HELP. I am so scared.
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No one is saying you have to be positive. What they are trying to tell you is that you're getting way ahead of yourself with worrying. You're stressing yourself out over things you don't know yet and things that may never happen.0
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Remember from one of your other threads, that I responded and told you I also have an aneurysm? And that you need to keep your cardio doctor in the loop regarding any procedures or medications.
I had my lumpectomy right before I found out about my aneurysm, and neither the surgery nor the anesthesia affected it. I had a larger surgery for kidney cancer a few months later, with a LOT more anesthesia, and that didn't affect it. The month after that, I started left-breast radiation for 33 sessions, and according to subsequent scans, that had no effect on the aneurysm; it's still just sitting there.
What MIGHT affect your aneurysm is all the extra stress you're putting yourself through.
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AliceBastable Yes I remember and knowing that has helped. I don't know why I can't seem to get myself together. It was hard the first time around. It kicked off my anxiety big time and took about 5 yrs to finally convince myself that I was ok. I worked hard to get myself together and I feel sucker punched now. The first time around there were a lot of people I knew personally that had dealt with breast cancer, all different types. So I didn't feel like such an oddity. It took a bit of time for me to accept that I was now part of the cancer group. At first I couldn't even say breast cancer.... But I do not know anyone that has had a recurrence personally. I feel like I am in a very lonely group now. The first time around I reached out to literally everyone I knew that had br ca. Now I don't want to because I somehow feel I have failed. My treatment failed. I am in a different club and there are no other members. I am the reminder that it can and does come back. I am the one that I was scared to think about when I was first diagnosed.
I am back to my therapist and maybe that will help. I have Ativan that I take as needed but they way I feel now, I need it all day long. I have breathing apps, meditation apps, and I try and get an hour walk every day. I am a mess but I do so appreciate everyone giving me a reality check on here.
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Well, I don't know anyone personally who has had three different types of cancer, four when I throw in lightweight skin cancers, one that caused a large, sort of deforming surgery on half my face. I don't personally know anyone with an aneurysm, except for my Dad, who died almost 20 years ago. In his nineties. From something else. Ditto kidney cancer, he had it, died from something else. If knowing someone personally with your exact issues is a requirement on your part to move forward, ask your breast center about a local BC support group. And maybe one of the people you already know did have a recurrence but just hasn't mentioned it.
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Kk - the best thing is to get in to see your therapist. Hopefully, he/she can help you identify some coping skills/techniques . You are not alone in any of this, there are many of us here on this site who have been where you are, some of us maybe not same exact diagnosis but same situation...a recurrence. You really need to try to stop stressing yourself out it's not doing you any good. One day at a time.
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Dear Kkubsky,
We are so sorry that you have received a DCIS diagnosis. We are also sorry that you are feeling so anxious, so alone and somehow a failure that you are in this situation again. It looks like our members are trying to provide support and offer you some tips for getting on top of the worry. We imagine that you want to get on top of it too but are struggling with controlling your anxiety and finding that your typical ways of coping with what is yet unknown are not working. We are glad that it has been helpful to you to reach out to others and to share your current story here. We are glad that you are going back to see your therapist. Please message us as you need so we can also provide resources for you to better manage all of this. The last thing that you need is to feel like a failure because of this new diagnosis. We agree that a local in person BC support group might be a help. We also offer a Zoom meet up for those in treatment for Breast Cancer here. Let us know if we can help you to connect to a group here or in your community. We are here to help.
The Mods
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The support here helps tremendously.
Have a meeting with a surgeon at Yale on Friday. Trying to get an appt at MSK too.
I just cannot stop worrying about the possibility of my DCIS being upgraded to an invasive cancer. I am er/pr negative which scares me Her2 wasn't tested but either way it would be an aggressive type. I am trying to just focus on what I know and not what may be. Very difficult,
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OK Kkubsky - you know the drill. STOP< STOP> STOP!!!.
If you have to leave this forum in order to put aside you anxiety so you you are not confronted with the words "breast cancer" - do so. Just come back in a month or two to report.
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Kkubsky: This is so hard to observe. You are desperately seeking relief from your discomfort and uncertainty. A health anxiety such as what you appear to demonstrate here, cannot be addressed here. The relief you state you feel, is very temporary and you are soon going back to what if’s. Reassurance and rational explanations are ineffective because your anxiety is no way near to being rational. I can guess that this has been a long standing pattern in your life. You repeatedly seek testing and even when tests indicate nothing is wrong, you are soon experiencing more uncertainty about another element of your health and wellbeing. This can be excruciatingly painful and overtakes your thoughts for most of every day. The inevitability of having a heakth issue or two during your life, is interpreted by you as reinforcement of your fears. This becomes an endless cycle and can lead to depression and hopelessness too. You already know that your thought processes are not healthy. There is a very effective treatment for this called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Please seek this out. There are many books written on this subject. Please go to the library. You will find yourself in one of those books and be able to find some real relief. A therapist is much more effective than self help alone. Just know, this can end. And also know that you are not alone. Health anxiety is quite common. Good luck on your self discovery
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Yes I have health anxiety. I have had it my whole life but it amplified when I was first diagnosed in 2016. Went to therapist a long time and finally was able to breathe. Then it got stirred up again. I am back to seeing therapist so hope that will help. My rational mind knows this is not productive thinking. I really do appreciate all the words of advice here. And I even appreciate a good "scolding". Guess I want to be 25 and carefree again.....
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Hey - we all want to be 25 and carefree again. And all of us wish we never had breast cancer. But it ain't so & you need to move on.
Edited to say - you've had comments, suggestions, assistance from the best & the brightest on BCO.
In retrospect I think we are feeding your anxiety - not to mention triggering anxiety in others that read your several threads. I wish you the best, but you HAVE to more on. I don't intend to read or post any more on this thread.
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Kk…you are receiving wonderful advice here. I can only add a little bit more. Please look in the mirror and repeat to yourself the following words….for many of us, breast cancer is a very treatable disease. Got it? Say it with conviction…..for many of us, breast cancer is a very treatable disease.
My friend’s mom had FOUR bouts of breast cancer and died at 94. Four bouts, beginning in her early 50s.
i also want to add…a few years ago, I was diagnosed with what was later diagnosed as a benign tumor in my thigh. It was an incidental finding, but because it was big and deep and about to cause nerve damage, it needed to be removed and biopsied. Thankfully, it was benign. That said, I worried until the biopsy report came back. Looking back…I did all of this worrying about a breast cancer recurrence, when out of the blue, I discovered I had another tumor growing in another part of my body! You were worrying about a DCIS recurrence and then discovered you had something else that was extremely dangerous growing in your body. And now THIS!
Life has a way of creeping up on us. You can either react to life’s uncertain moments with doom or resiliency. I believe the ability to be resilient is G-d given to all men and women. Look inside yourself….I promise you will find it and then….look in the mirror…..
i wish you peace and strength. Goood luck on Friday0 -
I deleted my post because I was afraid maybe it might have been more anxiety inducing. Kkubsky, you will get through this. You did it once and you can do it again. Please let us know what your consults say, and keep us up to date. You're in my prayers. Sending a hug.
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We all have different periods of our life. When I was 25, I was far from carefree. I was dealing with the death of one parent and the role of caretaker for another parent dealing with debilitating frontotemporal dementia, and barely an adult myself, with wonderful well-meaning friends who had absolutely no idea how to connect or support me through something so far from their own experience. I was dealing with my own fear and depression and terrified about being able to support myself and make sure there was money for the care of my parent. Compared to that time in my life my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment was a gift. By that time my parents had died and I had no caregiving responsibilities, had a stable job with good healthcare, and had adult friends who had a clue about how to be supportive.
There is no reason to assume that your best times are behind you - cancer or not.
One thing that helped me a lot on the way was the thought that 'it doesn't matter how fast you are moving (towards your goals/hopes,etc), the most important thing is that you get your feet pointed in the right general direction' (not credited because I have no idea where I read it, but I didn't make it up). It sounds like right now you are working on orienting your feet. That is good work that you can feel good about!
Hang in there!
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Hi Kkubsky,
It's me, Crafylou again!! I've been reading all of your posts, and my heart/soul just goes out to you. I have been where you are twice, and sometimes I think I'm still trying to get back to "normal." I'm not there yet, but I just keep going. I don't have any special words of wisdom like so many others, but I do have things that made me keep on trying!!! I too had the thoughts of why didn't I have these suckers taken off the first time, but I did what was right for me at the time. I did not expect to be going through this again!!!! I have an amazing doctor and so compassionate and he helped me make the decisions I had to make a heck of a lot easier. He gave me both options, but in the end, I made the final decision. He was fine with it!! However, I worried intensely about what that pathology report would say after the double mastectomy. I remember telling myself a trillion times, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I did go on Lexapro to help me with that terrible bottom out in my stomach feeling for a little while. Went back to work about two weeks after the surgery because I so wanted to do something that helped me keep my mind off of it. Even at work, once I got there, I had to make myself focus and slowly my mind would get into the action of the day!! Somedays it was harder than others. I'm three months out from my second breast cancer and double mastectomy, and I go to my doctor next week for a checkup. I still worry about something popping back up somewhere else and I remember after my first issue with BC I did the same thing, but as days turned into weeks and doing things that I liked made it ok. This time around, I'm older and EVERYTHING takes longer, but I'm still ok. Unfortunately, I now have a sister who was diagnosed with BC as well, so we spend a lot of time on the phone comparing, commiserating and laughing about our issues……………..doctors, procedures, surgeries, and how our boobs look!! Well, mine are gone, and I'm totally flat!! She too has the same worries and concerns I do. I had DCIS twice. She was invasive BC stage 1, grade 2, but she had the exact same treatment I had the first time. AND unfortunately, her daughter has had TNBC, and she too joins in our conversations, but she's not old like we are!!! We're at the age where what doesn't hurt, doesn't work!! Anyway, whatever you're feeling is ok, and if you feel that you need that extra help, then that's what you need to do!!! Whatever it takes for you to feel better about yourself and this terrible situation we've been forced to deal with is what's right!! You are an amazing person----you went through this sorry situation once, and you did fine, and you will be fine this time as well.
Anyway, there is another person on this site that helped me sooooooo much!! And she doesn't even know it!! When I was diagnosed the first time, I found BEESIE and read, reread, and read again EVERYTHING she put out there. I've even printed out her posts and when I got scared (the middle of the night), not only would I read them to put my mind at ease, but she also made it seem so much easier to handle it!! The impact she has had on me is unbelievable. I have never like someone so much I've never met!!!! Please find her posts and read them, and then read them again!!! (my kindergarten brain doesn't always get it the first time around…..)
Please keep posting and let me know how you're doing!!
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Well, met with breast surgeon #1 today at Yale. I felt very comfortable with him and he really did take a lot of time to discuss and answer a million of my questions. Showed me all my images and explained what I was seeing. Talked about the odds of finding something invasive....he figured maybe 10% chance for me. He strongly feels it looks like DCIS only but of course one doesn't know until its all out. BUT I feel much better that there weren't any red flags that came up for him.
I have an appt to see a surgeon at MSK in about a week and a half. I can't imagine that the recommended treatment will be different.
Assuming that treatment options are the same, that I like both surgeons, I guess the other thing I am most concerned about is how they do with me going flat, no reconstruction. I showed the surgeon today some pictures of the good, bad, and ugly outcomes. I wanted a realistic idea of what I can expect. Because of whole breast radiation I had, there is the fact that the skin has been compromised and he felt that it wouldn't be a good idea to make things too tight. Makes sense but I certainly don't want deflated balloons either. The surgeon at MSK does work with transgender people so I wonder if perhaps she has a bit more experience with making things look smoother???
Craftylou57 I too have copied Beesies posts so I can just reread them...lol. There have been so many great insights and so much support here from so many. I appreciate it all. I am trying to figure out what kind of shirts to wear after all is said and done. Thinking about swimwear....so many questions....
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Just had the Yale pathologist results come in. Much the same as the original report with the addition of this:
- DUCTAL CARCINOMA IN-SITU, CRIBRIFORM, SOLID, COMEDONECROSIS TYPES WITH LOBULAR EXTENSION, NUCLEAR GRADE 2-3 WITH ASSOCIATED CALCIFICATIONS
- MINUTE FOCUS SUSPICIOUS FOR INVASION (SEE NOTE)
NOTE: On the H&E slide, there is a minute focus suspicious for microinvasion measuring 0.6 mm. However, this is not seen in the p63 and calponin immunostains.I was starting to calm down a bit but this has made me very anxious again. I don't really know what P63 and calponin immunostains mean. I tried to do some research but it is all so confusing. So now I might be dealing with a microinvasion I guess. That scares me.
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how about cking out some of us 5 and 10 yr and 15yr survivors...not all cancer free but alivers. Buried a 39 yr old friend who refused covid vaccine last yr and our friends 2yr old who should have but never got her nueroblastoma into remission. We have a whole arsenal at our disposal before we give up a long, possibly harrowing, probably sad at times fight. We have it so much better than others...its an ambien and attivan night often at my house but not every night. You will get thru this. Tell the devil inside you to blank off and your far from done with this life. Hugs!!!
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You may or may not have a microinvasion. What the report seems to be saying is that there appears to be a tiny microinvasion on the H&E slide, but the two immunostains that are done to confirm the finding did not show the microinvasion.
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Trying to keep the anxiety at bay. For me, that is very hard. I have lived my whole life in fear of cancer. My mother, father, and one brother all died from cancer (not br ca). But growing up I was told by other family members that mother had breast cancer that metastasized to her brain. She died of a brain tumor when I was 10. I never questioned that and actually had my first mammo in my 30s due to family history. At some point I decided to try and get her medical records. Unfortunately some were no longer available due to a fire (no cloud or internet back then) but I did get the records of the brain tumor and her death certificate. She had a glioblastoma which was a primary tumor, not mets to the brain. Also found out she had a hysterectomy (don't know why but think they were pretty common back then). No mention of a mastectomy. I had at some point asked my dad if my mom ever had br ca and he said no. Not much more was said about it. For so many years I worried about increased risk, I was finally able to put it out of my head....until 2016. What I grew up fearing was a reality now. I struggled with major anxiety a looong time after the dx trying to get back to "normal". Anxiety totally controlled my life. Covid didn't help either. But finally after year five post dx, I think I was starting to put it behind me. I still had a few remnants of weird anxiety manifestations, but was feeling good and ready to tackle those last tidbits. And then Sept. came. And got diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm. That knocked me on my butt. I was learning to make my peace with it and keep my blood pressure down (as my surgeon suggested) and then went to my annual mammo/us in February and felt like I got sucker punched. Am trying very hard to not let anxiety knock me all the way back down again but it's a real struggle. I am going to therapy again.
Not sure why I am posting this. Maybe there are others who struggle more than most to deal with a health issue. I am always so envious of people who seem to deal with it so much better than me. My husband said he doesn't understand why I feel so defeated (because that is how I feel). He said he would get angry. Angry that he had to deal with it again and he would be determined to fight with everything he had. Am I angry? I don't think so. I just feel overwhelmed and scared. Scared that my final pathology will be more than DCIS. Scared that my stress is causing my blood pressure to go up. Scared that I am making my aneurysm worse with all the stress and anxiety. Would being angry be better? Maybe.
Am seeing surgeon #2 from MSK on Tuesday. Saw Yale surgeon last week and am having MRI on Friday. I am very impressed with Yale and how quickly they respond to any questions I have. I probably am "that" pita patient that constantly has questions and is overly anxious. But they have been nothing but reassuring and helpful. The surgeon even took time out to talk to me on the phone. Part of me doesn't even want to go see another surgeon. But I am curious what MSK surgeon has to say. I don't really think there is any option other than mastectomy at this point. And I guess the nodes will have to be checked. Lumpectomy was so much easier to deal with....
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All I can suggest is that you go back through this thread and others you created and read every single answer. I don't have anything new to tell you since I've said all that I have for you before, as have several others who have tried to help you. Me, the invasive cancer I had, and my aneurysm that hasn't bit me yet are all wishing you well.
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I guess I just need to put my thoughts down somewhere and then go back and read prior comments. They really do help. I know there isn't much anyone can say other than what their journey has been. But seeing people that have gone through the same or worse and come out the other side is heartening.
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hey kkubsky - are you getting psychiatric support with therapy? If not - it’s so worth it! If so, make sure to tell you team how much you’re struggling.
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Just seeing a therapist. Not psychiatrist. I tried a new therapist but there was no help or connection at all so went back to original. Of course she cannot prescribe meds. But she did suggest L-theanine. I guess I need to find out some more about that.
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If there is a chemical imbalance in your brain that's causing or exacerbating your anxiety, therapy is not going to help. It does not seem to be helping you now. Lots of people have great results from working with a psychiatrist to find a medication that treats anxiety. It sounds like that might be the next step for you.
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The fun never ends. I saw breast surgeon at MSK yesterday, and have surgery scheduled for March 25. That actually relieved a lot of the anxiety I was feeling.
While I was having my breast exam the surgeon noticed I have a fungus infection under both of my breasts. I had no clue. She did say this needs to be cleared up before surgery and suggested I get an antifungal cream, which I did. I am hoping this clears up quickly but am nervous that if it doesn't the surgery will be delayed. How long can you wait before treatment? I just want the cancer out! First time around surgery happened in just over a month post diagnosis. Also, any tips to speed up healing of the infection? Part of me thinks I should go to a dermatologist and not bother fooling around with OTC creams....
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kkubsky, this diagnosis appears to be a recurrence. This means that some of these DCIS cells have been in your breast since the time of your first diagnosis, 6 years ago. And that diagnosis was probably in your breast 3-5 years, if not longer, before the area of DCIS became large enough to be detected. After all this time, the diagnosis still appears to be DCIS, or at worst, it may be slowly (really slowing, as in taking 6+ years) edging towards becoming microinvasive. Based on that, there is no rush to get into surgery. Hopefully you'll be ready for surgery on the 25th, but if not, it will be another few weeks. In the context of 8-10 years, it doesn't matter.
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kkubsky, I get occasional fungal infections under my breasts. Well, just under the full size one now. OTC anti-fungal, the stuff for athlete's foot, usually clears it up really quickly, like in less than a week. If I catch it when it's just starting, it clears up in a day or two. Once it shows up again, I realize I have to start wearing a bra around the house; I get lazy about that in sweatshirt season. You might want to get those no-stick first aid pads - Telfa I think is the name - put the anti-fungal cream on, slap the pad over it, then maneuver your bra to hold the pad in place. Otherwise, the cream will rub off onto your bra. And if you use gauze or a kleenex over the cream, it will absorb the cream and not leave enough on your underboob. Good luck!
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I can relate to your anxiety! I had to get dental work when I was first diagnosed with BC. I was a wreck, trying to not let my mind race ahead but it just wouldn’t stop. The nurse at the endodontist’s office knew about my BC and saw how frightened I was. She sat next to me and told me that the dentist’s mother had had BC three times. And was doing really well. That helped me to relax a bit. So glad she shared that story with me!
I did end up seeing a psychiatrist at my cancer centre and she prescribed an anti-anxiety drug called Escitalopram. I was so hesitant about taking anything on a daily basis but I’m so glad I did. This drug has given me my life back. And my psychiatrist “broke up” with me last month, saying that I’ve come so far that she felt I was on my way and no longer required her services. I can tell you that I know I wouldn’t have come this far without meds and talk therapy. My anxiety was paralyzing and, for the most part, it’s gone these days. Wishing you the best
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MSK had a look at my biopsy slides. Yale had a look at them initially and I got scared when I saw microinvasion mentioned. MSK also mentions it so getting a bit riled up again. This is the report from MSK pathology....
Clinical Diagnosis & History: Breast, carcinoma in situ, L breast UOQ stereo biopsy DCIS with microcalcifications -/- adjacent to post lumpectomy site MSK clinic appt. date: 3/21/2022 Specimens Submitted: 1: Breast, left, upper outer quadrant; stereotactic biopsy (BRSSL DS-22-002415/ A1-3, A-1-6, A-1-7; 1 H&E AND 2 IMMUNOS; TOTAL OF 3 SLIDES): 2/10/2022 Collection Date: 2/10/2022
DIAGNOSIS: 1. Breast, left, upper outer quadrant; stereotactic biopsy (BRSSL DS-22-002415/ A-1-3, A-1-6, A-1-7; 1 H&E AND 2 IMMUNOS; TOTAL OF 3 SLIDES): 2/10/2022:
Microinvasive carcinoma: One focus (spanning <=1 mm) This focus is depleted in submitted p63 and calponin immunohistochemical stains on level sections In Situ Carcinoma:
Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) DCIS,
Architectural Pattern: Solid
Nuclear Grade: High
Necrosis: Moderate
In ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS)
Calcifications: In ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) Extensive and coarse -------------------------------------------------------
Not sure what the microinvasive focus getting depleted in p63 and calponin mean. Yale had a similar note regarding suspicious area.....
- MINUTE FOCUS SUSPICIOUS FOR INVASION (SEE NOTE)
NOTE: On the H&E slide, there is a minute focus suspicious for microinvasion measuring 0.6 mm. However, this is not seen in the p63 and calponin immunostains.Do these mean the same thing? I am not sure I understand what that means regarding microinvasion....
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