm more concerned about whether my boob is gonna look any different, and if so, how different?! This is my favorite boob, after all, lol!! (As much research as I've done, one thing I have not done is look at any images as I know that then I'd prob be a stress-case.) I'm planning on going back to work on Monday - told my boss I'd come in on Friday if I'm feeling ok, but not sure if that is just overly optimistic on my part?
Hope those of you who've had your procedures, recover smoothly!! And good luck to those of you who are still waiting!!
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Good morning, everyone!
Lots of good stuff going on in here. I don't think I've seen too much from yesterday's and the 23rd's ladies, hope you are all resting well.
Dani, yay for one node! And do not feel like a lumpectomy is a small thing, I think you said that a few pages back. This is all a big deal no matter how much flesh they do or don't take off you. Take care.
dcbc, you're at the bar, yay!
docmama, I think we all deserve a BMW!
Brandyrose, today it's you. You're going to do just fine.
3bears, I think it was you who said you have the wooden chest problem, I have that too. It seems to be weirdly below my incisions, right along my ribs. I am still not looking down there, but I can feel that the area there is slightly swollen and I have been working on doing some massage along it, hoping to loosen things up. It seems to help a little bit but not much yet. I was hoping that tight feeling it was the tape from the drains, but no such luck, those are gone now and it's definitely inside my body.
Ok, so this is pretty funny and none but you guys will understand. A group of the exercises they gave me to do has me bending forward at 90 degrees from the waist, supporting myself with one hand/arm on our kitchen island, and the other arm hanging down freely. So then I'm supposed to wave my body in different directions for however many reps with the free arm swinging back and forth, side to side, clockwise, counterclockwise, etc. Of course all this with my eyes closed tight so heaven forbid I don't see my chest, and my husband laughing at my wiggling around resembling a child imitating an elephant's trunk, and carefully considering my fingers on the whirling around ones so I don't whack into something in the kitchen, which is not all that big. Whee, look how high I can make my arm go! It's amazing the stuff I now find entertaining.
And one more funny for all of you. My husband has been helping me shower, which we have been referring to as "putting me through the car wash", and last night I pointed out that it cannot possibly be a car wash, because I have no headlights. Ba dum bump. Terrible BC jokes, apparently they come with the territory.
There is plenty of crying too, I promise you that I am not really some manic Pollyanna. Pugsmama's doctor was exactly right, you have to walk through all the emotions.
All right, you brave women, have a good day.
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Beachbabyk - yes I had two incisions one for the tumor and one for the lymph nodes! The lymph nodes incision is the killer, but only took pain meds couple days! I finally found a sports bra that zips up the front and does not put pressure on my incision! I am too large to let the girls hang, although that is what they prefer these days!!
Doing so much better this week. Saw the surgeon yesterday and my margins and lymph nodes were clean! VERY GOOD NEWS! I will see the oncologist on Friday to discuss my next phase of this battle which I hope is radiation! But surgeon said don't be upset if they suggest chemo! They work as a team so it worries me that they have already decided this!! Didn't get the onco dx results, so I hope to find out on Friday. Thank you everyone for your prayers and words of encouragement! Stay Strong!
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Pugsmama, I keep thinking the same thing...I'm in BIG trouble if chemo is necessary! Praying for good news today.
Shellybeans, I know what you mean...when I got all my pre-op calls I was a wreck. Hopefully what happened to me will happen to you...the night before surgery I had a sudden calm come over me. The day of surgery was even more relaxed. I was just ready...after all the stress, appointments, needles, research etc...I was just so ready to do it. The cabana idea didn't hurt either. I really just kept thinking about that and it was very calming. My family came in the room just before the wheeled me away for the surgery and joked about me being the calmest one in the room. May you find that peace dear sister!
Leftcoastie, yay for drains out and showers!!! I hope the oncologist appt goes well.
Docmama, good to hear from you and see your adorable pup! I also hope you have good news at your appt today. Enjoy that shower!!!!!!!!
dcbc, I'm incredibly grateful to hear you made it through and are well! Take good care of yourself!
Danicalifornia, I'm also so glad you are on the other side of surgery! Sorry it wasn't so fun right afterwards but I hope some food and some good rest will go a long ways for you. Take care! I would say try not to think about that path report but I know we all were sweating that...I guess do your best to focus on your healing and things that make you happy.
bdagal, Sounds like you have some amazing friends and family! I do hope you will at least have someone to drive you home after the surgery? The hospital would not allow me not to have someone there with me and I had a lumpectomy as well. You don't have your details showing in the signature line but my lumpectomy is healing pretty well and you can hardly tell they took a 2cm mass...mine was located just below my nipple so my surgeon cut around the areola and I don't think you will be able to tell much once fully healed. Most likely you won't have much or any pain at all where they remove tumor, the majority of the pain comes from SLNB...I am over 2 weeks out and still have swelling and pain from that. I work at a desk so it doesn't affect my job but just beware that is where you will most likely have pain. It's not horrible pain by any means but you'll go to move your arm a certain way and you will get a reminder! Wishing you the best of luck tomorrow and we will look forward to you checking back in when you are up to it. Enjoy your fruity drink at the cabanas!
Thinking of BrandyRose today and wishing her well and to all you other beautiful ladies...more good news, showers, and another good day on the road to recovery!
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you get a car! And you get a car! Bmws for everyone!! If only the call we got waiting for test results was from oprah!!!
And forget about the bungalows, I wanna go to docmamas house - what a lovely picture!! For pugsmama and fightingirl, if you do need chemo, just think about her and her complete pathological response. If necessary, you can do this!! (But my fingers and toes are crossed you won't need it)
3bears, you can do this. Roll with the down days- we all have them, and we are here to pick you up and bring you brighter days ahead!
Leftcoastie, I'm rooting for your nipple and sending pink prayers so it continues to perk up.
Congrats to dani and gma! Dcbc glad you made it and can't wait for you tell us about the March.
Jinmo, hilarious elephant visual!
Bda, I was alone at the hospital but there was really no time if friends or family had stayed. You will need someone to bring you home, though, as mentioned above.
looking forward to everyone's checkins and continued news!! Sending out peace and light
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Grrr, I'm so frustrated now.
1 - had my genetics appointment (to give blood for testing) this morning.
2- on the drive home they called me to tell me they needed to reschedule my MO appointment (this afternoon) to a few weeks from now, because I can't have two appointments in one day. I asked "why on earth not?" and their reply was that it makes billing hard. I told them to deal with it, and went in for my MO just now. Mainly because I'm currently scheduled for brachytherapy radiation next week and wanted to review everything with my MO first.
3- went in she was like "good news and bad news!". good news obviously was the oncotype (at a 2, very easy call for no chemo). bad news was she doesn't believe it. My KI-67 is in the high range (23%) and I have "perineural invasion". So she wants the Oncotype rerun on the lumpectomy specimen, since they did it on the biopsy specimen for some strange reason. At least two weeks. She's going to talk to my surgeon and my RO to see if they can do brachytherapy later (I doubt it), or what their recommendations are for if I can do radiation first then chemo later if necessary. I told her I was frustrated at the surgical pathology report, because about 75% of it was a simple regurgitation from my biopsy pathology report. I had thought they would report on their own findings not spit out what someone else did on an entirely different piece.
4- I asked about my future in martial arts -- since my arm will both have to strike things and get hit, and the MO said "oh, I wouldn't do that". Dude, that's my career, my workout routine, and a good portion of my social life right there. My arm HAS to work. I got upset and she then told me to heal up for a few months then just give it a try, maybe I wouldn't have troubles with lymphedema at all.
Thus, I am now in "who knows what is going on" status. And mad. And frustrated.
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Late check in for me today. I was up early just had to get out the door because I wanted to go to Target! That's right ladies who doesn't love a trip to Target. I had not been since before Christmas so it was a long over due trip. I just strolled around the store with my Starbucks chocolate smoothie like I had all day. I wanted to make sure I got my DH a Valentine's card before my surgery. I wasn't sure is if I would be able to get a card after the surgery. I'm still in nesting mode like several of you girls.
Bandyrose, I hope to hear from you soon! Healing vibes going out for you from NC.
3bears, ((((((hugs)))))) I agree that some dark days are to be expected but I am so proud off all the girls following this thread. From all the posts it I think that there is a good balance of respecting our own feelings and taking the time to process the dark days. I know I have had my share of dark days and this thread has been a bright spot for the dark times.
Docmama, I saw that BMW and I was like lol there's a procedure that's BMW. DUH! There are so many abbreviations I haven't a clue what they all stand for. YAY for showers! Another one of those wonderful milestones. Hope all goes well with the echocardiogram today. Love the picture you shared! I love Florida especially the Gulf Coast area.
Dcbc< so good to hear from you!! Rest up and catch up when you can.
DaniCalifornia, thanks for checking in. Sounds like you are on the mend. I think my surgery will be much like your except the right side ( and I'm HER-) Your DH does sound like a dear! Wanting to stay next to you while you slept!
Jinmo, the elephant imagine..LMAO! Yes we get it! The no headlights is so something me or my husband would say. I tell everyone faith and humor is all I got!
FightingGMA, good to see you are having a better week. Excellent news from the surgeon to! I will keep my fingers crossed for no chemo. Friday seems so far away but it will be here before you know it!
Leftcoastie, three cheers for no drains and a shower...a real shower! Think pink! ;o)
Pugmama, hope you got good news today to!
Shellybeans, I just looked at the calendar yesterday and said...shit! pre-op is next Tuesday! How did this time go by so fast?? I could have had my surgery as early as Jan 2 but chose to have it later so I could get prepared. Are we ever really prepared??? If you are still adding music to the playlist I have a few to add: Kelly Clarkson, Stronger; T.L. C, Waterfalls; Katy Perry, Wide Awake; Janet Jackson, Alright; Alicia Keys, This Girl is on Fire, Cee Lo Green, F*ck You; Charles Hamilton, New York Raining; Fergie, Glamorous and Fergalicious; plus a little DMX, What's My Name and Ludacris, Get Back. Now when you make to the bungalow there will be a whole new playlist!
Bdagal, I plan to be back to work A.S.A.P just like you! On my surgery day I need to be at the cancer (hate to even type that word) center at 6:30 to have the "wire" inserted then go straight to the hospital for surgery. My husband will be with be for the wire then drive me to the hospital. My DMIL wants to ride along. She is the only one in the family who knows I have BC. When I get to the hospital I know that my husband can stay until they wheel me to surgery. I have had 3 other surgeries (right side of my thyroid removed, tubal and a fibroid removed from my right breast) and he got to stayed with me until the wheeled me to the OR.
Fightingirl, I can't remember shit! I will be paying close attention to your radiation info. I was told that I would not need chemo and they was a good chance I would not need radiation. I cant hope for to much now can I? As much as the shit fairy show up so does the fairy from Lala land. She tells me that when the surgeon gets in there he will say...cancer...what cancer...this girl doesn't have cancer....I think I need a pill for both those fairies!
This is a very long post I never have time to just sit down and read and post but today my girl isn't feeling well. So I have been in the recliner cuddling with her catching up.
Much love to you all! We got this!!!
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Oh my girl Pyrhh..I'm so sorry. What a crock of shit! Why can't they let you continue with your brachytherapy? I was the same as you...I wanted to see my MO before I scheduled mine and he was totally fine with me doing that first...I'm still waiting on mammaprint which results should come in the day I start radiation. I know sometimes they like to do the chemo before radiation but brachy also has to be done within 6 weeks of lumpectomy ideally. Oh goodness...what do I know but I hate that they are not all on the same page and making your day rough. As far as your arm, well I can only imagine how that affects your life. I will say I met a man today at work who was told he may never walk again and he renovated his home/bathroom to be ADA compliant so he could get around his wheelchair. He spent tons of money and guess what...he walked into my office today and said it's okay about the money, I'm just happy to be walking. He put his mind to it and it worked...I know not everything is a nice story like that but you put your mind to doing what you want Pyrrh and don't give up. I don't know if I helped at all but I hope you get it all sorted out and I'm giving you giant hugs from Arizona.
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Pyrrh, you posted while I was writing my extra long post. I'm so sorry!!! The past that got me was your #4. I get it. My life pretty much revolves around my job to. I don't even consider it a job. It's my life. I loved were you told the office to deal with it! You want to say...YOU HAVE ONE JOB....just do it!
Regroup this afternoon!! Tomorrow is a new day
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Annoyingboob, you are so funny! I clearly heard Oprah saying you get and car and you get a car and you!!
You are our beat cheerleader
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Docmama this is for you- you made me laugh out loud, thank you!! Shoot, I wish it was a car. I was sitting here with my 9 year old daughter going over homework, thinking and thinking about the long surgery tomorrow. My daughter went out to play with the dog so I jumped online, thanks for the laugh and smacking me out of it.
I think you've had the same surgery I'm about to have. How long was your surgery, and how are you doing??
I think I'll leave the BMW just for kicks
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Fightingirl - They might let me continue with the brachytherapy - she's contacting me today or tomorrow to let me know what the final call is between her, the surgeon, and the RO. It's super frustrating because I had to line up a whole weeks worth of subs at the school (and there's not a large pool of qualified folks to take over a martial arts class) and now it might be postponed. Plus, obviously I knew the ramifications of an Oncotype 2 and was understandably excited about a week of radiation then on with life. Ambiguity sucks.
The deal with my arm is potential for lymphedema - the arm will work just fine. Or maybe not. Invisible ghouls waiting to perhaps (or perhaps not) cause problems. <sigh>
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I was in the Dec Surgery forum, I have been stalking you ladies and you all have a great support system. Dec ladies kind of disappeared and a few of us are in a Jan chemo. together. Keep up the support system
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updated my profile with surgery date. Feb 16 for BMX and ezpanders, sentinel node biopsy and whatever else they think necessary for biopsy....... Not as soon as I had hoped, or my surgeons for that matter but scheduling is what it is. Just so ready to get on with this and out of limbo!
Without this group I would sometimes feel so alone even though I have a loving family. It's hard to continue life knowing what you know what's going on inside you but you just don't want to talk about it all the time - even though it's there with you all the time.
Let's Stay strong together. I loved the quote about being scared because you're about to do something really, really brave ( sorry I can't remember who to credit right now). Let's stay brave together.
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goincrzy8, I'm glad you like our group! I don't know what I would do without it. It's nice that you notice all the support we have for one another...like bevmomduck above said I have a loving supportive family and amazing friends and co-workers but this is where I feel the best just because we are walking the same path and truly get it.
Bevmomduck...Let's stay brave together! I like it. It seems we just go from one limbo to another limbo in this business!
Pyrrh, I do hope they will let you continue. If for some reason it gets delayed then I will go first and hopefully be of help to you instead of the other way around. I know you just want to get on with it...it's just hard sort of having your life on hold with all the ?'s and what if's. Keep us posted on what they say.
Lisabekind, I want a BMW too! I think you should leave it!
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Hi Lisabekind. I'm so glad I was able to brighten your day with that little comment - what can I say, my son is a fledgling comedian (he really is, I lose a lot of sleep over that one, lol).
I will be 3 weeks post-op this Friday - stayed in the hospital 2 days and was home by Sunday afternoon. I think what really helped me in my recovery was the thoracic epidural that stayed in place for 36 hours. My surgery was at the same hospital where my husband works as an anesthesiologist. He used me as a guinea pig of sorts to get this epidural protocol approved for all mastectomy patients. This also included special nutritional drinks to increase my immunity taken 5 days before and 5 days after surgery.
I had 4 drains (2 each side) that were removed on day 10 and had a SNB done on the affected side. Mobility hasn't really been an issue and my plastic surgeon had me "walking the wall" with my fingertips 1 week post op. The only discomfort I'm feeling now is an occasional sharp pain at the SNB site if I make a quick move.
I'll see the PS this Monday, and hopefully he'll fill the expanders a bit more. He initially put about 120 cc's into each side which is like a small A cup.
I hope your surgery goes well tomorrow! I'll be praying for you.
Angie
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Hey ladies,
If you don't mind, who here has started their chemo after there Double Mastectomy? And if so, what type? Are any of you taking pills? Or a treatment that is lighter than AC followed by Tax? Please and Thank you.
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Saw my surgeon today and got 1 of my drains removed!! Hooray for the little things
Also went and bought a camisole with my first falsie - have to say I'm pretty excited
. Glad to hear that everyone is doing well where they are - it doesn't sound like I'll need chemo or radiation, but I'll be here to support my sisters that do. Hugs to all!0 -
docmama, it sounds like your doing great! I'll be getting the epidural also, I don't think for that long though, not sure?
Since your hubby is an anesthesiologist, maybe you/he can ease my mind with the thought of this lengthy procedure. I want to wake up!! Yes, that is my fear. My kids come to mind.....
Anyway...you keep going docmama, and I hope your discomfort goes away quickly. I was trying to find something for SNB to be funny, but I have nothing. Gotta take a shower with the great shampoo the hospital gave me to get ready for my BMW tomorrow. Sending prayers to all!
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Lisabekind:
Well, remember, SNB = BLUE PEE
and for me a few days later, GREEN POO!
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Lisabekind, elem, and badagal, want to wish you the very best for tomorrow. I hope you have a sense of peace and calm and know that you will be visiting those cabanas over the water and we'll all be there waiting for you.
I just realized that it's going to be January 26th tomorrow... will we keep our lovely group here? Some of us are moving on to radiation and possibly chemo and I ventured over to other boards for info but sure don't want to lose touch with this group. You all have meant the world to me and I am not ready for losing you! We still have a lot to see eachother through right?
Win-chimed, you might be a little ahead of us...I think there are a couple who've had chemo prior to surgery but I can't think of anyone yet who has been told they need chemo yet after...am I wrong ladies?? When are you supposed to start chemo? I know pugsmama was finding out today if that's in her future and my mammaprint test won't tell me until Feb 9th. I'll be doing radiation at that time so I hope if chemo needed, they give me a little break in between. it might help if you update in settings to show your diagnosis and treatments in signature line an as if someone is simili to you , they can chime in.
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Quick note to say thank you for the laughs today! BMW's for the January girls! We have certainly earned it, that's for sure!
Hoping for positivily good news from everyone and to all going in tomorrow - we will be sending good wishes, positive thoughts, and cabanas with cute umbrella fruity drinks (served by hot cabana boys!).
lisabekind - I'm hoping I can take the epidural home for a few weeks - wouldn't that be nice!
I saw my PS for pre-op today and told them I'd like to be knocked out the night before surgery and woke up about three days after - once the pain cycle ends. Saw the RO right after that and I really liked him - incredibly thorough. I told him that he seems super nice but I really hope to not have to have a long-term relationship with him. I see him the week after surgery so we'll see. He indicated my pathology should be in 48-72 hours after surgery. My lab seems to turn stuff around really fast - got my original biopsy in 24 hours so that's at least good.
Oh - and I have come to the conclusion that I have the best looking trio of drs - BS, PS, and RO. And, if these will be the last men to feel me up - so be it and all the better!
On that happy note - cheers to all and good night!
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thank you fightingirl.. tomorrow is almost here. I hope it will be simple and I hope it will be this way for badagal and lisabekind too . Please keep me abreast with pm where to go when we move on from here. I feel like we are friends in this together all the way . Not ready to leave the nest yet. My wings are still too broken . Of course I want to meet others who are going to have radiation and that other thing they do! But I want to stay connected to everyone here . Love you ladies. Going in at 7:30 MST . So I will be the second case of the day . Thank you all for everything .❤💗
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hard to believe the month is almost over - think of everything we have been through since the start of this thread - jeez - my hair is certainly a bit greyer!!
I have a confession: I emailed moosetracks ice cream a long time ago to let them know how popular they were in our bc crew. yes, guilty of pulling the cancer card, but I thought maybe they wanted to give out some free ice cream to their loyal followers in need of something happy to brighten their day. well, sad to report that I never heard back from them - sorry, ladies, I tried. not only do you NOT get a BMW, but you cant even get free ice cream, lol. its ok, id rather have good health than either of those material things!!
im meeting mo Friday, then have have ro simulation on feb 1. I guess this is where people leave if they are healthy, or go to chemo or rad threads. id like to stick around, bc I love this group so much, and I am so appreciative of each and every one of you who acted as my friends and family since I kept this pretty much a secret from everyone. so THANK YOU ladies, from the bottom of my heart. I never had a sister before, and I truly consider all of you my sisters. its a great warm, snuggly feeling in what could have been a very lonely scary month. thank you thank you thank you. I will continue to send out positive vibes to all of you for continued healing, health, and positivity in your lives. and im around next year for anyone to who wants to go to an overwater bungalow for reals!!! xxoo,
less annoying but now slightly smaller and soon to be burnt boob
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