My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Micmel,
So sorry you are having to go through more loss. I lost my beloved cat this year about a month after my BMX. He was my true friend and I loved him in a way that I did not think it was possible to love a cat. He KNEW me. (If you are a pet person you will understand). We waited longer than we probably should have to make the decision, but I could not bear for my husband and I to go through that while we went through so many other things. (His mother died between my diagnosis and surgery). Ultimately, though, we knew it was time when he struggled to hop into a chair. That made it obvious. It was awful, I won’t lie. But we promised to take care of him when we rescued him, and that meant not letting him suffer, even if it was hard for us.
Sometimes it seems the losses pile up so that we can’t see. I know you lost your dad this year. I lost my mother a few months ago. It’s hard. I have no suggestions, just hugs and support in my heart. You love and tend to so many on this site and I just wanted you to know I am with you.
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Mel So sorry you are going through this. I remember my Nanas dog she had a hard time letting him go too. He cried and yelped in pain when he took the steps. One of her neighbors came and told her that she had to do it and he went with her. He was her companion and she was alone so he was the world to her. Emotional for sure but she was grateful for the time they had. He was a rescue too.
Hug
Tanya
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Mel- So sorry you are going thru this. I have always had pets in my life (cat person) and I have had to have some put to sleep in their old age. They are family. My cat now is my "roommate". We share the house. Actually it is his, I just pay the bills. LOL but true. Hugs to you.
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Mara~It really is like a little family, my DH and decided 16 years ago when we got together that we wouldn’t be having anymore children. We had my two and his little boy and that would be enough for us both. We didn’t want any of the children to feel differently. So we got two dog’s together. Those like being our children. So I am tearing up while my DH explains what will happen. I saw my father die and I was with his body, but I can’t put a dog down? Wuss central!
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Mel, so sorry you are going through this with your dear pup, you had kind words for me when I lost my Colby recently. It is so hard when we lose a pet, I miss Colby every day
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SuQu~Hello sweetheart and the amazing you for your lovely post, it helps to know i am not alone in my feelings. Cat or dog to me they are our little friends here on earth for us to truly love unconditionally without expectation of anything. I have loved this dog from the second I saw him. Now he has his grandpa greys and he isn't getting up as much. I know in my heart it should be soon. He can't have those falls too many more times before hes really hurt! Then I'd feel horrible glad to see you back ♥️ I'm sorry about your cat! 💔 nothing is easy nothing ! Not to even mention the loss of a parent. I’m so sorry !
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Mel - I am so so sorry about your pup. They give us unconditional love and we give it back. My daughter just lost her cat of ten years a few weeks ago she had never slept a night without him and giving him permanent rest was so hard but he was in a lot of pain so it was kind. BC cancer has given us so many tears it sucks that there will be more for this. Wrapping you in giant hugs and shedding a tear with you. Always remember your pup had you and that was the best thing he could have had - a loving "mom". You will know when it is time.
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Mel, sorry you are dealing with this.
I'm sending you a great big gentle hug.
Love & Hugs,
Laine
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Candy~Loved your comment about who pays the bills. Lol I needed the smiles thank you. I just am not ready to let go. He’s such a. Good dog. He’s getting more wobbly just even walking around. I’m sorry, it’s seems we know everyone has the loss of a pet. It just sucks bad !!
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newfromny; I remember the post. I know they have to cross the rainbow bridge at sometime. I just thought we'd get another few years with him They were wrong at the rescue center with their assessment of how old he was. We believe now, he was almost three when we got him. It would explain the differences in how our dogs act, I know this breed is known for hip dysplasia. 😕 ughhhhh!
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Giddyup~Hello sweetheart, how is Gracie’s tree coming along. I want to have a green burial, and become part of the tree and nature, I’ve seen somethings on it and it’s lovely I don’t want to loose my Tag. He’s starting to smell like a old grandpa with pee pee britches and the permanent urine smell I’m washing his blankets more frequently now. I can smell it. Maybe that’s why I am sounding the bell, because I know it’s time. Sigh what will my other doggie do?
Lanie~I accept all hugs and good wishes. Thank you. Cancer does issue an un limited amount of tears to be shed. I have a sore throat. Sure hope it’s not a cold Just what I need. Someone at cvs on Saturday when we went for our flu shots, and my DH warned me about him, told me to walK the other way. Hope it was in time. Love to all and thank you ! So much !
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Tanya sweet Tanya~ I am a hurting pup myself over this. I lost my Shepard when I was a girl but she didn’t live with me then My mother had her. This dog is with me 24-7. It’s going to be really hard not to feed with two bowls. Or have two bowls of fresh water always. Here. Come the tears.
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Ok Ladies.... Get this load of crap !!!!!!!
I am due for my 3 month CT in Oct. Bone scans don't work for me due to the RA arthritis. And PET's have been denied by my insurance unless progression shows up in the CT's --- So far the CT's have been "stable" for bone and liver. So the only testing I can do is the CT's to monitor the mets.
We have been waiting on the insurance company to ok the Oct CT.
My MO's nurse called me this afternoon and said my insurance DENIED my CT and my MO had to do a peer-to-peer appeal between her and the insurance doctor. They agreed to ok the CT.
I don't know why they initially denied it or what my MO said to convince them to change the decision.
I asked the nurse " Isn't it standard of care to do 3 month CT's?". " Are we within the norm to do them?" She said "Yes" 3 month scans for the first 3 years of diagnosis, then change to 6 months.
So..... I hope I stay stable, of course. But if I am still stable next fall ( 3 years ) then we have to change to 6 month scans. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ladies that are "stable" over 3 years...….does your insurance say 6 month scans????? And if you change to 6 month scans aren't you afraid of progression that is not getting caught earlier????
I would just pay out of pocket for the scans but the amount billed to insurance is $7,000.00 for CT of chest, abdomen and pelvis. Cannot afford that.
And I don't want to wait for symptoms because I had a 8 cm tumor in liver with no symptoms and liver enzymes in the normal range.
So.... CT is scheduled for Oct 21.
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Candy~I have just recently Been moved to nine month scans in between. I have been NEAD for over 3 years now and that is apparently the norm for the oncologist and the insurance company. If I were to have new symptoms, then one would be issued immediately. I believe they should pay for them whenever the doctor says so, and the patient also. It's a bunch of shit that Medicare only pays two times in your lifetime for full nuclear pet scans period. They want to piece you together with patchy testing. So they can get away the cheaper way! Get your scan woman. You go doctor!!
Much love ~M~
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This is what my DSS was watching last weekend He and his friends went camping in Alabama. He attends Alabama University. He is just at the beginning of his life. How exciting to be experiencing the total college life! Beautiful sunset.0 -
I'm so bummed out that Ibrance and letrozole is now history for me. My CT scan (lung and bone mets) looked pretty good but my bone scan showed new activity in my ribs and skull. So over to Aromasin and Afinitor I go. Treatment change is every bit as emotional as I'd imagined but luckily I had support group meeting today and the ladies there told me I'll get better at that and won't cry so hard every time it happens. And oh my did I cry today. Uncertainty sucks, Cancer sucks. But I'm going to change lanes on the highway here and try a new drug combo. I was diagnosed in April and I have not yet been stable. Really hoping to get there one day.
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Moomala~I am sorry that you're having to change treatments, it makes no sense at all why it works better for some than it doesothers. I hope you find this treatment will kick some major rear end for you, and bring you to. Stable , as you wish. I am sending all of my positive energy...... all of it. Hugs and support holding your hand. Love ~M~
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Moomala, I too am so sorry. I cry every time something happens and it has been five years almost. The only thing I really notice is that I spend less time crying each time than when I started. Thinking of you.
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Micmel, this talk of losing pets. (sigh) I have loved and lost many dogs over my life. While it is hard to let them go, how very fitting that your hands, the hands that took him into a life of love and family, will be the hands that hold him as his job with you is done. He has been a good dog. He has done his dog-gone best. And when it's his time to retire to that place where all good dogs lounge forever in the afternoon sun, it will be you who loves him so much you let him go. What a gift you are giving him.
Moomala, you sound so real and sane. So raw and honest. Of course you cry. WHy wouldn't you cry? This whole bullshit is cry worthy. But you'll find your stride. I hope sooner rather than later.
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Micmel, sorry about your dog. Have been through that experience and it doesn't get any easier. Pert of the family. If it can happen in your home, all the better.
Love to everyone, think of you all
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Runor~ Hello sweet friend! It was a long night. It seems he goes from breathing completely normal to panting a lot and heavy. But he's not whining or seem to be in pain. The vet said when he is in pain. We will know. He made it outside this morning without accident. But he is losing interest in eating. He still loves his treats. The vet said. He would stop eating when the end was nearing. He eats. But real slow and leaves some in the bowl. You're right he has been a good good dog. Beyond good really. Loyal, defended his mother with his brother deeohgee, against a pit bull. The pit bull didnt fair well with both. But that's what happens when you go near their momma. Those memories made me smile. They are part of the family.
Mara~I agree I cry at the drop of a hat. A commercial. The one that gets me now is the daddies and daughters face group page commercial. The song in the commercial is the BeeGees. “To love somebody". Melts my heart everytime. I went to the ball game with my dad at that age. I cry everytime. For a while. My heart turns over In My chest realizing that time is gone forever and so is he now. 💔 I'm really pitiful with how much I cry actually. I wish I was better with that.
Moomala~Holding your hand honey.... your a strong woman we know, but we are here for you! We love you.
Minnie~Hello darling. My aunt is visiting your beautiful country, I've seen some amazing photos and am very jealous not being able to be there. The Mediterranean is blue blue blue. The beautiful cathedrals. Like wow. You never mentioned the major history around you!!! So beautiful! Just like you !
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Losing a pet is like ripping a piece of your heart out. I still cry when I think of my fur babies that have crossed the rainbow bridge. We recently adopted a senior dog, 11 years old, whose only owner had to go into a nursing home. His back legs are bad and he struggles at times but he’s a sweetheart and I couldn’t bear to see him go to a shelter. He will be loved and cared for for however long he has left.
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Lynnwood~When I was younger I had many dogs with my childhood. I hated it when they would die. I don’t know why this dog seems different in some way. The way he is, is different. He’s just so uncomplicated, always was. He is the cutest companion. Just always there. Doesn’t mind if you’re in a bad mood. One look at their face and you can’t be mad at them no matter what. It just plain SUCKS! Thanks for understanding.0
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Mel, pitiful was me when I was walking to the bus stop. Beautiful day, sunny, nice and cool. Music I like in my ears then a bee shows up. I am frightened so this woman is running up the street trying not to scream aloud and also not swat at the bee at the same time. It didn't follow for long but I am very scared of them. It would have been amusing for anyone around. Once it was gone I actually laughed at myself. I had a couple of nice walks outside and enjoyed myself today.
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Mel, I'm so sorry you are having this sad situation with your dog... I understand you so much. I had a dog that was so special in my life, I think my grandmother sent it to me from heaven. My grandmother died when I was 12 years old, I loved her very much and I felt very lonely when she left, and 3 months later that puppy comes to my life. 12 years later my parents had to put him to sleep because he had cancer...I was in my work. In a moment I felt a kind of breeze coming towards me (inside an office, with the windows closed) and felt his tongue on my cheek. I had to drop the phone and start crying. It was at that precise moment that he was sleeping at home. I still cry when I remember it, it was his farewell. In fact I am crying now as I write it😪
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Yndorian~I am also crying, I Do that a lot, usually Alone. After a while people get sick of hearing someone cry. Even though I know I have time left and I am doing well....now. Doesn't take Away the terror of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Everyone stops wanting to hear how scared you are because scan and blood work time are coming along in the not so far future, forever. they get tired of being the shoulder, they just get tired too.
It doesn't matter what I cry about anymore, it always leads back to death somehow. This has been a shit 3 years and 9 monthsof almost daily crying time. Or I cry myself to sleep. I've began to long to see pictures of me when I was young, to a place and time where I wasn't cancer woman.I don't think anyone can prepare you for the knowledge of knowing that you're dying. Not the oh everyone dies someday dying. Real. Received your papers and you know you won't be collecting the $200 after passing go until the ripe old age of 85. Received the knowledge of why you will not live a full life, knowledge of the grim reaper hiding behind trees and buildings when we walk by, because our time hasn't come just yet . But we know he's watching. Knowledge of your body, a body that has turned on you, is literally rotting away inside and you feel each ache and pain as each cell is compromised or dead. I am sick of death. My Dad in May, Gracie in June, my falling, my kidney stones. My dog, now I havethe knowledge it is nearing time each and everyday to let my fur baby cross that rainbow bridge. I am sick of loss and grief. So damn sick of it. How do you run away from. Yourself ?
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There’s an old Chinese proverb/saying. It has a lot of different meanings.
“苦尽甘来 [苦儘甘來]
Kǔ jìn gān lái [ku jin gan lai]
Literal translation: bitter exhuast sweet arrive
Other translations, “Bitterness over, happiness arrives.”
“At the end of suffering comes relief”
I am hoping for all the bitterness and suffering we endure, we can find some sweetness somewhere in it.
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I wish somedays I didn't have emotion. I know we love day to day but what happens when those days are long and lonely.? What happens when you run out of emotional steam? Emotionally void in some ways I am. Somedays I don't feel. Somedays I cry, somedays im convinced I'm not going anywhere because I feel some strength when I am faced with a family crisis or issue. Just like my dads death. My time spent with him. Has shown me to love hard and fast. Forgive and move along You only get one chance.
I used to look at houses And think what will our retirement home be like? I would imagine a lake and a dock two chairs and a sheds full of floats for the grandchildren. Now I can't even think of looking further than my own nose when I ride in the car. If I don't look I won't have much memory to remind myself of the beauty I'll be missing when I'm gone.
Or when my son has his first child placed in his arms and I'm not around to shedthose tears of pride and joy. Why? What on earth have I done, to feel such anguish and sadness. What can I do to go back? I'll do anything. My DH said honey go look at the full moon, it's beautiful. I didn't even move. Why should I look? I don't see any beauty much these days in my days. They are spent the same. Which is only what my body and mind can take. I realize I don't try to travel because I realize I won't enjoy the pain in my spine. Out of all places. My spine. Thanks for that also, some days I think how the hell did I get here, and whose life am I living in? Because it certainly is not mine and you’re right I am waiting for relief.... oh yes I am !
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Moomala, I’m sorry you’ve got to switch treatment so soon but hoping the new one is easy and effective.
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