Exchange City
Comments
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Hey girls...my exchange is coming up May 7...I saw my name said before Mid-May and my appointment is set. I can't wait to these expanders out! Good luck to all of you!
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Deb I'm thinking the same thing. I did make a post on the pix forum asking other gals if they know of small implants I could look at. Debbie was on the way to watch her daughters dance routine. Than Monday she's taking off for a well needed vacation. I'm not sure if she realizes she'll have less projection with the mod plus.
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kmmd I sure hope that sunshine can come in your house also
I think we all go through a few bad days and weeks like that
don't let it get you down, just try to keep your chin up
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Kmmd,
I think it is really common to for things to hit you emotionally at this point. I was more emotional after my first exchange than I was on my mastectomy. I think I before there was always something else to focus on, getting the fills, the anticipation of getting those hard expanders out ect. Now that is all done the emotions can start to come to the surface. Also there is just going through another surgery and the effects it has on the body.
So please know that you are not alone, it will get better....
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Kmmd... So sorry ...:(... I kinda get you though. I have not had exchange though. First the hard chemo.. then the TE.. then rads( me)... and now I wait for exchange. When it comes time for exchange.. it is over for me. No more Herceptin at that point either. I do not like my TE, but I know the implants will be better. I can see a sadness at that point. The implants will not be me. They will be hopefully an improvement.. but not me... the old me. I even did a photo shoot of the old me... bald.. skinny... but with my breast tissue...it is kinda eery...
Girl.. I am not sure I explained that very well at all... so maybe it is hard for you to tell dh all this. In a way he'll get. He wants you back.. the old you.. and for him.. you finished the last part.. you're done.. for you.. a whole new you is starting not finishing......
We're here.....
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kmmd--I just read your post, then read it to my DH, and he said that sounds exactly like us! So much of how we feel is because for everyone else, it's over after the exchange surgery, but for us, it's just beginning. I never want to hear "The important thing is that you're alive" again. We find ourselves picking at each other for very little reason. We just celebrated our 40th anniversary, and everyone thinks we're the couple of the century, and most of the time, we think that too.
Sometimes you just need to bite your tongue and realize he's doing the best he can to deal with all this. Thank God we have places like this one, where we can agonize over every little detail of our recovery withut judgment. Of course, we need our partners most of all, but we also need to learn a new level of understanding.
Wishing you warmer days ahead, inside and out, Suzie
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kmmd: Absolutely I know what you mean! I had no emotional issues with the mastectomies - beyond being so anxious to get rid of that cancerous breast tissue. I was fine emotionally. I was an anxious ninny about the exchange surgery. And afterward? Well, I don't think that I have looked at my breasts in the past thirty years as many times as I have looked at them the past month - agonizing over every little ripple or imagined ripple.
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kmmd, I have to agree, I was way more emotional after my exchange than after my MX, actually it was like 3 weeks after exchange when I felt worse emotionally than any other time, I am almost 8 weeks out now and feeling great! So hang in there it does get better!
I have to tell you girls, last night I lay on my tummy!! first time since MX last Oct, I cried! I felt like an idiot, but it was sooo emotional to me for some reason!
Peace out sisters, love you all and think of you always!
oh! forgot to say I do have the moderate profile implants Style 15 they are 659cc's, I thought after exchange that higher profile may have been better, but now I really like them, they have "dropped and fluffed" somewhat, I think on me, high profile would have looked a little cartoonish! These looked totally real to me, and to be honest the thought of yet another surgery doesn't appeal to me at all!
Lorraine ox
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Lorraine--Great to hear we can be on our stomachs again, another delight to look forward too! I'm so tired of sleeping on my back some nights I could just scream. I remember the first few weeks after mx it would take me as long as an hour to find a comfortable position with pillows, etc. and no sooner would I think I could finally go to sleep--I'd need to go to the bathroom. One night I just cried, it seemed so unfair, with all that was going on, I couldn't even get comfortable and stay that way for a few hours.
Kmmd. I have no partner during this, he misplaced himself, by ditching. He didn't come to the hospital, but called me every day, was here three days before my mx, but didn't come see me until January (my surgery was Nov. 17th). We fought on the phone almost every day--this man hadn't raised his voice to me in 14 years--once I got diagnosed he yelled at me all the time. It has been very hard, but I had to realize that he was too terrified to deal with it. We still talk, but don't see each other. I needed him to be there and he wasn't. I hope for a stronger man in my future.
What is my point? Everyone has a different threshold, this guy didn't want to see me until I didn't look wrung out. Your DH has been by your side--even if he didn't know what to do for you. All the males in our lives are probably at a complete loss as to what to do. They barely understand us on a day to day basis. I'm sorry that you and your DH are frosty right now, but I'm sure you are doing the best you can, and that he is doing that as well. Sometimes we just don't meet up with our intentions and it may be best to find kindness in your heart towards yourself, you may not recognize yourself, but you are in there. You've come this far, so you must be courageous. I can't speak for him, but I bet he loves you a whole bunch and has found it hard and scary to watch all the things you've endured. Most men don't know how to explain the feelings generated by crisis. I hope that gentle conversations will help you to each understand where the other is coming from, and soon it will be spring in your house.
As far as clothing, if you can afford to try shopping online and try things on in your own home, quietly without glaring lights and sales people watching. Find a few fav stores and order a some things, what doesn't work, return, what does, enjoy. It isn't as immediately satisfying, but I've found it to be less stressful, and for me that has helped with the few things I have purchased since mx. It is what I intend to do after my exchange. Me and my body alone, figuring out what works.
Karen
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Mela4409 - Congratulations on getting a date for your exchange!!
Laura - I am so very sorry your oncologist is going to Yale. They are a client of mine and a great hospital, but I know the the relationship w/ your oncologist is very special. That will be hard to replace.
Kmmd - Interesting question. The BMx is SO much harder than the exchange. And the exchange is such a pleasant change, but the emotions are totally different. As Deborah once said, this is IT. And now we need to get used to our new bodies. I love my implants, but somedays I wonder who I am and what I look like. I think it will settle in over time, but I am still getting used to the new me.
Lorraine - I am with you on the stomach sleeping - I have moved to my stomach since the night of my exchange. Wow - it feels fantastic! Sometimes I just lay in bed and smile, I am so relieved to be back to my stomach again!
Coffee - I also have style 20 and so far I am happy w/ them. I seem kind of big to me, but my dh tells me that it is not obvious to anyone but the two of us. And they are just so soft!!
Sorry for the hands over my face. We don't take many pictures. In this picture I am trying to hold on to my glasses on a ferry, but the wind is howling. Perhaps someday I will find another that doesn't have my hands over my face. LOL.
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Coffee: I will likely have my 410(s) exchanged in the fall, so no dent at the top? Do they make a soft gel that mimics the shape of the 410? I like the shape, not the hardness, though I am hoping that since I did a one stage without expanders that the chest muscle will stretch more and it wont feel so hard.
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Hi Bigapple09,
No dent in this round implant. As far as I know the teardrop doesn't come in the softer gel, only the cohesive gel (gummy bears). I had my 410 for 8 months and they didn't really soften up. The round shape is a better match for me but most important is that they are more comfortable and I don't feel like I am leaning on crutch.
Wow, I didn't know they would do a one step with the 410. Ask your PS to see a style 20 and a 410 together and feel the difference. I know they are firmer under the muscle but my new one real does squish like my real one.
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OK, I got the picture posted! Thanks Sandy! I found one on the computer from 3 weeks after I was diagnosed, but before the MX. Well reading the posts today gave me a chance to have a good cathartic cry.
KMMD I recognized myself in all the things that were written about the emotional part of your reaction to the exchange. Your post made me cry, but now am aware that the exchange doesn't mean that everything is all better. This discussion opened up a pent up house of emotions that allowed me to share with my DH this evening. We are very open about the emotions that we have been through during the past 6 months, but your post encouraged me to not keep the stuff all bottled up until I feel overwhelmed. I am glad to know that I am not alone in feeling like I am on a roller coaster.
KEW You are an amazing Grace! Your posting made me feel so much better, you are a very wise woman with sensitivity and courage. Here is to finding a true MAN in your life, that comes whole; not in need of a woman to complete him!
Jaimieh, wow, your insurance runs from Oct-Oct, that is different, thank goodness that you got it straightened out. This is the stuff that can push you over the edge. I don't have the patience to go back over and over to get things straightened out. I am still waiting for the hospital bill from 12-29-08, I was in 30 hours, (overnight) the hospital billed $51,000. This doesn't include any Surgeon, Pathologist, or Anesthesiologist. The insurance paid just under $15,000 in January. I have been waiting for the 20% to 30% co-pay bill, it has been 3 months, no bill. Thank goodness I have insurance, without it, I would have to sell the house.
Jan
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Jan, I truly appreciate your kind words. It has been very difficult to be diagnosed, have the mx, SE from Tam, and upcoming hyster/ooph, I feel that everything that makes me a woman biologically is or will be gone, and to find out that he couldn't deal with it, makes me wonder what is ahead. I hope someone will be brave.
My hospital bill was 43,000.00 and didn't include surgeons, etc. My insurance paid 24,000.00, and I'm not responsible for the balance. Since my hospital was in network my insurance paid their agreed rate. Maybe you have yet to receive a bill because you have a 0 balance. 3 months is a long time not to get a bill, most of my bills have shown up within a week of service--stating they've billed insurance, then I get an EOB from my insurance company and it tells me if I need to pay anything. I have insurance, but had to take out the equity in my car (I don't own a house) to pay for my portion of last year's bills and what is being generated this year. When I'm done, I will have paid on my 2004 Toyota Corolla for 9 1/2 years. I didn't know what else to do, I hated having all of the bills lingering. I had been hoping to buy a house this year, but that isn't going to happen.
I'm glad you and DH had a good talk.
Night ladies,
Karen
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Karen, you have been through so much, more than I think I could have endured. I appreciate you being candid about the stuff you have gone through, It is so good knowing that this group of women sticks together and gives the reassurances that are so needed in times of fear and doubt. Jan
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Thank you all of you for your support on a much needed day. To know I wasn't alone and crazy helped. I think I was so focused on getting that hard uncomfortable thing off of my chest the rest didn't register. I just did not see the emotional side of this coming, I'm usually a little more in tune to myself then this, and being so off in that regard didn't help either. DH and I talked a little, we're working on it. Karen, I don't know what to say. I appreciate you opening up so much to help me when I needed it. And you're right, I was due for a reminder of how much he has been by my side. I sincerely hope that brave man who deserves you finds you.
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I am just on here catching up after being gone a few days...I AM A GRAMMY! Step-daughter gave birth to our precious little Brianna early AM of the 25th. We are ECSTATIC with the arrival of our first grandchild.
Karen, God bless you for having the strength to share what you are going through. This is all so hard on us and the people we care about and care for us. As in everything, some are always stronger that others and it is impossible to know the stuff we are made of until we are really challenged. I pray for healing and support for you, my dear. You are an incredibly strong woman, and one way or another you will find the support and strength you deserve.
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OcRN---Congrats on the new grand baby, oh what great snuggles you have ahead!
I thank everyone for their words of support. I think each of us has a story and we should share as much as we are comfortable with. For me, since the moment I was diagnosed I've talked with anyone who would listen, mostly to demystify breast cancer, or cancer in general, and also to help give those who have not yet been touched by cancer in their lives better understanding of the enormous physical, emotional, personal, spiritual, and financial vulnerability cancer brings to the patient and their loved ones. My workplace has been a challenge, since I didn't have chemo and have TE's, from the day I returned everyone expected me to be the exact same as I was before. I've mentioned this before on the boards. I've worked really had to educate my Center about how to consider those with chronic illness, cancer, lupus, ms, etc. I've also found that when I talk people sometimes come forward and share their experiences, often things they've been holding inside.
Anyway, there have been many challenges since being diagnosed, but I feel lucky with how things are going, my boys are great, I seem to be doing OK, still have a job and insurance, have a fun new puppy, My mom died of breast cancer when she was 58, I was diagnosed at 48, but determined to have a different outcome, and to celebrate my 59th birthday and beyond. It is very motivating. Some days are overwhelming and I wish I could retreat for about a year to think, heal, gain confidence, but I haven't found that Pot of Gold that would allow me to do that! So, I do what each of us is doing, move forward.
Monday evening I'm going to a training offered by Komen in Portland. I will become part of their Speakers Bureau, I'm looking forward to it very much and hope to make a positive contribution. It feels like it will be a good investment of my time since my work no longer feels as personally satisfying as it once was.
Karenp62 and Lisamed123--this is your week! I wish you speedy recoveries!
Best to all,
Karen
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OncRN - Major congratulations. You must be so thrilled!!
Karen - I don't know you, but from your posts I would say that you would be a wonderful addition to Komen's speakers. Best wishes to you on your endevour!
Karen62 and Lisamed123 - Best wishes for wonderful surgeries and softness this week.
My work takes me out of town most of this week. I will not be on as much as usual, but want to send hugs to all my friends on this thread! Take care. And I agree, I miss Psalmist and LadyRedLocks too. Hope all is well w/ them both!
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Congratulations OncRN on the new Grandbaby. I have two grandsons, 3 and 20 months and they are the light of my life. I just wish they lived on the west coast, so I could see them more that 2 or 3 times a year.
Karen, Komen is going to be strengthened by your talents of communicating the path of BC. Get the word out. I don't hide that it has touched my life, I have talked to women that have never had a mammogram because they don't have a hx of BC, or don't have a lump. I never had a lump, if I had waited for a lump, my outcome would have been different.
Jan
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OK....Jan, you inspired me! I'm going to try to get a pic for me posted, too! I'm such a computer weenie........
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Yea! Horrible picture, but I never have my pic made by myself.....had to actually crop out my dh!
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4/27 - Karenp62 - Exchange surgery
5/1 - Lisamed123 - Exchange surgery to silicone
Karenp62 and Lisamed123: congratulations and good luck with surgery this week
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Hi everybody. I see mentioned all these photos. Where the heck do I find photos? I'm 3 weeks out from my exchange. Feel much better but now it's the nips. Question for ya-all. Did most of you get nips and the tatoo? Geez I hate going through another cutting.
Thanks....hope everybody is moving life forward. Afterall, going back through what we've all gone through would be me in my grave for sure.
mary
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Here's a question for those that are fully recovered from their exchange surgeries: Does that "achy boob" feeling ever go away when you first wake up in the morning? You know the one where you get out of bed and they just feel so heavy for a little while? I had that with the TE but was hoping that would go away with the implants.
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Val61, you look great, I don't often have pictures of me alone either. My daughter took that one, It was a sad Thanksgiving, my recent dx, my Sister in laws Mom passed away the day before. We all had a lot to be thankful for so I can't complain. I posted the picture myself, but had the DH right there talking me through it. I have a problem making a thumbnail out of a picture so I can upload it. It doesn't help that once I have it figured out, my DH changes programs and settings.
Happiness and peace to those going through the exchange next week, keeping you in warmest thoughts. Jan
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Mary, send a private message to Timtam (that's her username) to ask for access to the photo site. It's a totally separate site from bc.org.
Sue, i'm 6 months post-exchange, and I don't have the achy boob feeling in the morning (never really did), but I always had it at night and I still do. It's like after being up all day they just get heavier and heavier! But morning is always good for me.
Sheila
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Today I was at lunch with 2 wonderful ladies from Mi that are here on the forums and we were talking and I told them that my ps is planning on giving me nips and the exchange at the same time...I have heard about the dropping and the nips moving should I be concerned and what should I do??? do you think that they will move with the fluff or when the exchanges settle down.? or dear I am concerned now...what to do...what to do?... please give me insite....all you knowledgable ones please tell...
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KMMD
My guy who really has been stand up since Jan 7 when the latest BC issues came up, cleaning my drains, going to doctor appointments etc. began to be very impatient with me and my emotional healing time, last Saturday, about five weeks post surgery. He actually said he was suprised about how long it is taking me to move forward since he thinks I look great.
Thankfully I was well rested in a patient mood, I let him finish his soliloquy and then i calmly went into the other room. A few minutes later he came in and apologized and we talked.
I explained to him that I am a woman and I grew up in a woman's body and that my feelings on the change to my body are not something he can understand because he is a man, and that is ok, but what I need him to understand is that it is more than vanity, and that even if the outside looks fine, that there are parts of me that he can't see that need time to heal. I let him know that I am so grateful that my pathology is clean and that things turned out as well as they did and how much I appreciated his support and I understand that he needs things to move in a set direction because it is all fixed, but that I will have my moments and I just need him to be there. I explained to him that most people take time and shared with him what my therapist at the cancer center said about being so impressed with the resumption of our life together and the intimate side of our relationship and it really seemed to make him feel better. Also now when I feel the need to talk about something related to healing or cancer, i explain to him why I need to talk about it or why my mind has wandered there, seems to be helping.
Also I forwarded him the next to links under the guise that they are for a friend of his who is not dealing well with his wife's cancer.
http://health.usnews.com/usnews/health/articles/041011/11husbands_6.htm
http://health.usnews.com/usnews/health/articles/041011/11husbands.b2.htm
I'm sure there are others, maybe you can have a friend send them to your DH, that way it is coming from someone other than you.
Good luck, it is definitely easier when all the members of your team are rallied with you.
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Sue - I have the achy boob feeling in the morning too. I haven't had my exchange yet. I just feels like a weight has been laying on my chest. I think it seems worse when I've had a restful sleep and haven't been tossing and turning.
You ladies have all been saying exactly what I too have been feeling. This past Friday and Saturday night we were out with different groups of friends, some that I haven't seen since my mx. I thought if one more person said how great I looked and how lucky I was that things weren't worse I was going to scream. I KNOW THAT THIS IS THE TRUTH but sometimes you don't want or need to hear it again. Nobody but us really understands that we are never going to get back to normal no matter how much time goes by. I think that because I vent on this forum and not so much to the people around me that they think I'm better!!! What the h*ll is better??? It is never going to be better...just a new kind of different... Okay...I'm better now...no more venting..
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