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It needs to be okay to die.

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13

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  • runor
    runor Member Posts: 1,613
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    Everyone, thanks. I am checking in before I head off to the chop shop. Have to pile into the truck soon. 

    Rah, not only does it have to be okay to die, it has to be okay to get really drunk too. If I was allowed anything to drink I would join you in a barrel of your finest, all of us would and we'd have a fine old hen party.

    I have shaved my legs, washed the dirt off my feet, scrubbed with soap and done all I can to be ready for this. I will get thrugh this day, millions of women have. It's what I hear 2 weeks from now that has me on a razor's edge. Even Hub, who has been doing his best to not think about this and not let it get to him said this morning, shit's getting real. Yup. It is. And I'm scared. Again, I carry you all with me as I enter the fray. Thank you.

  • GiddyupGirl
    GiddyupGirl Member Posts: 196
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    Runor

    Thinking of you with giant hopes for a good outcome. Happy to join the barrel party, are shaved legs a requirement. From one Canadian girl to another you can do this. Big hugs

  • ilowen
    ilowen Member Posts: 78
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    Runor, thinking of you today and lending you my strength. *hugs*

  • goldensrbest
    goldensrbest Member Posts: 671
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    I love the posts here. I love that it’s ok to die and ok to live. I decided when dx with MBC that I was going to keep my relationship with wine. I don’t give a shit that we aren’t supposed to drink. My labs are fine and every glass I enjoy is like saying “Fuck you cancer”. I’m not a drunk or alcoholic, but I love my grape juice. AND, it’s the only thing that helps with my severe back pain from scoliosis, severe degenerative disease, lumbar spinal stenosis and fracture of thoracic vertebrae. I do not take opioids so I’m not mixing alcohol with meds. Rather than whine, I choose to wine 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷.

  • salamandra
    salamandra Member Posts: 745
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    Thinking of you

  • jkl2017
    jkl2017 Member Posts: 279
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    runor, your pockets are brimming with people holding good thoughts for you today. While we await the completion of your surgery - and the results - I've been thinking about some of the questions you've raised on this thread. Have you, by chance, read my wife said you may want to marry me by Jason Rosenthal? It's a story about the amazing Amy Krause Rosenthal and her battle with ovarian cancer. There's a line in the book that sums up the approach I plan to take if I ever have to face cancer again. (I read this some time ago so this is not a direct quote.) When faced with the bad news of her diagnosis, Rosenthal said that since Plan A didn't work, she was going to resort to “Plan Be". I thought that was such perfect way to approach whatever time she had left. In fact, it's the way I hope to live my post-pandemic life, regardless of my cancer status

    It should be okay to die but it also should be okay to just BE with no excuses, explanations or justifications. And, from what I've seen on BCO, your ability to Be is pretty great.




  • buttonsmachine
    buttonsmachine Member Posts: 339
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    Hoping the best for you, runor.

    Heart

    JKL2017, I really like the concept of "Plan Be." Thank you.

  • Gamb
    Gamb Member Posts: 570
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    Just Be, yep sums it up for me.. I read where Paul McCartney said after his mom had passed away he had dreamed about her. I don't rememeber what he said he asked her, but she told him to just let it be. So he wrote the song "Let it Be".

  • runor
    runor Member Posts: 1,613
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    What a grand time we'd have if we could all get together on someone's lawn around a fire pit with wieners to roast and Golden's wine to drink! Wieners and wine, what's not to love?

    I am home. That fentanyl kicked the shit out of me. I feel very woozy and off balance, but no cramping, just bleeding as is to be expected. Doc said she is not able to declare me cancer free, pathology will have to determine that, will know in about two weeks. But she did say that there was nothing in my uterus that was overly alarming, so that's a wee bit of maybe good news. She said we can discuss a hysterectomy but not at that moment because I was pretty stoned. 

    I am now moving to the couch to BE a big, bleeding blob and feel great relief that I got through this day, Thank god and thank each of you! Now it's another waiting game. I need to go lay down. 

  • jhl
    jhl Member Posts: 174
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    Runor,

    I am so glad you are tucked in your own bed with sweet Fentanyl dreams. It is good to just BE, right now.

    Jane

  • beesie.is.out-of-office
    beesie.is.out-of-office Member Posts: 1,435
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    runor, so glad that you are safely home! Rest well!

  • sunshine99
    sunshine99 Member Posts: 2,644
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    (((hugs))) runor. Thank you for the update. Rest well.

  • ilowen
    ilowen Member Posts: 78
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    Runor, so happy that you’re back at home now. Rest well.

  • lw422
    lw422 Member Posts: 1,403
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    So glad it's done, runor. And we'll all just wait here with you if you don't mind. I'm thinking positive thoughts for the best possible outcome for you. Get some rest.

  • rah2464
    rah2464 Member Posts: 1,192
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    Oh I hope you rest well. Wonderful that there is a small glimmer of good I am going to hold onto it. Hugs, Runor.

  • flashlight
    flashlight Member Posts: 311
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    Runor, Great news. Maybe it was that pesky, polyp/fibroid that was causing you to bleed. Fingers X! Remember to rest and walk around the house some. Drink plenty of water to wash out the anesthesia in your system. Best wishes.

  • jkl2017
    jkl2017 Member Posts: 279
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    Glad your surgery is behind you, runor. Rest and let your DH and DD wait on you (maybe they’ll bring you weiners and wine when you’d feeing a bit better!). Crossing my fingers that your lab report is a boring one.


  • edj3
    edj3 Member Posts: 1,579
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    Heart

  • minustwo
    minustwo Member Posts: 13,153
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    Runor - adding my thoughts - now that Part 1 is done and you wait for the biopsy results. I like the docs thoughts. Get some sleep my friend.

  • hapa
    hapa Member Posts: 613
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    runor - Hang in there! (((hugs)))

  • AnnC2019
    AnnC2019 Member Posts: 93
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    Runor,

    Wishing you a speedy recovery from surgery. And I look forward to many more years of reading your posts which I really value

  • elderberry
    elderberry Member Posts: 1,065
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    runor: Yipee on being done with that part. Fingers crossed for pathology report. Weiners and wine. Sounds good to me. Nathan's hot dogs, please and thank you.

  • runor
    runor Member Posts: 1,613
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    This thread was started when it looked like I was going to be diagnosed with uterine cancer, my 2nd cancer in 4 years. I got the news yesterday that I do NOT have cancer. I do have other things going on and as of this writing have not yet heard from the gynecologist nor my oncologist, both of whom will be able to better explain the pathology report and how to deal with this going forward. It seems tamoxifen is probably entirely responsible for this case of adenomyosis, which can cause bleeding in postmenopausal ladies. 

    This scare shook me. It rocked the foundation. I have been this low twice now. First the breast cancer and now this recent threat of uterine cancer and it is stamped on my soul that I CANNOT let go of this task, this requirement of getting okay to die. Unless I shift my heart, soul, mind and life into the place where I can die with acceptance of the inevitable, I will never live. I think since breast cancer I have not lived. I have lived in a shadow. Muzzled by that invisible hand that keeps me from living out loud, that silent sneak behind my shoulder that whispers every headache might be a tumour, every backache might be bone mets. He is saying, 'you might die and you should be afraid of that'. If I am afraid, he wins. The harder I hold onto life, the deeper his claws sink into me. 

    I cannot take this 'no cancer' news and skip off as if I am excused. I am not excused from dying. At some point, in some way it will come. Getting right with my death is the ONLY way that I can enjoy this brief respite. People tell me to not focus on death. I think that is damaging advice, a set up for disaster. I have to get my house in order. I have to be ready. I have to have made peace with the truth that one day I will cease to be. Be gone. Utterly and forever. It is a BIG thing to be okay with. The biggest thing perhaps. Death is on my mind but until it travels with me as an old friend instead of a foe, I will not be okay. When death is okay, I will be okay. I have work to do. 

  • illimae
    illimae Member Posts: 5,617
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    Runor, I hope that you can deal with the fear and dread in a way that allows you to place in the past as something you’ve handled as best you could and get on with living. Over the years here, I’ve really come to appreciate my natural optimism. It’s difficult to see your friends in such turmoil, I wish you peace and good luck.

    And yay! Not cancer! Celebrate that shit!

  • beesie.is.out-of-office
    beesie.is.out-of-office Member Posts: 1,435
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    runor, having just gone through a very similar experience, I know where you are coming from. But for now, celebrate the "No Cancer!"!! Congratulations!

  • lw422
    lw422 Member Posts: 1,403
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    runor and Beesie-- great news that you both have dodged another effing bullet.

  • kbl
    kbl Member Posts: 2,772
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    Runor, I’m so happy for you and Beesie.

  • alicebastable
    alicebastable Member Posts: 1,945
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    Rumor (and Beesie and anyone else who just got similar news), CONGRATULATIONS! YOU DON'T HAVE CANCER!!! As someone who has heard "Sorry, you have cancer" a few too many times, I am DELIGHTED for you, as you should be for yourselves. Now grab your life back from the fear has been holding it hostage and have fun!

  • edj3
    edj3 Member Posts: 1,579
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    Runor, I think you're right re figuring out the dead part in order to fully live. I read something along those lines years ago, that until we are fully good with dying, we can't live. And for me, that makes sense.

  • nikko1963
    nikko1963 Member Posts: 7
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    I am just beginning this cancer journey. I can only hope to have Moth's courage and bad ass attitude! She is already an inspiration and I was just diagnosed yesterday.