STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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I’m trying to figure out what to feel and what to do. Background: my parents are both turning 85 this year. Dad just got out of the hospital and rehab for the past 2 weeks. They live in a town 2.5 and 5 hours drive from all 3 of us. My sisters are both grandmothers and “retired” from being stay-at-home moms. I am a 34-year professional architect still working in a position of leadership. My sisters and I have quilting and my parents in common and little else. I’m the oldest. Sister #2 is resentful that I didn’t live up to her image of who I “should have been” when it comes to involvement with her family, who have always lived a plane ride or 5-hour drive from me. Sister #3 is the one who told me that I “contaminate everything” I touch as the excuse why I wasn’t allowed to come to her house after chemo infusions to use the long-arm $12k quilting machine our mother bought us to help me emotionally during treatment.
Here’s the question: should I be pissed off to find out that an assisted living facility has been found for my parents? That even though sister #3 has insisted on being the sole contact with medical professionals and keep #2 and I informed, I discovered today that in spite of having agreed 2 years ago to have open and unified discussions about how to best serve our parents needs, not only have they been discussing it without me, they have been working with my parents and have located at least one facility…without communicating any of this with me. My dad was the one to mention it.Who should I be angry with? Mom has had undiagnosed and progressive dementia (probably Alzheimer’s as it runs in her family) for over 7 years and Dad is a coward when it comes to confrontation, not to mention noticeable memory decline in the past year. The last time my sisters and I had an actual conversation, it was to shut me down when I suggested it was time to discuss assisted living while our parents still functioned without significant mental and physical issues and could benefit from the social interaction of a good facility.
Am I wrong to be royally angry with all 4 of them?
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I feel your frustration. I would feel so betrayed if I found text messages like that. I’ve never been married so my advice doesn’t really hold much weight, but when I was in a live-in relationship and he pulled something like that, he was on his own when it came to meals or anything else he expected me to do for him. Wink-wink nudge-nudge say no more. FYI - he is married now and as the brother of my best friend, we are still in contact. He credits me with having knocked sense into him when it comes to respecting his wife. He has been one of my strongest supporters throughout my cancer journey. He was going through treatment for melanoma in his eye at the same time, so that was a factor, but still…pretty amazing for an ex. Which brings me back around to my point about whether my advice is “good”. He is my exfiancé. Just sayin’.
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@kathrynw1thasea Could you allow yourself to just feel your anger? Just feel those feelings without wondering if you are right or wrong. Maybe do some journaling to let it out and process it. It would be very hurtful to be left out of the decision making process regarding your parents but at least it is done. I remember about your quilting machine-I'd be angry about that too but maybe at this point you should buy one for yourself if you can afford it. It sounds very much like you've been shut out of everything and that has to hurt. Maybe this can be a new chapter where you can visit your parents as you are able and avoid Sister #3 whenever possible. Nice story about your ex-even though things did not work out, how nice that he is still in your life as a support and that your relationship helped him to be a better husband to the woman he eventually married. Peace to you.
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@chicagoan Thanks for the thoughtful response. Your point about allowing myself to fell rather than question really struck a chord with me. I hadn’t thought of it that way. It made me realize that I still have a tendency to question the validity of my own feelings rather than accepting that the relationship with the sisters is irreconcilable. You are correct about accepting my feeling. I can be grateful that getting my parents into a facility now is happening. I didn’t have to be one of the “bad guys”. Assuming they feel that way. Thank you for helping me see this.
I do have a long-arm now. My best girlfriend’s husband bought one for us to share. It lives at my house. He is the most generous person I know. I love them dearly. Her brother is pretty cool too. :)
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You are valid to have those feelings. Do what is best for you and your peace of mind. I've been there in this situation and it took me dealing with cancer to say I've had enough of the bs people were demanding of me. I finally drew boundaries and forced those that didn't feel I needed them or accept the boundaries to see I wasn't going to play their games no more.
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I have been fuming since late yesterday afternoon. Came back from running an errand to a situation I didn't ask to be dragged into. My younger brother called me and my first thought was 'something is wrong with mom or my stepdad', so I answer and ask what is going on. My brother proceeded to rant and rave and then verbally attacked both our mom and my stepdad (his bio dad) while i was listening in. I was so shocked over this that i couldn't get a word out. I listened to my mom tell him to knock it off and leave her alone. My blood pressure was wrecked and i ended up with a migraine over this. As soon as I hung up from the call, I was crying. As mad as I may get with my mom for her antics toward me, I would never do that to her. He literally said that he couldn't wait for the day she and my stepdad were both dead!
My elderly mom called me soon after in tears, I had to literally calm her down over the phone. She didn't know I had heard the whole thing over the phone and I was devastated. During her call to me, my stepdad was checking on her while she put the call on speakerphone and I told him exactly what I heard and he was irate over it. Before my stepdad checked on her, I told her to take my brother off as an emergency contact for anything with her medically and to put me on as a secondary contact even though I am at least a day's travel from her and she is my backup emergency contact here in case something happens to me and they can't get in touch with my hubby.
I literally wanted to reach through the phone and knock the daylights out of my brother! He has always been a nasty little jerk when he isn't the center of attention! And he's always acting like he's never to blame for anything, it's everyone else's fault! Always mooching off my mom and stepdad for everything. When he gets what he wants, everything is fine but when he doesn't its nasty jerk mode. I hardly slept last night as I am worried over my mom and stepdad last night since my jerk of a brother lives with them! I told them that if it happens again, to tell him to leave or call the cops and have him removed! My mom and stepdad shouldn't be subjected to this in their later years! They gave him life and this is how he repays them for that! This totally crossed a line with me!
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oh no! Is there any way to move your mom closer to you and do you have someone to help with that? Sounds like where she is not good right now
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My stepdad is steping in. He's had enough of my brother's crap and is going to lay down the law. Said I should never have brought into this and that both are taking my brother off any medical emergency contacts or medical decisions and putting me on even though I am long distance from them. Said they can trust me as I am older and more mature.
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Took my cat Grace for her shots yesterday. Everything was going well until the vet looked at her teeth and saw a teeny bit of plaque and then said that my cat who never had an mention from previous vet about a teeth cleaning! She eats the same dry food that her kitty sister eats and the same hard treats! Found out it would be an all day thing for her, so we asked for an estimate on the cost. Got it last night and I damn near passed out in shock. Anywhere from $1000-1500 for the cleaning as they would have to sedate her. When my hubby saw that he said NO to that. So I started researching alternate methods of cleaning her teeth, and I found a water additive at Walmart to try. Who the heck can afford that kind of vet bill?
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It's been a few years since i had a cats teeth cleaned. Only a couple hundred. Find a new vet. That sounds like pure and simple GREED.
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Yes. I have a feeling when we take our dog in a few weeks for his yearly, she's going to want to push for him to get a cleaning. Nope! Got something you can add to their water and it should work.
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