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Any young BC patients/survivors who haven't had kids?

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xtraordinary
xtraordinary Member Posts: 6

I decided to have kids a bit later because of my career and education, and I got diagnosed with breast cancer right before I was ready to have kids. Now I'm 32, and it's getting difficult to find people like me. I'd love to connect with any young breast cancer patients who are single, in relationship or married without kids. I can't seem to relate myself to other young ladies because many of them have kids. I feel alone as I'm the only one childless woman in my local YSC young women's support group. I know it's hard for them to avoid talking about their children (I'd be the same if I had kids too so I'm not upset or anything), but it makes me feel I don't belong to the group..

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  • illimae
    illimae Member Posts: 5,619
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    Me! I’m here. I think I’m young (42), too young for breast cancer anyway and child free by choice. I actually find it a relief to not have kids in this situation, so many additional worries.

  • VVV
    VVV Member Posts: 50
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    I'm 33, single, no kids. I understand what you mean finding it hard to relate. I'm a bit jealous of people who have either because there seems to be a lot of support & distractions, reasons to do things that I'm missing.

  • mirandapriestly
    mirandapriestly Member Posts: 12
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    I'm with you. I'm 33 now, dx at 31 right before my husband and I were planning to try for a baby (we were waiting for him to complete his education and start his job in a new city). It also happened to be 2 weeks before our honeymoon. Bawling I wish I had some encouraging words, but the only thing I can offer is strength in numbers.

    Every time yet another friend gets pregnant I'm tempted to quit taking tamoxifen and try for a baby. It's really hard.

    Do you know if you will have a chance to try for kids after treatment? Or take a break from treatment? Our plan is 3 years on tamoxifen and then a break, but it's been a torturous wait so far.


  • axolotl
    axolotl Member Posts: 11
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    37 and no kids. Child free by choice.

  • xtraordinary
    xtraordinary Member Posts: 6
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    Thanks for your posts, ladies.

    I may be selfish that I want children when I'm recovering from cancer treatments. It's because many say it's harsh on kids' life..But like JVP said, don't we all have family for support, love and some distraction? Miranda - we're in the same situation. I never thought I could get breast cancer at my age because it is extremely rare for people 30 or under. No history of cancer in my family, so cancer was never in my radar.

    I do get support from my husband, but he often doesn't know how to help because we're still in the newly-wed stage. We're still learning how to be a husband and a wife. My parents help me as well except they treat me like a sick kid. ugh!

    Many of my friends have one or two kids already (some have more), and I'm no longer checking my FB or other social media because all I see is their kids pictures and how happy they are in their family pictures. It frustrates me that I could be one of them if it wasn't this stupid cancer. Sorry if I sound like b*tch, but where am I going to rant my story?? I already lost several friends because they just decided not to deal with me (not sure but probably because of my cancer and "misfortune"?) Someone told me cancer works as friends filter. lol /sigh

    How do you all deal with loneliness? I also lost my job because my cancer treatments caused disability. I'm currently battling with pain, depression, loneliness and anxiety. :(

  • MeToo14
    MeToo14 Member Posts: 162
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    Xtraordinary, I completely understand. I'm 39 but was diagnosed at 35. I had been married for less than a year and my husband and we're getting ready to start trying for a baby. There are so many horrible things about cancer, but for me one of the worst is not being able to have children. I have so much quilt because I know how much my husband wants kids, even though he doesn't blame me and is very supportive. I was diagnosed when my sister in law was pregnant and I couldn't be around her or anyone who was pregnant or just had a baby. I still can't, I don't want to be this way. I know it's not their fault and they have a right to live their lives and be happy but it hurts so bad. In my husband's family you really are ignored if you don't have kids and it's very isolating. I don't know how long I'll feel like this, maybe forever. But know you are not alone and it is ok to feel however you feel. Just like you it was in a depression for about a year after active treatment buy I was able to break free and I know you will too.

  • buttonsmachine
    buttonsmachine Member Posts: 339
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    Hey ladies, I'm in the same boat. I was diagnosed at 32 and I'm 34 now. I always thought that if I were to have kids it would be in my 30's, because I was busy in college and working for most of my 20's. I have a long-term boyfriend and we were always on the fence about having kids, but now it will probably never happen due to all the chemo I've had. I also had one ovary removed because it looked cancerous, but then it wasn't. I was glad it wasn't cancer, but also angry that I lost an ovary for no reason. I didn't do fertility preservation. I still struggle with the sense of loss, but some days I'm glad that I don't have to worry about kids on top of everything else. At least this way I can focus on taking care of myself. I daydream about other things I want to do in life, and that helps keep my spirits up. My heart goes out to everyone who really wanted kids - breast cancer takes so much away from us. It really is just too much sometimes.

  • Bad_At_Usernames
    Bad_At_Usernames Member Posts: 241
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    Here’s something to bring some hope into the discussion. I started a FB group for Stage IV ladies who are orbwant to be mothers through surrogacy. The three mamas in the group have four boys between them (1 set of twins) and achieved motherhood either through surrogacy with their own eggs or donor egg+surrogacy. If Stage IV ladies can figure out how to be mothers after mets, there’s certainly hope for everyone on this board. I also have two early-Stage friends who had babies in the past year with no real fertility issues.

    I was dxed at 28 and only two years into a relationship with my now-husband. Brain mets were found only six months after active treatment ended so I never had a chance to come off hormone therapy and try. It’s been the hands-down worst part of this mess. I’ve wanted kids since I was 14. But meeting this group of women gave me renewed hope. If anyone wants to learn more about egg donor or surrogacy, you can message me!!

  • Ashlyn
    Ashlyn Member Posts: 93
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    I feel it all too. I've only attended two baby showers since 2012 and the only reason was because it was for my best friends. Any others and I avoid. It's too painful. It's been 6 years since cancer came into our lives. I was 28 and we were gonna try the year I was diagnosed. I've been looking into surrogacy now since we have embryos that have been chillin since 2012, and I found out last July I'm now stage 4 Sad

    Bad_at_usernames I sent you a PM!

    Also, I too know many women who have carried successfully after chemo. Many of them stopping treatment early to do so. Miracle babies are happening after breast cancer!

  • 32B
    32B Member Posts: 186
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    Hi Ladies,

    I'm sorry we all have to be here, but glad we can support each other.

    I'm 32 and getting married this September. We were/are planning on starting a family soon after that, but I was diagnosed with DCIS a couple of weeks ago.

    I'm currently deciding between LX with radiation and MX. If I get the MX I can wait a few years to start tamoxifen, and will hopefully be able to get pregnant quickly, but there's no way to know. Also I really don't want to lose my breast, but having kids is a big priority for me and my fiance.

    There's so much conflicting info out there about the right thing to do, and what contributes to risk of recurrence, including pregnancy.

    In addition, we don't have short term disability at my job, so saving up for the wedding and the expense of having a baby is even more daunting.

    There also doesn't seem to be as much data for future outcomes for younger women with cancer since there (thankfully!) aren't so many of us.

    It's a lot. I wish you all the best

  • lhebs
    lhebs Member Posts: 6
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    I was just dx on 1/4 and am 37 yo. I have no kids and have been with my BF for 15 years. We had been on the fence about children. After my dx I felt that if I didn't have kids bc I had breast cancer, then I would be ok with that.  However after lots of thinking the thought of having that option taken away from me was too much to handle. I decided to move forward with the egg retrieval process. It has surprisingly given me a new kind of hope.

    If anyone is on the fence about children and hasn't started chemo yet, you should definitely go talk to a fertility MD. They have been amazing and so helpful. There are many programs out there that help you with the costs and they expedite the process. It can be done in 15days start to finish.  It will only push my chemo start date back by 1 week. Had I decided earlier it wouldn't have changed my start date at all. My advice is to anyone on the fence about children, go to the fertility MD as soon as possible. I can worry about getting pregnant or using a surrogate later and can just focus on myself right now.

    I am so glad I found this thread. It is really hard to see my friends who have kids or are pregnant right now. Knowing there are others in my shoes gives me comfort. Sorry you are all going thought this. Best of luck to everyone!!!

    Laura


  • NYinshocked
    NYinshocked Member Posts: 20
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    hey all,


    I don't visit this forum often as I have an active 3 1/2 month Baby girl, first baby. Just some hope I was dx TNBC back in January 2015 at 32, I did fertility preservation as my chemo treatment plan probably will make me infertile according to my MO. I got pregnant naturally 18 months post chemo but miscarried due to thyroid issue. I went back to fertility specialist, he tested my #, and were all normal. We did an IUI exactly 2 years after my dx, now she a crazy 3 month baby girl. Embryos still on ice. There Is hope! Also, I am exclusively breastfeeding with my only breast!

  • illimae
    illimae Member Posts: 5,619
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    I’m sorry so many are struggling with this but you are so much more than potentially someone’s mom. You are free to travel without being tied down to a school calendar. You can focus on your pets, partner, community. You can watch game of thrones instead of Barney. You are doing the environment a huge favor by not adding to wasteful consumerism and increased traffic. You can go anywhere, do anything, dream big.

    Just my opinion :)

  • buttonsmachine
    buttonsmachine Member Posts: 339
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    Thanks for that ray of light illimae! I hope to focus on my family/boyfriend/friends/community/dog, and do things that I've always wanted to do while I am still feeling good. I hope I can make a positive impact and help those around me in whatever time I have left. There is so much to do, and love, and experience, that kids just seem superfluous to me now.

    I found out that my disease progressed this week, although I don't know to what extent yet. That reality has made me even more certain that I never want kids. I know not everyone feels the same, that's just how it is for me. I really hope that those who want kids are able to realize that dream.

  • 32B
    32B Member Posts: 186
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    Thank you so much for sharing and congratulations, NYinshocked. What a wonderful story!

    We are lucky to live in a time when we have so many options about how to have children, or whether to do it at all.

  • illimae
    illimae Member Posts: 5,619
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    buttonsmachine, I’m sorry to hear about your progression, hopefully it is something that can be managed for many, many years without too much interruption in your daily life. Also, I’m very pleased you heard my comment the way I intended, not that children is a right or wrong but that alternatives can be very rewarding too.

    I finished working with a very good friend on her own habit for humanity home a few months before my diagnosis, I must admit, I am super proud of that for her and the others we helped.

    32b, I couldn’t agree more about our options! :)

    Have a good evening Heart

  • Gella
    Gella Member Posts: 1
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    I was diagnosed at 33 years old and did not have the time to have kids. So I'm in the same boat as many of you. Due to my type of cancer, I had to start chemo immediately and couldn't even extract and save my eggs before treatment. Now I'm on medication similar to Tomoxifan for at least 5 years.

    For over a year before my diagnosis me and my husband were trying to get pregnant but without luck. Then when the cancer was diagnosed, Well my oncologist said it's very risky.

    I totally understand that some of us choose not to have kids and are happy with that decision. But for some of us who want kids and can't its hard. Each one has her own choices and dreams, and what feels good and right for one, not necessary feels the same for another.

    When I finished treatment, and recovered after my double mastectomy, me and my husband started looking into options. I did not wanted to have a child and increase the risk of him/her growing without a mother. Therefore we started to look into surrogacy options.

    Unfortunately we came to find that it is a very expensive and unreachable for us in the states. It was devastating for me. After being through so much with the cancer and the complications I had around it, now to find that having a child will mostly remain a dream for us was hard.

    Luckily, we found an agency with an amazing women that our dream will become possible now. The Cancer was a war for my life.Now we are starting a path to bring new life to our family. It turned out this can be doable and more affordable outside of USA in places such as Ukraine for instance.

    It still hard for me to see and hear that my friends are pregnant, I want to be happy for them, but after the first happy word, I feel pity and sorry for my self. But now we start to see light in the end of the tunnel.

    If anybody else in same situation, and want to talk, message me.

  • moderators
    moderators Posts: 8,212
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    Gella - Welcome to Breastcancer.org! We're sorry for what you're here, but glad you've joined our Community, a great place for information and a place to share and vent! If you need help around the boards at all feel free to send us a private message.

    Best wishes,

    The Mods

  • AgentMo
    AgentMo Member Posts: 3
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    Hi everyone, I was diagnosed after I turned 33. My husband and I were set for a family. I had just found a new job and we were planing to conceive.

    Fast forward to today and I still don't have kids, but continue dreaming about them. I preserved ovarian tissue and had a try at reimplanting it. Unfortunately, I was not one of the lucky ones where the procedure led to pregnancy. While I regained my cycle, nothing more happened. Now I am back on tamoxifen and am wondering what to do. How far to go. What kind of risk to take for a kid.

    I feel totally lost making this decision. Is it worth trying for a baby while risking your life?

  • AlanisGrace
    AlanisGrace Member Posts: 1
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    Hello ladies! I'm super new here, although I've already gone through my chemo(AC/Taxol) and am just starting to recover from my double mastectomy! It's unfortunate but a relief to see some other young adults who I can relate to. I turn 21 in May, and found my cancer myself this past summer when I was working at Glacier National Park. Having to come back home to wisconsin and live with my parents during all of this was probably one of the hardest steps. I had just felt like I was finding my way in life. They've been more than great, but I'm so far away from my friends and the mountains! But so far, Stage 3 breast cancer has nothing on me😎 Best of luck to all of you strong women

  • Valentina7
    Valentina7 Member Posts: 53
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    I was just diagnosed the 27th of November. I am 33... No kids.

  • 32B
    32B Member Posts: 186
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    Welcome Alanis Grace and Valentina. Sorry to see you here. Hang in there.

    • Valentina, do you have to take Tamoxifen?
  • xtraordinary
    xtraordinary Member Posts: 6
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    Hello all,

    Although I feel relieved that I'm not the only one (thinking that cancer is interfering my plan to have babies), I feel sad because there are many of us in the same situation. Now that tamoxifen endocrine treatment is extended to 10 years, I guess I will have my first baby when I turn 40 or 41... My plan is still up in the air.

    I've read each story of yours. My thoughts and prayers are with you all!

    For those who found cancer early (in-situ pre-invasive cancer cells and stage 1), kudos for you! Not sure how you ladies managed to get your BC detected early because my tumor was not palpable until stage 2 IIB and I wasn't allowed to get mammogram without symptoms (a palpable mass) because I have no family history of cancer. :( According to my doc, many BC cases are not related to family history of cancer. Good to know.. I blame plastics, chemicals and environmental toxins / pollution..

  • ToughCookie101
    ToughCookie101 Member Posts: 119
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    I am 33 and a week and a half post surgery. I'm single and no kids. The bf became a basket case before my diagnosis and it got worst after, so that had to end. I thought i'd have kids in my early to mid 30s, but now clearly I have other priorities (and no man, lol). I am starting fertility treatments next week to freeze my eggs before chemo. My mom was an eight year breast cancer survivor before she passed away in 2017 from something totally unrelated, 10 weeks after I found my lump. I texted negative for 9 genetic mutations. What a crap chute.

  • Valentina7
    Valentina7 Member Posts: 53
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    32B, yes i have to take tamoxifen actually I already finished my first month...

  • Valentina7
    Valentina7 Member Posts: 53
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    xtraordinary, I am not sure how I was diagnosed with such a tiny tumor..0.3 cm anyways it was only in ultrasound where they could first see it. I had a very strong feeling something was wrong with me and I had to insist a lot!! I didn't go for second opinion I went for forth or fifth opinion...funny there is not cancer history in my family but inside myself something was not normal.
    xtra

  • 32B
    32B Member Posts: 186
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    I was very lucky to present with nipple discharge. Even then it took them 4 months to diagnose. My doctor at first thought I had a skin infection.

    One silver lining about being young with this disease if the ability to bounce back from surgery relatively quickly. I had my right side mastectomy two days ago and I don't feel great, but I'm home and eating a little and the pain isn't too bad.

    A woman I work with was recently telling me the story of how she went through menopause in her early twenties, and her first marriage didn't survive that news. Today, she and her second husband have a beautiful girl they adopted who is graduating high school this year. I just like sharing hopeful stories. There are so many children out there who want to be loved.

    Best wishes everyone.

  • Valentina7
    Valentina7 Member Posts: 53
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    32B I wish you a fast recovery. How big was your tumor?

    I also told my husband that I would Iove to adopt in the future.


  • 32B
    32B Member Posts: 186
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    Valentina, I had DCIS, which means I had abnormal cells throughout a 5cm section of milk duct. There were close and some positive margins after the initial lumpectomy, so I got a mastectomy to be sure it was all gone. I won't be sure how much cancer there was until pathology comes back in the next week or so.

  • Valentina7
    Valentina7 Member Posts: 53
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    32B best wishes! Keep us posted!