The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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(((NM))) I'm an RN too, and I know what you mean, I had an oncology nurse say "wow since you're a nurse you know exactly how much shorter your life is gona be now, huh" Are you kidding me...?? I'm hoping for NED, and to live my normal life expectancy. Being a nurse, like anyone else, I know it's going to be an uphill battle. I'm getting all of my treatments at the hospital I work in (I've been on medical leave since my dx though). more (((NM)))) Much love, Jessica
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I try to separate the comments into 1. innocent, naive and some people speak too quickly. 2. foolish and/or malicious comments Laugh at #1 and ignore #2 I get the comment now..."I thought you were done with all of that." So many people think you had it and you got rid of it, or you had it and it got rid of you. Those people haven't had cancer yet. Don't let them get you down!
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That is what my oncologist says when we meet, "I have no bad news to report." I love it!
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There was a reason that I read 75% of this thread, because I learn something new every day. Even dealing with bc for eight years, I have made statements about a woman being too young to be dealing with bc. It certainly wasn't meant as a negative comment, it is just a comment, but I will try very hard to stop saying that in the future.
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Wow, Jessica, how insensitive. It's bad enough we eat our young, do we have to kick each other when we're down, too? Oh, well.
BTW--there's a thread for those of us who are nurses--it's not very active right now, here's a link if you're interested:
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/5/topic/721289?page=10#idx_289
AliceAnn--I try not to take seriously the hurful comments made by the naive, uninformed, meaning well folks, but there are some people who should know better (nurses, technicians, doctors, medical office receptionists) who should know better, and whom I am paying to provide compassonate and professional care. These people I have no problem correcting when they say something stupid or hurtful to me. If they're doing it to me, they're doing it to women who don't have the energy to speak up, or who are too hurt to speak up.
I get the "thought you were done with all that" comment quite often now. This one I really try to respond to gently, as it comes from lack of knowledge. I usually say something like "I wish I were all done, but I need to take this/do this to keep the bc in remission." That usually starts a discussion along the lines of "I thought you were cured" "Well, bc is never considered cured, it can come back any time." "Oh, I thought you'd be cured if it doesn't come back in 5 years." and so forth. If it's someone or sometime/place where I don't want to get into it, I just say "I was hoping to be done, too." and let them make whatever conclusions they want. When it gets too annoying/upsetting/whatever I come to this thread and vent.
My other big "hot button" is when someone, usually a nurse or doctor, refers to "YOUR cancer." That one always makes me blow up. It's not MY cancer:
1. I did not go out and buy this cancer.
2. I did not do things specifically to get this cancer.
3. I am not making any money off this cancer, you are. If it's anybody's cancer it's YOURS, you're the one making a living off it.
4. I did not ask for or go out after a disease that put me in debt, ruined my credit, necessitated 2 years of pain that no one would believe I had, let alone treat.
For some reason, the "YOUR" cancer thing just flips me out, everytime. I suppose it's not rationale, but there it is.
Sorry for the long rant and rave.
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I have had many of the same comments, especially the "you're so young". One that bothers me though, is when someone says "oh, if I were diagnosed with BC I would have a bmx immediately and be done with it". I did decide on a bmx and I struggled and agonized over this decision for quite awhile. When someone says it so flippantly, it makes me so mad.....they sound like they are deciding to get a hair cut.
When I discussing recon with a woman, she mentioned how cool to get a boob job and tummy tuck out of this. I told her I would rather pass on all of it and keep my fat tummy and saggy boobs and nipple sensation. She actually argued with me about nipple sensation! Apparently, woman with mastectemies and recon do NOT loose nipple sensation (and she is a nurse)!
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I love this thread - have read every page!! Sometimes it's not what people say but that they have no problem just staring at my chest the entire time or sneaking a peak like I don't notice this either. I feel like ripping open my shirt and saying "here - this is what a double mastectomy with implants and fake nipples looks like. Life-like - aren't they? Want to touch? I can't feel anything so go ahead." And then there's people who have known me for a long time that say "but you were always so healthy and fit". What does that have to do with getting BC? I like Lefty's reply...
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wow, such ignorance, really! aces - I dn't know what I would have done had someone posted that on my facebook page. I did get the congratulations email from a long lost friend who found out I had cancer but moreso that I was not mets. ..actually said congratulations.
here is my latest and dumbest thing said (about me, not to me).
...did she marry richly?
...i was dx w/ cancer and got married two months later. I literally got married and the following week started treatment and have been on disability ever since. Im going back to work in a few weeks and Im preparing for the very insensitive and dumb question of, 'what made you decide to buzz your hair'. Im not sure how Im going to handle this one. I may just pretend my phone is ringing and answer it while running away.
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Did some pre-op paperwork today and noticed surgery (BMX w/SNB) is characterized as "elective." HA!
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groundhog--try not to let the terminology throw you--surgery is noted as "elective" or "urgent/ emergent". Either the surgery is planned/scheduled (elective) or unscheduled/unplanned (emergent). I know "elective" sounds like we have a choice in the matter when we really don't. Just another example of the new language we all have to learn. LIke we don't have enough to do . . .
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NativeMainer - thanks for the explanation. Yes, it's a whole new language. Still doesn't seem right (OK, I still think it's dumb). "Elective mastectomy" is like jumbo shrimp or plastic glass...words that just don't go together!
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In general, like AliceAnn, I try not to take comments seriously or find offense when someone really just has a foot that fits so well in their mouth. I think alot of stuff that gets said falls into that catagory. And I think that cancer--whatever kind--is one of those things that people just don't know what to say. Lots of people are uncomfortable with saying nothing or with just saying "i'm so sorry."
All that being said, I think the one that gets me the most is the "good cancer" with references to DCIS. First off, there's a "good" cancer???????? Second off, as I haven't had surgery yet, I still don't really know if its the "good" cancer or if its the "good" cancer and something else. And I haven't had to deal with radiation---which scares me---and its just not over yet......
hugs to those dealing with insensitive boreish insurance companies. I was fortunate enough to get a manager on the phone who had actually had BC herself. She told me to get all the second opinions I wanted because it was covered and to be sure to remember that insurance covered making the girls match! It was one phone call I on this rollarcoaster that actually made me smile.
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I kept my BC a secret for a long time because I didnt want to make people feel uncomfortable and not know what to say. After a while it became too difficult to hide (2 separate diagnoses in 9 months, countless biopsies, 2 surgeries, radiation, endometrial "abnormal cells" etc, etc...and i have the "good' cancer! ). In general any time i do anything socially there is always a discussion about "how good i look, or "how bad i look", how much I weigh or dont weigh. Since when is it acceptable to evaluate my appearance as the topic for a group dinner discussion. The best comment to date was when I asked a friend to drive with me to the hospital. She waited in the reception Area while i went in for treatment. When we left she said..."I really really hate hospitals, they are soooo depressing". I said, yes I know I go there every day!!l And last but not least...it bugs me when people ask me "how are you feeling". I felt fine before all of this, I certainly didnt feel sick or imagine that would be how people think of me from now on!!! (i think my last comment is my own anger...these people are probably just trying to be nice)!
Thanks for letting me get it out
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groundhog--I heartily agree--"elective mastectomy" "elective lumpectomy" "elective biopsy" are ALL very, very STUPID terms. Even if they don't mean what they sound like, it's still a STUPID way to say it. I know the terminology and I still blew up when the lady registering me for my mastectomy said "so you're hear for an elective mastectomy?" I told her no, I did NOT choose to have my breast amputated, my body mutilated. I HAD to have it done. She did apologize, then went into the song and dance about elective vs emergent. I told her that I already knew that and it didn't change how it sounded to me. So I understand what you are feeling. "elective" is a stupid word when applied to cancer surgery, treatment, testing, etc.
3momstmamma--that's what this thread is all about--being able to say how we feel about the things that are said to us. They may be said out of ignorance or a desire to be helpful and encouraging, but still they make us feel unhappy, angry, sad, hurt, whatever. Here is the place to let that out with others who understand. I think we all try to take the comments as intended, but it's helpful to be able to rant,rave and vent about them sometimes.
If I were getting the "good cancer" remark, I'd be tempted to ask, next time the person is sick, if they have the "good cold" or the "good pneumonia" or the "good high blood pressure" and see how they react! For me it's the "when will you know you are cured?" question that drives me up the wall. When feeling waspish I answer "When I die without a recurrence or met diagnoses then I'll know I was cured." It shuts people up becuase they can't figure out if I'm serious or not.
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I have a group of friends that get together monthly, for birthdays and just all around support. When I told them (via email, I know that's bad but I just couldn't speak) one told all the others not to call or bother me! Luckily a few didn't listen. I didn't hear from a couple for 2 weeks after I told them and only because they heard I was upset. So I'm curious, actually a bit anxious what will happen with my implant exchange surgery coming up. Oh yes, these 2 somehow forgot when I had unrelated surgery a year ago. I think I need new friends!
For you that had DCIS, there is a very interesting blog someone wrote, link is on a few sites including "DCIS to invasive" .
Thanks for letting me vent, now to move on with my day!!
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I've got one that I'm still giggling about, it's just so darn pathetic. It's not really dumb, but kinda related to this thread. With this lovely disease I've gone from earning a pretty good living to tremendous debt. I've applied for disability and have to declare bankruptcy. When I was seeing the debt counsellor on Monday he said I can make payments of $xxx over 9 months and be clear. There's also the option of just ignoring my debts but that really doesn't sit well with me. Anyway...He started on how long my credit rating will be in the toilet and I interupted him, telling him I won't be around that long and why. After saying sorry and being quite nice he said he'll have to take the full amount up front, in cash or certified check, because, well, in case I'm not around for the full 9 months! It is kinda funny, in a twisted way. So now I get to hit up my Mom for that money and next months rent -- arrrrgh!!!!
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Konakat, I hope you pay that debt counselor in coins!
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Oh my sainted aunt! That's the cleanest thing I can come up with Elizabeth.
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Oh, I don't know the expression "sainted aunt". Now I'll be playing around with the words and letters, trying to make something naughty out of them!! :-)
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I was in a meeting once and someone told a big fat lie. I wanted to say, "My -ss!" but said, "Oh my Aunt Fanny" instead. Cracked up the whole room. They all knew exactly what I meant. Haven't thought of that for a while. :-)
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O.K. let me add to all of the above. I had one friend say to me "Oh, I know just how you feel". No you don't -- you weren't diagnosed with breast cancer -- I was. Then another friend, referring to my hectic, crazy, stressful lifestyle said "maybe this is God's way of stopping you so you can step back and stop with all the nonsense". No, I don't think that God would give me cancer so that I would try to live a less stressful life -- at least I hope not. And then at the total opposite end of the spectrum, one of my sisters-in-law never once called to say she was sorry to hear about my diagnosis and even when she saw me face to face she didn't offer any words of comfort or support!!!
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Weird about family - my brother called once and his wife called after 6 months. We have always been close - what is that about?? I just acted like it was normal - what are you going to do. I love the Aunt thing... I will use that.
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Too many stupid remarks. But I know most were either unintentionally hurtful or just ignorant. REally, unless you've been in this situation, it's very hard to know what to say. The people who know better know not to say too much, and to just be there when you need them. But yeah, I get "but you're so young" "but you eat so healthy/exercise/aren't even overweight" "oh you must have a family history" (this from regular doctors (derm, internal medicine...), and no I don't, at least not on my mom's side and only one person on my dad's), and...ready for this? I have had a very well-intentioned person I've known for 20 years, who called specifically to talk to me about some information he had on the types of vitamins you can take, etc. (hey I wanted to at least hear him out - only listen to your doctor of course!). He suddenly says to me, "We don't know why these things happen, but you know about karma, don't you?" Very casually said. This was 3 days after my initial diagnosis (no staging yet at that point but I'm a stage 4). I've gotten used to strange comments and take everything with a grain of salt. Even "I'm sure you'll be cured" annoys me these days. But you know I take it a day at a time!
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I had this guy at the Y come up to me and tell me that he's "native american healer" and if I would have gone to him after my diagnosis he could have healed me without the surgery and chemo!! I was devastated that someone would say that and just walked away and started to cry!!
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bobcat--next time you see this "native american healer" ask him why he can't heal you now? Why doesn't he reverse the damage from chemo, kill off any stray cancer cells and guarantee you'll never have a recurrence or find a met? And give you back the breast tissue that was removed? That guy is no healer, he's a jerk. No wonder you cried--I would have too.
DKNK--and just what about karma were you supposed to know? Blow that guy off. The "karma" crap is just another way of blaming the victim.
bonnie1jean--when I was in the process of getting the diagnosis my pastor's wife actually said to me that this may be God's way to teach me to not be afraid. I just looked at her. I'm not sure if she meant that I shouldn't be afraid of getting a cancer diagnosis, or that I am fearful all the time and getting a cancer diagnosis would make that stop! Seriously weird. Truly a WTF moment.
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Bobcat - I just can't believe there are people like this guy walking around the planet.....needlessly cruel and full of baloney!
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My closest friend wanted me to describe what chemo was like she then asked me if it was simillar to having a really bad tooth ach ,how funny i had to laugh
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Do you guys get people telling you they had their mammo?? As in, "Cheri I had my mammo today!" Or, "Cheri, I had my mammo today and thought of you"- who am I now? The mammo police??? I had one of my sons teachers tell me, "well you know everything happens for a reason"...another wtf (fanny) moment!
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Gosh - that's so interesting that you pointed out the mammo thing. I never thought of it until now but everyone!!! tells me they are having a mammo these days - too funny. Love the everything happens for a reason comments - is that supposed to be spiritual? NativeMaine - I think I would have slugged that pastor's wife. Her husband is the pastor, not her! WTF - my new favorite. My SO confronted the "healer" and told him to never approach me again. I love my Kent(SO).
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I have never posted on this thread but love to read it but I couldn't resist. As I've seen posted before it's funny how people who you wouldn't have expected to be there for you are and people/ relatives that you assumed would, haven't been. My friend of 46 years ( I'm 52 and been friends since 1st grade) never visited or blew off suggestions to get together etc. but always e-mails or phones to ask "how are you doing, think about you all the time" then proceeds to talk about her issues and family ,just sent me and e-mail saying how happy she is I'm almost done with Chemo and "sorry I haven't been there for you, I feel so bad" I haven't responded because I really don't know how to....I sooo appreciate though how great most eveybody has been...
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