The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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I ended up being open with everyone I work with (elementary school) as well as immediate neighbors. (My small-town sister advised me that it worked much better to tell people face to face, as people who found out indirectly were much more awkward about it.) I was fortunate to not get any memorably awful comments, though I got tired of the "You're such a positive /strong person, I'm sure you'll be fine" kind of thing. (Do they really think all the women who die of bc every year are just weak or negative people? My tumor cells didn't care about my character!)
Anyway, what I want to ask is this: Do you all find that when you tell a man you've discovered you had bc and had surgery, he ALWAYS glances down at your boobs immediately? And women NEVER do that? Or is this my imagination?
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Do they really think all the women who die of bc every year are just weak or negative people?
Treeskier, while I had a friend in town last week who tried to tell me her herbalist at the health food store cured Stage IV cancer in his parent, I realized what some have pointed out here. That is, the whole "positive" cult and those claiming to have the secret remedy are control junkies. It makes them feel like if they are ever touched with cancer, they will have the answer.
Quite scary, when you think about it, since so many are just doleing out advice without any first hand experience.
(I've gotta ask, with no studies to back folks up, how would they know, anyway, if a witchdoctor remedy worked, or if they just got lucky? But of course, that's silly--I'm trying to be logical in an illogical situation.)
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A man that I work with whom I haven't seen in a while, was in the office the other day. He did know I had been off for breast cancer and he asked how I was doing. I just said OK and left it at that. He then asked if I was having reconstruction to which I replied yes, after the first of the year. He said, "well, I guess we will all know when that is done -- you will come in here with your new Dolly Pardon's on!"
I kind of stood there with my mouth dropped open. I really couldn't dignify the comment with a reply, so I just smiled and left the room.
Another male coworker, who also was in town for a meeting, said to me (and he was looking right at my boob area) "I didn't recognize you!" I brushed it off and started talking business. I guess my former cleavage was my only distiguishing feature!
Phyllis
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it always gets me that people can be so crass! after all i've been thru, i just answer questions with i was ned my last pet scan. but who knows ow,, for "did they get it all" the stares i get med at still. i had big girls before; and i use the same line i did then, for different reasons.. Hey, buddy, my eyes are here... hahaha 3jays0
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I was told I needed to stop saying I had breast cancer because then I would get it, from the universe or whatever???. This was from a "friend"
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I'll update from a post of mine from years ago. I had a double mast and was back to work in 2 1/2 weeks. When I got back, one of the ladies near my department had a HORRID cough. I told her she should really be at home for that!! She told me that I had "raised the bar" in the company. So I guess you had to have cancer to be off work now????
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I wasn't working when I went through my surgeries so, thank goodness, I didn't have to put up with co-workers. As to being an inspiration - what choice did I have but to go for treatment?
People who give advice without any experience have no idea what they're talking about and their advice should be taken considering the source.
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Okay, here's another one. Last week, after I had my draining tube removed (had a tissue expander infection), I went to one of my favorite stores to buy a couple of outfits and some scarves to puff out my top half.
Yesterday, while wearing one of my new outfits, I ran into a client who was aware I had a BMX 6 weeks ago and was hospitalized 2 weeks ago with a TE infection followed by surgery. Instead of saying something like, "You look great" or some other type of morale booster, I was told that I looked way too skinny and needed to eat.
I bit my tongue. If she wasn't a client (and can't lose any because I have medical bills to pay), I wanted to respond, "How can I eat anything when your chomping on it before I have a chance?" This person struggles with their weight and I wanted so bad to say this......
Thanks for the venting opportunity.0 -
hawaiik - what?? What are you supposed to say - that you still have it? Are they suggesting if you refer to your BC as being in the past, that you're just "asking" for it to come back?
Wow, that's dumb. Of course we have no guarantees in life, but... Do people who broke their leg the year before say "I have a broken leg" instead of "I had a broken leg"? If they don't, does that mean they're "asking" for the universe to break their leg again?
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Tatina.. I understand what your saying. I subbed last week at a school I had worked at for years and when I walked in one of my friends said " oh wow have you lost more weight? i feel like you are withering away to nothing" ummm thanks great to be back and see you too.... ugh!
Yes I have noticed people do glance at my breasts when they find out I had BC but I have found it both with men and women.
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So this isn't a bitch but rather a funny... I had a UMX in June and no reconstruction yet - and when I was out running last week, I took a tumble... when I told my co-worker, he said with a completely straight face 'well of course you fell.... you're lopsided!'... I had to laugh - he's such a goof (if I were not so small to start with, he may have had a valid point!).
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Here's a dumb one - I have never been a smoker and feel it is unfair for me to be exposed to second hand smoke. A guy I have been seeing off and on for years is a chain smoker. He pretends to be considerate and smoke in his kitchen when I am in his living room - I told him not to bother as I still get the toxins, so I started going outside when he smoked - that was dumb as I would return to a toxin filled room. He is not allowed to smoke inside at my house, so he never comes to my house. When I received my cancer dx, he started smoking around me all time - when asked him to please stop, he said, "What does it matter now?" He actually thinks that since I already have cancer, his smoking around me cannot harm me anymore.
When I started writing this, I planned to make him out to be the dumb one - now I realize that I am the dumb one for being around him - He has been selfish about this topic for years and is really being selfish now - Wow, many survivors have told me that having cancer brings new insight - I just had one.
Thanks for listening -
Sher
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Kathleen, and others who have addressed the "you are so strong" comment - I do not respond to people when tell me how strong I am. It is not that I am strong - I have a disease and I have to fight it or die. It is not a matter of being strong - it's survival instinct. Thank goodness I am not working right now. I keep my circle of contacts very limited - dealing with the general public is just too much most of the time, especially in the very small town I live in. I do not mean to sound like a witch - I know many people just do not know what to say and often say the wrong thing. I am so glad we have this thread to sound off on - thanks for sharing and listening.
Sher
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Shirleta - I agree - when I hear that, I look at them and say, 'what choice have I got?'... I mean, really....
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Shirleta I think that really sums it up nicely. It's not about being negative at all. I found that I got really tired of having to be a sounding board for everyone who clearly felt obligated to comment on my appearance, prognosis, etc. It was simply a lot of psychic energy I was required to put out every day. Even if all the reactions were positive, I grew very weary of "being" Breast Cancer. The saddest thing that happened to me was a colleague I reached out to for professional advice. All he could do was say "Oh, it's so sad you have cancer." He couldn't get past that, and was somehow unable to treat me as a whole individual seeking advice to move my career forward at that moment.
I think the counseling around breast cancer really needs to address this issue. We become spokesmodels for something we never signed up for, and it has significant psychological impact whether we realize it now or later.
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Shirleta, regarding the smoking--every chain smoker I know (I know a few, working in Europe!) has all kinds of crazy bargaining to legitimize their usage, and it invariably involves exposing people to make getting their fix easier. My one "friend" is constantly sneaking cigarettes in smoke-free zones stating it's "puritanical" to be anti-smoking.
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I can't stand it when people say "I'm sorry" to me when they hear of my DX, in the same tone as they would when offering their condolences for a loss of a loved one. No one died! I'm still here!! Tell me it sucks, yes. Tell me they feel bad that I've had to go through the crap I've gone through, yes. But don't say a generic "I'm sorry" to me. That's just plain useless, and insensitive to boot.
Sorry, just had to rant. I feel better now.
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My favorite was my SIL who came over just before my surgery and said that her daughter's MIL who is an 8 yr survivor told her that if it was in my lymph nodes then I was a gonner. My son was sitting there and started to cry. I walked away from her without a word and began to reassure my son that was simply not true. My own sister when finding out that I had to get a Bmx said "well at least you do not have to get chemo and radiation".....cough...."yes I do I replied". Wonder how she would feel knowing that a part of her womanly body was going to be cut off!
Maggie
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I know that I am extra-sensitive at this point in my life, but I still think that the guy I am seeing should have asked something else following my lumpectomy, besides, "When will your hair grow back". What about, "What are the chances of recurrence?" or "What's the next step in your treatment". Nope - he just wonders about the hair....duh.....
Sher
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Sher, you have every right to be as sensitive as you need to be. No one can get it unless you are right here and have done the walk through the process. FWIW, I think yes, it would be nice for your partner to ask more than about your hair. I'd be inclined to shoot back a, "I dunno, when is your gut going to shrink?" (He could be a bean pole for all I know, but you know what I mean...
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LtotheK: Thanks - Your come back is perfect! He is a bean pole, but has a gut. Too funny.
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Shirleta:
Wow, how inconsiderate. Maybe it is time to throw him to the curb! You need to focus on you right now and your needs. You need someone who is supportive. I am also single, and I am not seeing anyone. I was, however contacted by an old beau who was a jerk when we were dating. He keeps calling me and saying he wants to see me again. I finally had caved in and had lunch with him just before I had the BMX. Do you know he asked if he could see "the girls" before they were goners?!!! He keeps calling me, but I don't answer the phone. He left a message that he didn't understand why I won't call him back!
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Momoftwo - Oh my goodness - so glad you are not answering his calls! I am working mine towards the curb. He says I am pushing him away - I told him I am not - I am simply moving in a different direction and he is in the same place. I know its time to make the final break. I was on the fence before I was diagnosed, but having cancer has made me see many things so much clearer. I am a 57 yr old mom of three great children and the grandmother of three amazing grandchildren - Those are the people I enjoy being with - not with a man who causes me a lot of stress! I just thought of another insensitive remark - he was half-kidding, but not really - I was explaining the radiation mapping I recently had. Instead of saying nothing, or asking an intelligent question, he stated, "What's up with that, everyone gets to see them except for me". He was actually right - I had a lumpectomy, so still have part of one and all of the other - he will most likely never see either of them again!
Sher
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I think "open mouth, insertt foot" says it all!
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Sher, I think you've answered all your own questions about your not-so-significant-other! It was neat to watch the penny drop on your post a couple back. I'm thinking, "leave the idiot!" and got pleasure watching you come to the same conclusion. With cancer, we tend to find we have a very low tolerance for idiots. Watch, the more you pull away the more he'll try to reel you back in!!!
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Sher-- I was thinking along the same lines as barbe, but I was thinking "why does she allow smoking in HER home?" Insight is a wonderful thing!
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To all:Thanks so much for your support. Native - I don't allow smoking in my home or car - that is why, in 14 years of seeing this guy, he has only been to my home five times as I made him go in the yard to smoke! I am always expected to go to his house! He even had the nerve to try to smoke with my grandchildren at his house and now asks why I never take them there! Wow - so glad I am seeing the light!
Sher
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Upon hearing of my dx, I have had people ask "So, did you take them off?" Talk about morbid curiosity! Maybe they are waiting for a "Yeah, wanna see?" <shaking head>
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Perfect way to put it, Barbe - "not so significant other".
Sher
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PLJ: I agree - morbid curiosity - how can someone ask someone that?? Another comment that really annoys me is: "If I was you, I would just get rid of both of them". Easy for them to say when they are standing there with no cancer, not walking in my shoes, and not armed with one bit of research info or stats for their advice. I feel like saying, "Oh, what am I thinking, having a lumpectomy because many med professionals have advised me to - I will listen to you and "get rid of both of them".
'sorry to rant - time to get grandchildren - that will perk me up....have a good afternoon,.
Sher
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