Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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Oh Kathi -- the one year anniversary is so bittersweet. It is a celebration of your strength and being NED, but a sad reminder of how your life changed over the past year. That big slap in the face by mortality. Sometimes we are so strong, getting along just fine, and then whack! something, like the anniversary, sneaks up and we "lose it" for a bit. And it's OK. It's more than OK, it's normal emotions.
I've been on anti-depressants for eons, I can't imagine how I would have gotten through all this crap without them. If you do find that you aren't snapping back, not coping as you normally would, have a talk to your doc and see about getting some anti-depressants. No one should suffer physically or psychologically.
And re. the comment about having a sense of humor and not being depressed -- hey, I am depressed as hell and can still tell a good joke or say something witty. Or find something funny in something that makes me sad.
For example, did I ever mention that with my lumpectomy (left breast) if I lift my arm my nipple does an about face and "looks" directly to the left, giving my breast a funny, pinched in "face". If I draw ears, eyes, and whiskers on it, it looks like a meerkat. Really. I hate my mutant meerkat boob, it depresses the hell out of me, but my humor helps as a coping mechanism. So poo on that doctor!!!
Big hugs and big sux all round.
Elizabeth
xox
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THIS is my support group. I couldn't have assembled you ladies any other way. I'm not the funniest person I know, but I'm one of the strongest. It's genetic. If you knew the stories about my ancestors (the women I know of), you'd be as awed as I am. I try to honor them. Humor is a gift, a priceless gift.
Thank you, for being you. Has anyone else told you that today? Well, they should have! (In my opinion - IMO)
Your sessna1
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I also march into my GP's surgery and when asked 'how are you' just say 'fine' !! When I am dropping to pieces I just say 'fine'.
Earlier this year I saw a locum dr, out of my GP's normal hours.
I walked in, said my usual 'fine' and he came straight back at me saying 'HOW can you be fine when you've come here to see me?' I had slipped a disc at the time, and was in agony, but I was doing my usual trick of trying to put a brave face on it. I suppose its no wonder I complain about my GP being unsympathetic, when I am telling her I am fine, when I'm bl**dy well not !!!!! I just hate to be a burden, and look ill. Just wonder if things get missed with this brave face attitude.
Isabella.
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Here's one. During prep op for my ooph. The nurse asked "why are you having this surgery?' With a straight face I replied,"So I won't get my period anymore" Boy the look she gave me. Then I told her in detail the real reason.
Have a great day ladies.
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I've said this before, so I apologize if it was on this thread...as women, we deal really well during a crisis and then allow ourselves to crash when it's over. It's then that we take care of ourselves. The problem with this bc diagnosis, is that it's never over! We have no down-time, no crash site! The adrenaline coursing through our systems is so draining and zaps us of all energy.
I am no good to someone else if I'm not good to myself first. My world DOES revolve around me, thank you very much! That's why the flight attendants tell you to put YOUR oxygen on first, so you'll be ABLE to put it on your child! A martyr I am not! Whew! Good rant, eh?
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BARBE - yes, it is a good rant and, as usual, you are correct! I always say "fine" when someone asks how I am except the time recently when I saw my doctor and he asked how I was doing. I told him I am so depressed I am suicidal - HELP! But otherwise, I figure people don't really want to know how you feel. My youngest sister says she never asks our aunt that question because she will tell you in excruiciating detail!
Isabella - I know what you mean - the worst thing for me during my recent hospitalization and rehab time was that I couldn't wash my hair but once a week. I couldn't even shower (I did take sponge baths). I felt that if I didn't look good I was weak and sickly!
This is my support group too! No one who hasnt been through this journey can understand like the women on these boards can and no one else is willing to listen. Most women don't want you to solve their problems (except a cure for breast cancer), they just want someone to listen.
KAK -lots of hugs!
Mary K - I hear you - the medical staff doesn't have much of a sense of humor!
Elizabeth - you are too funny! I try to see the humor in most things too. What's the point of crying all the time?
Navygirl - here's praying you have a pain free weekend. I like the way you put it - "when you body isn't screaming at you all day." Who can think with constant pain?
Sessna - you are a strong, strong woman and it may be generic but you make good sense and make a great friend.
Hugs to every one of you beautiful women!
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Dream - most important -- I get angrier and angrier everytime I think about your situation. Sitting on a test is not the standard of care for any doctor. If it was contaminated, he should have called you back in immediately to retake the test. And that therapist you saw - how can he/she make that determination in one session? God, its a wonder we have survived at all given the current state of medical care!
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You are so right on the 'no crash site' statement, as well as the other things you say, Barbe! I haven't had my first pity party this go round, yet.
I try to be a 'manly girl' when around extended family and friends, because I don't want to worry them. I fear I am getting close to a major crash and, because of that, I don't want to see people in case the event happens in public. I know from the first dx, I tried so hard to protect my kids, it took me 'til the day I came out of hospital to accomplish. It was a very simple statement made by my youngest son, that set it off. Considering it was at the dinner table, I succeeded in badly upsetting the whole family!
The trouble with going on outings with family/friends is that, because they care about us, they ask how we are! This simple ritual of meet and greet is riddled with unseen stressors which, depending on the person who asks, we have to make computer-fast choices on which type of answer to give so that we don't drag them and ourselves into the abyss of doom and gloom.
Most of the time, we women push our emotions down into some inner black hole, keeping busy, doing whatever it takes in order to not think about ourselves. I think that's why a lot of us have trouble sleeping, especially in the early hours, when our sub-conscious awakens us to give us a little one-on-one time, to get it out of our systems.
Sheila.
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...and I also do NOT want pity! Concern, okay. Pity, not a chance!
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Hey hey, Im ok. My therapist has been seeing me for 3 years. She knows when Im struggling to pay attention and she said my skin tone was bad. Only she could get away with that.
By the way, how do you get rid of shiny skin.... Im not talking greasy. More like toned leather. Do I need to scape away a layer? Nothing I do seems to work.
My doc was on vacation (he just adopted a Vietnamese girl) and so this was the substitute. You are right - he should have got the re-test or had me go to my family doc for speedier results. Im on anti-biotics and am much better. My constipation has gone away for a little while.
Had my cat scan yesterday. See how Mr Pitt is doing down there (the one leaning on my ureter). Hoping nothing new is developing.
I spilled that huge cup of stuff you drink before the cat scan. The whole cup - hadnt taken a sip yet. Across a table, down the wall and a huge puddle everywhere. I was apologizing all over the place and they act like it happens all the time. I think they should double cup. I was SOOOOOO embarassed.
But I wore my red gingham top with my red gingham shoes and jeans. Not quite the western look but I was supposed to go to a picnic on the way home (cancelled due to gale force winds and rain). One of the techs actually noticed the match.
I know you are supposed to take good care of your le arm but...... I seem to have a lovely tan. It is reacting just like the other arm. And with late winter I may still have some tan left for Florida.
I am just going to act like I am going and hope it happens. My sister has offered me my flight money. And if my friend all help its a go. Maybe someone could share my suite and help with costs. It would be horrible if I got there with no money in my wallet. LOL No food, no gifts. I read people paint sand dollars. It would be nice to get some of those for Christmas gifts.
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Mary, I am a Tampon and I live South of Gandy - so I am a SOG too! No one told me that was bad until after we bought the house! The area has really improved and there are Million Dollar homes at the end of the street (not my end mind you), but nice waterfront. A really good bar at Rattlesnake Cove too. Yes, we can stagger home, if necessary. A lot has changed in the ten years we've lived here. I bet you miss Frenchy's! My father was born in Michigan and I love Traverse City, Grand Haven and Mackinaw Island. However, the boy is from Canada and he keeps moving us further south!
I feel your pain - try acupuncture or even acupressure, it really is working - I hurt like hell the night of treatment, but it is so much better the next day. I thought I was being a wussy until I found that website. Unreal.
I saw my GP yesterday and he was talking about a new drug that will work in the intestines to help diabetics, it will shut down hunger pains too! I'm all for that and it will be submitted to the FDA soon. Diabetes is a horrible disease and they will probably cure it before they cure us (more men are afflicted with diabetes than BC). But, if it will stop the hunger caused by antidepressants, I'm there!
Thanks for being here, you guys are becoming my sanity.
Love to all,
K
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Anyone know anything about the markers they leave where the boob used to be !! ?
I had double mast. 6 yrs ago. have had 2 chest Xrays since, 1 just nothing, 1 pneumonia. Both time Radiologists asked me did I know there was 'something small and oval' in my chest. Well. I didn't, can't imagine why they didn't seem to know what it was. My GP 'wasn't sure', and my Onc, who didn't do the op. said she would have a look at my films, and let me know....that was 4 years ago ! Fantastic service here in UK.
I have had bad back pain since last October, have asked my GP 4 times about it, had an Xray last Jan, all clear, but still in pain. I got fobbed off each time I mentioned it again, was all but told I was making a fuss about nothing.......I sorta lost it 3 weeks ago, threw a hissy fit, and was at the physios a week later. On my second visit to her today she is mentioning CT scan, asked if I had any metal in my body, and as no-one has been able to answer my query about the marker, does anyone here know if these markers are metal or plastic ? I don't think its very big, either a quarter or a half inch I would think from what I remember reading on the internet 4 years ago., but as no-one has bothered to enlighten me then physio says if its metal no CT scan. I cannot get an appointment with my GP for 11 days, as its a holiday w/end coming up. (7-9 days is my normal wait) and the physio is 'trying to get me in before the holidays' and is expecting an answer from me before I go for the CT.
Don't ever try and copy our National Health Service in your up coming re-vamp, I have had nothing but trouble for the last six and a half years. I think they must be told to hold back on care once you reach 55, so we will drop down dead ! The doctors we have are all very good actually, its just that they seem to be tied down with restrictions, drug rationing, equipment rationing and rules. I have given up trying to reach my surgeon and onc, even tho' they both said contact at any time you need to.
I think our summer, such as it was, is coming to an end. I have the heating back on again, and the sun umbrella blew across the garden today, so it's inside with that, and the furniture, tomorrow.
Isabella.
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Hi everyone...some good rants and funny stories...no notes, been on the computer all day and my bad arm is killing me again, but you all made me laugh again...as always!
Isabella, it's so good to see you pop on! How are you doing these days? Is your back better now?
Barbe...you give the best rant
I have a memorial to go to tomorrow. It's for a girl I used to work with who had trasferred out of state. She was diagnosed with colon cancer last year and over the months we've chatted and (i though) encouraged each other through our treatments. Well, it turns out she's been terminal all along and just never told anyone. It was a huge shock to those of us up here when she passed because we had no idea how far along she was. I was pissed for about a half a second, but when I really thought about it, I get it. I'm hoping the focus stays on her tomorrow. I haven't seem most of these people since before I was diagnosed and I really don't want to get into the whole "how are you doing" thing just because I had cancer too. I don't mean that to sound as crass as it does...but you know what I mean.
I'm thinking a hot cup of tea and curling up with a book is just the kind of evening I need
HUGS to all...I hope it's a beautiful stress free weekend for the lot of us!
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I figured out that I am eating one meal a day.
I bought a clubhouse sandwich, ate half. Had veggies and dip for dinner. Thats it.
Ate more yesterday but I was not at home. I eat at the hospital due to boredom.... and my friend makes me.
It is a wonder I am not losing weight. But most days last week, I did nothing at all.
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Isabella, the markers are titanium (I think), they allegedly place them for the surgeon, as well as a guide for radiation. I don't know if mine are still there are not - double mastectomy! As I have been ranting about - your pain is a result of T1-2 nerve damage! Go to Cancerlynx.com and put in "nerve regeneration" pain. You will find you are not crazy. Acupuncture has worked for me, I've had five or six treatments so far. I was blessed to have contracted MRSA during my initial surgery, so my sternum is really, horribly messed up - the lat flap on the back isn't too pretty either. My mother told me it looked like they dug out a section of my back with a spoon! Thanks mom. However, I will have the scar rescission procedure and hopefully gain my strength back.
As far as our health care system, girl, you can't believe the hell I've gone through and I have GREAT insurance, I just wish it was as good as my Congressman's! We will never have your type of system, the insurance lobby and Big Pharm have way too much power.
Good luck with the back.
Navygirl, I understand your buddy, my friend is living on borrowed time and we're finally trying to come to grips that she really is dying. She is the ultimate fighter, I wish they would try stem cell on her - she's alive today because of experimental treatment. She has a hell of a sense of humor and has gone through way too much pain and agony. She has to have the lining of her lungs aspirated every week, can you imagine that pain? She can barely breathe and it is now in her spine. Again, I feel guilty that I bitch about the MRSA factor and the hell care in Florida. I just hope she comes back to haunt us! I'd love it if she did. In my really dark days last year my nephew came and hugged me - I was wide awake and felt a very firm, loving hug. I just knew it was him. I believe our energy survives and I hope you are comforted by that.
Hugs to you too,
K
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Speaking of insurance - I am on COBRA from my last employer. It is a HMO. Not like Kaiser but get this - my primary care physician could send me to 10 specialists and each of them can order 10 tests and my primary care has to write all the orders (in this case, 100)!
K - I had MRSA in my diabetic foot ulcer. IV antibiotics for 5 weeks.
I don't know if I have markers either but I would think with a bilateral mastectomy everything would go. I do have a titanium shoulder.
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The markers shouldn't matter for a CT scan, it is the MRI that causes issues with metal. In spite of that, I was able to have an MRI between my biopsy and mastectomy, and the marker was definitely in place for that test. The surgeon who placed the marker ordered the MRI, and I specifically asked her, the nurse navigator, and the technician running the MRI to make sure that they all agreed that it was safe.
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Hi everyone! I have not yet posted on this thread, but enjoy all of you very much. I relate so much to the anger, depression, etc. It has been the year from hell, I got so depressed I wanted to die, and now I am doing better! Thanks to all the wonderful women on this site. Sisters! I am a psychologist and I know all about depression, but like bc, until you go thru it, you never REALLY know. Good wishes and blessings on all of us!
Ellen
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NED NED NED NED!!!!! My PET scan showed NOTHING!!! BTW, when I just had the CT scan the other day, the surgical clips were in place...mine aren't metal
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Jane M, Thank you for sharing this wonderful news with us! Yay for you!
Ellen
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Oh Jane! You must be on cloud B9! You done good! 0
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Lovemy...welcome, thanks for making your presence known! Feel free to join us anytime.
PatMom...Long time no see? Or is my memory failing me? How are you?
Jane...DEFINATELY CONGRATULATIONS!!! That's the best and I can't think of a better way to start off the weekend. I'm so happy for you!
Barbe - Top of the Morning to you! Glad to see I'm not the only early riser on the weekend!
Shout out to Lisa and Traci!! I hope you ladies are doing well...we love you and miss you and hope life is being good to you!
I'm off to google - I need to know when I should be trimming my azelea's and I have to find the place where the memorial is today...enjoy your weekend ladies!
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I read here all the time, it's just that I don't seem to have as many things to complain about lately, so I tend to post on other threads. That's a good thing isn't it?
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Oh Pat, you'll find TONS to post about it you stick around here long enough! 0
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I have my first donation towards Florida. My dear dear sister is sending me $100. That is the equivalent of one night in the condo. I wonder if someone would share. Willing to sleep on floor if necessary. I simply have to, have to GO. Is that so very selfish?
I love my half sister. This is a blessing from her. She has cerebral palsy and rarely has money to spend. Her adoptive father passed away and left the 3 sisters (of which I am not one) a small inheritence.
I dont know where the rest of the money is coming from, but I do have faith that things will come together, one way or another.
I am waiting to find out if we have to pay my daughters tuition. Last year Dave's boss paid in lieu of a raise. This year he wants her working the store every Saturday as eye candy. There are already 3 employees on Sat and they have very little to do. If we have to pay, we are screwed until January or later. But anything that comes in for the trip is for the trip.
When I went to Vegas my ever-loving hubby contributed NOTHING. It was all friends. Well I have a few relatives added to the mix. I think this will be my last vacation. Just feel it with the FROG increasing to being able to get lost while travelling in a straight line.
Has anyone noticed that getting into this site takes an extra step?
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Dear Dreamwriter, What's the Florida trip about? I can send a little
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K and Patmom, many thanx for your thoughts on the markers. They could be made of jelly beans for all my medics seem to know. If I rant at them I get a bad name, if I ask questions I get a bad name, if I just shut up, give them a flash and go home I seem to be the perfect patient.
But, that isn't me....my father once said of me 'you always want to know the far end of the f**t and where the stink comes from !! True, quite true.
Navy, Hi back to you. Hope your funeral went as good as a funeral can go, if you know what I mean. I hate these gatherings. My family are instructed NO funeral, straight into the oven for me. Unless of course I can persuade DH to agree to me being buried in my garden. It actually IS my garden, not his, but he thinks its weird of me to want to end up in one of my most favorite places in the world, and says he doesn't fancy me out there watching him !!!!! Watching him ?? I shall be haunting him !
Isabella.
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Jane!!!! Excellent news!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just love hearing about NED making his rounds with the ladies!!!!
Dream -- I know exactly how you feel -- just having to get away. I have a tropical beach on my mind and I will get to it, hopefully this winter once I have a few bucks. As far as I'm concerned, it's part of my treatment plan.
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Its a get together of Breast Cancer Org chatters. I went last year to Vegas. This year I could put my feet in the ocean.... something I never thought I could do. Are you coming too lovemyfamilysomuch?
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dream - please pm me your address
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