STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Ugh, so sorry @bcincolorado ! Stay safe. Ice is brutal.

@bcincolorado stay safe!

You have taken the words right out of my mouth. I am wrestling with this big time but I know I need the help. I have adult children and young grandchildren. I feel like this is a burden that I can’t put on them.One dd helped me tremendously this week. She just came over and helped me get stuff done. It was still tough for me to see her taking care of some very basic needs for me. I am not ungrateful. I just don’t want to disrupt their lives.

No one wants to be a burden to anyone. Getting help is hard even when you need it and you feel like you imposing on their lives. We have family here in town who say all the time they will come help with things if tell them we need something but know DH who often has a hard time getting stuff done and I can't do stuff I used to do outside now at all to help out he won't call or let them know even though they have offered. The back deck needs painting and has for a few years now. Even have all the stuff but no no one has been able to even sit out there and do it. Getting through a day with no appointments is enough right now.

From what I know some people are afraid of "just showing up" because they do not want to impose themselves or offend in any way, and they don't have a specific request to help. They also don't want people to think they are sending a message that they are less independent and more "helpless" than they used to be, if the people themselves aren't specifically asking for specific help and being up front that they simply cannot do a lot of things by themselves anymore (I hope I'm making sense). Like Chicagoan said, it's been my experience that others feel better helping if they are specifically asked if they can do specific things. I've heard this about other situations also, e.g. when a family member dies and the rest of the family might be able to use some help of some kind, friends and associates will message them with the "so sorry, please let me know if I can do anything" in the general sense, but what actually gets action is requests for specifics, e.g. "could you go to the grocery store for me sometime over the next couple of days", "Would you please manage the guest book at the funeral", etc. Otherwise people don't know what would help, and again, they are afraid of imposing or suggesting that you "can't handle" something when you think you can. (My terrible brain fog causes me to just sort of ramble and give these "stream of consciousness" responses sometimes, so I hope this helps in some way.)

I understand how I “should” respond but when you’re having a bad day, week, month or year, sometimes one needs to just let it out. Thank you for your suggestions.

Getting help is hard for anyone at any age as they can't do what they used to and do not want to impose. When I had my surgery and could not plant outside and garden like I wanted a friend came over when I was in t he hospital and had no idea she was here one day working my yard. I just got to look out at the pretty flowers that came up and only later found who planted them since she sure said nothing to me about being here. She knew we liked to do that and came over.

Also dropped off meals without being asked one day after church since i sure was not up to cooking and DH can do eggs and things like that but not a big cook. Came in handy to pull out something and we had supper a few days at least until I got off the meds and could get in the kitchen at least.

I rarely post on here, tho i have been following several threads since 2020, but I need some advice. I have a friend “BJ” - we have known each other for over 30 years. We share a lot of common interests, books, travel, gardening, cooking…but have very different views on politics and religion. We actually agreed, many years ago, to stay off those topics, and with a few glitches along the way, have done so. But then medical issues became a problem. Bj was diagnosed in 2018 with stage 1 BC. She opted for a lumpectomy and radiation. Her oncotype score was borderline, but she refused chemo (her onc left it up to her), and she refused to take an AI or tamoxifan as well. (And she quit her rads half way through because she didn’t like what it was doing to her skin). At the time she asked me what I would do and I told her that when I was diagnosed (virtually every female in my family has BC, both my mom and aunt died from it, 2 of my 3 sisters have it, most of my female cousins as well, there’s no genetic link, we have all been tested, some of us more than once), so I said “when”, not “if”, I would do a double masectomy, chemo if recommended and then take the AI. But that I was not her and she needed to do what she was comfortable with. At that time, she told me I had to be joking and no one would do all that if they just had Stage 1. I was diagnosed in late 2019. I scheduled my BMX (with no reconstruction) and Bj spent the next 6 weeks before my surgery telling me how big a mistake I was making. (I finally told her I would stop talking to her if she didn’t stop). Then my oncotype test came back with no doubt that I needed chemo. Bj again pitched a fit, actually yelled and cried because I would be poisoning my body, and refused to sign up for the meal train another friend organized because she refused to participate in my killing myself. I actually did stop talking to her for several months, and when she contacted me (not to apologize) wanting to resume our friendship, I told her I was taking an AI, that I would be for years, and that we could continue the friendship ONLY if there was NO discussion about my BC and the path I chose. She agreed and has mostly stuck to it, tho I get veiled comments every so often. Jump to 2025. Two or three times in the last few months, when we have been on an outing around town, Bj has become extremely tired and winded( we live in Seattle, it is very hilly, and we are both in our early 70s, but it didn’t seem right)- the third time it happened I asked what was going on and had she seen a doc. She told me she was fine, it was nothing. So, several weeks ago, we had lunch, she asked about going to an event she was interested in and I told her I couldn’t because I had an onc appointment that day. She said she was excited for me because I was almost at my 5 year mark which meant I would be done “with all that business”. I did not tell her that my onc and I had already decided I would be on an AI for at least 7 years and quite likely for 10. The day of my appointment, she showed up at my house with a cake that said “Cancer Free”, so I told her I actually had a few more years of treatment but that the cake looked delicious. She literlly threw a temper tantrum that rivaled any that my toddlers threw back in the day, said some really nasty things, and deliberately dropped the cake on my kitchen floor, shattering the plate, and walked out of my house. I blocked her on all forms of media and haven’t spoken to her since. Today her husband called me to tell me she had been taken to the hospital 2 days ago when she collapsed while shopping, that her lungs were full of tumors, that it's MBC and not a primary lung cancer, it’s also in her bones, and the prognosis is not good. He wants me to go visit her. I don’t know what to do. I have no idea if she actually wants to see me (he says he’s sure she does, but didn’t actually say that she said that), and I don’t know what to say if I do. Do I go? Should I send flowers and a note and wait to see if I get a response? Any other suggestions? The whole thing is making me miserable and sad but I’m afraid a face to face meeting is going to be awkward at best and possibly awful.

After reading what you wrote Janie, I agree with what Betrayal said

Yes, always try to be the better person, but don’t you think you’ve taken enough abuse already? We don’t know you or your friend (a questionable word to use for this person) but this person seems to be focused solely on her beliefs and POV with no regards to you and yours. I never ask that my friends agree with me on everything nor that we view life the same way. I do ask that we be kind and respectful, even when we disagree. We can’t control the behavior of others but we can define our relationships with them.

Good idea to take someone else with you if you decide to go.

If it a friendship you value in your heart be the better person and you will feel better yourself. Do not judge her for the past choices she made that got her without getting the treatment early she should have completed. Some people are not mentally prepared to deal with things at that point in their lives.

You need peace in both of your lives and maybe you can also refer her to this website for support as well..

@bcincolorado that sucks! I swear this stuff is a part-time job in itself.

I just need to whine. I'm in the middle of chemo and it's taking a toll. Today is such a beautiful day, and I just don't feel like I can enjoy it. I also feel like a stranger in my own body, and that I suck and I'm letting everyone down. I'm tired of being tired.

That's all. Thanks for listening.