STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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I feel your frustration. I would feel so betrayed if I found text messages like that. I’ve never been married so my advice doesn’t really hold much weight, but when I was in a live-in relationship and he pulled something like that, he was on his own when it came to meals or anything else he expected me to do for him. Wink-wink nudge-nudge say no more. FYI - he is married now and as the brother of my best friend, we are still in contact. He credits me with having knocked sense into him when it comes to respecting his wife. He has been one of my strongest supporters throughout my cancer journey. He was going through treatment for melanoma in his eye at the same time, so that was a factor, but still…pretty amazing for an ex. Which brings me back around to my point about whether my advice is “good”. He is my exfiancé. Just sayin’.
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@kathrynw1thasea Could you allow yourself to just feel your anger? Just feel those feelings without wondering if you are right or wrong. Maybe do some journaling to let it out and process it. It would be very hurtful to be left out of the decision making process regarding your parents but at least it is done. I remember about your quilting machine-I'd be angry about that too but maybe at this point you should buy one for yourself if you can afford it. It sounds very much like you've been shut out of everything and that has to hurt. Maybe this can be a new chapter where you can visit your parents as you are able and avoid Sister #3 whenever possible. Nice story about your ex-even though things did not work out, how nice that he is still in your life as a support and that your relationship helped him to be a better husband to the woman he eventually married. Peace to you.
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@chicagoan Thanks for the thoughtful response. Your point about allowing myself to fell rather than question really struck a chord with me. I hadn’t thought of it that way. It made me realize that I still have a tendency to question the validity of my own feelings rather than accepting that the relationship with the sisters is irreconcilable. You are correct about accepting my feeling. I can be grateful that getting my parents into a facility now is happening. I didn’t have to be one of the “bad guys”. Assuming they feel that way. Thank you for helping me see this.
I do have a long-arm now. My best girlfriend’s husband bought one for us to share. It lives at my house. He is the most generous person I know. I love them dearly. Her brother is pretty cool too. :)
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You are valid to have those feelings. Do what is best for you and your peace of mind. I've been there in this situation and it took me dealing with cancer to say I've had enough of the bs people were demanding of me. I finally drew boundaries and forced those that didn't feel I needed them or accept the boundaries to see I wasn't going to play their games no more.
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I have been fuming since late yesterday afternoon. Came back from running an errand to a situation I didn't ask to be dragged into. My younger brother called me and my first thought was 'something is wrong with mom or my stepdad', so I answer and ask what is going on. My brother proceeded to rant and rave and then verbally attacked both our mom and my stepdad (his bio dad) while i was listening in. I was so shocked over this that i couldn't get a word out. I listened to my mom tell him to knock it off and leave her alone. My blood pressure was wrecked and i ended up with a migraine over this. As soon as I hung up from the call, I was crying. As mad as I may get with my mom for her antics toward me, I would never do that to her. He literally said that he couldn't wait for the day she and my stepdad were both dead!
My elderly mom called me soon after in tears, I had to literally calm her down over the phone. She didn't know I had heard the whole thing over the phone and I was devastated. During her call to me, my stepdad was checking on her while she put the call on speakerphone and I told him exactly what I heard and he was irate over it. Before my stepdad checked on her, I told her to take my brother off as an emergency contact for anything with her medically and to put me on as a secondary contact even though I am at least a day's travel from her and she is my backup emergency contact here in case something happens to me and they can't get in touch with my hubby.
I literally wanted to reach through the phone and knock the daylights out of my brother! He has always been a nasty little jerk when he isn't the center of attention! And he's always acting like he's never to blame for anything, it's everyone else's fault! Always mooching off my mom and stepdad for everything. When he gets what he wants, everything is fine but when he doesn't its nasty jerk mode. I hardly slept last night as I am worried over my mom and stepdad last night since my jerk of a brother lives with them! I told them that if it happens again, to tell him to leave or call the cops and have him removed! My mom and stepdad shouldn't be subjected to this in their later years! They gave him life and this is how he repays them for that! This totally crossed a line with me!
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oh no! Is there any way to move your mom closer to you and do you have someone to help with that? Sounds like where she is not good right now
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My stepdad is steping in. He's had enough of my brother's crap and is going to lay down the law. Said I should never have brought into this and that both are taking my brother off any medical emergency contacts or medical decisions and putting me on even though I am long distance from them. Said they can trust me as I am older and more mature.
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Took my cat Grace for her shots yesterday. Everything was going well until the vet looked at her teeth and saw a teeny bit of plaque and then said that my cat who never had an mention from previous vet about a teeth cleaning! She eats the same dry food that her kitty sister eats and the same hard treats! Found out it would be an all day thing for her, so we asked for an estimate on the cost. Got it last night and I damn near passed out in shock. Anywhere from $1000-1500 for the cleaning as they would have to sedate her. When my hubby saw that he said NO to that. So I started researching alternate methods of cleaning her teeth, and I found a water additive at Walmart to try. Who the heck can afford that kind of vet bill?
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It's been a few years since i had a cats teeth cleaned. Only a couple hundred. Find a new vet. That sounds like pure and simple GREED.
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Yes. I have a feeling when we take our dog in a few weeks for his yearly, she's going to want to push for him to get a cleaning. Nope! Got something you can add to their water and it should work.
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I think Petco sells stuff for their water to help with teeth for pets. Then maybe they do not need cleaning as much. Know for some they can loose teeth f they have issues and can cause other health issues as well if get infected. We love our fur babies. They give us so much joy but also a big financial burden.
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i found it at my local Walmart and we are giving it a try. They all drink from the same water dish, so i put it in when I fill the dish.
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hope helps. My dog loves Nyla bones that help clean her teeth and also does a daily chew that also helps clean her teeth at this point but she is still fairly young. Have a friend from church who had her dog loose teeth though even though they did stuff and now has almost no teeth in his mouth and has to have soft food now.
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July31, I apologize if I misunderstood your vent. It was not my intent to offend you.
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Was going to call my mom today to have a quick chat but thanks to her spreading drama, I have to do damage control. She is lying to everyone that my cancer is back! I just found this out from a friend who is like a sister to me! Shes even told my step cousin and my step Aunt it has returned. Even my niece who I have not spoken to in a few years because of issues she created has heard this and contacted my friend. I am so sick of this and my mom's lies in order to get attention.
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how old is your mom and what other issues she have? I know mine seems to want to even speak to strangers sometimes. I know she is in upper 80's now and seems the older she gets she runs off at the mouth with everyone she sees now and people do not need to know our lives. We are very selective in what we share now.
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Mom is 81 and she has too many to mention. She does these kinds of things to get attention. At least I got the word out to family that may have been told this by mom and said what she was saying is false
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@m0mmyof3 I get it. My parents create plenty of drama. They don’t mean to, but it feels like a betrayal when they do.
My 84 year old mom has denied her increasing dementia for over 6 years now. I realized how serious it was getting when she stayed with me during my surgery and treatment phase that began 4 years ago. Dad has obviously been in denial as well. My sisters were in denial for most of the past 6 years as well. To make matters worse, the 3 of us don’t agree on how to handle our parents’ aging and their needs.
Most of you have heard the whole story before so I won’t go into it. I made my share of mistakes and I’ve owned up to them without much effect. My parents are on some level aware of the sibling estrangement and both have been trying to “fix” my youngest sister’s relationship with me, succeeding only in making it worse. Now my parents are stuck in the middle and complicit in keeping secrets from me. I know they love me but it feels like deep betrayal at times. I learned recently that I have a second great-nephew who is almost 2 years old now. Mom forgot she wasn’t supposed to mention him to me. Dad’s health is in serious decline now and I really don’t look forward to the drama of having to deal with my sisters…or my mom being totally “checked-out” when it comes to dealing with his decline. That’s a whole other story.
My point being whether it’s intentional meddling with ill intent, a cry for help or simply attention seeking, our parents are aging and with that come difficult challenges…often painful ones. Forgiving takes time…I look forward to achieving it.2 -
I can relate. With my experience my mind went immediately to personality disorders and mental illness. Not always the case of course. I've dealt with many others with these issues.
I recently heard someone was saying mine is back and I'm taking chemo again. Clearly they don't understand cancer and stage 4 means I will always be in treatment. Some don't react well to that like it's new news. Then again they are elderly and may be mixed up/forgetting.
I'm always sorry to hear of family that doesn't get along or someone else with dementia. A sad reality of life. Both stressful situations too, the last thing we need. I have my share of both. Stress is a daily thing for me.
I have a sister that hasn't TALKED to family in 38 years and we don't know why. 2 other sisters that barely talk to each other and put me in the middle. They both tick me off for other reasons, 1 political and the other doesn't want to hear how I am at all. Dd is ADHD and autistic. DH has early alzheimers. She always uses a loud outdoor voice and he always uses a library soft whisper. AAARGH
Parents are all gone but we're good to us and not any trouble. I need a vacation from the ones I love the most.
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@gailmary I have one sister who hasn't talked to the rest of the family in over 20 year and we don't know why and to be honest I'm ok with it being that way. I have another sister who lives about 9 hours away and as long as it stays that way we get along fine with talking every Sunday on the phone. We have very little in common. She is judgmental and always right. When I was first diagnosed and told her the immediate response was basically how inconvenient it would be for her to come. I have no other real family. I had been thinking about a mastectomy but decided on a lumpectomy because I knew I could handle it on my on. There was some discussion about whether I needed chemo on top of radiation but decided on twice the treatments and to skip chemo for the same reason. Looking at sites like this one and others I feel like it isn't a case of if but when I'll have a reoccurrence or will have it pop up some place else, or some other side effects that will impact me severely and I'll need help. My sister has been on me to move closer and I know I should but every time I start looking into houses or thinking about having to rely on her it sends me to a very dark place. I've always been satisfied by my decisions not to marry or have kids but lately I am becoming so envious of those that have family and close friends to help.
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I find that sad. Yep I'm ok with not talking to sis again. I don't want to see her anymore either. I get anxiety at the thought of seeing the one that is an hour away. I think of my future alot lately. 3 siblings can't help. Dh and his 3 siblings are worse off than dh and nieces can't help either or to far away. Dd will need help too. As smart as she is she won't be able to help much as she needs much help herself.
I can understand being envious, but having a spouse or kids doesn't guarantee that they'd be there for you. It might be worth stopping at the county offices of Seniors and Disabilities Resource Center and see what we can learn.
When I see little kids that exhibit the same symptoms my dd showed I get upset and maybe it is a bit of jealousy when I see the normal healthy babies. I have no problem with not being a grandma though. And my goodness @july31 don't be expecting that cancer to come back. That is not good. Take care of yourself with positive thoughts.
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@gailmary Never wanted kids so I'm ok with that that decision. Guess we are on our own.
Respectfully, I think the whole positive thoughts/attitude is BS and I really have no idea how you would even go about that considering the odds. Just look around this site, if the posts aren't new diagnosis, they are reoccurrences or other new debilitating issues. Being realistic and facing the odds are the only way I can see facing this crap.
I wish you strength and patience though.
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there is another good site for those with people who have different forms of FTD dementia and not Alzheimer's. I am on there because of my aphasia developed and it isa form of FTD as well. There are a lot of caregivers and family on there as well who can offer advice on different things as well. that site is;
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I'm done trying to talk to people! No one from my hubby on down listens to me at all! Its like I am talking to a wall!
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Mommyof3, I feel like that pretty often too. But only 2 of them. Dh is half deaf and loosing his memory. And DD is ADHD AND AUTISTIC. A VERY DIFFICULT COMBO. She is not good at a normal conversation. Constantly need to repeat myself or do what I Ask of them. 3 sisters and none of us talk. 3 sister in laws too and we don't talk. I hate it that nobody cares. No relationship.
The ones that care the most are the ones that are alone. But their not about to help out. Can you refer a cleaning lady. They can't help and after a lousy 1.5 yrs with health I just broke my ankle.
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Wish i could, Gail.
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you can vent here and we will listen to you!
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