The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Apparently Superwoman lives in my town. I've now been told about her by two well-meaning friends. According to the stories, she was stage 3, had a BMX, chemo and rads, worked full time, never missed yoga, kept an immaculate house, cared for her perfectly groomed kids and, I kid you not, ran TRIATHLONS throughout her treatment. I know these stories are meant to reassure and inspire me, but seriously, how the #3!! am I supposed to measure up to that?! Most days I consider it a victory to have walked the dog, made it to the grocery store and gotten some spaghetti on the table.
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Lots of ignorance for sure, sorry to you all for the comments you've received, but most of you have that humor it seems we need!
My dumbest comment is from a biker down the road who I cannot stand (he stops to talk to BF who maintains his work trucks at the end of the driveway where it's level)...he stopped by one day when I was also out there on his big Harley....(no offense to harleys!)...and BF had already told the guy (who talks non-stop about himself totally too)...about my cancer. The guy just looked at me and said, SOOOO, did you go to NYC's Presbyterian Hospital??? (3 hours from me?) I was stupid and answered, NO, I stayed local, as I have to drive MYSELF everywhere (bf is truck driver, no family in area and QUITE capable of taking care of me-self)...he says "OH, so you did NOT go to the best!"....I just walked away. NO point in responding. D'oh! STUPID is as stupid does.
~~however dark humor helps me~~
~juli0 -
I had been dating a new guy for about three months when I found the lump. Before I was even diagnosed with cancer this guy breaks up with me. Say's he can't handle cancer. Okay, I can accept this, good to know that you are a weak excuse for a man right up front.
He was under the assumption that I would end up with two new implants for breasts. What was incredible was his comment, intended to make me feel better? "Hey, look at it this way when this is over you will have super bionic stripper boobs".
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I got the "stripper boobs" BS from at least 10 people when I was first diagnosed. It is just so awful to think that comforting a woman involves telling her she can look like a pole dancer. Certainly is cold comfort considering my appearance is more important than my comfort, or my life.
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The stripper boobs comment is over the top - really- are u kidding me?
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Dear Day: Thanks so much for starting this topic - It is sad that we have comments to share, but great that we have a place to get it all out.
Sher
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PLJ, in partial defense of your aunt - I have had both a total hip replacement and a BMX, without reconstruction. The physical recovery from the hip replacement was more difficult than the physical recovery from the BMX. I understand that it is more difficult to recover from a knee replacement than a hip replacement. It is major sugery - recovery usually takes a lot of painful physical therapy. On the other hand, I was very happy to be having the hip replacement as it was restoring loss functions. I was not at all happy about the BMX. Just tell you aunt the two aren't comparable...
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Edited I am a bit bothered by the message in your post though and want to clarify: are you saying you agree that the women on this site who have had BMXs have *not* endured major surgery? Have I misunderstood you?
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People have commented to me that I'm getting a boob job. I hardly think so!!!!
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stripper boobs???? just wow!
yes i have gotten the comment on the " new perky boobs what a perk huh? Oh yes what a perk what was I thinking ???? geezz.....
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PJL, I was not saying mastectomy, uliateral or bilateral, is not major surgery. I think a mastectomy is major surgery. Remember, I've also had a BMX.
I was partially defending your aunt because I have had both a joint replacement and BMX - she is right about the knee replacement being major surgery. But it sounds like that is about all she gets right.
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people don't think....plain and simple....they have hoof and mouth disease...open mouth and insert hoof! maybe for halloween we should all go as boobs...or suggest they go as boobs because their comments are ridiculous!
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I should clarify--some of my comments were "porn boobs". Disgusting and hurtful as well.
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then these folks reallllly have hoof and mouth disease. Good grief!!! What would these people say if someone had testicular cancer????
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You can bet no man would say "Why don't you get them both cut off"!
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Chabba, isn't that something to think about? Who knows if men are asked questions like, "Are you going up a size?" or "Are you getting a lift on the other when the new one goes in?" With what we've heard, anything is possible!
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I love you guys. Girls! The idea of guys talking about their testicles the way they talk about our breasts...Priceless!
This may be "the club nobody wants to join" but there sure are a bunch of funny, warm-hearted, awesome women stuck in it. Wish I could get my sister to get online (she of the "chemo destroyed your capacity for empathy, that's why you want to divorce me" husband) but she won't. I never joined any kind of online support group before this either. BC is a b**ch bringing all kinds of hurt along with some small, almost-hidden blessings.
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Ah, yes. The comments about how lucky I am that I get a chance to look young again with my soon to be perky boobs. Or what an opportunity I have to remake myself! Umm, this is cancer, not cosmetic surgery. I don't feel all that lucky!
Phyllis
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I just had to vent about dumb things people say too.My mum just told me that my sister said to her you look younger and so does sandy since you both had Chemo if I thought Chemo would make me look younger I would have it.I was Dx with BC in April and my Mom with colon Caner .3 weeks after my Dx.
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Good a.m. to all. This has become one of my favorite threads - you are all awesome. Thanks so much for the humor and encouragement. I hope everyone has a good day. I am off to see grandchildren, but will definitely write later today. Every Fri. is "donut Friday" for my grandchildren. When we go into our local Dunkin D., everyone says, "Happy Donut Friday" - noone has made any dumb comments to me there - hopefully they will not today!
Sher
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I've got one, courtesy of the office staff at my BS's office today. We were in the waiting room and couldn't help but hear one staff member say to the other "I think I am destined to have a mastectomy." It was loud enough for me and my BF to hear with the little windows closed. I had no idea what they were talking about (I thought it was serious at first!) but it soon became clear that they were joking around about how great it would be to "have 'em gone" so they wouldn't have to worry about their breasts getting in the way of various activities - billiards, shooting a bow and arrow, etc. Everyone enjoyed a good laugh while I sat there speechless.
While waiting in the exam room, it must have been obvious I was upset, because as soon as the BS entered my BF told him we needed to lodge a complaint. The BS was appalled and had the office manager pay us a visit.. she assured us she would be having a chat with her staff...
The irony? It's a Breast Care Center! Half the staff was wearing pink too!
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kks - what an awful experience - especially at the BS office. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach for you when I read about it. I am SO glad you lodged a complaint - sounds like sensitivity training is needed for the staff...
Sher
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It's interesting how similar comments have quite different effects depending on the context. A woman I know who had a double mastectomy said that her golf swing is much better now. Those who have not been there and ought to know better don't get to say such things.
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Here's one that I believe was meant to make me feel better, but did not. I admit it, I am very sensitive at this point, so I share the following with some understanding....My rad onc, who is generally very considerate, told me that having rads will probably be the easiest thing I have done since being diagnosed and that the hardest part of radiation would be the one-hour drive there and home, He was trying to convince me that the actual procedure is short and painless, physically. I immediately thought, "Easiest part? What's so easy (emotionally) about allowing your body to be shot repeatedly with beams of radiation???"
Sher
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How come with other cancers, no one wants to see? Uh, oh, yeah, it's the breast fixation...drives me nuts. It's my beef with October, too - where's the month for prostate, ovarian, skin, blood, brain...each one could be a different color, and at the end of it all, we could have a rainbow...except that's already taken, so maybe black, for a mix of all the colors...
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Shirleta, you can tell your radiation oncologist you know someone who had cording, shingles, and 2nd degree blistering during radiation. My radiation experience was far, far worse than chemo. I hate it when they set these kinds of expectations! We are all different--some things we do better at than expected, some worse.
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LtotheK - thanks so much for your response - that's what I need: honesty! Yes, we are all different. For example, my onc nurses assured me that Taxol would be so much better than AC - for some people it is, but it was not for me. I actually felt like a whimp when I finally broke down and asked my team for help managing the side effects. I am still having side effects from Taxol - each and every one of my fingernails is turning purple and falling off. I was told the fingernail effects were very rare - well, there are quite a few people on a "Taxol finger-nail problem thread", on this site, who do not consider the condition very rare. Oh well....thanks for sharing. So sorry you had so many problems with rads.
Sher
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Shirleta, all I can say is AMEN! T was just as challenging as AC (in different ways) - I also felt like a wimp when I needed side effect management. I too, am fearful that rads will be much more difficult than people assume.
Jackifp, couldn't agree more!!!!!
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