Sep 1, 2021 06:09PM MaineJen wrote:
Serendipity: German Chocolate and Doritos - you are my kind of girl! LOL! OMG that is exactly how I would indulge. Always end on a salty note, I say! And Doritos are my favorite! :) xo
And Jasmine2717 - ice cream and Oreos before dinner! You go girl! Love it! Sometimes we just HAVE to do these things! It sounds like that was a seriously stressful experience yesterday so I'm really glad you got to keep the fuzzy robe and blanket! XOXOXOX Keep us posted about your start date when you get it. And yes, our lives are so full of so many curve balls, it's really something, isn't it! Let's just say we're all quite curvy! LOL! (that's a stretch but what the heck, right? xo)
And Michele - he said "the needle is huge!"??!?!?!? OMG!!! I know he was joking but yikes! I would have burst into tears as well! It's a good thing he got you those flowers...oyyyyy!!! xoxoxo And it sounds like you've got a lot you're dealing with, on top of everything - re: deliberately putting yourself into menopause. Oy, being a woman at all different stages is really a thing, isn't it. I'm 99% sure I'm in menopause, but just to make sure I am (and for other important reasons), after radiation, they're going to remove my ovaries and tubes. So then they'll be 100% sure I'm not going to have a period, LOL, and then once all surgeries are done, apparently I'll start taking anti-estrogen pills, whatever they are. So we're on quite the ride..."roller coaster" seems like the best description, even if it is overused. :) Sending you giant hugs full of love.
Esther - my heart broke for the woman on the stretcher - when I read your note, I totally understood why you wept. :( I just really get it. It is heartbreaking. I'll pray for her too. Poor lady. :( Also: thanks for your reassuring words. I"m so glad your sister has kept on you to keep on walking. You're right, we'll have time (God willing, of course) to detox after all of this is done. My husband keeps reminding me of that and to not be so hard on myself. I just feel so impatient. I'm so sick of feeling one side effect or another, you know? It all feels endless.I don't feel well, ever. Like ever. I know you all know. It's not going to go on forever, but it often feels that way. And today I walked in to radiation, feeling super low and unhappy, and said "please turn off the music while I'm in here," And they did -they didn't seem to happy about it - but seriously? It was super loud! - and it was like a disco not a radiation place! I mean, I was fuming on the inside but trying to maintain my composure on the outside because, after all, these people are in control of serious rays zapping me and I don't want them feeling frazzled or hostile towards me just because I don't want their music on. Anyway, it sounds like you are juggling a lot too - with your Mom and family and radiation and just everything. It's rough with so many balls in the air at once. Your family is very blessed to have you. That's one thing I know for sure. xo
I'm struggling with the "saying no" thing now. I have too much going on, and while I am very blessed to have these dear friends ( a couple) who love me/us, they just can't seem to believe me when I say "no." They live a few states away and have asked, repeatedly, to drive up to come visit - since my diagnosis. They have asked and asked and asked. I've tried to be gentle - I love them SO MUCH - they are SO wonderful. I've explained that I just don't have it in me right now to host. I've explained that as much as I love them - and I do - I just need space and once I recover more, I'll be SO thrilled to have them here or go visit them or whatever. I've explained every which way I know how that I'm just not my "normal" self - during chemo there were days when I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't walk, couldn't talk I was so sick or low energy or whatever. I'm really upset right now - on top of being upset about everything. I just got an email saying "guess what!? we've rented a place 20 minutes from your house and we're coming for a weekend in a few weeks - no pressure but we'd love to visit with you and the family." No pressure? They have literally never come to Maine to visit for any other reason than to be with us. So they basically have decided to not take no for an answer. Because how, how on earth can I say "have a great trip but I can't see you at all."? I cannot do that. And so I'm feeling - I don't know. I mean, I know they love me. I know it. But it's really upsetting to me on some level. I'm sure it'll be fine. But I cannot host. I'll just have to go to them or something. I'll still be between radiation appointments - not done yet - when they are here. I don't know how I'll be feeling by then. I know I will not have had even one moment to start recovering in any way. It's so - I don't know. I just can't believe they're doing this. I guess they have this idea that I don't know what's best for me and that they think that seeing them is going to be good and healing. I'm not saying it wouldn't be wonderful to see them. I love them. But I guess they decided for me what's best for me and it feels - well - upsetting. What would you all do? Am I a bad person for being upset? I feel a bit unseen and unheard here. I am sure I'm overreacting, but in just a few months I've been through so much, I'm just flattened entirely - and this feels - well - not good. Thoughts? If you think I'm being mean or overreacting or unfair, please feel free to tell me.
Love to all.