The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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As one of my dearest friends always says, "you can fix many things but you can't fix stupid."
I did have one friend who just kept telling me about everyone she knew who had cancer and it was bringing her down. What?? We are sorry that our diagnosis is bothering you.
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lost my breasts and think I am losing my mind ... dumb things said to me; my older sister said she hurts so much for me, she can't talk to me. younger sister said eat organic food, and I cause my cancer because I took hormone replacement.... yea and I missed a mammogram too.. I just gave myself stage IV cancer. 8 aunts, 45 cousins and no cancer, I thought I was safe but my younger sister (stage0-1) and I were diagnosed a week apart and both had bi-mas. ..... some people are just dumb and don't know what to say and what they say doesn't matter because i cant waste my engery on their words... i need to learn to live my life better
I have some very caring things said to me tooo .. especially all the people in health care they are soooo nice0 -
Love this thread. Blessings to each of you dealing with this journey and with some people who just don't get it. And I'm counting my blessings that I'm not married to Tony. Yes please, I'll buy a tshirt.
The day after my pbm, a student nurse came in to give me a flu shot. As she stood over me with needle in hand, she said, "You know, your shoulder is going to be *really* sore for the next couple of days". I also have a very dear friend, who, after I told her how much weight I'd lost, said, "Oh shut up, I am so envious!" Um, wanna switch places?
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love the I'm glad I'm not married to Tony. LMAO! Trying to think of some one-liners. Unfortunately, can't think of any off the top of my head.
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I would like to know how many times you've been asked if you had tried Rogaine for hair loss??!!
That one always makes me roll my eyes. : )
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I guess as many of you pointed out, these comments are hurtful and spiteful no matter who the source. Some (not all) are deliberate and meant to be discouraging and disheartening to those of us fighting this battle. However, I won't give MIL the satisfaction of knowing she is upsetting me because I believe that is exactly what she wants. This is some kind of weird enertainment for her but enough is enough already.
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{{cp418}} Sorry you have to continually deal with a MIL like that. I agree with a previous poster who said toss the question back at her: Why do you ask? Just because someone asks a question, doesn't mean you have to answer. I'd say it loudly enough for everyone around to hear, and follow it up with something like, (smiling sweetly) "Oh Name, how sweet of you to ask, but this is a party and I'm taking a break from discussing anything medical", or "I'm sure you can understand if I really don't feel like discussing it today". Just a few thoughts, hope it helps somewhat...
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cp418 We do not live near my MIL, thank God. I've been married to her son for 36 years. She started all that in the beginning, but I don't talk to her. She is my DH's mother. Mine is dead and she was a sister survivor. I have my wonderful DH talk to her and he only provides limited info. I agree with the others that you don't have to answer questions, but you also don't have to go to parties where she will be. Toxic people (relative or no) really have no place in our lives while we try to deal with everything and get our lives back.
My DH is the true love of my life, and thank God I'm not married to Tony. Will buy the shirt.
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cp418, when you MIL asks a question you don't want to answer, how about saying, "You know, it could be worse. I could be married to Tony." Smile brightly at her and walk off. If you've got a family member named Tony, use a different name. She may decide you've gone crazy, but if you keep saying the same thing you'l have the pleaseure of seeing her go mad trying to figure it out, and, if you are crazy, you can't be insulting to her. Another possibilty, I don't remembere where I read this one, is "Why do you suppose anyone would ask a question like that at a party?" It'll either confuse her or distract her off onto a conversational tangent.
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Hey there, Im new to this post it caught my eye and made me laugh cuz those are things that most of us have heard. I always try to think of it the opposit way around, if it was me making the comment to someone. I have indeed puy my foot in my mouth more than I want to admit. And if you tell anyone I will deny it!! LOL.
people get nervous and jerkey when theyre around you, they dont know what to say. They really dont have to say ANYTHING!! I like a hug now and then and thats all that is neesesary, no words, no stupid words! My favorite now is, if you need anything, anything please dont be afraid to ask. Yea can you come over tomorrow and clean the bathroom, oh and I would Love it if you can scoop the poop up in the back yard, I havent been able to get to it!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO.
Its not stupid but hurtful, and selfish, I have been struggling with my decision to have Radiation to my left breast, I already have an implant and they dont do well with Radiation, or......have it or both removed and reconstructed. I have been researching, reading, talking to friends, & family on the phone. My BF says he his with me all the way and will back me for any decision, WE are a team, WE will get through this. First of all thanx, I apreciate the thought but I have the cancer in my boobie you dont have boobies you could not ever understand. I have to have my breast cooked loke a baked potato in the microwave!! But he had the nerve to ask me last night if we could have a break, just one night to relax and not talk about the cancer, you have gone over this and talked it to death, you keep repeating the same thing, your only reading bad things on the comp. and in books, listen to the Dr's thats what they do, they know what they are talkin about. He said I am overwhelmed with information, you know I cant process too much info at one time. Your telling me too many different things. What is the bottom line. make your desission and then tell the Dr thats what you want her to do. He unplugged the comp. and tried to grab it off my lap, he said enuff already i cant hear anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG i wont even tell you what I said to him. But the first thing was, I am verry sorry I went and got Breast Cancer and F-ed up your quiet time sitting there looking at car magazines and motorcycle magazines with all the 18 year old little naked girls layin their freshly augmented tittys all over the the Motorcycles that have nothing to do with the mag. or article itself. Im tryin to look at the beautiful paint job on it and I cant because the little girl is sprawled across it naked with hear butt in the air and boobies layin over the gas tank and her face all painted and her tung hangin out like shes eatin a popsicle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol lol lol I never used to feel like that and Im sorry I do now but my medical decission is very importan right now. am I wrong??
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Try to kill the toxic MIL with kindness, say thank you I appreciate your concern,but today/ tonight is about ______, so how about I call you soon and we can talk all about it. Then exit stage left.
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is his name Tony??
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cp418,
What you could do is claim that chemo has made you forgetful, then go into a blank stare, and then say, what were we talking about?
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Well now im glad im not married to Tony and that my daughters wont marry MOMOBs son and i havnt got CP401 mother in law lol
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Motherdearest - you are not wrong, your medical decisions are very important right now. {{hugs}}
All - question - other than my DH, I have told six people about my dx/tx and three have asked how's (not Tony) doing. That's half of a very small sample. For those who've told more people: do you get asked this question? It's maybe not dumb but kinda weird. If I'd had a heart attack would people ask how's (not Tony) doing?
Edited to add, tx is bmx so there's an inkling of breasts as property, maybe that's what's bugging me about the question...
Diagnosis: 12/22/2009, IDC, <1cm, Stage I, Grade 1, ER+/PR+, HER2-0 -
That's brilliant BigApple! Another tactic would be a vague answer and turn the subject to something that's near and dear to your MIL -- people ultimately like talking about themselves the most.
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Or you can be up front with her and when she asks you prying questions say very nicely that ''its all a bit personal and you just don't feel comfortable talking about it ''
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Bigapple: I like your response...I actually said something similar at a graduation party this summer: "Oh, that's not a conversation for a party! Let's talk about something more pleasant." Then go get some cake. I also like the chemo brain excuse--very creative!
Groundhog: I've had people say, "Oh, and how's your mother taking it?" My mother?? Huh? But I've also gotten the "How's your husband (NOT Tony) doing?" I guess it is nice that they realize my illness has an impact on other people. But it is kind of weird.
Motherdearest: You are absolutely right. Your medical condition is THE most important thing right now. He can look at the stupid magazines later (if you don't burn them first). How nice that HE wants to take a break from all the breast cancer talk--wouldn't we ALL like to take a break from that?...but the fact is, we are trying to make the best, most informed decisions we can. We CANNOT take a break from it or let someone else decide what is right for us. What a bonehead. Tell him that if he is part of your team, he needs to learn the rules of the game. And the rules are determined by you. What is his name? Do we have to start making t-shirts that say, "I may have cancer, but at least I'm not married to ________(insert his name here)"?!! LOL
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groundhog....I think that people at some point asked how my hubby was doing...BC does affect the whole family and my hubby was my care taker through all my Tx. I do ask how the spouse or child is doing when someone is very ill....but only after I ask about them.
Dee - your feelings are your feelings....and if you need to talk through all the options/decisions then do it....my husband is one who searches things on the internet, so he was looking at the computer probably more than I did....I think he is the one who found bco for me... we were so busy the month that I was dx going from dr appt to dr appt, that Bc was the only thing going on in our lives....sorry that you had to join this club. I have implants and had rads with my expanders in...it does make recon harder, bugt mine are doing okay (well after a couple revisions). good luck in making the right decision for you.
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Well hopefully I will get through this event and she will be distracted by other conversations. We do not have contact or speak to each other outside these forced family events. She basically wants information so she can gossip to her relatives to compare cancer details. This is a self centered individual who was diagnosed 2 years after me with stage 1 bc. She point blank told me that her cancer was better than my cancer because I had the positive node - remember. Duh.... how could I forget.
This time when if she starts in on me I will politely deflect her. I really like this comment "Oh, that's not a conversation for a party! Let's talk about something more pleasant." Then if I'm not successful and she persists, I will most certainly tell her point blank - - none of her business. If I don't speak up for myself - - no one else will. This is like one of those twisted soap operas. I've even postponed getting my hair cut so I don't get asked if I have hair problems. I will practise deep breathing until this event is over.
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Dear cp418: Can I come with you on your reuninion and kick her in the butt because I will do it!! : ) Remember there are many little sisters sitting on your shoulder cheering you on. You go girl! Jewels
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I will give a full report after the event!
Love you ladies - - thank you so much for your support!!! Hugs!!
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Ok,I have one more from my former SO:
A week after the surgery, I am rubbing his back lightly and he jumps up like someone stuck a fork in him and yells "look I know this has not been easy on you but its been really hard on me" and walks away.
My new mantra "Thank G-d I did not actually marry him."
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Hello all,
Joanneasisat, you gave me a good chuckle! Yes, thank goodness, indeed! At least I
have a wonderful X-daughter-in-law and 2 smart, thoughtful, considerate grandsons in my
life!
Susu1976, Your comment is right on! He does think that I do all thes procedures as some
sort of "hobby"! What a dumb a$$!! I guess it's true that you can't fix 'STUPID'!!!!
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I never got the "how's (insert name here ) doing?" question since I'm single. I did get a few "Too bad you're not married, it would be really great for you to have help around the house." Since I've been fielding "why aren't you married yet?" type questions all my adult life, I didn't think too much of those comments until just now. Now I'm kind of amused--I always thought a marriage was more about a relationship with another, but apparently a husband is another name for live in housekeeper! Although there were a lot of times I dearly wished that there was someone else in the house, someone to let the dog in and out when they were doing the wrong-side-of-the-door-no-matter-what-side-I'm-on routine, or to make one meal even if it was a PBJ sandwich, or just to hear another human voice that didn't come from the TV or radio.
I have a female relative--one of my cousins kids, a teenager--who is known in the family for not putting the brain in gear before starting the mouth. She's always good for a really weird or totally inappropriate comment. At a recent family get-together she didn't dissapoint. My plans for reconstruction came up in coversation, she hadn't heard about my diagnosis, so I gave a brief synopsis of where I am and what I've had done so far. She "thought" about it for a while, then asked me how I could look like I had 2 breasts if one was taken off. I explained that I'm using a fake boob until I get reconstruction. Then she told me that I'll never "find a man" now, since I'm too old and 'damaged goods' to boot. "No man will want a woman who doesn't look sexy in a push up bra and low cut t-shirt." This, from a 14 year old, in a roomful of past menopausal women who've gone way past the push-up bra phase! There was dead silence for about 30 seconds, then she was--literally--laughed out of the room!
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While shopping the other day my DH and I ran in to an old neighbour. "It's so nice to see you", she said. "I thought you had died".
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What on earth did you say to THAT faux paux? "Sorry to disappoint"?
LMAO
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LOL, it was a couple of days ago and I still can't think of much of a reply.
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Sharon51 - how about, "Gosh, what a coincidence, I thought the same about you!"
Native - I think you really ought to put a spew warning on your posts about 14yo cousin - I about spit my tea all over my computer when I read your post of her comment... At least you can laugh at her.
A few weeks after my pbm, we had several people over for dinner. An acquaintance cornered me, nodding knowingly and said, "Can I ask why you're wearing a scarf? You're embarassed that you don't have any boobs, aren't you? You can tell me, you're embarassed, right?" I said, no, I'm wearing a scarf because I'm COLD - all my insulation is gone!
And I'm still thankful I'm not married to Tony.
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