The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Hi all, Sooooo Do we drop the friends that say insensitve comment all the time?
My friend does it...a lot. The fact is people don't think about what they're saying. After I was diagnosed I told my friend and she said "Oh my God, I just had a mammogram, thank God I went to a good doctor who ordered me one and I was fine." Gee thanks. Same friend, when I was in my camisole she said "WOW, your back and shoulders are so well defined (before my diagnoses I went to the gym all the time) she said "too bad you're going to lose that now." There's more, people just don't get it...
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my mother, who went to all my chemo appts with me, announced from the other end of the waiting room, "You have CHEMO face!" gee, thanks, like I hadn't noticed.
Juli
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Chemo face? I've had morning face -- is it the same thing? Yah, thanks Mom!
I've had "chemo is great for your complexion!" I guess it's the zit control SE! Actually it's all the make up so I don't have -- hey, chemo face!! Now I know!
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Dropping freinds who make insensitive comments is a personal thing, I think. I dropped a couple of freinds after my diagnosis because thier comments consistently hurt and upset me at a time when I needed all my energy just to get throught the day. Somewhere on the boards someone described this kind of thing as "toxic" and I think that is a good description.
I did not drop the freinds who kept in touch by e-mail but not in person or by phone. These freinds did (and do) care, but simply do not know how to face a person who has a cancer diagnosis. I'm close enough freinds with them to know this about them. I used these freinds as a link to the non-cancer world I had gotten ripped out of.
Some people I never expected would stay in touch actually kept in contact AND offered/provided help. A couple went with me to doctor's appointments. A few others brought me meals. Many prayed for me.
Yeah, they all said something stupid, dumb, or hurtful from time to time. I generally try not to react, but the feelings are there and real. It's been great to have this thread to express those feelings,share experiences, and sometimes laugh at the things said and done. It makes a great outlet, and that helps me deal with these comments when they come.
Sorry to ramble on about this. Yesterday I was talking with a nurse in my PCP's office and she said to me that I must be looking forward to reconstruction since once that is over I'll be all done with bc treatment. She's got my medication list so she knows I'm on Arimidex, and she had just given me my lupron shot so she knows about the ovarian supression, and she thinks treatment is done when recon is finished? I just said I hope to be done with treatment when the Arimidex course is finished. She asked how much longer I had (3 years). She thoought for a minute, then I could see the light dawn. Her reply-"By then they'll have something else for you to take. Treatment really never ends, does it?" At least there's one more enlightened person in my world. . .
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I like that... 'Treatment never really ends". Maybe we need a sign or t-shirt that says that.
Chemo face, to my mom, is when your face is bloated from the steroids. Same as "moon face", which my son with Crohn's gets when he takes steroids. Not a compliment!
Juli
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ok, I think I'm totally stealing that if you don't mind when someone says "Is it all over now?" or "Is it in remission now?" Treatment never really ends. I like it, it does not sound offenseive or your making the "healthy" person feel bad. That's a slippery slope to I noticed. I really identified with the woman who said people don't tell people who have depression to "STAY POSTIVE, BE STRONG" Nope, that gem is for people that have been diagnosed with cancer. I don't know about anyone else but while I'm in treatment ,I try to stay away from clueless people, but they're everywhere. I think I was one of them. Before I was diagnosed a friend of mine was diagnosed I really didn't know what to say. I think it is true, cancer is just a scary thing, it's the "That could happen to me" ephiphany that scares so many, so I do get the clueless reactions, I just don't actively seek them out & when they do happen, I avoid that person. Survival skills kick in a long with self preservation. The lesson, move forward and purge toxic people from your life, AMEN.
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Everyone please free to use the "treatment never really ends" line anytime they want! I handn't thought about that being a gentler response, but it is that.
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Thank you. I think you have helped many, many people today, NM.
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What to do with these folks?
Some I totally let go...
some, who were caring and well meaning but would say weird stuff like "hey, at least you get a free boob job out of it" but would bring me a meal, I think were trying to make a joke and lighten the situation so I forgive them.
Others are just plain mean and rude and only think of themselves- those folks are OUT! It is a process and one that has to be done, because truly in the end, do you really want them surrounding you? Give me goodness and light over selfishness any day!
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Here's one of the most stupid things:
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Good grief what garbage. I wear a bra much less than 12 hours per day and I got bc. And does this article mean that a 1 in 168 rate of bc is acceptable? I wonder what the cutoff is for considering cancer "not a problem anymore"?
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Someone sent me that Facebook link about bras causing breast cancer the same day she posted her bra colour to show her awareness of breast cancer. I was speechless - unusual for me.
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Yeah, I've heard the "bras cause bc" thing, too. Statistical problem with that - 12 1/2% of women get bc. Do you really believe that only 12 1/2% of women wear bras? At a (nonscientific) guess, I would say probably between 90-95% of women wear bras.
So stop your nonsense and find a cure.
Leah
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As a response to "Do we drop the friends that say insensitve comment all the time?"
The person I had considered my best friend dropped totally from my list of friends and even from my list of acquaintances after the response she had when I told her "the news". So here I am, all devastated, telling her what happened, and she says "oh, my husband says that he has a very good book about natural therapies in preventing cancer and he says I need to send it to you right now." At this, I only said a very dry "talk to you later", hung up, and never answered her phone calls anymore or answered her emails.
As someone said before, I have enough on my plate right now and don't have neither the time, not the mood to surround myself with insensitive and rude people just for the sake of having someone around me.
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A "friend" went to lunch with me shortly after I was diagnosed and said "well now maybe you will work at getting healthy". WTF?! and an older man that lives in my parents neighborhood said "I heard you have the Big C....sorry it spread, I had it too but I was lucky they caught it early enough. SOrry about you though" Nice
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Saw an acquantiace today and she said you "look great, so I guess you are now in remission??"
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Over the Christmas Holiday, my mum came over for dinner and when she saw me taking a drink, she said, "I just read an article that women who drink can get breast cancer."
"Too late", I replied as I downed my Bailey's and filled up another glass.
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Oh, LOL Hoolian!!! "Too late" - ha ha ha!
The *best* thing that anyone ever said to me came from my best friend. She knew I had a lump, and when I found out it was malignant and that I did indeed have breast cancer, her immediate response was, "Oh, ICK", like it was some sort of unpleasant visitor that we didn't want but had to deal with. It probably would offend some people, but I found her reaction oddly comforting. And she was with me every step of the way - some people really are awesome when you need them to be.
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Lynninpa,
Glad to hear that your best friend was there for you and truly supportive. The "best" thing someone said to me came from my hubby. Strangely enough, most of his guy friends kept asking him how he was going to handle my bilateral mastectomy. He told them, I'd rather have 90% of her than none. That made me feel really great despite the crappy road of chemo and surgery and soon to be radiation.
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"too late!" OMG! I'm going to have to use that. . . .
Don't you just hate folks who seem to believe that we did something to earn this?
I ended dropping a good friend (well, I realized later she'd been more of a frenemy all along), who almost fell over when I told her my cancer didn't show up on the mammograms . . . "Oh!" she said, wide-eyed, "so you DID get your mammogram! Well, I thought . . . well never mind. . " Indeed. Too Late, former frenemy!
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Hoolian, the "too late" part was absolutely hilarious! If you don't mind I might use it sometime, I get the same kind of crap.
And what your husband said brought tears to my eyes.
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"too late" is a great comeback! Good for you!
"oh, ICK" sounds like a horrible response, but I have a good friend who said something similar: "oh, GROSS." Doesn't sound like a comforting response but it was. Maybe it was the tone of her voice, or the fact that this was typical of the way she expressed her dismay, but it actually felt just right. I dissolved into tears, she sat down next to me and cried with me. She's been one of my best supporters through all of this crap.
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Hoolianama: I about fell of my chair laughing "too late" as you filled another glass. That thought is going to keep me smiling all day. I never think of good comebacks like that
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About a year ago a co-worker/friend suspected her husband was having an affair I had just gone back to work after finishing chemo & rads. It was a horrible time for her and I sympathised with her as I'd been through that myself many years ago. One day she was on my doorstep at 7am in tears, as we talked she came out with " I think I'd rather have cancer than go through this " I still wish I had said something like "No you don't." I said nothing and I don't think she ever realised how it sounded.
Fast forward a year and yes he was having an affair and as I had suggested might happen there relationship is even stronger, they're like a pair of teenagers
. She's lost weight & feels fantastic. On the other hand I'm on Tamoxifen with hot flushes, still carrying chemo weight, mild LE, nerve damage etc. Don't get me wrong discovering your partner is unfaithful is an awful thing to go through but it's nothing like a cancer dx. 0 -
Here's the bitch that I am:
My step-mother is only 10 years older than me and when I had my surgery I never got a phone call or even flowers...no visits either, though she's only an hour away. As my Dad had died of cancer 5 years ago, I almost forgave her.
Anyway, she sent an email about the horrors of something (I don't know, microwaving plastic or something) to about 50 of her friends including me and warning that it could cause breast cancer. I HATE those kind of fear mongering emails so I "replied to all" and said "Too late for me!" I hope she had a good time explaining to all her friends what I meant! I hope some of them then thought how cruel it was to forward it on to me in the first place. I hope she had some 'splaining to do!!!!
So yes, that line IS effective and DOES feel good to say!
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jane59, I agree that discovering your husband is having an affair, as devastating as that is, is not as bad as cancer. However, what your friend said was, unlike most of the other comments in this thread, not said out of selfishness, stupidity, brain-not-in-gear-before-mouth-is-opened, or lack of concern. It was said out of the depths of her pain. We have to remember that the worst thing a person's been through is the worst thing that person's been through. So, I'm glad you didn't say anything. I'm not surprised, since I strongly suspect that being a nice person is a risk factor for bc.
Just look at the ladies here.
Leah
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Hoolian, I love what your husband said, that is just wonderful - what a classy guy! My boyfriend was also wonderful - he told me he didn't mind it if I lost a boob, because with him in my life, I had an extra boob anyway (he meant himself!) He made me laugh and laugh all the way through the difficult time.
Another story: he and I were out to dinner with another couple who are friends of ours, and the talk turned to what pigs men can be when it comes to sex. The woman thoughtlessly said, "All men need is two boobs and they're happy", then there was an uncomfortable silence as she realized what she had just said. I immediately shot back, "Actually, in my experience, a boob and a half works just as well." The table dissolved in laughter and I got high-fives for that come-back...humor works wonders!
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Actually, lynn, my dh says one boob is just fine.
otter
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At the dr's yesterday, a former chemo patient said that I was "lucky" to only have six cycles of chemo since he had to have it over 18 months. I didn't tell him about the other rounds of chemo, radiation, bilateral mastectomy, reconstruction, axial node dissection, oh, and the joys of being stage IV.
I know that some people have it worse but JEEZ I'd never call a cancer patient lucky, regardless of treatment!
Am I being too sensitive?
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I recently got in touch with an old co-worker of mine - he retired a year ago & is ~60. He knew all about my cancer - scolded me that my smoking caused it (I'm sure it did have some play in it, but I digress). That was in 2005. We correspond via email on occasion. We re-connected last week. Told him about the progression to the bone and how the last round of treatment may not be working since my tumor markers doubled. His response was "So glad to hear you doing better - keep it up and stay healthy." Huh? Guess he didn't pay much attention to what I wrote. But the kicker was he sent me a link to buy a book (for $30) that will "show you the secret food you can eat to prevent and stop cancer." I don't think I'll be writing back to him any time soon. If I do it now, I'll surely say something I regret. Need to think about this and educate the jerk properly.
When a neighbor of mine learned I had breast cancer, he said "Oh that's an easy one, they can cure that." I bit my tongue and cut him some slack since he had bone cancer due to agent orange exposure in 'Nam. But the next time I saw him, he apologized, saying there is no such thing as a good cancer. His wife must have set him straight. Sadly, he passed away last year.
My point is sometimes you just have to ignore the ignorant ones.
Hoolian - LOVE the "too late" comment. Have used that myself. My sister had said something similar and I responded with "what's it gonna do - give me cancer? Oh yeah, I already have it!"
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