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Terrified continued

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  • SuQu31
    SuQu31 Member Posts: 73
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    Sig, I worried about telling my mother. She always was a big worrier and I did not want to have to comfort her while I was dealing with my own issues. She also had dementia and it seemed to make her anxiety so much worse. We live an hour away, and my surgery was right before Christmas. There was some talk of telling her I had the flu and trying to stretch that out, but, even in my 50s, I just didn't like lying to my mother and I knew she would be terribly hurt if she found out somehow. Plus, I did not think I could “have the flu" over Christmas and New Year's without making her suspicious. One of my friends suggested that I have my brother tell her the day after my surgery. That made sense to me and that is what we did. She was worried and confused, but I was able to talk to her myself and do my best to explain to her that everything was going to be ok. My brother was great to help me with this, plus he did not want to deal with her anxious phone calls either.

    One funny thing: we did all go to my brother's house for Thanksgiving. His family knew and my children and spouses were there. I reminded them by text that my upcoming surgery would not be discussed and if anyone slipped up and told her, they would be in charge of answering all her worried phone calls! It worked and it made the holiday so much better. No cancer talk during our dinner and a beautiful day of enjoying family.

  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    Jack-Bear ,

    Yes I DO understand exactly what you are saying and you too are an inspiration to me 😊This list is making more and more sense . Part of you being okay is knowing that your loved ones are okay the list can help with that . That’s love ❤️

  • jack-bear
    jack-bear Member Posts: 169
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    I will be praying for you.
    NancyB ♥️
  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    thank you so much for sharing your story in telling your mother SuQu! It really sounds like you handled it very well . So sorry you had surgery just before Christmas and again it sounds like you handled that very well too although I know it couldn't have been easy . It was also very good of your brother to help out like that . Your story is helping me to think and I still have some figuring out to do. It gets very difficult with my mom in that we used to be close, she's so smart , intuitive (and has a PhD) but is no longer mentally fit but seems to be in denial about that .ill try and keep you posted on what happens with me telling her.also keeping the list in mind that I’ve been talking to JackBear and Minus about . When I think of my mother I’m thinking of a deer

  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    thank you JackBear , I the same for you ! 🌺

  • minustwo
    minustwo Member Posts: 13,076
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    Sig - stick to this thread even if it's in the 'diagnosed & waiting' section. We'll be waiting and here to support you.

  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    thank you Minus I will , your support means so much ❤️I hope you are well

  • rlmessy
    rlmessy Member Posts: 97
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    Hi Slg,

    What gear advice and support from these awesome ladies!!

    I was in this site in 2006 when my mom went through breast cancer. She is a 13 year survivor!

    She lives with us and we got our routine mammograms together this year so she knew something was going on right from the start.

    Still it was hard to tell her. Now she is totally upset and cant look at me without starting to cry. To be honest it is getting in my nerves because I am trying to prep and stay positive.

    Anyway, I was just going to reaffirm that this is your story. You get to tell it however and to whoever you want. My mom has been wanting to put me on her church's prayer list since the first day. I did not want that right away because it creates alot of questions from people who are just curious but not invested in my story so I simply said no.

    You will find your balance and your support team as this moves forward.

  • SuQu31
    SuQu31 Member Posts: 73
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    Sig, you definitely need to do this when and how you want to. It really is all about you right now, and those who love you should want to do what is best for you. With my mother, once I explained that I delayed telling her for her own benefit (which was partially true), she seemed ok with it. I love the list idea! And I was surprised by how many people wanted to do what They thought best, instead of what weneeded. But your closest friends/family can help you by speaking the truth to people that maybe you might not want to be blunt to. I also explained that random visitors to our home were not helpful to me or my husband, and people actually listened. A few close friends stopped by, but even they waited an appropriate amount of time to do so.

    I am nice, but not THAT nice, and I wanted this whole situation to go the way I wanted it to. I figured I deserved that, and I did! Fortunately my mother did not drive anymore, so she could not get here without help. Once I felt well enough, we visited her. The dementia issues definitely complicated an already difficult situation. Interestingly, my mother was also quite intuitive (she passed away a few months ago) and she told me she knew something was up. I totally believe it - even with dementia, she knew her children well. Oh and the denial - it would make her very angry when we said she might be “confused." I think it would be even harder in someone as educated as your mother. I'm sure she is afraid of what is happening to her.

    Christmas actually was not bad timing. Work is very slow that time of year, and it's a nice time to stay inside and watch movies and wear pajamas. I apologized to my husband that we had such a slow day, and he said he enjoyed doing nothing and having no responsibilities. We put up two trees before my surgery, and I enjoyed looking at them while I recovered from my two surgeries.

    This is not easy, but you can do it. Again, I love the list idea. And I loved jack-bear's example of the red/orange dress. Some people cannot seem to get the distinction between what they think we should want and what we actually want. Sometimes we just put up with it, but this time, things should go the way you choose. Hugs to you!

  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    Hi Rim

    I really understand how it must get on your nerves when your mom can’t look at you without crying, All while you are trying to prepare , be strong and positive -I’m so sorry.that must be so difficult to worry about her in top of everything else you are worried about for yourself Maybe as things unfold and time passes she’ll become more used to how things are and she can be more of I support system for you .I really hope so.

    I love the list idea so much too!it is so strange how an illness like this really is about everyone else too even though it feels like it shouldn’t be . My husband had a stroke right in front of my eyes 2 years ago and to me it felt in some ways it was happening to the both of us right from the start of the whole ordeal . Thankfully he has recovered from the stroke . My point is that i have an understanding of where our loved ones are coming from in that they are going through it too in their way. In no way am I saying it’s easy.

    You can do this too, Rim ! We have a lot of parallels here , including the timeframe of DX treatment etc , it looks like a bitjust behind you ! Lots of hugs to you!❤️

  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    Hi SuQu,


    I don’t know if it’s always been this way for you but you sound similar to me in the way you want to deal with loved ones , friends in the situation we are currently in . I’ve always been a pretty private person and especially when it comes to medical or personal matters. I’m not always flowingly comfortable talking and talking to people about what’s going on for me the way I’ve witnessed a lot of other people . Even when I had my babies it was very personal and I needed some privacy. I didn’t want people coming in taking pictures like crazy ,wanting to hold the baby and wanting to make sure we were both okay and wanted to know what they could do to help .i knew i needed space and privacy to figure things for the most part .At the time sadly I found that a lot of people didn’t understand that.again I’m just here venting and trying to process! Figuring it out .Thanks for listening.

    I love hearing how you got through Christmas with your surgery and how you handled the whole thing ( including the visitors!) , it gives me a lot of inspiration. Thank you for getting and understanding where my mom is in all this! The denial IS there as she’s so prideful of her education and career. I’m also so terribly sad that we are no longer close and feel as if I lost her many years ago .im sorry that you lost your mother a couple of months ago .
    Lots of hugs! ❤️
  • fairchild
    fairchild Member Posts: 138
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    Sig1234, I just found your posts and wanted to send you a note of encouragement. I was diagnosed in May of 2018. My cancer was a bit more aggressive than it sounds like yours is, in that I needed a DMX and then chemo. I just want you to know that you will get through this, one way or the other. I say that because I didn't know how I would get through it at first. I'm divorced and both my kids live out of town, and they are young adults just starting their careers, so I didn't want to bother them. But I worried about how I could get through this. To my surprise, people just stepped up to help-- people who weren't even necessarily friends! I even made friends in this process. There are lots of resources out there for breast cancer patients, and we can share information about those resources here. When you have a question, just ask. Right now you're probably a bit overwhelmed with information, but I promise, you will be able to make sense of this, and folks will step up to help. Wishing you the very best!

  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    thank you so much Fairchild! ❤️ Your encouragement is so encouraging. I can see You have done this and of course not easy.while my complete DX is still pending(first meeting with surgeon on Wednesday)I appreciate your sharing and reading to my story thus far.i am starting to see people come forward(like you ) that I never imagined. Plenty of hugs and encouragement right back at you .

  • minustwo
    minustwo Member Posts: 13,076
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    sig - good luck getting through the weekend.

  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    thank you for being around Minus !ill be working on getting through it calmly and on the look out for the happy moments.:) Hoping your weekend is really nice

  • jack-bear
    jack-bear Member Posts: 169
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    Have a great weekend, sig. I'm thinking something like a trip to the beauty salon &/or a massage. Something you might not be doing for a while. Or something fun you haven't done for a while.
    NancyB ♥️🙏
  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    awww thank you Jack-Bear! ❤️Something like that does sound wonderful!I’d really hope to if I’m feeling well enough. I hope you can do so something special for yourself too.
  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    here I am again and not doing well . I met with the nurse navigator for education yesterday.she went over my report and yes the clinic diagnosis does seem like it is small and treatable but of course way too early in the game to say for sure .i am .very overwhelmed.ive been up pretty much all night and im too tired to explain the details right now .i'll just say the next step is meeting with the breast surgeon on Wednesday. Anxiety/depression and mental health were definitely addressed and I made several phone calls to get that ball rolling because I know I need help. Of course since it's a Friday I got no return phone calls on that yet .

    The reason I've been up all night is because I continue to have difficulty breathing and my lungs continue to hurt , feels like it's getting worse. I don't know if this is more than anxiety and I'm so worried that it is mets as I've stated before .i did tell the nurse navigator about these symptoms and she explained that they'd be doing scans to check for spreading later .i did have a ct chest scan and a chest X-ray back In April(at the ER) as they checked my heart and it stated that the heart and lungs were normal.i had another chest X-ray 3 weeks ago at the ER and the lungs and heart looked okay with that too. I don't want to go to the hospital. I've already been to the ER for this - it's so traumatizing. This is all so scary :( 💔

  • jack-bear
    jack-bear Member Posts: 169
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    Sig, Does your work insurance have a phone number that you can call for help? EAP, or some similiar acronym?? They might have someone available 24/7. Otherwise, they might have a doctor available via the internet. I think they have real doctors available most of the time. I used one once and it worked really well. Anxiety or fear can make your body go into a whole nother mode. I had an experience that scared me and just thinking of anesthesia can send me into a crying, shaking, pile of adult-sized baby. Last time I needed general anesthesia, I was upfront about my anxiety. I was given a prescription to help me relax. The anesthesiologist was very kind and calm and met with me a day or so ahead of time. It turned out well. Let me know if there is someone you can call that can help you today. I will try to think of something else if neither of those ideas work. You can DM me as well. I am 6 hours behind EDT, so I might be a little slow early in the AM. Please keep us in the loop❤️ NancyB 🎶
  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    hi Jack-bear,

    There is a nurse advice hotline with my insurance. I know they’ll tell me to go to the ER . I taking Valium for the anxiety- it has helped but it’s not helping much right now . Thank you for reaching out to me .

  • jack-bear
    jack-bear Member Posts: 169
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    I know you don't want to go to the ER. Our insurance has an app or a website for a real doc. I have prayed for others when I was really stressed. Nothing about my needs, only for others. That has helped. Or making a grocery list. That can bore me to sleep. Or a sappy rom-com. The sappier, the better. I have looked for strange things on Amazon. I am easily amused.

    Here's an idea!🤙 I have an app for the Bible on my phone. We were without a rector for a while & one of the visiting priests was one of the people helping translate the New Testament. I loved his sermons. He would read the NT in the translation and it always made me smile & feel good inside. I added it to my app. The NT was free.
    NancyB ♥️🙏🎶
  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    Jack-Bear ,

    Thank you for the ideas . You have a wonderful heart . I am trying to calm down. Remembering all the good ideas and encouragement people on this forum are giving me and it’s helpful ❤️

    I looked into it I can request a cam medical visit online.when you did the online doc thing were you having worrisome physical symptoms? I’ve never done that before and again I’m afraid they’ll tell me to go to the ER

  • jack-bear
    jack-bear Member Posts: 169
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    It was after my hip replacement. It looked like an infection in my incision. The doc prescribed some antibiotics & told me what to do if looked worse. It wasn't a big problem with my incision or healing. But the doc was able to actually see the incision.

    Does that help?🙏
  • jack-bear
    jack-bear Member Posts: 169
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    it is sfter 4AM. I'm falling asleep & who knows what I'll text theñ. I will be back soon.
    NancyB ♥️🙏🎶
  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    jack-bear

    It does help to hear your story and I'm sorry you went through that but so glad you were able to get help that way and very good to know.For me I don't really have anything for them to look at in having breathing issues chest/lung pain and extreme anxiety.

  • SuQu31
    SuQu31 Member Posts: 73
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    Sig, oh dear, I'm so sorry. I know you don't want to go to the ER and especially not on the weekend. I'm trying to think of some distractions, but if you can get some actual medical assistance without going to the ER, that would be great. Sometimes it helps to compare how you are feeling right now to how you felt in the past. Is it different or more severe in any way? If not, it is likely anxiety. By the way, you have every right to be anxious and I worry that you are concerned about bothering other people, but you shouldn't be. Why are we women like that? Always trying to make things easier on other people. The unknowns are so horrible. However, even knowing that it's okay to be worried and that it likely isn't anything doesn't always take away the crippling anxiety. I often turn to comedy when I am anxious and depressed. Old sitcoms help me. Or you might do something you really enjoy, like baking or shopping or reading an engrossing book. I was fortunate that between finding out it was cancer and my appointment, I had some important work to do. It wasn't too mentally taxing, and it kept me occupied with something other than the fact that I thought every single twinge was cancer running rampant through my body. (It wasn't).

    These suggestions may not help, but please know you have friends here who understand and we care. And please keep us posted

  • Slg1324
    Slg1324 Member Posts: 106
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    hi SuQ

    It's so helpful to have friends here in the forum❤️I know a lot of what I need right now is to really talk about everything that's going on. I am not able to do that a whole lot in my outside life . I have my husband and he's great support but he's so busy with his high stress job and a stroke survivor himself and I can already see this is weighing on him. Yes I am very worried about bothering other people. I'm very worried about how this is affecting my daughter that still lives at home ( first year in college) who still needs me .everyone else in my life who at one time I would have been able to talk this through with is either super busy (completely maxed out and wrapped up in their lives) has moved in a different direction or drifted off . I'm just a working person(having to take a break from that :( ) , I'm not in any clubs, don't go church and I know I need urgent help with this depression and anxiety.thank you again for listening and support - it may not seem like it but it REALLY helps


  • GiddyupGirl
    GiddyupGirl Member Posts: 196
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    HI Sig - I am so sorry about all the anxiety you are suffering - as if having a cancer diagnosis isn't enough to deal with. I am very familiar with panic attacks ongoing anxiety and the horrible shortness of breath. I had a really bad episode last weekend and ended up going to see an osteopath - she was great - turned out with all my activity and anxiety I had put my diaphragm in spasm ( ended up feeling like I couldn't get a breath in and my chest was full and tight. If you have a chiro or massage therapist or an osteo you could go to it might help. I am in much the same situation my daughter is in college but turns out when I let her she has been a rock although I try to minimize stuff for her and I am really not a group person - I work. Anyway please see somebody to get help for your anxiety - it is a very real problem and don't ever apologize for it. Sending you a big hug and positive energy believe me you can do this.

  • SuQu31
    SuQu31 Member Posts: 73
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    Sig, don't count out your friends! You are super busy too, but I bet you would make time for them if the roles were reversed. That said, although I told lots of people (and worried it would get back to my mother), I did not tell anyone until I knew exactly what I was dealing with and what I was going to do for treatment. I shared that news with my family on Halloween, the date of my “official diagnosis and appointments." I thought that was an awful thing to do, and this time of year is birthdays in my family and we had a grandbaby on the way, and I just hated to do that to people I knew would worry. My husband is wise and calm, but he said, “this is what is going on. You need to tell them. They are adults and this is real life. They can handle it." He was right and it was a big help to both of us to feel their support and prayers. I specifically told them we did not need anything else at that point because I did not want people coming to see me right then.

    And I told my work colleagues because they deserved to know why I had disappeared for a month. I must say, though, that they are an incredibly supportive group, and I knew I could count on them. They did not disappoint.

    However, you need to handle this the way that is best for YOU. Give your family and friends a chance to support you the way you have supported them. Or keep it to yourself if that is better (but it does not seem to be working). I wonder if there is just one person you could reach out to, doesn't need to be your best friend, just someone you think would be supportive, and just pour it out. Get it off your chest. Have a big cry, blubber away, spill out your fears and anxieties. I don't know where you are, but there may be some sort of group that has people available to talk all hours of the day and on weekends.

    And you have us. We have been there and we understand. I promise you it will get better, but I agree with others that you should seek some professional help for this. Getting help is not weakness- it is Strength! You are stronger than you know- even if you don’t feel like it right now. Hugs

  • jack-bear
    jack-bear Member Posts: 169
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    Sig, I think I might be awake. You do have something for the doctors to look at, your face, your eyes, and they can listen to your anxiety. Please don't think I'm saying you Should do that. Only that you Could. All the other ladies have had good advice. You can try them all on & see which one fits, unless you know by reading. We all want You to take care of You.
    NancyB ♥️🙏🎶