Husband's anticipatory grief
Big sigh. My dear husband is not coping well with my worsening disease. I've had progression of my lobular MBC, previously in bones and now to peritoneum, omentum, GI tract. I am finally going to have a laparoscopy/biopsy next week and then begin weekly Taxol. My mood is better now that these things are finally scheduled! My husband's mood is not so good. He won't do support groups or counseling, he says. Instead, he keeps muttering "We're...[effed]." I want to say "Hey, I'm trying to enjoy my todays! Button it!"
I love my husband. He loves me. But his untreated depression is so tough to live with. Can anyone relate? And if so, my heart goes out to you.
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@jodyj I'm so sorry for the progression and your husbands' mental health challenges. I can speak only for my own mental health and it's not great. But I did see a neuo who started me on an anti-depressant. It's helped but somedays, not quite enough. As for counseling, everyone is backlogged or doesn't accept my insurance. If you can get him to his primary doctor to talk, perhaps he could be persuaded to seek help. He needs to be mentally healthier to support you!
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Irishlove, thank you so much for your response and kind words. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to get help for your own mental health challenges. It really stinks that insurance issues stand in the way. I hope that changes very soon! Your suggestion that my husband talk to his PCP is a good one, because he loves that guy. Hoping he sets an appointment soon. Must find a way to suggest that without nagging. Thank you, again.
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Hi @jodyj!
Perhaps your husband would be open to joining our virtual meetup for MBC caregivers — less of a support group, more of a gathering of loved ones of MBC folks sharing their stories and expressing their feelings. Many of our MBC meetups' partners have found it extremely helpful, as the group is very supportive and welcoming. He might want to give it try. It's free, no pressure, and he can do it from the comfort of your home!
Alternatively, maybe he would like to make an account here and join the MBC Caregivers forum, where he can write out his feelings and get support that way?
These podcasts might also be helpful to him:
Just some thoughts. We know MBC can be so hard on all we love. Sending hugs!
—The Mods
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Wow, Mods! Fantastic. Thank you for these links - and the hugs! I've shared them with my husband. He usually does check out what I send him in email. I may listen to the podcasts myself. Will report back on any positive response...
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jody, others have mentioned several good leads that may help your situation. Hopefully your husband is open to some advice and it may help for him to know how other men in the same circumstances cope. Please know that even tho you both have great love for each other, you are allowed to have boundaries to protect your own well-being. It’s not unreasonable to have a short, heartfelt conversation with your husband to say that you know he’s having difficulties but you’ve chosen to try and make the best of your days. And maybe you could talk about how together, you both could do that while still acknowledging the seriousness of the disease. I understand you are concerned for your husband’s well-being; be sure to advocate for yourself as well.
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Thank you, divinemrsm, for this good advice. Sometimes the advocating for myself does not go as well as hoped. But I agree that it's the reasonable thing to do here. My usual way of coping is to spend lots of time alone, which isn't terrible, but I'd prefer to have his company more of the time. We're in a transition period right now, and I'm hoping my new treatment leads to what I've been calling my next happy plateau. I know my husband understands this. He's full of fear. Or seems that way to me. And maybe I'm projecting my own fear onto him, too. Sorry, this is getting way too psychoanalytical! Just mainly want to say thank you for sharing your wisdom and tips.
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jody, I mention boundaries because it’s something I’ve had to work on. At first it was just with extended family but it wasn’t long before I realized I needed better boundaries with even those closest to me, like my husband. It’s been a process, but worth it, and I can honestly say having clearer boundaries has improved all my relationships. I feel less drained, less resentment and more in control of situations. I stopped waiting for others to change. The change had to happen with me. Not always easy, lol! But worth sticking with it and learning to show up for myself.
If you’d prefer to have your husband’s company more of the time, let him know. I mention having short conversations because my own dh is not one to discuss deep things for hours at a time. Maybe your husband is like that, too. I think keeping things brief helps dh process what I’m saying and keeps him from being overwhelmed.
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Divinemrsm, The words "I stopped waiting for others to change" jumped out at me as if they were in blinking neon lights. I think I should reread your entire post several times each day. I need to change my own behavior and my expectations of him. The "Keep it brief" advice is also valuable. I do want to find a new way to approach him throughout this rough time. A friend of mine used to ask "What's me and what's not me" as a way to see what's going on in relationships. I could try this with myself - and try to keep it brief! Thank you, again.
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This is my first post here and my first time visiting this site was last night. All of your stories have my emotions going. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in December 2024 and we found out we were stage IV with liver mets last week. As a husband, I am still working out my role in all of this. As a project manager and somewhat of a control freak, this has been one of the hardest situations for me to simply accept. In December, I felt called to action. I have worked to shore up our finances long term and make sure that I am good at work to be supportive when she needs me. Accepting that there is nothing else that I can do or say to change this situation has taken some effort. Attitude is everything now. We have a 12yr old and a 6 month old to care for as well. We got the diagnosis on the same day we closed on a new house. I am working to adopt the 12 yr old as my own. The notion of becoming a single father in all of this is very real. My mantra has always been to move toward gratitude regardless of the situation. I am grateful for this journey we are on. There is absolutely nothing more humbling than what we are going through right now. I own my bad days and know when I need to step away if I am feeling negative or hopeless. The most amazing thing in all of this has been everyone's reaction to our news; watching people rack their brains for ways that they could possibly help our situation. I am grateful for all of you and really appreciate the perspective. Thank you.
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@natron0802 My heart goes out to you and your children. It sounds like you are doing really well given the difficulty of this diagnosis. I hope you and your wife have many more enriching years together and you continue to grow closer. There is much hope.
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Hi @natron0802, and welcome to Breastcancer.org.
We're so very sorry for the reasons that bring you here, but we're really glad you've found us. As you can already see, our amazing community is full of incredible members always willing to offer advice, information, encouragement, and support — we're all here for you and your wife!
We know you'll find great this space a wonderful resource. We also wanted to point out that in addition to these forums, we also offer free virtual meetups where you (and your wife!) can meet others in similar situations. Our bi-weekly Partners of Those With Metastatic Breast Cancer meetup is every other Tuesday at 4pm ET. You can register here.
In addition, for your wife, we have 4 metastatic breast cancer groups — 3 of which meet weekly for all ages, and 1 that meets bi-weekly for younger women. She can sign up for which one(s) fit her schedule best here:
Anyone with MBC, register here:
Younger With MBC, register here:
We hope this helps. We look forward to learning more about you and your wife, and helping you both as you navigate this diagnosis.
Sending hugs,
—The Mods
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I've walked a thousand miles in your shoes. If you need someone to vent with, DM me. We've been on this road almost 2 years now. I will say, the first few weeks were the absolute worst as we were dealing with so many unknowns. The grief was overwhelming and the anxiety suffocating. The unconditional support of friends and loved ones was critical to getting through that initial stage. But you will eventually reach a steady state where your wife is receiving treatment and her disease is responding well to it. How long that lasts varies with every patient for a host of reasons. The good news, if there is such a thing in a situation like this, is that the field of cancer in general, and breast cancer in particular, is developing more rapidly all of the time. Just in the amount of time we've been on this road several new treatments have been approved and far more are on the horizon. While the metastatic disease isn't "curable" right now, it's certainly treatable and increasingly treated like a chronic disease. Sorry you are going through this.
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